Diary

I woke up expecting to be all shaky and craving more cocaine, but I was fine. I even got up before the three alarms I had set to ensure I woke up today because I’ve already missed two Thursdays lessons. The lecture was the most boring ever. I hate lectures. I already know everything there is to know about everything, so any lecture is just revision for me anyway. I realised at 9 that I hadn’t had anything to eat or drink. It was raining heavily out so I had a Kopparberg. I waited an hour and the rain died down a bit so I went out to get food. I could have cooked dinner but I was too lazy. I got two microwave pizzas, some 7-up and some caramel squares. I did one of the microwave pizzas but it came out all soft. Probably because it wasn’t actually a microwave pizza, but I’m a busy man; I don’t have time to wait 18-22 minutes for a pizza. I applied my magic formula and decided it would need 8 minutes in the microwave.

I think I’ve come up with a way to avoid paying a TV license. All you have to do is tell the licensing people to turn the signal off to your house because you want to look at a blank screen but the TV signal keeps giving you pictures. They won’t turn it off because that is impossible and they can’t charge you because you said you don’t want it and the signal is trespassing, so you can get free TV.

Bonjour, mon amis. I went to school, went on my laptop, had a kip for a few hours and then I spent 10 pounds on bacon, caramel squares and Kopparberg. Not each. Shaun asked me why I didn’t drink before going out on Monday. I don’t know why. I think it was just because I was afraid to buy alcohol from a shop. Also, because I go out alone, drinking before I go out means drinking alone. It doesn’t count though because Kopparberg is just a kids’ drink. It’s like alcoholic squash. I still managed to get drunk after about half a bottle. I was meant to be going out with a mate tonight but I knew he would end up not coming. I got drunk anyway because, although I’m not an alcoholic, I am a lonely freak. I think I’d rather be an alcoholic. I did bacon and pasta for dinner today. I was drinking my Kopparbergs as I cooked it. It was nice.

After three Kopparbergs I went to Coyote Wild. I didn’t need ID. I did the usual in there; I had four double vodka and cokes; I lost 50p on the quiz machine; I told some people I wasn’t Ed Sheeran; I danced with a woman who said my dancing reminded her of the Inbetweeners. At least I tried. She said she was going to a club across the road so I followed, but not in a creepy way. She had told me she had a husband so that lowered my chances, and also she was 44 and attractive which lowered my chances even more. I spoke to her friend for a bit but then I lost her so I went home. On the way, a shady character came up to me. I say shady because it’s the political correct term for darky. Turns out, he was a cocaine dealer. He asked me if I wanted some. It cost £40 for a gram. A gram is tiny so I don’t know how he can make any sales. I said I didn’t have enough money so he offered me a tiny amount for a couple of quid so I had some off a key and then went on my way.

I was all giggly on the way home but I wasn’t sure if that was the cocaine or if I was just amused that I had tried it. When I got in, I didn’t want to sit down or go to bed so I went out for a jog. After a few seconds, I decided to settle for a walk. I went down the park and then walked about the outskirts of town again. It was only a few miles. The drugs mostly wore off and I got a bit bored so I went home.

n.b. If there’s anyone other than Rob reading this, it was just flour.

I went on a fantastical journey today, and it all started with a trip to the shops. I got Mercury Wind-up Merchant who illustrated most of my book to make a comic version of it.

OK, so it’s not so much of a journey as a walk, but a walk doesn’t sound at all interesting. When I got back after my trek, I had a shower and decided I needed to do some washing. I had to get change though so I went out and bought some meatballs. They appealed to me because they could be eaten hot or cold. Change in hand, I went to do washing. 38 minutes later, I went back to load the dryer but I was a bit early so I just  decided to watch a girl’s panties go round in one of the washing machines. I imagined that it was my own washing machine and the girl they belonged to was my wife and she loved me. I put my hand up to the plastic window and smiled. It was at that point that my wife walked in and asked what the fuck I was doing. I thought on my feet and said that there was some amusing condensation on the plastic but I really don’t think she believed me. The next few minutes as I waited for my machine to finished were incredibly awkward. Well, they would have been if this story wasn’t fictional. It was real right up to the point I noticed some girl’s knickers. They weren’t even in the washing machine; they were in the dryer. I ate all my meatballs so I couldn’t have dinner. What is weird is how they have heating instructions on things that don’t need to be cooked. I cut myself the other day with a razor. I was trying to balance on my fingers but the weight was all wrong so I cut right on the webbing between my fingers. Let that be a lesson to any kids reading this: never play with blades.

