Diary

I did some Tiggernometry in maths today. Last week we did Alzebra. I’ve been clever with the names there. I went out to the Friary and saw the game. The thing with Arsenal is, they always try to Walcott in. I had a pint but it was expensive so I had two double Jägermeister and Red Bulls. I thought I would get drunk but I didn’t. I had a couple of Scotch eggs for dinner before I went out so that might have lined my stomach. The two Scotch eggs are £1.02 from the local Sainsbury’s and about the only thing they have that isn’t ridiculously overpriced. There’s also a litre of lime cordial for 75p that I get. They have a two quiche for £3.50 offer. I think they expect the Sultan of Brunei in there.

Fictionally, someone at the pub said I was growing a beard and I said I was growing it with a moustache in time for for Homovember. Apparently, though, it’s not called that. It’s just Movember. That doesn’t make sense. I thought everyone grew moustaches because they were pretending to be homo. The whole thing is to raise awareness about balls or something so I thought it was something about gay equality. What does mo even mean? It sounds like mow so it would imply you get rid of your moustache if you have one. I’m starting to wonder if the twelfth month isn’t actually called Dickember either.

The April showers lasted quite a while this year. Why do rape victims take so long washing themselves? I do hope April’s OK, because I don’t fancy her chances up in Heaven with Jimmy Saville. I knew Jimmy Saville was in some way evil because if you put an n at the end of his name, it sounds like Jim is a villain, Due to Tuesday, I didn’t do anything today.

I cemented my reputation as a mentalist today. All you have to do is start a game of I spy, and then guess any word what starts with that letter, regardless of whether you can see it or not or even if it starts with the letter the person has said. Do this for several hours. I don’t think anyone in the class really gets irony, though. I said whisk when the letter was “s” and I think they thought I was serious. The problem with irony is that everyone might be doing it. I also had a slowish game of five finger fillet with a scalpel and I didn’t stab myself once. I was really bored today in case you were wondering. During the lecture today, I took some mental notes. I wrote them on the wall in shit.

I got up really late because I had nothing else to do. I decided to use my A2 portfolio as opposed to a plastic bag. A2 is a bit too big though considering I usually fold my paper to A6 so it fits in my pocket. I played Deus Ex until about 3 or 4 and then I listened to music for about an hour. It was music I had made. Nobody else listens to it, so I have to.

I popped down the shop to buy some pasta. Before I had even left the flat, I knew I was just going to buy crisps. I just bought crisps and a Galaxy. Life’s short, especially if you just eat crisps, so make the most of it by just eating crisps. I played Battlefield tonight. That is all.

I went out today. I met some of the people on my course in the pencil shop and they said they were going out later. I looked it up and it said it cost £10 to get in so I had second thoughts but I was just coming up with excuses not to go out. I went out at about 11:30 and got a burger on the way. Some drunk people were trying to guess my name in the burger shop. I had to tell them in the end. I went through the park and got scared because I heard a rustling. I thought it was the wind but I reasoned with myself that it was probably just a ghost so I didn’t get too worried. I met my mates there but they’re not my mates because I don’t even know their names. I was there for about three hours and just had two pints and a Jägermeister. I saw Amy but didn’t bother her.

Then we were all going to go to the after party. Everyone was faffing about so I went on my own through the park. The park is nice because it is quiet and there’s always a chance that something might happen. Getting mugged and raped is an event so I look forward to that. As a man runs away with a knife, I can imagine myself saying “Aren’t you going to rape me?” He’s stolen my knife and doesn’t even have the decency to make love to me. Dickhead.

I got to Walkabout and the queue was too long so I went home. I don’t like going out, so I won’t.

I had a business engineering or something module today. It looks really pointless. Part of it is about identifying weaknesses and strengths. Also, the man was talking about Belbin team roles. I call it applied Zodiac, because it’s all rubbish.

