Diary

I see gay marriage might be coming in. I think all marriage is gay because it is an expression of love and I also think that gays should be allowed to get married, but only to members of the opposite sex. I have taken time to do a little research to know what homosexuals do in the privacy of their bedroom. One of the things they do is called “the totem pole”, in which a chain of men insert their head into the anus of another man. They then stand up. It is difficult to breathe while in another man’s anus which they enjoy. A variation of this act is call the LHC, in which the top of the totem pole inserts his head into the bottom of the bottom of the totem pole. They then roll about in this ring formation, reaching speeds of up to 25mph. Another act they do is known as “Metal Gear Solid Snake Eater”, in which two men get their gear as solid as metal, and one man spread’s his Chinaman’s eye enough to fully engulf the other man’s penis. We do not want this sickness. Another thing that the lonely gays have been doing lately is collecting their poo poo in a large container, and once they have enough, forming it into the shape of another gay. They use semen to paint the “snowman” white. Then they bum it. The final act I watched on the Internet is of one man actually cutting his own penis off and then fixing onto a long stick so he could abuse little boys from a safe distance. This is known amongst paedophile/gay circles as “touching the child with a 9-foot barge pole”. This will become commonplace if gay marriage becomes legal. I am of course, joking, and think that gaylord marriage is a good thing, though I am a bit worried that priests will abuse their powers and start marrying themselves to little boys.

For most of the day, I wasn’t tired, though I did have some short spells of sleepiness. My stomach was quite bad today because all I had to eat yesterday was some tomato soup with lentils and some beans. I spent a lot of time in the workshop today trying to make a steam engine. I got as far as bending a bit of metal into a rough cylinder. I tried to rivet it but I put the rivet in the wrong way and got it stuck. I had to use a different one, but it was confusing because it had funny arms, so I just went home.

I stayed up until morning for no real reason. I do quite like the way it fucks with your memory and so you don’t really know what day it is or what’s going on. I had a shower and noticed how the end of my hair sticks outwards when it dries. I’ve only ever seen that on one other person, and that’s the woman from Balamory, though my hair doesn’t stick out to the same extent. If I had black hair, I could pretend I was Darth Vader.

Zhu Xiao Di was born in Nanjing, which is the noise my Nan makes when I hit her, because she is a robot. I think it’s high time I ended the random article shit. I am rubbish at it. I was thinking that if I ever needed some string and I was deserted in a forest, I could cut off some of my hair and use that. Hair is really strong and if I had it on my head, it would only get caught up in bushes when I was chasing down a wolf to fight it, so it would be a renewable source of string.

A very weird thing happened while I was writing Wednesday’s entry. I was listening to Hi Scores by Boards of Canada on YouTube, which of course ends with Everything You Do Is A Balloon. Then I wanted to listen to Funki Porcini so I searched him on YouTube and set the filters to long and, as there were no albums by him on YouTube, decided to listen to Kid Koala – Solid Steel: Music To Draw To… , which starts with Everything You Do Is A Balloon. What are the chances of that? I sometimes think that coincidences prove the existence of a higher power, but then realise that considering all the things that could be coincidental, very few things actually are. For example, the number of days in a year is not the same as the number of bones in the body, and we don’t all die at the same age. If we did all die at the same age, that would not be a coincidence, that would just be how life works. It would be similar to how trees release oxygen and absorb carbon dioxide and animals vice versa, or to how the way the planet is exactly the right distance from the Sun. They’re not so much coincidences as prerequisites to life. Life is just one big coincidence anyway. The presence of a God or Gods doesn’t make existence any more or less amazing.

I’ve written a lot without needing random article yet, which is good because today’s random article is Clifford Law Offices. I don’t have much to say about them, other than on Wikipedia, number of offices is listed as 1. Clifford Law Office is a more honest name, but then I can’t talk about naming things misleadingly. What the fuck does Ohijamn even mean?