I spent most of the school day in the workshops making my model. I’ve really fucked it up pretty badly by trying to drill it, and I designed it with a variable fillet which is really hard to do in real life. It is for me, anyway. I got really bored and decided to try to make a penis out of wood. We drilled a hole in it so it could go round on the vertical oscillating drum sander

I read that drunk people are unable to give their consent to sex. It stands to reason that drunk people are therefore not accountable for their actions. I wondered if I could somehow use this to my advantage to get away with some sort of kebab shop robbery or to get drunk during the day and rob a bank. I would have to be very drunk to rob a bank. It would be worth it just for the surveillance footage of me staggering in and waving a knife about before just sitting down on the floor because my legs ached. I wouldn’t be to blame though because I would be drunk. It’s like the man who got away with murder because he was asleep. Unless the man promises to never sleep again, I think he should still go to prison.

I arranged to meet someone in Mosh tonight. Let’s call him Shaun, because that’s his name. I didn’t think he would actually come. I went to get a second drink and I’m sure the woman at the bar said something to the man at the bar about me. Service with a smile doesn’t count if that smile is just the suppression of a laugh. Shaun came and then I had a third drink. I then suddenly felt really hot. Then I started coughing and my airwaves felt really tight. Then I was itchy on my armpits and head and pubes. I could feel bumps on my arm. I went to the toilet to see if I looked like the leper I felt, but I just looked a bit hot. A drunkard bumped into me in the toilet and I looked at him with mock disdain. I got the best look back ever. It looked like a mix of fear, admiration, but mostly just confusion. Then Shaun met up with some other friends he knew and my symptoms soon went. One of the new people was a girl. Let’s call her Jodie, because that’s her name. I’m fairly sure it was Jodie and not Josie. I think she looked alright, but she had really short hair so it was hard to say. I don’t like short hair on women because it makes me think they’re either a lesbian or a serial killer. I think she liked me, though. We went to the dance floor with her friends and lost Shaun. I learned that Shaun had left so then I was with friends of his. I was speaking to Jodie and she said she did “zoo-ology”. She didn’t say “zoo-logy” or “zo-ology” like how it should be pronounced. Then Jodie and one of her friends left and told me to Facebook her. I said I didn’t have Facebook and she said she’d talk to Shaun. I sort of liked her apart from her hair. Maybe if I wait long enough it will grow enough for me to be attracted to her and by that time, she will have realised what a cunt I am. So there I was, left with a friend of hers. Let’s call him Ranworth Windmill, because I forgot his name. He went up to some people that he knew and I was just there.  Then he left so I was with the people that he was too drunk to properly introduce me to. There were 4 degrees of separation between us. That pretty much covers about 500 million people. The night ended and I went home. I just had four double vodkas and the free shot that comes with the £1.00 entry, so I only spent 11. I went home and played GTA IV.

It’s a Sunday. What is there to write about? I woke up this morning and thought my stomach was rumbling really badly but it was just the toilet upstairs. My Mum rang today. Among other things, she asked if I had precautions or if I needed her to send me some. I said I was fine. I didn’t say I wouldn’t need any ever. She bought me some before for Christmas. That was a long time ago back when I had a girlfriend so it wasn’t just her way of telling me to get out more. Those condoms are still in the wrapper. Three years. Three years since I last felt what the inside of a lady was like with my member. Still, maybe one day it will happen again. Maybe even tomorrow. Except I know for a fact that I don’t even have sex with a girl with boy hair tomorrow.

I woke up with blood on my hands. Well, blood on one hand. Well, a bit of blood round my fingernail from a small cut on the cuticle and a slightly grazed arm. I can only guess what happened. I think I was probably fingering a girl who was laying down outside and I scraped my hand on the ground. Maybe I grazed my arm on a wall while saving an orphan child from some fire. Quite possibly I was fighting a leopard and it scratched me with its claw. Who knows what happened? I don’t know, but it was definitely none of the above.

I was going to go out tonight with a mate, but he said he was busy so I didn’t even go out alone. I just stayed in and saved myself some money and some embarrassment. I am proud of myself.

I was meant to go out with a friend today but he didn’t text me. I felt I should go out, but I didn’t really want to and knew that though I felt I should, I should really stay in. I went out, though at about half 12. I had a wander round the Westfield shopping centre for no reason but then it started to rain and I got a bit wet. I then went to Coyote Wild. They didn’t even look at my ID. Either I look old enough or they recognise me. It’s not good if they recognise me. I had double vodka and Monsters. After 2, the man knew what I was having each time. It’s not good if he recognises me. I lost 2 pounds on the quiz machine and then danced with a woman for a bit. She was a bit too old and unattractive for my liking, but I really shouldn’t be fussy. The night ended after 6 double vodka and cokes and I left the club. I don’t even remember going home.

I missed my lecture today again. I think yesterday morning I must have turned my alarm off because I woke up at 10 today. I made the most of getting up early and finished off some coursework due in today. I rewarded myself with some caramel squares. I also posted a letter to the student finance people. What a busy day. I probably also managed quite a good bit of wanking.

I did a big shop today. I needed a bag for it all and everything.  Not much else happened today. I see that Qatada man is in the news. I thought he was a real criminal but on the news they treat him like a pantomime villain. Before they say his name they always boo him.

