Diary

I spent pretty much the whole day making music. What a waste of a day, considering nobody else will ever listen to it.

My hand stings. It’s looks live I’ve been fisting a threshing machine. I realise I left my memory stick at uni. I don’t think there was anything on there that wasn’t on my computer, but it’s still annoying.

I went out tonight again. On the way there, some man shouted “get your gash out” at a woman. I wonder if that ever actually works. I’ll have to try it one day. I was going to go to Nono8 but I wasn’t sure if it was open so I decided to go to Mosh, but I needed to kill some time before it opened, so I mustered up the courage to go the jazz bar. It was like being in Brazil. Samba was playing and there was a high crime rate. £6.98 for a double vodka and coke. The woman looked surprised when I ordered it. I thought it was because it was such an alcoholic drink, but maybe she just was surprised to see that I was apparently the Sultan of Brunei. I left and got lost for a bit and went to Mosh.

In Mosh, there was a man who had earrings that looked like they were the little plastic caps you get on the end of metal furniture. I wonder how long it will be before the fashion is to where tongue stones like they do in Africa. Another thing worth noting is that the DJ on floor 2 was fat, wore glasses and had a beard. He looked just like Big Keith from The Office. I had six double vodka and cokes and then I was sick in the club. Somehow, I got home after that. I think I slept on the bathroom floor again for a bit. What a waster.

I decided I would go out to see if I could meet some girl with low enough standards to have sex with me. Spoiler alert: I couldn’t find one. I texted Jacob to ask if I could go out with him but I may have got his number wrong because I was pissing about when he told me. Actually, the number was probably right, but he just ignored me. I went to Mosh and had a couple of drinks and then one of Amy’s friends came over and told me Amy was there and dragged me over to her. A few minutes later they said they were going to Fever. I said I’d just stay at Mosh. I did and had two more drinks in about an hour again. I didn’t feel drunk enough to talk to anyone so I waited a bit for it to kick in. I decided that false hope was better than no hope because without knowing the hope is false, it’s real hope, so I left Mosh to go to Fever.

I saw the future in Fever – a bald freak man standing on his own. If I shaved my hair tonight, that would be me exactly. My hairline already starts pretty far back, so I use my long hair to cover it up. A double vodka and coke in Fever costs four pounds, so I decided to just have the one. I couldn’t see Amy there, which meant I had wasted my money. Even if she had been there, it would have been a waste. Some lass in a wedding dress came up to me and asked me where the toilets were. I showed her and waited for her because I thought she might want to get back at her husband for leaving her on her wedding night. Looking back, I think it may have been fancy dress*. She said she wanted to go home and I suggested I walk her home and she said she lived far away. I tried to muster up the courage to say she could stay at my place, but before I had chance to be rejected, she had gone. I went to the toilet and met Hannibal Lecter. I said he was just dressed up and I dared him to bite my finger. He gave it a proper biting, the mentalist. I went back to the main bit and saw Amy’s friend again. She called me over so I went over. I thought I might have a chance with her, but I obviously didn’t because she is human. Then Amy came and we all danced for a but, but then they decided to leave. I asked Amy why she didn’t like me and she said she just wasn’t attracted to me. I offered her a biscuit to change her mind, but it didn’t work. Plenty more whores in the basket – that’s what they say. I felt quite demoralised after that so I just went home. It wasn’t all bad – I still had my biscuits.

When I got home, I thought the best thing to do would be to play five finger fillet. It’s a great game to play while drunk because you don’t have to stop if you get hit. Unfortunately, my kitchen knife has a blunt tip so I was relegated to using knifey, which is a lot sharper than I thought. I was fairly sure that I was playing to try to hit between my fingers, but this photo suggests that maybe I was aiming for flesh.

*I knew that at the time. I wasn’t that drunk.

I played a bit of Bulletstorm today. I also went to uni. I breathed as well. What a depressing day.

I was no more tired this morning than any other. I went to school and learned about bending and moments. I seemed to know it all already. I did learn about what a shear force diagram actually is. At my old job, my boss had drawn one and I pretended I knew what it was.

A new firework shop has opened up just across the road from the one that’s already there. One thing that caught my eye was the slogan “Fireworks all year round”. It seems like an odd slogan considering they’ve set up shop a couple of weeks before fireworks night and will most likely close soon after. They might stay open until as late as new year’s eve, but I doubt it. I just hope the rivalry between the two shops doesn’t culminate in some sort of firework battle involving simulated mortar attacks and RPG shots on the other shop… Actually, that would be good.