The other day, Stewart, whose name I remember, said he’d only seen me cook bacon so far. I have only cooked bacon so far. I finished my two packs today so I can get something else. I went for a walk today. I was going to go to the pub but the two people I asked didn’t want to come. I bought 1.5 litres of juice. It had a flip cap so it was really hard to drink from without spilling it down myself. Luckily, it was dark so I didn’t think anyone noticed. I needed to wee but I was about 2 miles from home. There was nowhere I could hide to do it so I managed to hold it in without pissing myself. I can honestly say that I have not pissed myself in the last 3 years.

Fifa 13 is out today. I got a special early edition. It’s called Fifa 12 or Fifa 11 or Fifa 10… FIFARTWC98 was the best because if you tackled the goalkeeper while he had the ball, and the ball went in the goal quick enough, it counted as a goal. I only managed to do that once, though.

Had do to some maths today. I learned that 2 apples + 3 apples = 5 apples. That was actually one of the things that came up. It was all fairly simple stuff like brackets and shit. It was boring, but I wish the rest of the course will be like it because it is easy. I sat at the back and wrote rude messages on a calculator with a couple of lads in my class. The best one I came up with was:

1-^gA√E-Y0^r-DAD-A1D5.

I had some banana milkshake for lunch, just like the days of yawn when I had money coming in. Now I’m a poor student. I realised I couldn’t write a sitcom because I don’t know where to start or what it would be about. It would probably have a freak going to an all-girls’ school. That would never happen.

As today is my day off, I stayed in bed until about 2. I don’t have a runny nose today. I only had that cold for one day. I eat mostly crisps and chocolate; I go out at night in light rain without a coat or even long sleeves, and I get no exercise. I really am a modern day Captain Scarlet.  I was going to do bacon but it was all frozen so I popped down the shop and bought some Kit-Kat chunky and some crisps. The crisps were on a buy 1 get 2 free offer. I didn’t even know that existed. I found an earring on the way there and I don’t know what to do with it. If you’ve lost an earring in the Derby area, I’m sure I could think of something you could do to get it back. It would involve my cock. I’ve wasted my day and my whole life. I don’t think I’ll kill myself, but if I do, I’ll be sure to give all you cunts who didn’t buy my book credit in my suicide note.

I’ve been watching Extras and I might try to write a sitcom. It would be like When the Whistle Blows because that is better than Extras itself. I reckon I could write a decent sitcom. I could direct and act in it too. Fuck the product design and music that I was on about a few days ago, I want to be an actor. If I did do a show, I would want to do pretty much every aspect of it. I’ll get working on it.

I was thinking about religion today and how some Christians say that fossils were put here by the Devil to trick us. At least he’s trying. God’s not put any evidence down to make us believe in him, but the Devil’s giving it a go, so well done to him. If I was religious, I would be a Satanist.

I saw a film poster the other day that said “Oscars all round”. I thought “No, Golden Globes are all round.”

Have you noticed how many girls you see holding boys’ hands? I know women are stupid, but are they really that bad that they might get lost?

I had a full day at school. We were told some stuff about product design and then we had about 5 hours to draw our mobile phones. I’ve got an iPhone so it was fairly simple for me. It was really boring, though. I’d rather just draw a landscape or something. With an iPhone, it would have been quicker to learn Solidworks and then model it. I lost my student card today but I found it in a different pocket.

I went out for an Indian meal with Amy today because I liked the Indian meal I had a few months ago. Amy looked even prettier than normal, even though she said she had a cold. I just need to make sure I don’t try to be myself. I had a bit of a cold too. We were meant to go to a club afterwards but she said she was tired because of her cold. I think she just doesn’t like me, but I’d have sex with her given half the chance, and by that, I mean I’d have sex with her as soon as she lets her guard down.

I see a soldier has given birth and is said to be surprised. Probably because she thought she was man. I’ve not done anything today. I did a bit of music for the first time in a while. Watch out Aphex Twin, I’m coming for your job. I’ll have another job as a product designer. If you need any products designing, I’m your man. I can do Web-sites too if you need one. Logos – I can do them. I could knock you up an animated music video if you want, or live-action if you just want me in it for some reason. Flyers, pamphlets, food packets. You name it, I’ll give it a go. For dinner, I had some Krave and some mini Ritz crackers from the welcome box. Ritz crackers are nice. I may actually get some more.