I had a bad nightmare last night. Normally, I wake up and feel good because the nightmare is over, but this morning was different. I dreamt that I kept talking to girls in clubs and so everyone hated me. I haven’t woken up from that nightmare yet. Still, I am a new man now. I ate 4 apples today. Only because my doctor molested me when I asked him to look at a lump so I’m trying to keep him very far away. I didn’t do much today.

Some people say that porn gives unrealistic expectations of sex, but that’s not true. There are 7 billion people in the World. Half that gives us the maximum possible amount of sex. Half that again to remove ugly people and we get that there are 1.75 billion acts of sex each day. Write that down. 50% of the ugly people masturbate (the males), so 1.75 billion people masturbate each day. Taking me to be the average, I generally masturbate around 8+ times daily and normally I go through maybe 5 videos at a minimum each time until I find a good one. That means I see 40 porn videos a day. Multiply that by 1.75 billion, and we discover that 70 billion pornographic films are being viewed each day – 40 times more videos than people have sex. The point being: as pornography is more common than sex, I think women should really up their game. My research also shows that the average person has been in 10 porn films.

I think I might be racist. I was getting tossed off by a black girl the other day and she seemed to be a bit bored so I told her she could give me a footjob if it felt more natural.

I either had the best or worst night of my life tonight. I went out to an army night at Fever. One man was pretending to be in camouflage gear, but it was just a woman’s shirt with flowers on it. Maybe that would work if he was ever stationed in someone’s front garden. I also think I saw a woman trip but successfully turn it into a dance. I didn’t think that would ever work. I was on my fourth double vodka and coke and I decided that I wasn’t enjoying myself and I just had to sit through the night. Then I had an epiphany: I don’t have to drink. When everyone else is drunk, you don’t have to be. I decided to not drink for the rest of the week. That shouldn’t be a problem because I’m not an alcoholic. I went to the bar and ordered a coke. It was £1.60 which is frankly ridiculous. For the rest of the night, I wasn’t drunk enough to not be self-conscious and I contemplated going early, but I decided I should not be a pussy and hold out because I didn’t have to spend any money so there was nothing to lose. I stood and danced but I knew I looked a twat. There was a man who said he had no friends there and he gave me his number. I feel I should arrange to go out with him sometime, but I’m not sure a man like me is the best friend to have. I looked at my phone a lot tonight and noticed that I have no apps other than what comes pre-loaded. I felt like socialising so I went up to a man on the fruit machine and told him to “hold the bells”. He just looked confused so I asked him if he’d ever seen the Fast Show and he said no. I ended the night with two fivers and some coins. I saw a tramp and gave him 6p. I told him I would give him more and I thought I had a pound, but I misjudged the coin so it was just a 5p. I felt bad for raising his hopes, but if he wanted money that much, he would get a job. I was going to get a kebab on the way home, but I resisted temptation. I am like Christ and that was my last temptation. It’s only my last because I will probably kill myself soon. I hope not, though.

Remembrance Sunday. What is it with November and remembering things? Remember the fifth; remember the 11th; remember to do your flies up after you’ve had a piss. That’s an all-year-round one to be fair. I did partake in the two minutes silence this morning by default. Like any normal person, I was in bed. I wondered why it was 2 minutes silence anyway. I think it’s because a 2 looks like 11 in Roman numerals. I stayed up until 4 because I was doing the best rip-off of the Tuss I’ve ever done. One day, I’ll be successful and have loads of money and bitches and a pony, but until then, my money’s all on GTA, my bitches are on Saints Row, and I have a horse on Oblivion.

I got up at 12 which is a reasonable time. I felt good even though I had 5 or 6 drinks last night. Double vodka and Monster is my favourite because I can’t taste the vodka. I cleaned up my pots and pans and wiped some of what I presume was my blood from the cupboards. I didn’t do much else until I went out.

I went out to Coyote Wild. I took notes throughout the night so I wouldn’t have to remember the funny things that happened. The first funny thing was me reading someone’s text. I couldn’t read what they had written, but I was able to see the big letters that come up when you press buttons on the iPhone. It was something like “I’m going to give it to you in your poohole.” That choice of wording amused me. Then there was a fight. The bouncer ran over to it and spilt some of my drink. What a dick. Then I found a phone on the floor. I handed it in but maybe I should have kept it. Anyone else would have kept it. I also noticed that a lot of the time I take my phone out my pocket, the colours always seem to be inverted. I think it’s just where I play with it in my pocket. I also play with my knife in my pocket a lot. I should really dance. I asked a man if he ever considered being gay and he said yes. I then asked if I could bum him. He looked scared. I’m not even gay. A bit later I had my picture taken with some people because I looked like Ed Sheeran. I wondered if I could pretend I was actually him. I don’t think I look enough like him. I would have more luck pretending to be the Milky Bar Kid, Shaggy from Scooby Doo, Velma from Scooby Doo, or the Happy Shopper logo. Still, I managed to use my powers of looking a bit like Ed Sheeran to get a bit of gum and a cigarette. I managed to smoke it all without coughing. That’s my first time of proper smoking so I’m glad I tried it. Can’t see the appeal really. I then asked a man why he had two drinks and he gave me one. It was an almost full bottle of Kopparberg. I might start getting that if it’s cheap enough because it’s just like fruit juice. The night ended and then I went up to some people and told them I was their boss. I only did it because I thought it would be funny to write about, but it isn’t that funny. I got chatting to them and they said I needed to be more confident. I know that. I think they also said to stop annoying people or something like that. On the way home I was behind a group of people. There were two black men with some European women and another woman with them. She was talking about how she wanted a black man and said something about gay pirates. I said I was a gay pirate but I was told I wasn’t black enough. Curse you God for making me this way.

