Diary

I released a new album today. I’ve tried to copy the Tuss and AFX’s Analord again. I’ve done quite well on some of the tracks. Some don’t sound like him, but I think they’re all good songs.  It’s 85 minutes long, which is far too long. Even I got bored listening to it. Nowadays, though, with iPods and MP3s, it’s all shuffle on the cloud downloadable compression anyway, so nobody listens to a whole album at once any more. You should, though, and if you don’t listen to it all in one sitting, you’re a pussy.

I went to school for a lecture but the teacher was late so I left because I wasn’t sure if it was even on. I bought 3 litres of squash the other day for £1.60. That translates to 12 litres of drink, and because I have to have water with it, I can’t keep it beside my bed and keep drinking it, so it is much better value than juice. I got a yoghurt today. I haven’t had yoghurt in ages. I was going to get some Petits Filous or some shit but I got some Onken instead, because even though it’s the same thing, Onken is for adults. It had bits in, and I prefer smooth yoghurt so I’ll get some kiddy yoghurt next time.

My game’s not really progressing. What I want to do is create an immersive RPG like Morrowind but in 2D. Morrowind was pretty open in the way you could kill characters in the main quest and to how you were able to sell quest items. If I could refine this so the main quest could be completed alone but it would be much harder and so quest items could be refound, I think it would be quite good. I also wouldn’t have a quest marker. The character would be at the bottom of the screen so you can’t see behind you and the screen would rotate so you were always facing upwards, giving the impression of a third-person game. For the rotation to work, I could either use 2D graphics and have the game looking terrible or I could use basic 3D models. I don’t think I will ever make it, but it’s a nice dream.

Liberal Democrat peer Shirley Williams has said that women were treated as sex objects in parliament. After looking at a picture of Shirley, I find that very hard to believe. The only sex object she could possibly be is an old blow-up doll that has been left in the heat and the plastic has become all shrivelled and saggy. Still, I wouldn’t say no.

Natascha Kampusch has gone to watch the film bases on her kidnap. I like to imagine she just went to the cinema one day to see a film and decided on 3,096 Days and about halfway through thought to herself “this seems familiar”. I got a job at a rape support helpline once but I quit when I learned that, rather than supporting rape, I actually had to help the victims. Out of Natascha Kampusch and Elisabeth Fritzl, I would definitely rather have sex with Natascha Kampusch. I bet she’s all messed up and really kinky. Nice. The problem with abducting children is, although they may grow to like you due to Stockholm syndrome, they might grow up ugly. That’s why you should abduct girls, or boys if you’re a pervert, when they’re at least 16.

Thousands of litres of whisky have been flushed down a drain. Crime levels will no doubt rise due to this, and I expect to see repeated scenes of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arriving late to a bank robbery after buying a kebab, then starting a fight with each other before vomiting onto the pavement.

Pope Benedict has left the Vatican. Vatican officials say his brother, Eggs, could be poached from his current job to be the new Pope.

A quote from the cripple murderer councillor story mentioned “disability equality training”. I wonder what kind of lessons are taught… “Remember: Don’t call them cripples or spazmos. Don’t dance in front of people in wheelchairs. Don’t assume someone with cerebral palsy walking is practising for a zombie role. Don’t draw cocks on the face of a quadriplegic. Don’t beat a blind man to death.” I think that if there more disabled people, the World would be a much more interesting place because then people who would have no disabilities would be like superheroes.

As I was sitting in bed, I felt the hairs on my arm move. As I looked down, I saw a little ant, wandering about. How did it get there? There are two basic possibilities and several impossibilities. Either the ant climbed aboard during one of my trips to the outside and then slowly made its way up my arm in a bid to reach my beautiful face, or it came in through the window like a scumbag thief. It is possible that back when I was a child playing in the dirt, an ant couple burrowed into my rectum and then started a family that have been living there ever since. This one ant was an adventurer and decided to see what was beyond the Sun*. What lends credibility to that story is that I have been noticing dead ants in my faecal matter, and I’m fairly sure I haven’t been eating any.

*My anus, when looked through from the inside by a tiny ant, would appear as a Sun with wildly irregular days, only shining moments before it rains brown.