One day I’ll find out what Julie did instead of the 9-5 grind. I watched a bit too much of it today and learnt she likes swimming or something.

I woke up and my ears were ringing. I declined the call and went back to sleep. I got a burger for breakfast, but they didn’t have barbecue sauce. My Mum came today so I didn’t do much until she came at about 5. I wouldn’t have done much anyway. She brought loads of stuff so I can now do cooking. There was a knife in the box and I thought I might try to get a cup out while drunk and cut myself on the knife, but I thought that would never happen. I did a couple of bacon sandwiches for dinner. I’ve tried the seafood diet so now I’m on the B-food diet with bacon and bread and the burger this morning. Time came to wash my wok and I went to get a sponge from the box and cut myself on the knife. Who puts a knife in a box bladeside up? It was no worse than last Saturday when I stabbed myself with a knife playing five-finger-fillet. Luckily, I think I have more blood than normal people. I must have cut myself loads of times and I still have loads left.

I was invited into the kitchen for a few beers, but I declined because it seemed like they didn’t want me there. Then we all went to the Friary. I had a couple of pints to try to catch up. The music was too loud. It’s meant to be a pub. Then a few of us went to Walkabout. I had vodka and Red Bull a few times and I spoke a bit to one of them. Then we went home and I said I would like to try heroin. They tried to convince me not to, but I still would try it.

No school today. I got up at about 12 and milled about for most of the day. I bought about 30 quidsworth of drawing stuff. I bought some French Curves – I got a fat prostitute from Paris. I drew a self-portrait of myself. I look like a heroin addict. I do in the picture too. I’m not as bad at drawing as I thought, but I’m still not great. I had a Foster’s Amber Nectar and a Carlsberg in the kitchen. I just wanted to fit in, but I really don’t. I went out at about 10 to a UV party. It gave me a chance to wear my pink shirt. I thought there would be UV all over the place but we were meant to put some on before. I didn’t even bring a cup to Derby, so I certainly didn’t bring UV paint, but my shirt turned out to be glow in the dark I think. I met Amy there like we had sort of arranged and it was an OK night. Bit loud, though. I walked her home but I still don’t know if she actually likes me.

We lost the egg competition but our design sort of worked. I don’t think the girl likes me, but I’m not positive. I was a bit sad so I went on walk like I do. I bought five bananas on the way in an attempt to eat healthily. After 3 bananas, you decided that bananas aren’t that nice. I ended up about 3 miles away on a bridge over a river. I didn’t want to keep walking because it was a dark lane and I didn’t want to get hit. I cheered up and went home. It made a change from getting drunk.

Started doing a challenge where we needed to protect and deploy an egg from a wire. It made a change to be actually doing something. I got to know a few of the people on the course. I bought some Quorn meatballs from the canteen for lunch. They were nice. We all went back to the workshop for some more hours and then I went home. I had a short nap in the dead time between about 5 and 8.

Then I went out to Walkabout where it had a student disco theme. I didn’t dress up because, even though I’ve only been to a few school discos in primary school, nobody wore uniform. I offered to buy lots of drinks and tried to dance with some girls but they all rejected me.  I saw Andy who is on my course with me. We were both stood their like a couple of gimps for a while. It reminded me of something from a comedy. We went apart. I bought one girl a drink but she had walked off by the time I went back to her. I offered it to another girl. She took it and walked off. I was getting annoyed. I thought I should stay all night, though.

I had gone off somewhere and I saw Amy from Sunday. We spoke for a bit. I bought her about 10 Jägerbombs. Not all at once, though. I walked her home. I didn’t have to because she had loads of friends but I didn’t have any appointments on at 3 in the morning so I thought I may as well go. She said I was like her boyfriend now but I don’t think I am. I got her number, so I can try, but she probably won’t like me when she’s sober.