I went to uni today feeling quite tired. I came back and after a bit decided to have a short nap on the bed. Half an hour later, I woke up and decided to make it a long nap so I got in the bed and slept until about 9. Then I went out to get dinner. I got 6 packets of Quavers instead. After I had eaten them all, I decided I should do dinner properly so I went to get sausages, but I wasn’t hungry after all the Quavers. It’s good to buy food in advance, though. I laid down for a bit without sleeping and decided to pop out to a club at about 11. A few months ago, I would never have had the balls to go out alone anywhere, but now I just don’t care. It is just because I don’t have the balls to ask someone in my flat to come with me.

I went to Coyote Wild. It was pretty dead. I saw Amy and her little friend. Her friend said that they were lesbians which is why Amy didn’t like me. I caught them out by asking them to kiss. It wasn’t at all convincing. They admitted they weren’t lesbians. Then they left and her friend made me come to Walkabout. I realised there was no point in following because neither of them wanted to have sex with me, and Amy has a rubbish sense of humour so she’d make a shit friend. I went back to Coyote Wild. It had picked up very slightly. I joined a couple of people at the quiz machine and we lost a bit but at one point we got £3.00. They left. I don’t think I embarrassed myself too much with anyone tonight. I hugged a girl I think. Some slag asked me if I was a drum player. I said yes because I can actually drum to the sort of shit they play in clubs. Also, she thought the term was “drum player”, so she deserves to be semi-lied to. I got her or someone else up on the stage and manhandled her a bit. Just in a drunk way, not in a rape way. She didn’t mind probably. I tried to get her to come with me after the club shut but she said she had a boyfriend. Why do girls not just tell me to fuck off instead of telling lies like “I’m a lesbian” or “I have a boyfriend”. The other night, I approached a couple of honeys who said they had boyfriends. I asked if that was true or if they just hated me. They said it was true, but they did also say they hated me. Hatred is better than pity. The lass from tonight probably thought I wanted her to come back to my place but I just meant to come to another club. It was 3 O’clock though so there wouldn’t have been anywhere open if I had actually been thinking.

On the way home, a man asked me for a light. I said I didn’t have one. Then he called me a dickhead. I asked him why and he said he had trouble with his girlfriend. I definitely should have punched him for calling me a dickhead. At home, I decided to use my sausages to make sticky pigs and tails. That’s what I call sausages with cheese and curly pasta that’s like pig tails. The meal was fine, but I was a bit cavalier with the knife when it came to cutting the cheese and ended up slashing three of my fingers. Nothing major, but I remember a lot of blood.

Looks like Obama is happy that some states have legalised gay marriage. Maybe he should be called Brokebarack Obummer. Today was a staying-in day, though I did go out to get dinner. I walked about for a bit because I rang Rob. I was interrupted twice. The first man was a coloured chap and asked me if it was Derby city centre and then asked where he could get some bud. I really wish I knew. I walked about for a bit more.

On the return stretch from walking about a bit, a man came up to me and started begging, even though I was on the phone. He said he was cold and I should have told him to fuck off at that point because he had a massive coat on and I was just in a shirt. If he’s used to living on the streets, how could he be such a pussy? He asked for some money for a coffee or drugs or whatever (I wasn’t really listening) so I reached in my pocket to pull out some change. I picked out four coins and I really hoped that one of them wasn’t a pound. Luckily, they were only two five pences and two pennies. I apologised for it not being much and the dick said “It’s a start.” Sorry? It’s a start? Considering you’ve done fuck all for it, it’s an incredibly good start. I normally don’t give money to scum like you, so consider yourself bloody lucky. Maybe if I was your boss and you had a proper fucking job, you could take me to some sort of tribunal for only paying you 12p, but you don’t have a job, do you? Begging people for money isn’t a job; it is in fact actually a crime. By giving money to a piece of shit like you, I’m aiding a criminal, and yet I still do it because I’m such a kind and generous man. You don’t even have any right to complain. You’ve been talking to me for about 20 seconds and I’ve given you 12p. Doing the maths, you’re earning £21.60 an hour. Not bad considering you’ve done fuck all to deserve it, you massive cunt. I’m all for compassion towards my fellow man, but I really don’t think the homeless count as people… And he looked like Chris Moyles.

