Diary

My Mum came round this weekend to make sure I hadn’t gone mental. If I have, I am hiding it from everyone very well. I am either mentally ill or God, but definitely the latter. Social etiquette says I should be humble and not fly about on pigs or whatever God does. I don’t get the difference between social etiquette and peer pressure. Social etiquette is the same as peer pressure except its the old people telling you what to do. Peer pressure is just seagulls on the promenade anyway. I’m going to create a new thing where you act like a child would want you to behave. I have created it now and I am doing that. I will call it fun. I should point out that I don’t actually think I am God – I think I am in the Truman Show but not even as the main character. I am the dog off the Truman Show.

I had a shower yesterday but still didn’t manage to get off all the sticky stuff they use to fix those monitor nipples all over you. I like having showers because afterwards I get to wrap a towel around my waist and pretend I am wearing a skirt, but I don’t have to have the stigma of actually wearing a skirt.

I am going to do a give blood soon because it makes me like Jesus who put his blood in wine. Have you noticed how Minecraft Emerald are only in the extreme hills? That is like the emerald hill zone. I have a lot of good points to make but nobody is ever around for my best points.

Why do companies restrict your password so it has to have letters and numbers? Surely by restricting the passwords to within variables, they are making it less secure. I went hospital yesterday because I had a jam jar stuck up my bum. The reality is that I had an allergy to chicken, which is even stranger really, almost as if I made my chicken allergy up just to sound interesting. I have decided to take up lying because it’s funnier in the end. Also, I know I am God so every lie I come up with is actually true. Well done to me. Pat on the head. I have also realised that any mistakes I made can be forgiven because I am just a child. The oldest man is 207 and is Chinese and lives up a mountain. He will be happy to get a namecheck. I’m not sure why I am writing this, because I think that as many people will hear it as if I just think it. It is hard being God because you know that everything you do is important, but nothing is truly important because you can go back and change it. I don’t like thinking about it too much. I want something to convince me that I am just human but I don’t think that’s possible. I’ve been fucking about at uni a lot more and have been going about helping others, or at least trying to help.

In other news, I am doing my diary better now by only writing if I have something to say. It is better that way because chaos is just an order you don’t understand.

Back when I was on the acid, I asked a woman how to get to the coach station and she pointed right at the church and then did spiral to show that it was behind the church. It was amazing. Also, I sent an e-mail to all the girls I used to go to school with. I’m surprised you didn’t hear about that. Maybe you did and you just forgot.

What is a Thai bride? A wife you have round your neck. They are always round your neck if they are a scarf.

I have been noticing glitches in games a lot more and some of them aren’t even possible. Also I had some weird dreams. I dreamt that I was in Leeds and had some acid and I dreamt that I was sad. If you are reading this, which I know you are, never worry again. Everything is fine and always will be. People have been telling me that forever and I just never listened. You should trust me, though, because I am a dragon with an hat on. Good work. Keep it up. Pat on the head. 3 gold stars. I am a God so powerful that if I imagine something it is true, but because I am so intelligent, anything I can imagine seems so trivial to me that I can only understand it as a concept. I just imagined a dragon with a hat on. I understand that as a concept but can’t yet  truly realise it because reality is a God with which I am currently interacting. Long story short, God is a proper dickhead. Also, people never die forever. That sounds terrible becaquse eventually you would get bored, but there is nothing to fear but toast itself. I think that’s how I heard it. George Cloomeys kept looking at me in the film. Maybe it was a mirror. Anyway, get some sleep, but always wake.

I thought I should go a few days ahead so I know what will happen. Today, I got off with a lady and I’m not even messing. I did proper kissing on her. I hope so anyway.

How I am supposed to know what is going to happen tomorrow, dickhead? I skipped yesterday/today because a terrible thing happened. I cast off my cumbersome robes. I didn’t actually, apart from when I did a shower. Imagine if instead of the water coming out the shower, you went into the shower.

Imagine how much you would laugh if everything written here was true. The funniest joke is the most ridiculous, because there is a chance that it could be true. Why is it always on toast. If you are reading about this and worrying about my mental health, it is just a joke. I am the same as always.