I went to walk home but I went in completely the wrong direction which always seems to happen when I don’t consult a map. I got on the right track and bought a lamb burger with BBQ sauce. I didn’t even get any sauce on my hands. Excellent.

Episode 2 of Fresher’s Week at Derby: Liam thinks he’s gone to a gay bar.

I had a boring day at “school”. I call it “school” because it is. They pretend we have independence but we don’t. Damn Nazis. My stomach was rumbling all day because I’ve not eaten anything recently, and I felt sick from drinking too much last night. I did have a bacon and egg sandwich for lunch, though. It cost 3 pounds. For that price, I could but a chicken, a pig and windmill. I woke up to a fire alarm. I had a sort of dream thing which said the alarm was a drill, but I think the dream started after the alarm had started but before I had woken up. I stayed in bed, but then I heard a lady say we had to get up so I did, but the alarm stopped before I had got dressed so I went back to bed. A few minutes later, I thought I should check the time. It was gone ten – past the induction. I started panicking but then I thought it didn’t matter because I could turn up any time after 10 and before 12:30 or whenever it was. I cleaned up my sick from the night before. The tours were a bit dull. At one point, we were hearing about injuries incurred in the workshop. Normally, I’m up for a bit of blood and gore, but I felt like shit so I didn’t even want to think about someone cutting their thumb open. Before this, I agnised I had sick all down both arms. Even worse than this, when I was asked to clean up the sick in the second toilet in my flat, I noticed I had sick on my nose. It just looked like freckles though. There is a black chap on the product design course. He was talking to one of the two girls on the course, and he said she wasn’t slim and had a lot of meat on her. Pretty much everyone looked about smiling thinking about how tactless he was. The girl’s not even fat. I’d.

I was writing yesterday’s diary when I was asked if I wanted to go to the pub to watch the football. I went along because I felt anti-social about not going yesterday. I had some curly fries because I didn’t want to drink on an empty stomach. I had two Strongbows and then a Guinness. The Guinness was just to impress my new mates. I also showed them I carried a knife. They must think I’m a mentalist. We played pool. I lost with two balls on the table – not bad considering I’d only played once before on the first of March. At before 12, the guys said they were going home. I said they should stay out because it was Fresher’s week. They went home and I walked towards the city centre to find a club.

I found a club. I asked the man at the door when it shuts and he said it varied, so I just went in. There were a lot of men in there and I thought it might be gay bar. I went up to a couple of girls and asked to buy their drinks. I bought one the wrong drink. I was talking to one and she revealed that the two of them were girlfriends, and they didn’t even go to uni. I said my name was Liam because that’s just easier. I did that yesterday too. Why don’ I just try to go for other Freshers? Because I can’t tell the difference between a 12-year-old and a 22-year-old. I thought that it was pretty funny that I had tried to get off with some lesbians so I stayed. I partially hoped they were bi. Some man smiled at me. I was fairly sure it was a gaybar. One of the lesbos had a Freddie Mercury quote on her shirt, which really made me think it was a gaybar. had  I was really hoping it was, because that is funny, but a bit later some women came in with men so maybe it wasn’t. The lezzas said they were leaving and I asked half-jokingly if I could come but they ignored me. I think a lot of men had bought the drinks because I was sitting at the table with a Dissaronno and coke, a white wine and part of another sweet drinks. I had bought the white wine and the Disaronno. I also picked up some sort of discount cards. I will look at them when sober to see if they are discount cards or just advertising. The toilet attendant was speaking to someone in the cubicle who was pissing and had the door open. He said he wanted to meet more women. I said that this was the men’s toilet so he should go next door if he wanted to meet women. You had to be there. I went home and wrote this, all while drunk. What do I want? A medal? No. A girlfriend.