I think my lack of sleep last night made me go mad. I had a panic attack or something because I felt like I was wasting my life, but then I decided to go out and so I became really happy and I was slightly crying with happiness. I don’t think just one night with not much sleep can do that. Maybe I have finally gone mad for real, or maybe I was just acting to myself in order to convince myself that I was mad because I knew I would write about it and it’s interesting compared to what I normally do. I was going to go to a jazz bar but if I spoke to someone there I might have to talk about jazz and I don’t know about jazz. I’d just want to talk about Sweet Like Chocolate. I decided to walk about for a bit. At one point, I thought a man was whistling at me but I ignored him. It turns out he was trying to give me a lap dance. Not him personally, but he had a card of some sort for a club. I said I wasn’t interested. I don’t think it’s right for women to be doing that. They should either have sex with you for money or get a proper job. I walked about a bit more and then went home. I think I’m one of the few people who can be cold and yet still sweat. I played Bulletstorm until 5 again. I’ve  just got three skillshots left to get.

Someone started knocking on my door at 10 in the morning. That’s not on. I just ignored it and it stopped. It started a bit later and it was Alex saying the men were here to change the smoke alarm in my room. I don’t know why I had to be woken. The man could have just crept in, changed the alarm, and I could have thought it was some strange dream. When I looked at my pillow, though, it had sick on it and there was some in the bed where it had been on my arm. Luckily I had spare sheets. As I was changing the sheets, I realised it wasn’t sick, but was just little black bits. I think I had been coughing in the night so I think it was just a bit of lung or something. The inside of my mouth felt a bit weird so it could have been cheek, or it could have been little bits of that paste you sometimes get in your mouth. I then realised I had a bit of my insides or whatever it was on my face. I cleaned my face and arm and all was good so I went back to bed. I felt fine.

When it came to get up at about 13, I felt a bit rough. Not terrible, but I wouldn’t have fancied a boat trip. I went out to get some food. The queue was too long in the Sainsbury’s so rather than wait 3 minutes, I went about 10 minutes down the road to Tesco. All I bought was a big sausage for a pound. I stopped by Blockbuster and got Bulletstorm, which is good so far. I’ll write a review of that some time. At one point, the player drinks some alcohol. The sight of it made me feel sick in my semi-hungover state. Even worse than that, I kept having to redo that part. I played that until about 11 when I got a curious text. It was Amy saying that she had been talking to Jacob. Remember? From yesterday? Apparently, Jacob knows someone in the flat in which Amy lives. He said through her that I could go round. I would only have been playing Bulletstorm so I decided to go round, even though it could have been a trap. I actually thought it might be some sort of ambush, but I think Bulletstorm had just corrupted my mind. I didn’t know to what I was actually going.

When I got there, it was just Jacob there on his own and I wondered what was going on, but then a girl came and it was less awkward. Part of me thought that Jacob had invited me over to have sex with me and I would either have the awkwardness of saying I had misunderstood or the awkwardness of having to be bummed. I don’t know why I think every man wants to have sex with me. It’s like my catchphrase “She definitely fancied me”*, except that is a joke every time. I think I might actually be gay and wishing that every man wants to bugger me.*² Someone else from last night came in and out at various points. They both seemed to think I really like Amy. To be honest, I don’t like her that much; she takes all my jokes at face value. As I consider myself somewhat of a comedian, that is a problem. And we’ve got nothing in common. Jacob suggested I should send her a text saying “I want to fuckkkk you.” I didn’t want to be silly, so I only put one k. I’m yet to hear back. At one point, the person who was coming in and out hid behind a door to avoid getting a bollocking from someone else for being too loud. It was like something from a sitcom; I never thought I’d see someone successfully hide behind a door in real life. I was there just talking until about 2.

When I left, I’m sure someone outside said my name. I get that a lot. I just put it down to me being mental or famous. On the way home I saw a sign on a shop that I misread as “closed for profit”, but it actually said “closed for refit”. That makes more sense. I was thinking about how surreal the night had been, even though it was just normal. So little happens to me, that any event is surreal. Going to where someone else lives is a foreign concept. I wasn’t tired when I got home so I played Bulletstorm until about 5. It reminds me of the time I played Portal II until about 5 because I wanted to complete it in one sitting. That was in the period between leaving school and getting a job. I hated that time.

*I’ve been forgetting to use this lately. The lady in the small local shop definitely fancies me. She remembers me at least.
*² I am definitely not gay.

I got an assignment today. We have to design a presentation controller within some tight parameters. I also learned that another piece of stuff was due in today. It was a just a draft for a formative assessment, so I managed to knock that up fairly quickly.