Ketchup (disambiguation) is my favourite flavour of ketchup. It tastes of clarity. Ketchup used to play quite an important role in my life but it has become mostly phased out in favour of more exotic sauces like barbecue or sweet chilli. Still, tomato ketchup is always there for when there’s nothing better. It’s like masturbation. When there’s nothing else to do, have a wank. I don’t mean I like wanking onto food and then eating it or watching other people eat it. I used to prefer brown sauce anyway. Brown sauce is a terrible name for a sauce. It’s up there with foods like chocolate log, spotted dick, and turd in the blanket.

The Door in the Floor is a film. It’s not the sequel to the Cat in the Hat. I’ve not seen it or even read the plot yet, but I can guarantee it is rubbish. I had a go at reading the plot, but it is several paragraphs in length. It must be a boring film if even the plot summary goes on for too long. I didn’t see any references to a trapdoor, though. It had a budget of 7.5 million. I don’t get why a film which, is ostensibly be mostly talking, needs to have such a budget. You could knock it off in a week. Give all the crew and actors £10,000 each and then post it to the theatres. Job done. If I ran the World, everything would be so much easier. The film has Jeff Bridges in it. His best work was when he had cars driving over him. It’s also got Kim Basinger in it, or as I call her Kimba Singa.

Salix sitchensis is a plant. A thing where goods are sold cheaply are tried to cure a rash on its mother’s daughter using its tongue. Sale licks itch on sis. Not much can be said about an obscure plant. It could be the basis of a Pokémon called Salixfelix, which would be a little catkin with lots of legs all round it’s body and a head like a cat. That may sound ridiculous, but it’s no worse than Cofagrigus. I’ve seen the new Pokémon game will be in a 3D world. Now, I’m not a virgin, but I do enjoy Pokémon. By October 2013, I have to have enough money to warrant buying a 3DS and Pokémon. If all goes to plan, by then I will have dropped out of university to focus on my music career, or comedy career, or chef career, or just something to do with my time where I actually get paid rather than having to pay to learn stuff which can be found on the Internet for free. Sometimes I wish I was a poor little African kid because then I wouldn’t have to worry about my future.

I almost fell asleep in the lecture today. I didn’t want to because last Friday we were all laughing at someone for falling asleep, and I also wanted to stay awake so I could learn. When I got home, I had a sleep. Then I went down to Blockbuster to get a game. I saw Borderlands II GOTY edition. I was surprised it had come out. I went to buy it and then realised it was the original. It was with the relatively new games which is what confused me. I had the embarrassment of having to tell the man I’d got the wrong game. I got Borderlands II instead. Interestingly, when the man saw I was from Gravesend, he said “Me too”. It’s a small World, but not compared to Pluto. I went home and played Borderlands II. It’s good, but it feels empty and linear like the first one did. Whereas in Oblivion, you can start a quest by finding an item, in Borderlands that item won’t spawn until you’ve started the quest. Also, enemies respawn too quickly. It’s annoying.

Queen Beatrix is abdicating. Queen Beatrix sounds like the name of a lady DJ. I reckon she’d mash up some shit

William H. Burke is the subject of today’s first random article. He coached 8 American Football games and he gets a Wikipedia entry. One of the teams he coached was Saint Bonaventure. That’s what it’s called when your erection goes on a journey. Coaching is an easy job.

Hsi Lai Temple is a nice little Buddhist temple and not a person with a shitty job, although, temple Buddhists really don’t make the most out of their time. It would be great if there was just enough of an afterlife for some sort of God to tell everyone they were wrong. That’s what I think life after death is about. Just some higher being who’s a wind-up merchant. Hsi Lai Temple doesn’t currently have an abbot. I’ve already got the weight, so I just have to shave my hair and wear an orange dress and I could be their abbot. I think that’s the fourth step on the Noble Eightfold Path. Once you reach step 8, you become Buddha. The order goes: Buddhist, Monk, Megamonk, Abbot, Chief Abbot, Grandmaster Flashabbot, Buddhabumboy and then Buddha. You can become Buddha and get all his powers faster by killing him with an enchanted blade in the Hidden Forest of Fire. My understanding of religion is that it’s the same as a fantasy RPG.