My ears are still ringing from yesterday. I already had a bit of tinnitus. Of all maladies, tinnitus seems pretty bearable. I went to some lectures and stuff today. I entered the lecture hall and there were about 30 people in there. I said hello really loudly and only one person replied. Apparently, there are going to be essays on this course. Essays aren’t products, so why do I have to do them. It would be much better if they just said that we had to design a lamp or new toilet and let us get on with it. I would try to make a quieter toilet or a vertical neon lamp with minimalist casing. I just came up with that off the top of my head. I haven’t been saving that idea up. The man said we should practice drawing. I drew a picture of a man, and although it was shit, it was the best picture I have ever done. I would be very surprised if I end university and say to myself “I had fun these past three years and I also got a degree.” I am more likely to say “What a waste of 22 years.”

I went to another party tonight. I spoke to a few girls but none of them looked like they were interested. I stayed all night, though, but I did sit down because my legs were aching.

That was written before I went out as a prediction of what would happen. I wasn’t far wrong. My flatmates invited me down to the off-license. I bought four cans of pear Strongbow. I had a couple and then I was invited down the pub to watch the footie. All I know about football is Arsenal and the the thing about them. I said I was probably going to a club or something but I said I might pop in later. I took the third can and drank it on the way to a club like an alcoholic. I saw the pub my mates were in so I tried to get in but I couldn’t because my ID had expired, so I continued to the club thing. It hadn’t opened even though it said it would, so I went home intending to go out later. I had the fourth can and I was quite drunk already. I waited a bit and then went out again. On the way, a man asked for some money. I said I didn’t have any change, because I didn’t. He said he’d accept notes or American Express. I told him I had an American Express and he laughed. He seemed alright for a beggar. A little further on, I was giving a wristband for Viva so I thought I’d go there. I saw a place called Fever and then looked at the wristband so I went in there. I got a Strongbow and a free shot. I spotted a couple of honeys and offered my shot to one of them. She was a bit fat but not bad. The other one was slightly black but good. They were second years.  I danced with them. Then we went to Mosh and I had another Strongbow and a shot because you got a free shot. At the bar the said they had boyfriends. I stayed because I thought it might be a test and I hoped they might cheat for* me. A while later, I was describing where St Christopher’s Court was to a taxi driver. I had no idea. I ended up at home and was sick in both bathrooms. What an amateur. I only cleaned it up tomorrow after “school”.

* Is that the right preposition? No? I don’t care.

Before yesterday, I would have been a pessimist, but now I’m just a realist.

I learnt a bit about how to be a DJ yesterday:

• Firstly, you have to get a classic track with some rapping over it. If it’s about putting one’s hands up, that’s excellent. People like putting their hands up. It makes them feel like a wild west bandit, shooting upwards because he’s found the gold.
• Emphasise the bass so you can’t really hear much else, and what you can hear is heavily distorted. Don’t play it quietly because then people will talk to one another and one person might suggest going to a pub.
• Sing over the bits you know. Don’t worry about timing or pitch. The person who recorded the track originally probably got that wrong anyway.
• Play an air horn completely out of time over the top. Only do it once because even you realise it’s shit.
• Make an important announcement but start it as if it is just you talking to the crowd. For example: “Does anyone hear know anybody who’s not in the room? What I need you to do is please go to reception because there’s someone out there who doesn’t even know his name. He’s really not well.”
• Don’t try to blend the tracks together seamlessly, just start one as one nears the end, or play a random noise between two tracks. The complete disregard for DJ conventions is known as DJazz – The D stands for dick.