So then I went to get some dinner. I probably just got crisps or something. I stayed up till 3 or so making some sounds.

I pulled an all-nighter last night. I really wish I had a reason to. I just pissed about on-line really. I started thinking about religion and how you generally have the same religion as your parents. I wondered maybe if I would be religious if my parents were. I’ve never really thought about it. I could be religious if I want. Of course, everyone knows religion is for benders so obviously I’m not going to be going Catholic or become a Rasta or anything, but I could be if I wanted to be. That’s the kind of society we live in. I could be a rasta. Or a Muslim. I don’t think I could be a Muslim because I just thought about it and imagined myself wearing a burka. I don’t really understand.

I thought I had a nasty bruise today*, but it was just where my pen had leaked through my trousers and marked my leg. It didn’t come off in the shower even after a lot of scrubbing so I sort of hoped I might have been left with a permanent tattoo of a blur. That would be a funny tattoo to have. A tattoo of nothing. A tattoo of my life. On that subject, I really need to stop saying to myself that the problem is that I need to get out more. I really don’t. Soon, every girl who rejects me will have rejected me on a different night. Also, I’m not even unattractive. I’m just a knobhead. A grade-A knobhead. I really think drugs are the answer here. I think I might be a bit less self-concious if I was chilled-out on heroin. Maybe I would be more fun when high. Maybe I can just use drugs on the girl. I would only use rohypnol on a girl if I thought she fancied me. Then it’s just saving time and making sure I don’t accidentally say the wrong thing. There’s no harm in that. Why did I think that was a good idea to say I was sexist the other night? If this was Oblivion, I would have reloaded my checkpoint a lot that night. I should really take up lying. People who lie get all the fun. Lying is just acting really. I could say I was parodying the sort of people who lie in clubs to get girls even though I am one of those people. One man on Monday got a kiss off a girl just because he said it was his birthday. I really don’t think it was. He had been pretty much begging, though. There’s no dignity in that. Maybe next time I go out, I could have cancer. Maybe if I caught cancer I wouldn’t have to lie about it. If I got ball cancer, I could live with one ball. I could get a fake one and nobody would know, but if I got another cancer in my other ball, I would literally have no balls. I don’t even need balls really. No woman would let me inseminate her. If anything, it would be less DNA to be left at a crime scene. Just a simple rape – not a rape and murder. I wrote all of the above while I was tired. I raised some good points.

After uni, Andy came back to my place and played a bit of Halo 3. We had to go out and get batteries for the controller, though. 8 pounds they cost for 8 batteries. If it was normal, I would definitely have gone to a different shop but I didn’t want to look poor. I beat Andy loads but it doesn’t count because I knew the maps pretty well can couldn’t help but keep looking at his screen. He left and I slept for 6 or so hours. Phil said he was going out tonight to Walkabout with friends so I went there after getting some caramel slices for dinner. I had 3 big ones and they made me feel a bit sick before I even started drinking.

I arrived really early at Walkabout and there were only about 20 people there. I got a double vodka and coke for £2.75 which is good. I went to sit on a sofa and picked up 50p. I wondered again if I was an alcoholic. I’m not, though. I got another couple of drinks and then met Phil. He let me stay with him which was nice, but I lost him for a bit. I had a go on Pub Quiz, the best of all quiz machine games. Put in 50p; took out a pound. I got the last one wrong but I still had my second chance so I used it and won the pound. I went and met back with Phil and I had two shots and some more double vodka and coke. I lost Phil again so I went back to the machine. I saw a girl sitting nearby alone and convinced her to join me. I didn’t win any money, but I did get a snog off her because she didn’t know an answer. Nice. On the way to the toilets, a girl saw my Nuka Cola shirt and said Fallout. She is my perfect woman. If only I had replied with something witty instead of “yeah”. At one point, I saw Amy and asked if she was drunk enough to like me. She just looked confused so I took that as a no. A bit later when I was sitting alone, she came up and I think she said “I was never drunk enough to like you.” I went back to the quiz machine and lost 5p on it because it wouldn’t take my money, but it didn’t return the 5p. In my lifetime, I’ve definitely lost more on the quiz machine than won. I just need to get good at sport knowledge. I met up with Phil and his mates and we danced the night away and then I went home. A few highlights among the numerous rejections this evening. Back at the flat, I did pasta and sausages. Nice.

*It was actually a few days ago but it was so boring that I forgot to mention it.