I took some drugs at some point. I think that being born is a drug and it doesn’t kick in until you are as old as I am, but I don’t know what being born is because I don’t remember it. The only things drugs do is make you experience things differently, and things can be experienced differently if you just look at them from a different view. What I am saying is, if you look behind the back of the TV, there are drugs there. Only joking. I think I saw who I think Rob is, but maybe he is just Edward Benjamin wearing a mask. Edward Benjamin is my new friends I invented, but he is real in so many ways. Only joking. I turned up to Rob’s drunk like an idiot.

Today I met Oliver Cromwell from off of history. We played pinball and then went to get hotdogs, but just as friends. Then I went to bed and it was all reality.

Hello. It’s quite hard to write this in space, which is where I am. I have been up here for years and it is really hard to hold my breath for this long. I have been watching you from space, and you don’t even know it. I saw that embarrassing thing you did. Yes, I am talking to you. Only joking. I haven’t been to space yet, but it would be funny if I had been.

Hello. I did some washing today. I didn’t have a 20p for the 20p of the dryer costs so I thought I was going to have to pay it with a pound and not get change, but at the last minute before I left room, I lifted up my mug and lo and behold if there wasn’t a 20p under there. I have never been so happy to find 20p, apart from the time I was held at gunpoint and the man said that if I didn’t find 20p he would shoot me.

I went down the workshop and did work. Then I went home because that is where I go in the evenings. Then I got a text from my new best bfff friend Phil and so I went to his. I had a Kopparberg and a Cactus Jacks and then we went out. It was alright but then I was sick a little bit so I decided I should go home. I decided to get a taxi. I think the taxi driver looked like the baddie from Crocodile Dundee, but I might just be remembering the baddie from Crocodile Dundee. Bye bye.

Hello. I did a drunk today and went to lectures. I got up early because I went to bed early last night and thought it would be a funny idea to finish my sidekicks and then go do education. It was funny. Also, I bet looked really cool being drunk during the day. I probably looked like the Terminator or Will Smith. Then I went to the shop and got some more fruity ciders, which I maintain were just squash and not alcohol. That is in case one of my lecturers reads this. If someone who isn’t one of my lecturers reads this, I was well pissed, but not pissed enough to not do pro stealth to avoid Dan the lecturer seeing me with my cider. It is weird how you call lecturers by their first name because it humanises them even though they are probably just robots. This morning while playing The Ball, which makes a change from playing with my balls (ahahaha), I noticed that I had work due in today so I intended to do work but I really couldn’t be bothered and I just went home. When I got back, I was too tired to properly finish my work so I did another funny conclusion about how banks have no ethical values and then went to bed. It was only about 6.

I woke up this morning and my leg really ached. It felt like I had done a marathon in my dream, but only with my left leg, so maybe I hopped it. I hopped my way to my old computer to finish the work due in today. I did a good conclusion to it. In conclusion, the part should be made into one lump. It will be more expensive to make, but it is worth it to stop the part getting stressed and being bent.  I got asked for ID down at the shop today. I didn’t have it but she let me off because she definitely fancied me, which makes her a paedophile because she thought I was under 18. I bought a couple of sidekicks but I only had about half and then went to bed.

One of my flatmate’s parents and sister came round. The sister definitely fancied me. I could tell by the looks she was giving me. I bet she dreamt tonight about me doing her and had a big wank over it. It was a shame she was only about 12, or I would have definitely made my move. My move is hand over mouth and then drag to room.  Because I am such a nice man, I wait until a girl is 16 before I rape her. I see in the human news they are thinking of lowering the age of consent to 15. If I am being honest, if a 15-year-old was prepared to have sex with me, I probably would. That is the fault of everyone 16 and over who doesn’t want to have sex with me. If you are over 16 and don’t want to have sex with me, you have essentially raped a child. David Cameron is pretending that he thinks lowering the age of consent to 15 is a bad idea, but he is only saying that because he actually thinks it is a good idea because his real name is David Cameroon and he thinks he can get rid of his AIDS if he makes love with a baby. He got AIDS from having sex with his son after he died. I hope David Cameroon reads this and cries about his dead son and then kills himself. David Cameroon is the only person who I would happy to see die as a result of this blog. In fact, I am starting a campaign to make David Cameroon kill himself. This is so I can pretend to be a political comedian. Palestine VS Israel? Sort it out benders. That is political.