I stayed up late night playing GTA IV. I set a new hi-score on Qub3d of 11900, only marginally beating more previous score. This night, I didn’t go to bed because I was doing a track. Normally I have so little concentration that I can only get stuff done in five minute chunks before I get bored, unless I’m doing something rubbish like playing Solitaire, so when I am engrossed in doing something, I don’t stop just because it’s 6 in the morning or because my eyes are bleeding.

I had a practice assessment in the CAD lesson today. It wasn’t too tricky but quite a few of the others struggled so they asked me for help. I’m a bit like Jesus in a way. I added some more Omegle conversations.

It is sad to see that Iceland is trying to ban pornography. I normally don’t talk about news, because I don’t have anything to really say, but I feel quite strongly about pornography so that’s why I’ve brought it up. I think it would be a shame for Icelandic youths to miss out on viewing pornography, which is a part of growing up.  As such, if you are an Icelandic girl and you e-mail me, I will be happy to send you a picture of my erect penis. You have to be under 18 otherwise you probably know about that stuff already or something. Also, if you want, I will come round your house and instruct you in the art of making love. This offer is actually open to girls of any nation, but preferably those in the Derby area. If the Icelandic government really want to protect kids, they should enforce a law where children are not allowed to leave the house until they are 18. This may seem like a breach of their human rights, and it certainly would be if they were locked in a house all day with no porn. A possible by-product of banning pornography would mean that borderline paedophiles who had normally stuck to legal porn may decide to look at child pornography because, as they are both illegal, it would be better to be hung for a young underdeveloped lamb with a flat chest than a sheep. Also, banning porn would also lead to a 300% increase in the number of rapes committed. There’s no actual evidence for this, but then I’ve yet to see any evidence that porn is harmful to anyone, unless it is BDSM, but that’s just a bit of fun anyway. The UK may potentially also try to ban pornography. I would be against this, obviously, because there is no way I can get a real lady to have sex with me, but on the other hand, I can’t help but think how much more productive I would be if I didn’t have to masturbate every 2 or 3 hours. On the third hand, maybe I would spend more time searching for hidden porn and become less productive. I should start archiving stuff now, just in case…

The usual argument about why porn should be banned is because it is degrading towards women. Firstly, it isn’t, and secondly, presumably these people are fine with gay pornography. I think that’s why many women want to ban porn that has women in it – so it’s easier for them to find videos of men bumming. These people have a secret agenda to turn our children into homosexuals by only allowing them access to gay porn. By making someone  homosexual, you are essentially ruining the chance that they will have children and that their children will have children. This is pre-murder. Therefore, anyone who says porn is degrading towards women is a murderer.

Some little actor girl called Quvenzhané Wallis got called a cunt on Twitter and people got angry about it. I couldn’t possibly comment, because I don’t know whether or not she was actually being a cunt, but it does seem like an odd thing to say when people will actually read the comment. I can say what I like, though. Quvenzhané Wallis is a cunt and I hope the little nigger gets AIDS… I like to imagine that one day I will be famous and someone will read this and think “Hold on, was he just racist and incredibly offensive towards a blameless 9-year-old girl? That seems like an odd thing for the current Pope to say.” I didn’t mean what I said, Quvenzhané. I’m sorry. It was satire and an homage. I was satirising the Onion and paying tribute to my favourite band, Anal Cunt. I really admire your work, Quvenzhané.

A councillor has said disabled people should be put down. I think he’s been listening to Anal Cunt too. I do agree they should be put down, though, because it’s just sick to carry the disabled about as if they were luggage, unless their disability means they have no legs and no internal organs, in which case you could use them as a backpack.

I see that cricketsman Tom Maynard was high on drugs and evading police when a train hit him. My little cartoon I made doesn’t seem so offensive now considering he was a criminal. I bet nobody would have disliked the video if it was Harold Shipman getting hit by a train.

I see they’ve tracked down the origin of the Russian meteor. Apparently, it came from space. Another thing that’s come crashing down to Earth is that hot-air balloon in Egypt. It sunk like a lead Zeppelin  I’m not sure exactly how it came down, but I think it probably burst on the point of a pyramid or the Sphinxter burst it with one of its claws.