Today started how every day after a night of drinking starts: feeling like I’ve both pissed and shit myself and half expecting to wake up in a pool of vomit. I was just a bit sweaty really and mostly fine. Of course there was the usual self-loathing and hatred for everyone else based in a hatred of myself, but they’re only fictional. I got 4 litres of soda of cream for £1.20 today. It’s bad stuff. I would rather drink water than pay for more, because it really is bad. I still haven’t hit rock bottom here yet – That was back in the Isle of Wight when I bought 2 litres of cola for 17p. I had a fair income then, so I have no idea what shit I’ll start buying when my money runs out. If I do have no money at any stage, I guess I’ll just have to become a rentboy. I definitely could be a boy of rent. I don’t think I’d really mind. I wouldn’t want anything going in my mouth, though. That’s weird. I would just want to have the man do whatever he wants back there and leave. I could just be a plain old male prostitute for women. Like that’ll ever happen. I doubt I’m good enough at sex to be that. That’s why it’s best to be a rentboy. I’ve decided now. I’ll just be a rentboy.

I got some cereal too today. Cornflakes. I thought cornflakes were Frosties but they’re not. They’re Frosties without the frost. They’re like a crisp with no coating. They are just corn. I am essentially eating grass. I wondered if it would be wrong to sugar the cornflakes while in the box or if that is just low. I think that’s what I’m heading for. I haven’t even got my bowl out my box yet. I don’t have milk either for cereal. I don’t need milk because I just lean over the box and my tears make the cornflakes wet. I wished my tears made women wet. If they did, maybe I wouldn’t cry so much. I don’t even know if I’m joking anymore.  I’m not joking about the cornflakes; they really are boring. They may be described on the box as “golden toasted flakes of corn”, but that means nothing. What does golden mean in this sense? The colour? Definitely yellow. The taste? It’s certainly not golden. It’s not even bronze. At best, it’s iron. Maybe they’re actually made of gold. A check of the ingredients says otherwise. It’s bullshit. They’re not golden. I’m alright with the toasted part of the description; they could very well be toasted. I don’t even know what toasted means to be honest. You can toast stuff under the grill, can’t you? Why doesn’t that mean grilled? You can even fry toast as well. French toast, that is. I thought French toast meant Joan of Arc. My main problem with the “golden toasted flakes of corn” blurb is the flakes of corn element. It sounds to me like they’ve just taken the name and reversed it in order to boost word count. I wondered what else I could rearrange for no reason at all.

• Clip for paper (paperclip)
• Board of keys (keyboard)
• Market which is super (supermarket)
• Burger of beef (beefburger)
• Man who makes watches (watchmaker)

*I do eat it from a plate. I’m not that low yet.

Remember remember the fifth of November. Last year I forgot it and went straight to November the sixth. That was awkward. I don’t know why we celebrate November the fifth with fireworks when Guy failed to blow up Parliament. We should really have a public execution to commemorate the event.

I got some Cherry Coke recently. The colour scheme and flavour are the same as Dr Pepper. Spooky. I also saw that Jeremy from Peep Show has a Yamaha Portasound PSS-460. I’ve got one of them. I bought it for 99p plus postage from eBay.

I went out tonight. I put on my pink shirt and what I think are women’s jeans and headed out. I don’t like Levi’s because anyone looking at my arse can see how big my waist is (34). I got some brownies on the way for dinner because I had done my pasta and hotdogs when I got in from school and I had got hungry. I had about 5 double vodka and cokes in the first hour and then just 2 or three in the rest of the night. I went into a cubicle at one point just to sit down and think about what I was doing with my life. I saw a girl and thought of going up to her and complimenting her on her hat but then I thought she might make me have sex with the hat if I loved the hat so much. I met some people and got chatting and got to pretend I had friends for a bit. I stayed until the end and then I left. I ran for a bit on the way home. I went to bed in my shirt but I managed to take my trousers off. I had a dream I was going about pubs and had a whole bottle of Disaronno. I’m an alcoholic even in my dreams.

I saw an episode of Peep Show today with VLC in windowed mode. Mark was playing solitaire. I was playing Solitaire. I am pathetic. I went out with my mate who didn’t go out yesterday. We went to a fireworks display and then I convinced him to go to the pub. The first place we went in wouldn’t serve me because my ID was out-of-date, so we went next door. I had four pints of Strongbow. I lost so much on the quiz machine, even though I went over to two different sets of people who were on it. I said one man looked like an idiot so he needed help. He didn’t lamp me one. I liked him because he actually knew loads. I smiled at a lady. That’s my third base. I went home and I was hungry so I was just going to do pasta and cheese, but I realised it was only 11 so I bought some mini hotdogs and had pasta and cheese and mini hotdogs, I think I was speaking to the hotdogs. That’s not weird because it’s just like talking to someone at their grave. That’s what I reasoned because hotdogs are just dead pigs and people talk to dead things sometimes. I was actually talking to myself via the hotdogs confirming that I wasn’t an alcoholic. I don’t know about the mental health issue, but I am certain I am not actually an alcoholic. Am I? No. As my mate said tonight, I’m a student, not an alcoholic.