Today was my day off. I wasted it. So as not to leave this entry blank, I thought I would try some improvisational comedy with the help of Wikipedia’s random article. Today’s topic is Eddie Sauter. He was a jazz arranger. What’s that all about? I thought jazz was just playing random notes in a random order with no arrangement at all. As soon you arrange jazz, it becomes real music. I do a bit of musical arrangement myself. I put all my CDs in alphabetical order. That’s not really hard because I only have three CDs that my Mum gave me – Toxicity by System of a Down, Blink 182 Greatest Hits and Gorillaz. They are accompanied by the two cassette tapes I have of something by H-blockz and Cartoons – Witch Doctor, which my Dad got me. Back to Sauter… I’ve said all I can about him. I’ll try again…

Chris Cumberland. I quite like him because he sounds like crispy Cumberland which sounds like a nice sausage. He was a former baseball pitcher, but got tried of being a sort of jug just filled with baseballs. Pitching seems likes the easiest job in sport. “What do you do for a living?” “I throw a ball.” “Do you have to catch it at all or run?” “Nope.” Part of his career was spent at the Long Island Ducks, which sound like not so much a baseball team but some sort of mutated birds. Another stupid team he played for is the Boston Red Sox. Firstly, it’s spelled incorrectly, and secondly, what kind of gays name a team after the clothes they wear? I call them the Boston Hed Cox, because they like giving head to each other after the bottom of the ninth when the bases are loaded. A good name for a team is the Wolverhampton Wolves. They’ve been clever there and also, a wolf is a good animal, even though I’m fairly sure I could take one on in a fight. We’ve had two people with shit jobs so far. What’s next?

Daniel James (Gwyrosydd). What the fuck is that all about? He’s some Welsh poet. If all of Shakespeare’s works were written in Welsh, I think the monkey’s would type it a lot faster, considering written Welsh is essentially just a monkey’s random strikes of a typewriter. As such, there is no pride in being a Welsh poet of author. All three of the scumbags that Wikipedia chose for me don’y have proper jobs. To prove it, I have done what they do as well or better than them.

Firstly, my jazz arrangement. This is better than anything Sauter did with his life. Secondly, my poem:

Move aside Gwyrosydd; you ain’t got shit on me. Finally, you’ll have to trust me when I say I can throw a ball. It’s weird how throwing with your left hand when you’re right-handed is like being a girl. Maybe girls have two left arms. That would go some way to explaining how handjobs from a girl are never as good. Not that I have a lot of experience with that, it’s just my impotence is still playing on my mind. I bet Sauter never had this problem.

I got my new debit card today, so I went on a spending spree. I went down to Sainsbury’s and bought two cans of Monster and a loaf of bread. That came to 250p. A while later, I got some Sensations “Vintage Cheese and Onion Chutney” crisps, or cheese and onion to you and me. Turns out, though, they taste like prawn cocktail. What’s going on there?

I had a look at my depressing low Web-site statistics. If I had any sense, I’d quite now, but I shan’t. It’s worth having a site just to see the search terms people enter to find my site. There are such gems as: why you can say i am older than you and not “i am intelligenter than you”, omegle gay, screwfix pee porn golden rain and drop box omegle pedophile. None of those people found what they were looking for on here, which is good, because I don’t want idiots, gays, weemen or nonces on my site, which is somewhat hypocritical of me, considering that yesterday, I bummed a five-year-old  boy and then did a wee on him, and I’m an idiot because I’m talking about it now. Hopefully writing that will attract some new readers.

Tuna and baked beans for dinner tonight. It wasn’t actually that bad. It was a bit oily because I don’t drain the tuna before using it. A tiny tin of tuna costs £1.00, so I’m not going to let any of it go to waste.

Fuck you, muthafuckaaaaz. I only went and got 62% on that coursework I did. I originally thought I’d got 11% but that was just the similarity percentage. It didn’t even reach the word count. That is proof that I am a living genius. I wished I wasn’t, though; I wish I was a dead genius. That’s not exactly true, because I am fairly happy at the moment, but I do wish I had some money so I can buy a sausage roll. I also miss toffee apple cider. I think it’s the flavour I miss, rather than the alcohol. I haven’t had a drink in ages, alcoholic or otherwise. All I’ve had is water, which isn’t a drink. It would be like calling starch a food. Silverfish eat starch so I suppose it is food to them.

