Noel Edmunds, whose past work includes Deal Or No Deal and killing that boy that time, has been arrested after the cops found video footage of him bumming an embryo.

The MET (Metropolitan Enforcement Team) have been investigating historic allegations of child abuse because it is is illegal and so they don’t want any more of that no thanks. Neil Edmonds is yet another domino to fall in the domino ring of paedophiles which is thought to have included Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris, and special guest Madeleine McCann.

The 2 minute video of the embryo abuse was discovered by an intern working 40-feet underground at the BBC archives on the moon. The clip starts with Noel and the embryo laying on the bed. Noel has little pants and a waistcoat on and the embryo is just in a bowl. Noel starts speaking and says “You’re such a sexy embryo.” and then starts speaking a tirade of filth detailing his coming abuse, using phrases like “I’m such a dirty embryo-f**ker” and “I’m going to j**z bucketloads all over your cute little head.” He then lifts the bowl up to his member and commences the abuse on the embryo.

After receiving a Royal Majesty’s warrant of permissible entry to a building or motor vehicle, a 5-man team of Police raided the 68-year-old’s luxury apartment in London’s fashionable high street earlier this morning. Regarding Neil Edmunds arrest, police chief Montyl Falapolei was quoted as saying “I am right glad we caught that prick because he was a proper nonce. Now we know what Noel’s House Party was all about. It was about sex with children.”

Nail Eggmongs’ lawyer, Tracy Chaffenbergler-Relboittison has released a statement. It is the B-side of her new single Loving All The Way To The Clouds and goes like this “Noel Edmonds is an innocent man. He has never had sex with an embryo and probably not even had sex – I mean look at him. I am a right lezzer but even if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t touch that with a ten-foot fanny. This supposéd video evidence is certainly falsified and must have been created by someone with a personal vendetta against Noel. I think it was the birds.”

The embryo was unable to comment.