After pissing about for the evening, I decided I should go to Mosh to try to meet a lady. Amy hasn’t texted in a while so fuck her. I wish I was. I went out at about 11 and wanted to get a couple of Scottish eggs on the way, but Sainsbury’s don’t seem to do them any more. I got some crisps and walked about a bit so I finished them before I went to Mosh, on my own, of course. I got there early and there weren’t many people there and I didn’t know what to do so I bought four double vodka and cokes in about an hour. Luckily for my liver, a man came up to me and we spoke for a bit. I thought he had intended to bum me later but then he said we were looking for girls. Part of me was happy, because I would rather have sex with a lady than a man, but part of me wasn’t bothered. He took me by the hand, which was a bit gay, and led me to his friends. One of them was called Jacob. Remember that because he’s a recurring character. There were some girls there and I wasn’t holding out much hope. I had three or four more drinks over the course of the night and just stayed with that lot. They moved about a lot. I lost them in the end because I had no idea what was going on and I stayed until Mosh closed. I went home and went to bed. I’m quite proud I got home OK.

I keep getting texts from something called FreeMSG. I didn’t even know the Michael Schenker Group were in prison. I’m thinking of replying because my food has been lacking quite a bit of flavour lately, and I think some free MSG would solve that problem. It is, of course, some sort of thing that makes me sign up to see pictures of women wearing very little but still too much. I don’t want to see a woman’s midriff. I want to see the areas around it i.e. Her aura. I had a text saying “Am I going to hell for watching this?” with nothing else in the text. That is either a clever ploy to get me to text back or someone at the con distribution centre feels guilty for looking at some sort of immoral porn. I think all porn is immoral. Especially the video I saw of a man having sex with a hedgehog*. I’ve never actually seen that, but if I did, it would definitely be immoral. The general rule of thumb I go by when having sex with animals is “Bigger than a radiator, go ahead and penetrate her.”

*In the 16th century, a man could slide into a hedgehog as an anti-rape device. By inverting the hedgehog, the device could be used for women.

I learned that some people think that rape is worse than murder because it’s hard to live as a rape victim. I agree, and so I think anyone who has been raped should be executed. That is logical.

My dream came true today. I finally got to fight a robotic wolf. I’m not sure which one of you arranged that, but I wasn’t expecting it to be 20 feet high with flamethrowers for eyes. I still beat it though. As you can tell, nothing happened to me today in the real world. I beat my wife at a game and now she says she can’t find my toolbox. She’s such a saw loser. Something real that did happen is that I saw my reflection and it scared me – not because I’m hideously ugly, but because it was dark outside, and the curtains had a small gap between, so when I saw myself reflected in the window, I thought there was a bummer coming to have his way with me. It was just me, though.

I did a meal today, but ultimately it was only by accident. Yesterday, I bought some sausage things that I was going to have for dinner, thinking I could just eat them from the packet, but I had to cook them. Luckily I had bought some crisps too so I had them for dinner last night. I needed something to go with the hotdogs so I went and got some cheese and pasta and had that for lunch. I was able to do the hotdogs with the pasta to save washing up. Ace.

I started to illegally download Solidworks today. It’s funny how you can admit to some crimes and nobody minds, but if I said “I did a rape last night”, some people might get angry. That’s why I never write about my rapes on here. Seriously, though, rape isn’t a laughing matter. A close friend of mine was involved in a rape and it certainly wasn’t amusing; he got 10 years in prison. You can tell that’s made up because I haven’t got any friends.

I was listening to jazz albums on YouTube when I came across one by Sonny Rollins. The first track I had heard already because it appeared on GTA IV. I think that means I must have listened to about half the music out there. I’ve only really been listening and remembering music since about 10, maybe, so I reckon by the time I’m about 32 , I will have heard all music. I aim to have heard all sound by the time I’m 40.

I think I could beat a wolf in a fight. I think I could also take on a black bear without making too much of a fool of myself. The bear would probably kill me, but I think I would give it a good fight. I’d wait for it to come at me and then dive out the way and punch it in its kidneys, or at least where I think a bears kidneys would be. That would make it stumble so then I’d punch it in the face a few times but then it would just maul me. If I was fighting the wolf, I think I could take it head on. I would time a punch to the nose as it came at me. A wolf really only has its mouth with which to attack and I think if it bit me and grabbed on like they do on Red Dead Redemption, I could poke it in the eyes or slap it round the face and then kick it. If I had to fight a polar bear, I would probably try to run for some ice and smash it so it could be used as a shiv. I don’t like the thought of some sort of Arctic battle because there’s no cover. It’s even worse when fighting a shark because I’m not a great swimmer and a shark can attack from any angle. There is no way I could fight a shark. I don’t think I’d have much chance against a lion either. I would definitely try to escape from a lion rather than fighting it. I’d quite like to fight a wolf. I would feel bad about killing it if it came to it. If I could fight some sort of robot wolf, that would be ideal.