It’s Sunday today, so I have a lecture tomorrow. I keep meaning to implement some way that these posts have the day of the week on them that can be applied retroactively. I’ll have to get down to some PHP shit tomorrow. Looks like “strtotime” is the way to go. I’ve made a rod for my back by calling this month Janruary, when research shows that this month is actually called January. As I was saying, I have a lecture tomorrow. I actually enjoy them a bit because before, after and, if I’m feeling like a bad boy, during, I get to talk to people. I think I have just enough contact with people to stop me going mad. If I was mad, I wondered how many people I could kill if I just went out with a knife and started slashing people up. That’s not the way I would do it, anyway. I would go to a busy club with a kitchen knife in my belt and whip it out when it was packed. That would maximise fatalities. Maybe if I had more human contact, I would actually want to kill more. I should point out that I don’t want to kill anyone at all at the moment and have never properly wanted to. To prove I am not a murderer, here is a story of how nice I am: I was getting into the shower when I saw a woodlouse. Being the kind and gentle man I am, I escorted him off the premises through an open window and then continued with my shower. I bet Fred West didn’t save woodlice. I can forgive him for doing all that stuff to those women, but I will never forgive him for killing woodlice.

Ohijamn update: Once again, fuck you, muthafuckaz. I stayed up later than it already was and managed to get the days onto all the posts. It was actually pretty easy, so well done to me. Knowing how to do PHP is further proof that I am a living Jesus. I meant to right genius there, but either I’m just tired because it’s late, or my subconscious knows something I don’t. Either way, I have the mental prowess to copy and paste three lines of code from the Internet.

I stayed in today making music. I still don’t have any money. I probably would have gone out if I had.

I had a lesson with a Chinaman/Japman today. He really can’t speak English very well. Some of the highlights were “jam poles” (samples), “taskus” (tasks) and “materies” (materials). I didn’t learn that much about materials and manufacture, but I do feel slightly better at kung-fu. On the way back, I was going to buy stamp for to post something to the finance people, but I got distracted in the shop and spent 49p of my last 70p in decent silver on some coconut creams. They were a bit disappointing really. They were quite dry and just tasted like custard creams. I wish I’d bought a stamp or at least some better biscuits. I can just imagine myself in the near future, sitting in my bunker after the bombs have fallen. I will have eaten all my crackers and rhubarb and I’ll be left with just tinned peas. With any luck, though, the radiation might cause me to mutate into less of a freak.

I had a lecture in a proper lecture hall today. That’s what it’s all about. It was an incredibly dull, though, and the lecturer was old and a bit eccentric/mental. I came home and ate rhubarb for most of the day. I ate both my two tins of it. It’s pretty good stuff. Whenever my Nan does a crumble, it always seems quite tart, but it was quite alright today. I had noodles and tuna for dinner. It wasn’t too tasty, but at least it was a meal which wasn’t disgusting. I feel sorry for the poor little coloured children all growing up in Africa having to eat dirt and stuff.  I was doing some research, and I found out that Mozambique, which is a pretty shit country today with an HDI of 0.402 has a GDP of £12.8 billion dollars, which means the whole country is only producing 13 billion dollars worth of goods a year. Nowadays, getting your funds up to a billion dollars is child’s play, and from there, it easily doubles each year. I reckon, by the time I have $20 billion, the GDP of Mozambique will be around $16 billion. With my money, I can go about Mozambique buying all industry and property I can, which I would reckon would leave me with $2 billion. From there, I can get the Mozambos on my side by saying that I want to make a better country by donating half of my remaining money to good causes while keeping the other half to fall back on just in case. I can stand for King and then when I get it, I can give them an ultimatum. I either get to own the country without question, or I destroy everything I own, losing the jobs of millions and causing all sorts of problems. Then, when they succumb to absolute power, I would be nice again and set some good laws, rather than those rubbish Mozambo laws that they have. My money would still be accumulating in the bank and by this point I would probably have around $4.5 billion. This money would go towards the development of the country, which would be renamed to Lydonland. Once I had made the country a good one with decent stats, I could hand the country over to one of my trusted African advisor buddies. I don’t know what his name would be, but it would probably have lots of Bs and Zs and probably an apostrophe. Once he or she had a fair grasp of the country, I could return to England with probably only about $1 billion, but also a decent country in my portfolio. From there, I would see how I feel and whether I felt like doing it again with a more difficult country like Denmark or China. I reckon this whole process would take about 15-20 years. When I become a multi-billionaire, and if I go mental, I will definitely do all this.