I saw a nice firework display today; I won a game of Mahjong. What else? I had couple of Rustler’s burgers for breakfast/lunch/dinner. That was all I ate. I felt quite bad today. In the olden days, the weekend was quite a productive time. I could have a few wanks and maybe play some Xbox, but now it’s taken up of mostly sleeping and feeling like shit. I should go on a walk or something because I feel fine when I’m outside. Walking is really boring, though. I got some Andrex toilet paper recently. I feel really guilty using it to mop up semen because of the little imprints of puppies on it.

I was going to go out tonight but my friend didn’t text. I’m even getting rejected by people I don’t want to have sex with now. It’s good how I didn’t go out really because I need to prove to myself I’m not an alcoholic. I’m not, b the w.

One thing I noticed ages ago is the area code for Derby is 01332, which is very nearly 01322 – the code for Dartford. Spooky.

I am a genius. I won 50p on the quiz machine all by myself. That can go towards the £27.50 I spent on drinks. I’m a bloody student; I can’t afford that and I shouldn’t do it because it makes me feel like shit the next day and I don’t even like drinking. I had four double vodka and cokes in Mosh and five double vodka and Monsters in Coyote Wild. They were £3.50 in there but the women in there are generally older so more likely to be desperate. Desperate enough to have sex with me. I met a girl and she fucked me like a porn star i.e. you could tell by her eyes that she regretted it. That never happened of course. I danced with some people and left at some point. I fell asleep on the bathroom floor at home. I managed to only be sick in one of the bathrooms and I cleaned it up before I went back to my room. I have the social skills of Mark from Peep Show and the unemployability of Jez from Peep Show. There are so many points in that where I think “That’s happened to me. This week.” I’ve seen it before but I’m watching it again. I just saw the one where he goes to university to get a girl… I need to get in touch with the loans people because I’m stealing education at the moment. I also never had to prove what results I got at A-level.

Before I went out, I played with my plasticine again. I tried to do myself but I gave up because I couldn’t so I made this little guy instead. It’s what I would look like if I had 8 teeth, a long tongue and was made of plasticine.

I was annoyed this morning. My alarm failed to wake me. It should be continuous but it stops after a while I think, because it wasn’t going off when I woke up.  Maybe I just managed to stop it while remaining asleep. Today is the first time I’ve missed a lecture, because I’m a good boy, and I would have gone in today even though I had a bit of a dicky tummy. I went out to get some Play-doh to model a thing. I got a big sausage on the way. I had a look in Poundland but they didn’t have Play-doh. I didn’t see any cheap toys either. I’ve been watching a lot of Ashen’s videos lately. I did buy some shampoo and some earphones, which I’m sure will be of the highest quality. My old pair are soon to go I think. I thought the new pair had little metal-type bits on them, but now I look closer I see they’re shitty little plastic gems. The word “Diamante” on the packet should have been a clue, but I thought it was just a model name. I walked about a bit more and chanced upon an art supply shop. I got 500 grams of plasticine for £2.25, which seems quite good. I spent a good few hours making two models of a presentation controller. Both of them went through a phase of looking like a penis. I also made a little head.

In the shower, there are 11 bottles. That is too many. One of them is mine, which means the other five have 10 bottles between them. Take two bottles into the shower? I just wash and go. I realised the shampoo I got today won’t work for me because it’s for dry hair, and I generally use it in the shower so it’s no good.

They say dolphins are intelligent because they can communicate using clicks. If they were really intelligent, they would be using touchscreens now instead of mice.

Halloween special: Halloween is just an excuse for people to dress up. It’s like cosplaying but for normal people. I was thinking of dressing up tonight, and because I don’t have any fancy dress, dressing up means drawing something on my face with pen. I narrowed it down to a few options:

• Hitler moustache. Possibly with some drawn on glasses. That would be me going as a vandalised drawing as opposed to just as Hitler. Dressing up as Hitler socially is generally frowned upon.
• Butterfly drawn over mouth so I look like the Silence of the Lambs poster. I can’t go as a poster.
• Rorschach from out of Watchmen. It’s too much effort.
• Jimmy Saville. It would just be me topless with “Jimmy Saville” written on my chest. I could write “I rape kids” on my chest and go as Gary Glitter too. You never see something like that written on one of these so-called “offensive” t-shirts. If I did write “I rape kids” on my chest and go out topless, somebody might think I had actually tried to get off with a young girl and so I had been branded with the legend as a warning to others. That’s not really the look I’m going for.

Someone on Monday had a box on his head made to look like Steve from Minecraft. That made my day. In the end, Max offered me some fake blood because he said I can’t just draw a Hitler moustache on. I did it anyway to see how I would look and I almost got high off the solvent from the marker. The fake blood wasn’t very good so I got some real blood from my arm. If I ever did self-harm, I would definitely use a scalpel because it goes through flesh so easily. I put the fake and real blood on a shirt.