I cleaned up my floor and did some washing today. Washing powder’s expensive. Not all the sick came off my jeans so I had to wash them the old analogue way in a sink. That wasn’t too bad, but it meant they couldn’t go in the dryer so I had to hang them out my window to dry.

Tuesday happened today. I’m sure that happens every week. I went to see the ludicrous display tonight, but it was cancelled. I had 3 pints and I felt quite drunk. I only had some crisps and a Galaxy for dinner so that could be why. I learned where the vacuum cleaner and laundry room is so I might do some cleaning. My floor is covered in fibres from socks and little bits of tissue and paper.

I actually did something fun at school today. We had to design something to mash up spices. I designed this:

Everyone likes cogs, so you get to see them go round. The three pairs of cogs are for different finenesses of grind, and the whole thing easily disassembles for cleaning. Nice.

I was thinking about the 2012 apocalypse thing and how there might be riots among the fools who believe in it, which may be mistaken by some to be a sign of the apocalypse itself. Self-fulfilling prophecies don’t count. I was also wondering if Nostradamus actually predicted the World would end on 21/12/2012 or if he just predicted it would end on a date with lots of “1”s and “2”s in it or something. Nostradamus was mental anyway. Apparently, he drank people’s blood and was afraid of garlic and crosses. Also, he flew about in space with an alien in him. Some believe the Mayans also predicted the World would end on 21/12/2012 due to the fact their calendar ends then. Modern-day calendar manufacturers have been predicting the end of the World as December the 31st every year for quite some time now. I believe that the World will end tomorrow. You may think that’s a ridiculous claim. It’s even more ridiculous when you consider I’m writing this on Wednesday.

I learned a new expression today. I used to think that when someone had white streaks in their hair, they were said to be “going gay”. I have now learned that the expression is “going grey”. I think I’m going black, because I’ve noticed three black hairs on my arms. I like to check my arms daily to see if I have any hairs of a different colour. I’m always a bit suspicious of non-whites. I feel the same way about non-white hairs. Such an obvious joke yet I still felt the need to say it… because you’re idiots.

Just one day away from Friday the 13th – Saturday the 13th. It wasn’t unlucky for me because I managed to shit out another album today. It’s OK, but I doubt it’ll be winning any BAFTAs. I was reading up about the Beriev Be-2500 plane. It is the largest aircraft ever proposed at 123 metres long. I reckon I could beat that record. I have proposed a plane that is 124 metres long.

Pearsall LA-8100

Thinking about it, I have proposed another plane which looks the same but is 1 mile long. I think my plane should get the award for the largest plane ever proposed. On a side note, it seems like Boeing also use SketchUp to model their planes, as evidenced by this. I know that was made in 2002, but I still think they could have done better.

A nice little entry about planes, there. If this was a real diary, I would be writing about everyone who was ever mean to me and why I was going to take my own life tonight. Don’t worry, I’m bluffing. I think. I reckon I will actually kill myself by eating crisps and Scotch eggs for dinner every night.

You might be hearing some crazy stories about a murder. I had nothing to do with it. I had to do a CV today for my course. It is terrible. It’s virtually empty and the summary is the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever written. The design of it isn’t right either, but I don’t know why. I got to use one of my fonts, though, which is good. I played some more Battlefield today. I got my K/D up to 1.74. If I just stay in the Pantsir, I can get it up to 2 in about three years times when Battlefield 18 comes out.

I didn’t have dinner tonight because I couldn’t be bothered to go out. That may be why I’m not as fat as I should be. I very rarely buy food and not eat it immediately so I don’t eat much. If I want food, I need to go out to get it. It  makes me feel like an old caveman hunter without a fridge who has to hunt a mammoth for food whenever he’s hungry. What will I hunt tomorrow night? Two little baby birds covered in breadcrumbs probably.

I had to get up early because the lecture was at Kedleston Road. I say lecture, but we had to find out what to do by looking on the Web-site and he only came at the end to scan our cards. I haven’t had a proper meal in ages. The last real meal I had was that Indian food. The only hot food since then I’ve had is a kebab and two microwave pizzas. I had some Reggae sauce on them. I’ve had a lot of Scottish eggs for dinner lately, sometimes with a starter of crisps or a dessert of a Galaxy. That’s a nice recipe you can try if you are pathetic.