Popped up to Derby today and met my flatmates. They seem alright. I thought I was going to go out with them but none of them wanted to so I strolled up to some event or something. The night was like the Inbetweeners with shit music. They accepted my ID, which was good. It cost five pounds to get in, but drinks were 2 pounds. I saw a girl go up to the bar and so I offered to buy her a drink she looked surprised. She was cute and she started to like me, so I thought I might get to kiss her. Some of her friends were there. We were all dancing about and I thought I was enjoying myself. I bought her another drink and squeezed her bum to get her attention on the way back. She looked a bit creeped out. I think she switched places with her friend to get away from me, but I wasn’t certain. Then she and her friends went. I thought they were just powdering their noses or something, but after an hour or so I decided they weren’t coming back. Her name’s Amy and she’s doing psychology and she’s a little cocktease. She’s not really a cocktease; she just found out what a dick I was. After a bit of watching a giant cunt covered in Christmas tree lights called Globot, some girl came and told me to cheer up. I smiled but I wasn’t happy. I touched another girls bum hoping she would think it was just where I was dancing but she moved away. Then she moved back near me accidentally, saw me, and then looked at her friends as if to say “For fuck sake”. Some other girls came near and I thought I could move in there, but then one of them pulled a boy close so I just thought “Fuck it” and left.

I went home through the park with no lights, with a heavy ringing in my ears. I thought today would be the day that my luck changes, but my problem isn’t a lack of luck; it’s a lack of charisma, a decent appearance, confidence and everything else. I had a sit on a bench. That’s all I seem to do nowadays.

I got a 21 streak on Battlefield 3. I was on the map Operation Métro doing a Conquest. I was in on the track and I could see the bottom of some escalators and medics kept trying to resurrect the dead but I just killed them. That’s why I say multiplayer video games are luck – not only luck when it comes to the situations in the game, but also who you are up against. You could have the greatest stats ever if you only played against five-year-olds.

A spider kept running across the floor when I was playing the game. It was really distracting. He was quite a big one. When my cousins came, they found something on the balcony which flicked up when you threw it onto the ground. I was playing with it and I threw it and it bounced and went out the window. You had to be there.

I made a new album today. It is ambient. It is OK.

I started thinking about what I would need at Derby. I’ve got all the basics covered, like a pen, but I don’t really know what else I’ll need. I think I should get some ID at some point, but I don’t think I’ll be getting invited to the pub by anyone ever. This is going to be like the Inbetweeners with amazing music. That’s how Fresher the Musical has been described. I am going to hate the next three or four years. It’s going to be just like the last nineteen years.

I think I saw a spider drinking today. It put its front hands up to his mouth after putting them in some condensation. Then it looked like it was licking the condensation. My Nan has an outside toilet and there are about 50 Daddy Long Legs in there. If spiders had a harem, that room would be it. It would have to be a harem for a gay spider though, because there aren’t any Mummy Long Legs in there. All of them are in my personal harem. Long legs turn me on. I like to get lots of them in a specially constructed box and then put my penis into that box and then agitate the box so I feel all the spiders crawling over my cock and putting their legs in my George Takei (rhyming slang). Imagine how bad it would be if you passed wind when your penis was inside that box. Passing wind causes the penis to act as a vacuum, so imagine sucking several spiders into your cock. The pleasure of the spiders stimulating you internally would certainly evoke ejaculation. It would come out all spidery and weird. I wonder if I’ll mature at all at university. I definitely won’t.

I woke up to a text saying someone would be coming in 5 minutes. I had no idea what it was about because I was tired. It was Rob. I haven’t got his name in my phone so it just comes up as his number. Rob came before I’d even had a chance to finish urinating and we played Halo 3. It was still fun after all this time. He said he had to go to have sex with his girlfriend but I said they could have sex here. She came but I didn’t get to watch them. After beating them both at PGR, we played Pass the Pigs. It is shit so we didn’t even finish it. Then we played Scrabble with cards. I won that too, obviously. They left soon after, maybe out of shame, or maybe because they had a train to catch. They’d need big gloves to catch a train. It was good because I got to pretend I had friends. I’m not sure I want a girlfriend as much now considering all the effort you have to put in. Having a girlfriend looks like having a Tamagotchi. I had a Tamagotchi once but I lost it in a playground when I was on a climbing frame. If I do ever get a girlfriend, a playground is probably where I would find her.

Last night, I was trying to have a sentence with as many homonyms in a row as possible without using the word as the word itself, as is done in the “had had…” example. I didn’t realise it had already been done with Buffalo. Mine is much much much better, though:

The Mops mops mops Mops mops; Mops mops, Mops Midas and Mops trevori are all mopped by Mops mops.