I did pasta and sausages for dinner. I did a bit too much again but I ate it all in one. Then I did some drawing in my room. In true Halloween fashion, I drew a scary man, a woman knifed to death on my bed, and the scariest thing of all, a picture of my face. It’s scary enough without me looking like an courtroom picture of a rapist, which is how every picture I draw of me looks. It’s not that bad a picture, but I’m just not Chinese.

The gallery

I heard them playing drinking games in the kitchen so I went to join in. I had to have Foster’s Amber Nectar, and I ended up having to drink the pint in Ring of fire. Fortunately, it was just Foster’s and some vodka drink. We went out at about 12 and we went to Coyote Wild. It was good because double vodka and Monster was £2.50. I think I just had three. I was a bit more drunk than Monday. I would say that it was a good thing. I went to the toilet so lost my mates so started to chatting to some girls. They left because they said the music was too black. They weren’t even playing stuff with a kalimba and a talking drum, though. I got a hug off one of the girls. That’s my third base. I found my mates again and then lost them again so I chatted to some more girls. I went up on stage and kept having to suppress a smile because I wasn’t drunk enough to think I really should be on the stage; I was just drunk enough to do it. Luckily, nobody was looking at me up there so they didn’t see my constant stream of rejection as I tried to get girls to dance with me. At one point I was in the toilet and the funny man who hangs about the toilets was having a wee. I’m sure every club has a weird man like that. I said that he should be standing by the sinks because that’s his job. He laughed. When he left the room, I realised it was actually a different black man who I had told to go “over there”. If he wasn’t drunk, he might have thought I was being racist. I went back to my mates but they left I think. As the bar was closing, I got chatting to a lady. I got a kiss. I tried with tongue but she wasn’t having it. She was 35 and with her lodger who was 42 and a man. He said I looked like Boris Johnson and I said he looked like Jimmy Saville. He said I looked like Jimmy Saville. I didn’t even have it written across my chest. We went to some other place but that was closing too. I enquired about a threesome but she wasn’t up for that either. Smooth.

I am normal. I got up quite late at about 3. I decided to have breakfast at about 5. Rob said I can’t cook meat but I can. All the proper meat was expensive so I just got some sausages. I wanted to do vegetables so I got garlic too. I went home and did dinner. I did loads of pasta with some cheese and fried the sausages with the garlic. The garlic seems to come in a white paper wrapper, or at least it tastes like it. I don’t think you’re meant to eat the skin so I just threw garlic away. It was good apart from that. I couldn’t eat it all because of all the pasta and the five sausages. I left it until before I was about to go to bed. I think the cheese gave me a semi lucid dream.

I went out tonight, on my own. I think that’s part of where I’m going wrong. I think there’s a deeper problem, though: I’m a cunt. I was just knocking about then some girls called me over and I started dancing with them. Then I had my arm round one of them, which is my third base, but she had a boyfriend so I was hoping for a fight because I’ve never been in a fight, apart from with a 20-foot robot wolf. I don’t think people fight each other as much as I think they do. I wandered off and just stayed by myself mostly. A girl winked at me, which is my third base, but she did in such a way as if to say “Freak”. I saw her later and she asked why I was on my own and I said my friends were pussies. They probably are because I don’t think they go out as much as me. She asked if they didn’t like Mosh and I said maybe they didn’t like me. She said she liked me. I said thanks. I was with them for a bit. They had a little gay fella with them who was dancing like a mental. He looked like a shorter version of me. I said something and the lady said I had said some controversial things and then I said I hated gays and women. I really need to make my jokes funnier. She said “I don’t know whether you’re funny or just annoying.” I would say both. I stayed with them for a while and then she started talking to some man who was painted and the other two dispersed so I went. I hung about a bit more and then the place shut. It was a good night because I only had 5 drinks, and one of them was a free shot with the one pound entry, so I spent just 11 pounds. I was exactly the right level of drunkenness. It’s good being a lightweight. I saw someone on my course outside and I tried to get them and their mates to come to mine and play five finger fillet but they didn’t come. I saw the girl who I had had my arm round and asked her where her friend was. She saw someone she knew and asked him to save her from “This freak”, as I suggested. She agreed, so I went for a walk.

I walked for about an hour when I came to a graveyard. I thought I should try to spend the night in there as it’s Halloween sort of. I sat on a bench. I joked (with myself) that the bench would be dedicated to me and it would turn out I had been dead for 10 years. The inscription read “May all who rest here, rest in the light.” That felt really creepy because I was resting there in darkness. I tried to sleep there, but it’s really hard to sleep outside in the middle of a cold October night in Derby with just a shirt for warmth, so I decided to go back the three miles I had walked to get home. On the way, I tried jogging. I don’t understand jogging so I pretty much just ran. It was the sort of speed of an 800 metres. I only managed it for about 20-60 seconds before I was out of breath and so I just stuck to walking the rest of the way. I saw a road sign that just said “End”. Even the roads want me to kill myself. I got in at 5:30. I felt quite good after my little walk, and I slept like a baby i.e.  I woke up in the night crying… and then shit the bed.