I went to a lesson today. It was about differentiation and integration, but it was all the basic stuff so I could do it. That’s all I did today. What a waste.

Lots of people have been accused of paedophilia in the news lately. I reckon that it will turn out that everyone has molested a child at some point. I know I have. If there’s hair on the muff, she’s too old. I say “If there’s hair on the head, take her to bed”. Before you start calling me a paedophile, I’ll admit it. No. I mean I’ll deny it. I thought I saw a midget the other day until I realised it was just a child.

Apparently, the World was once flat but it changed when people got better-paying jobs. Money makes the World go round.

We went to the workshop today and made a little toolbox out of metal and wood. Mine has screws coming out and a few odd chamfers where the sander was more powerful that I expected, but I’m still proud. I got a few nicks in my fingers from the sander or the metal or both. I didn’t notice them until I got home and washed my hands.

I had intended to go out with Amy tonight, but then I was invited out by my flatmates. I went out for about 10 minutes before I had to go to get Amy. It cost 1 pound to get in to the Friary so I got 2 Beck’s for a pound each to get the value from the pound. I don’t even like Beck’s, so I don’t know how that can be good value. I had also intended to get dinner (crisps) on the way to get Amy,  but there wasn’t time so I was drinking on an empty stomach, other than the pork pie I had for lunch. I picked up Amy, and by that I mean went to where she lives, and then we went to Mosh. We were quite early, and the top floor just had three groups, one of which I think were the two girls from day two in Derby. I thought that it could be awkward but it wasn’t. I knew all but two of the songs, but I only knew the lyrics to the chorus of most of the songs.  I had about five double vodka and cokes and I wasn’t as drunk as I would have expected. Midway through the night I set myself the challenge of calculating 27 squared. I correctly got to 729. Ace. I learned that Amy smokes. I had a go, but I just embarrassed myself by coughing. We left at 3 and I got some chicken nuggets for Amy and a kebab for me. I didn’t feel like eating it all. I took her home and then went home.

I found a bracelet the other day. It’s only a cheap metal one, though. I can put it with the earring in the collection of jewellery that I have found in Derby. I thought about space today. I wouldn’t like to go to space because I wouldn’t feel secure, but then I imagined myself being in space and looking at Earth floating about in nothing. That’s not secure. As it was Sunday, I did nothing.

I was in bed this morning. For most of the afternoon, I wasn’t. I went out to buy food. I bought a box of chocolate coated flapjacks bites and a box of caramel shortcake bites. They came to 3196 calories. To be fair to me, I did walk to the shop, and that’s pretty much a marathon. It’s at least 100 metres away and by the time I get back, my legs always ache and it takes about half an hour to get my breath back. Joking aside, I do struggle to stop the tap in my room dripping sometimes. Maybe if I ate more food that has at some point been alive, I wouldn’t have trouble tightening a tap.

I saw a question on the Internet “If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?” It’s all stuff like being slimmer or taller or more confident. All shit ideas. If I could change something about myself, I would be able to read thoughts. I think I can already. I sometimes read stuff like “Fuck off”, “He is a massive freak” or “Look at that twat”. The weird thing is, it just sounds like people are saying it. It’s just like when I used to walk home from school past the pond. I could always hear the geese laughing at me.

I got another sausage on the way back from school. It was just a regular one this time. The man in the shop said that I must like them. I don’t know how he remembers me. He must have loads of people in his shop. Maybe he remember me because it was the gayest purchase ever. I knew I shouldn’t have bought that issue of Gayfair with it.

I was going to go out tonight to buy some food, but I was distracted by Battlefield 3. I kept getting lucky with good games so I didn’t want to stop. I got 33 for 5 on a conquest game. I got 10005 points in that game, so I wasn’t just going for kills. That will probably be my best game ever, so I should quit now, but I have to keep playing until I get the achievement for reaching level 45. Then I will never play it again. I want to get the DLC for Metro 2033 because it was a fun game and it would give me a reason to play it again. I could go for the achievement for finding all the ammo, but that would be a chore. I don’t like missable achievements. I also want to get Borderlands 2 and that Dishonored game when it comes out. That looks interesting. It might be bad, though and have stealth achievements. I like games to have stealth as an option, but when it inevitably goes wrong, I want to be able to shoot everyone and still get achievements. Deus Ex has an achievement for not killing anyone. Do I look like a gay?

Nothing really happened today at school. We did a bit about business. It was boring. I bought a garlic sausage on the way home . It was nice and fairly good value, but I couldn’t help but feel a bit gay for eating it. I wonder if gays feel the same self-consciousness when they eat ring doughnuts.