I see Lord McAlpine is trying to sue someone who claimed he was a paedophile. I don’t want to get in trouble or anything, but he definitely is a paedophile. Try to sue me, you nonce. Lord McAlpine is the sort of name you would find belonging to the villain in a kid’s story, which is proof positive that Lord McAlpine should be locked up.

I went to the workshop for a bit but I needed some copper pipe and I needed to buy that on-line so I went home and had a sleep and then ordered some from eBay. I didn’t remember to set my address to here at the checkout so I sent him a message. Hopefully I will receive my pipe here.

I’m a bit annoyed that I didn’t get any Oscars today. What makes the whole thing worse, is that best picture went to a film as opposed to a painting or photo. I thought they were going to show the best still from the film Argos but they didn’t. Doing some calculations (24×60×120) yields a result of 172,800, which is the number of pictures in the film Argos, assuming that it is 2 hours long, has a frame rate of 24 FPS and that there are 60 seconds in an minute. Of those 172,800 pictures, which one was the best? I’ll accept Argos as the shortlist, but surely Oscar should have decided which one picture he liked the best. I think he was just lazy and didn’t want to watch the film twice while blinking at different moments during each viewing to ensure he didn’t miss any of the pictures. I’ve only read a bit about the film and it sounds terrible. It’s about an Argos shop in Iran or some shit and some people want to leave there or some shit. What could the best picture from that possibly be? It would probably be a shot inside the female employees’ toilets. Fair enough. As such, I would give the film Argos, 9 Oscars out of 10. Well worth a watch.

I did a bit of work for the man who sends me work. He always wants links underlined and in blue, regardless of the colour scheme or what media it is. I don’t want to do something that looks like I’ve copied the link form a 1998 Web-site. For example, I think blue would clash with a green and gold newspaper advert, but apparently not. I took my initiative as a designer and just did it in green. I didn’t go to bed at night because I wasn’t in the mood.

I realised last night that I was actually pretty good in bed. I got about 10 hours sleep and wasn’t tired when I woke up, so I must be doing something right.

I heard about the idea of candle-lit dinner and I think that’s stupid. A candle can not generate enough heat to cook dinner so I just really don’t get it. I also heard the phrase “plane sailing”. Surely the phrase should be “plane piloting”. Piloting a plane is hard so I think it must be used ironically when people say it. One saying that I did get wrong when I was younger was “shoot on sight”. I always thought it was “shoot on site”, as in to shoot them there and then as opposed to taking them to a tribunal or something. Both really mean the same thing.

Another thing I noticed is that most terrorist organisations start with the letters “IRA”. Obviously, there are the IRA, and then there are Iraq and Iran. That is why I am suspicious of anyone with the first name Ira. Also, they are Jewish which is a fair enough reason to be suspicious, especially since they filled up all the trenches the Germans were digging.  The Germans might have actually won the war if they actually had some trenches to hide in, but the Jews had to go and keep being dead in there. I’ve only seen pictures, so I have extrapolated somewhat as to what I think happened, but I can’t be far wrong.

I had some pussy in my bed last night. Socks woke me up in the night wanting to go out, even though I had left the window open. What a prick. I had a 69 today. I spent it on a lovely melon. I like juicy melons. A melon for 69p seems like a reasonable deal.

In other news, my memory stick was found on Tuesday. That’s the memory stick that I lost several months ago. In future, I think it would be a good idea to put some child pornography or bomb making instructions on it so it gets handed in to the authorities and I get tracked down. Then I can get my stick back and explain to them what happened and my clever plan. That is actually my clever plan to explain why I have child pornography and bomb making instructions on my memory stick.

I’ve been practising my Jimmy Carr voice. “Bumbaclot. I am from Jimmy Carr”. I’ve been trying to get stoned lately by drinking a lot of orange juice because I thought the carton said “HIGH ON VITAMIN C”. On closer inspection, the carton actually says “HIGH IN VITAMIN C”. If it was possibly to get high on the citric magic, I definitely would be; the other day I had 500% of my RDA of the C stuff. I’m just really worried about getting scurvy. I’m not worried about diabetes though considering all the sugar in the juice.