I mostly just played Minecraft today. On my deathbed in a few years time, I will look back on my life and realise that I should have got up earlier today to play more Minecraft or maybe even a bit of Halo. They say life is short, but it’s the longest thing anyone experiences. I think they’ve confused life with the length of my penis. Life is 3 inches long with some sort of cottage cheese-type stuff on it. If you’ve ever thought of trying it, I should point out that knob cheese doesn’t taste anything like cheese. It’s a bit like rotten meat. That’s all proof that nothing has happened today; I’ve had to resort to silliness.

I had a CAD lecture today. It was really boring. It was like a lecture on how to do addition and subtraction. While everyone had done a cylinder, I was showing off and had made the computer mouse. It wasn’t even a simple mouse. After 4 tedious hours of that, I went home and rang the bank. Yesterday, they said that due to the snow, there may be some delay in answering. Unless their phones are manned by snowmen and they’re all out in fields and gardens, I don’t see why snow would cause a delay. I got bored and hung up yesterday. Today, when trying to confirm my identity and saying there should have been about £1,000 from the loans people, I learned that the loans people hadn’t given me any money. Apparently, I need to send off a signed confirmation. Again. What a bunch of cunts. I had tuna and noodles for dinner, which was nice. Then I went to Rhia’s. I watched the last half an hour of the last Harry Potter with her. Watching the last half an hour of a film series that lasts for 8 instalments when you’ve only seen the first one or two films asks more questions than it answers. Then we spoke for a bit and then she dumped me. I’m not surprised, really; I’m me.

I went to uni because I thought my first lecture was today, and it was. One-nil to me. At uni, I got back the results for one of the assessments I did. I passed. Two-nil to me. Depending on whether you go by the percentage it says at the bottom or if you add up the five numbers above it, I either got 46% or 51%. The lecturer said beforehand that some people would have to redo it and I was expecting one would be me.

I don’t really have anything suitable for dinners. I have soup, but that’s no good without bread. I have vegetarian meat-substitute, but that’s no good without pasta or chips or bread. I just realise I have one packet of macaroni cheese left. I can have that tomorrow, because I don’t think some Honey Nut Corn Flakes* eaten from the packet and a tin of pear halves is a suitable dinner. I suppose it is healthier than what I would be eating if I had money. Regarding the pears in a tin, when you drink the leftover juice, you have to be really careful not to cut the corners of your lips. I wonder if that’s what actually happened to the Joker but he was too embarrassed to say. His white face is from where he really like eating doughnuts and sometimes he gets so excited he can’t get them in his mouth and the sugar goes all over his face.

I saw a Daddy Shortbody on my windowsill today. That’s the first spider I think I’ve seen here. I didn’t want to put it outside because it was all snowy and I don’t like spiders being near me because I might crush them so I went to put it in the kitchen. I was wearing a long-sleeved shirt because even I think a t-shirt is a bit light in this weather, and the spider ran up my sleeve. I shook my arm but I didn’t see it come out so I took my shirt off slowly and turned it outside-in. The spider was nowhere to be found. I think it’s just one of those things that nobody will ever really know, like the Bermuda triangle or why the sky is blue.

*Whereas the local shop corn flakes are described as “golden toasted flakes of corn”, Asda have described these as “golden flakes of toasted corn…” Most of them end up in my bed. Next time my girlfriend, who is real, comes over, she’ll think I have leprosy. Either that or she’ll think I’ve been cheating on her with Tony the Tiger.