Mops mops, Mops Midas and Mope Trevori are all Latin name for bats. Mine is easier to understand than the Buffalo example, but I don’t know how Mops is properly pronounced so they may not be actual homonyms. Mine also uses a semicolon which is cheating somewhat, and I’m not sure if Latin names are permitted. I set this challenge for myself, so I can say they are.  The first one I came up is an aviary variety of the saying dog eat dog, swallow swallow swallow. I’ve never seen a dog eat another.

I had a busy day today. My Mum said I should arrange an overdraft with my bank so I went down to Barclays to do so. I also needed to cancel a direct debit which came with my computer so I thought I could do that too. I spoke to a man and he said I needed my card to get an overdraft. I had my number which wasn’t enough, but it was good enough to get the direct debit gone, which is good. I said it was a warranty for my laptop and he tried to sell me insurance for my laptop and phone. I said I’d think about it, but insurance is a mug’s game. He also tried to sell me a Barclay’s Card. I’ve got my debit card so I don’t need a Barclay’s Card.

I went to my Nan’s. I went up a ladder to cut some creeper down because it was wrapped around the washing line. Then I went up the same ladder to clear out the gutter. I didn’t like it up there because I could see the ladder bend a bit.

I saw a flash today. That’s happened a couple of times before. It’s as if the lights have gone off then on really quickly. I just think I’m imagining it or I’ve blinked without realising it.

I was enrolling in my modules for Derby today. It recommended I take six so I took the only six that were on offer. They are shit topics. The first five of which I already did to some degree on my engineering thing, and that was boring and too vague to be actually helpful. The next four years are going to be a massive waste, and I’ve already got a massive waist. Wordplay.

I can’t remember ever being to the doctors for an ailment. I’ve been for flu jabs and asthma check-up, but nothing proper, which is surprising considering I should have diabetes or culinary artery disease considering all the culin I eat. I had three burgers for dinner today. That’s not healthy.

I’m not racist. I hate all black people, whether they are fast or not.

I’ve been having lots of dreams set on the Isle of Wight lately. I think I am subconciously missing it. I’m certainly missing having an income. I had to pay for a year’s rent in halls the other day. £3,500 or so just gone. What a waste. I’m a bit worried beacuse the student loans people haven’t got back to me. I sent my passport ages ago and they said it was out of date so it didn’t count. All I needed it for was to prove my date of birth, place of birth and something else. My birth certificate is much older so I don’t know why that hasn’t expired yet. I didn’t send that off because I needed to get something signed by someone, and I don’t know anyone. I just decided to not send anything, which it said might prolong the application. As a protest against the expiry of passports, I’m no longer going to obey laws that are older than 10 years, because they are no longer valid since I arbitrarily decided so.

I found a picture I had drawn when I was younger – I would say probably about 13. I think I must have been sexually assaulted by this man and this was my drawing to the police.

Me in 10 years

Some people came round today and my Mum did a roast dinner. It was OK because the meat had been cooked a while so you could suck it right down. Yorkshire puddings are my favourite part of a roast dinner. After dinner, my little cousin asked me to get the Xbox out so I did. He and sister played Viva Piñata 2. They only have the first one so I lent them it. I am kind like that. I had four cans of pear cider. I had a headache by the end of the night, but I had woken up with a headache which had gone during the day, so I don’t know if it was the alcohol or not. I don’t think it would have helped.

I played gome GTA IV before I went to bed. I remember the 29th and 30th of April when I took time off school on a holiday to Liberty City. I did my non-fiction English coursework on my playthough of GTA IV. My fiction coursework was a fake account of my life ending with a prediction of how I would die in a shootout. I had to take out a paragraph about how I had a nine-year-old boyfriend. It’s a shame I can’t find that coursework because it might have been funny. I’ve still got my art coursework. Part of which can be seen here. I got an A for that, but a C overall. Fair enough.