I noticed that the Pringles I keep getting are party-sized. Even the food has started mocking me by being sarcastic. The only person I’m partying with is Gary Pringles. I’m a bit wary, though, because his hair and moustache are done like a gay. All I’m saying is, if I am found dead due to anal haemorrhaging with a Pringles tube stuck up my arse, it’s because Gary Pringles raped me, not because I was bored. On a related note, I saw a man on a poster today. His name was Gary Lord. He is very lucky he has an R in his name.

I spent a lot of time in the workshop today. While there, I discovered the joys of firelighters. You can throw them about and they stay on fire. Nobody else seemed to be having fun, but I was. I cut my hand a lot on metal today. I think I know why they make knives out of metal now.

I saw the film 2001 A Space Travesty today because it was on YouTube. It was bad. The funniest part in it was the note that read “Hello I’ve been kidnapped”, but I later found it read read “Help I’ve been kidnapped”, which is nowhere near as funny. I stayed up a bit later to see if I could find pornography on Google Images while in SafeSearch. The closest I got was this image while using the search “zenra”. You would have to be such a pro at pornography to know any pornographic phrase obscure enough to not be banned by Google SafeSearch that it would be safe to assume that you’re beyond Google’s protection. I noticed that I could find pictures of people being killed while Google SafeSearch was on. That’s worse than people having sex, surely. Sexual intercourse between a woman and several men is an expression of love, whereas murder is very rarely an expression of love, apart from maybe assisted suicide or the murder in the poem Porphyria’s Lover.

I had some vegetarian falafel for dinner and had a few drinks to celebrate that Kopparberg was on a 3 for £5 offer. The lady I like in Sainbury’s didn’t even ask for ID. She definitely fancies me. I would love to shove a bottle of Kopparberg up her arse and fuck her cunt doggystyle and then spunk all up in her. I told her those exact words, but she acted all weird about it. I don’t know where I’m going wrong with women.

I was going to do some work today, but I remembered I was Jewish and today is the Sabbath, so I did fuck all. That’s why religious people have never accomplished anything. They spend one seventh of their time doing fuck all. I probably spend 3 and half sevenths of my time doing fuck all, but I make up for it by doing so many great things in the other half oneths of my time. The greatest thing I have ever done is probably completing the last mission of San Andreas on my first attempt.

Why do the children in Metro 2033 sound so weird? I can’t believe Russian children actually sounds like that. If they do, I apologise to the makers of Metro. I was meant to go to a product design social drinking thing today, but I woke up at 5 and I had received a text telling me when and where at 4, so I only noticed when it was about 9 or 10. I probably could have turned up, but I didn’t want to be late by a few hours so I just stayed at home. I’m not social, anyway. I’ve not been out in a long time. I’m back in the good old days.

At least I don’t have to spend money on a present today. I wouldn’t even bother buying a present if I had a girlfriend; I would just give her the money. That way, she can get what she wants, and I don’t have to listen to what she likes. That’s a little tip there, if you want to be like me (all lonely and gay), just give your girlfriend money.

I forgot my Nan’s birthday a couple of days ago so I rang my Nan and apologised. I feel bad for it, even though I’m not in charge of what I remember. I should be able to remember it because it’s two days before Valentine’s day, but then if someone mentions Valentine’s day and I say “I have to remember to get my Nan a present”, that sounds weird.

I’ve noticed how it is hard to tell if your stomach is rumbling or if it is an external noise. Today, I wasn’t sure if my stomach was making loads of noise or if a plane was going overhead. I think it was the plane because it lasted for a long time. I got the Metro 2033 DLC which I have been looking forward to for so long. It’s alright. It’s not that much different really.

As it’s Wednesday, now would normally be  time for the weekly round-up of people who could wed the Loch Ness Monster, but I have decided that this feature is tenuous and so I have decided to end it.

Just two more days to find a girlfriend or I will be alone for another Valentine’s day. If I’m in this situation next year, I’m definitely lowering my standards and becoming gay. Same situation in two years and I’m getting a butt plug and a blow-up doll. Someone in my class asked if I was going to shave because I looked “dirty”. Shaving might increase my odds of getting a girlfriend, but then so would going out. I noticed I had 2 pillowcases today. I am very confused.