I was going to ring the bank today but it’s a Sunday and, although they’re probably open to calls, I want to do it some other time. I was at Rhia’s for dinner today. I had fish and hash browns. I always use to think hash browns were black people who sold drugs, like all black people do. The fish was in breadcrumbs and was just like a massive fishfinger. I would call it a fishfist. After dinner, we played Monopoly with some of her friends. I won – not the actual game, but I got to play as the car, so I feel that’s somewhat of a victory, even though nobody else really cared. I was thinking of some different version of Monopoly that they could bring out.

Rhia and I had and argument today. I was saying that Easter was always on the 31st of March, but she said it changes. That doesn’t make any sense. After about five minutes I said “I was thinking of Christmas” and she realised I was winding her up. That was good fun. I did her a meal today. By that, I mean I did some macaroni cheese with hot dogs in. She said she had never had hot dogs, which was weird. She liked it, so I might take up cheffery as a job.

I went out to Mosh with Rhia. She lent me ten pounds for drinks. I had three Strongbows and then four double vodka and cokes and a shot. Someone in the toilet said I looked like Boris Johnson. I get that a lot. After Mosh, Rhia suggested we go to one of her friend’s houses. We went to our respective flats to get some drinks and then we went to her friend’s. I had my vodka. While there, I potted some weeds. I didn’t feel any different, though, because I think I did it wrong and it was described as “the weakest joint ever”. I don’t know how much vodka I had but I remember leaving. I used the old feeling sick excuse. As far as I know, I wasn’t sick. I think I’m only sick when I don’t eat dinner. I might not be eating dinner over the next few days because I still haven’t rung the bank to ask for a new card. I’ve got 60p, but quite a bit of a tinned food, so I should be OK.

I had to get up early today because I was with Rhia and she had to hand in work today. Then we got some chips and sausage for breakfast. A bit later she had a nap in the evening and so I did too.  My days have been mushing together lately because I’ve not done anything, and sleeping in the evening further confuses me. I went shopping with Rhia for some food because she didn’t want to eat any of my packaged food. It was like a mother shopping with her toddler child. She suggested chicken goujons with mash and I said I didn’t like mash so I suggested chips but I saw hash browns and wanted them instead. I also put some caramel squares in the basket for afters. She got herself some sweetcorn. I don’t like sweetcorn because it isn’t sweet so it is a liar.

Today was uneventful. I had some thoughts about things but they weren’t interesting. I did some more TV ideas.

I did macaroni cheese and hot dogs today. I added too much water so the sauce was just liquid, but I drank it anyway. I tried to get some money out but my card isn’t working so my money is trapped, assuming the cunts at the finance place have actually given me my money. I got a electronic mail saying that I owe the university over £4,000. This university thing is the biggest waste of money and time anyone has ever done.

Something happened today. I tried to do macaroni cheese and vegetarian sausages for dinner. The sausages come in powder form and you’re meant to add water. I think I added too much or didn’t wait long enough because it just stayed like porridge. I put that in the pan anyway and cooked it. I forgot to let the macaroni cheese settle and got rid of the water so I had the shittiest dinner ever. It was someone who one of Rhia’s friends knows birthday so some of her friends went out. I went to Rhia’s for pre-drinks and then to a pub and then to a club. I had two cans of Strongbow and then 3 pints of Strongbow and then 3 or 4 double vodka and cokes, and then I went to Rhia’s for pre-drinks. Ahh. It was an all right night, except I really don’t like socialising. About six people there do third year product design and Rhia lives with a couple of them. I do product design, so it’s quite the coincidence.

I’m not as pathetic with a girlfriend, and that’s what’s funny about me, so I broke up with Rhia. She asked why and I told her that I had AIDS. None of that happened today. Nothing happened today.

I swapped my sheets round today and then went back to bed. It wasn’t until tomorrow that I realised I put my duvet cover on outside-in. I spent most of the day with Rhia. She’s my girlfriend now. That’s nice.