I got some garlic bread for dinner today. Well, what I thought was garlic was actually green mould. That would have been terrible if it actually happened. Something that has happened is the Pope is resigning. Apparently, Logic appeared to him in a dream and told him that God didn’t exist. The Pope is set to return to where he belongs, the Nazi Party. I was thinking about Hitler Youth and specifically the name. It’s quite narcissistic to name  a club after yourself. It would be like a new Youth Club opening nowadays called the Blair Bunch or something. I don’t want to defame Hitler or anything, but I think it turned him on whenever someone mentioned the Hitler Youth, because he was a nonce. New evidence shows that Hitler first made love to Eva Braun while she was still a foetus in the womb. That would be like having sex with a baked bean. The subject of child abuse leads right back to the Pope. His likeness will feature in a future game called Popémon, which is about a boy who keeps lots of Popes in his balls and then makes them fight naked. It’s a reversal of how it normally happens. In conclusion, the Pope and Hitler are as bad as each other, but only one of them had the decency to kill himself. If you’re reading this, Pope… Don’t kill yourself, just take up doing jigsaws or something.

The District of Columbia Department of Transportation have 366 employees, according to Wikipedia. That’s one for every day of the year and one spare for a leap year. They do this so they each have to work only once a year, but they still got paid normally. That is what the government is like. Satire. Their headquarters are in Washington DC. The DC suffix means it is a fictional city within the DC universe. The official name for Gotham is Gotham DC. Washington is short for, quite simply, “washing town”. The origins come from the olden days when immigrants used to come from Europe. They were deemed unclean so they were all put in a big tub and washed. Creophilus maxillosus is known as the hairy rove beetle. That makes it sound like a pubic louse. They are a fairly uninteresting. Grange, Cumbria can refer to two locations in Cumbria. Cumbria is three sevenths cum, three sevenths air, albeit jumbled up, and one seventh b. The b stands for bread.

Today is a very special day. We are exactly halfway to the 18th of April 4026. I had a look at random article and it came up with Monad. I thought it was a shrivelled testicle on a Monday after you’ve spent the whole weekend banging, hey lads? Turns out it’s something to do with programming. That shit’s for nerds. Then I came across the random article Brasserie de Saint-Sylvestre. I thought it was the breast support of a holy cat, but it’s a brewery. I haven’t had an alcoholic beverage since a few weeks ago.

I looked through a microscope today at some metal and used a Vickers hardness machine. I put my hand under it and it measured my hardness as infinity. Then I put my cock in it and it wasn’t hard at all.

I saw a man with a little withered arm today. His other arm was fine. He reminded me of a charger from LFDT. Then he even started running at me, but to be fair, I did call him an asymmetric wank king. The story is true up to a point. That point is when I speak to someone. I heard all my flatmates talking about moving in together. I was so tempted to go out there and ask where we were all moving to.

I’ve noticed how people on YouTube complain that it was better to be born in previous decades because the music was better. Nowadays, you can hear music from pretty much any era for free and listen to it whenever you want. That’s why people on YouTube are idiots and gay. It’s all nostalgia anyway. Kids born today will, in the future, look back on this era as good music. The pinnacle of musical production was my sixth birthday when Sweet Like Chocolate came out.  A pinnacle slightly closer to sea level was when Analord 10 came out. The Marianas trench of music was the Beatles, because they can’t even spell.

I woke up this morning and saw a creepy demon girl beside me so I punched her but she wasn’t real. That happened in the dream/awake state. I know I actually did it because I felt my hand hit the wall. That was the most interesting thing to happen to me today. I was thinking the other day about games and I thought to myself that I wished that I could make a game. Then I realised that I probably could, so I started trying to learn C++ yesterday. Realistically, I’ll get bored in a few days like the last time I tried to learn C++, which I only just remembered about. If I had kept it up those three or so years ago, I would probably have a game by now. I made this sort-of-game yesterday. I think that’s quite good for my first day.

I see they’ve recreated Richard III face. It was quite a surprise to see it, because I always thought he was a giant poo.