I stayed up playing a Half Life 2 so I didn’t have to play Zero Life which I have been playing for quite some time.

Why does Stephen Fry have a day named after him and I don’t? I suppose I have Lydunsday, so I should stop complaining. I asked some people if they wanted to go out with me tonight but they all said no. I should definitely kill myself. The bouncer at Mosh said I should get some actual ID so I don’t want to go there until I do. I have a form to get a CitizenCard, but I need to get some photos for it and get it signed by one of my lecturers. I hate photos because I never know what face to do. My normal face is just a skull so if you ever see me with skin on my face I am do extra effort to not be a skull.

Why does Thor have a day named after him and I don’t? I am miles better than Thor because I actually exist. What’s Thor’s weapon? It’s a hammer. I thought he was meant to be a god, not a carpenter. There’s already a carpenter God (which is Jesus remember). Thor’s name is even another carpentry implement pronounced by someone with a lisp, which makes him the only god named after a tool, apart from maybe the Hindu god Shaver. Nobody even knew about Thor until that biopic came out recently. I bet he funded that himself just for publicity.  From now on, Thursday shall be called Lydunsday because I deserve a day more than he does.

I bought 2 Sidekicks on the way home. I got Robin and another one. I thought they would help me stay focused on my work and they did up until the point I got tired and went to bed at 8 again. I had one and a bit and 2 Kopparbergs which I bought yesterday but went to bed before I got to drink them.

I released my new album Federation Automaton. It’s alright. I got the results back for a thing I did. I got 62%, which is good for me. I stayed until quite late at the university but I didn’t do any work because there are people there and I get excited around people so I was just messing about. When I got home, I had intended to do some work but because I hadn’t slept since Sunday evening, I just went to bed at about 8.

My lips weren’t dry and cracked which was a pleasant surprise. I had a knock on my door and was handed a piece of paper that said my window had condensation on it. It didn’t even have condensation on it. I think it probably just had rain on it which looks like condensation.

AIDS SPECIAL: I know AIDS isn’t a great subject for comedy, but I feel I can joke about it because what I have is much worse than AIDS. I have a face and personality which means I will never have the chance to catch AIDS. Even if I shoot up heroin, which is probably how my life is headed, I would need to have a friend to share needles with. I wish I had AIDS. At least then I would be dead soon. Anyway, I’ve been researching AIDS because I want to get as a job as one. Ideally I’d be in a lesbian so I get to see her kissing and doing stuff with women. I came across a great site with funny posters about AIDS. They’re not meant to be funny, so that’s why I’ve had to take a wry look at them. Saying that, the first one is already funny… I do feel bad that I find it amusing, but I think it’s the surprise element combined with the inappropriateness that I like. The second poster riles me up. Do you remember the good old days when AIDS was just for the white man? Nowadays, everyone in Africa seems to have it. Damn black men stealing our disease. Some people think AIDSmen shouldn’t be allowed to do jobs because they might spread the disease. I think that is a fair point because you wouldn’t be happy if someone was walking about with a big bowl of anthrax in their pocket. It is exactly the same thing.

Today, I learned about sperm washing, where people wash the HIV (HIV is AIDS’ mum and dad I think) off some sperm so it can go in a woman. Imagine how small a sponge you would need for that.

In non AIDS-related news, I made a neat 23p on Steam today by selling all of my trading card doubles. Because this is the AIDS special, I will donate that money to someone with AIDS, probably a Nigerian prostitute in exchange for a handjob, but nothing more.

Despite the AIDS special, I still don’t properly know the difference between AIDS and HIV.

I was on the old drugs tonight. I had about 3ml of GHB and probably 50mg of mephedrone. Despite the tiny amount consumed, I felt wonderful.

Hello. I completed Call of Juarez Gunslinger today. I also bought it today, along with Far Cry 3 Blood Dragon – £10 for the both. CoJG (Call of Juarez Gunslinger, obviously. What did you think it meant – Cake on Jump God? That doesn’t even make sense, you idiot.), is worth a play. It’s nothing special, but if you can get it for cheap, it is an amusing western romp. I shouldn’t really be playing games at the moment because I have an assignment due in on Friday and I am slightly worried that I have only written a few words. What makes it worse is that if I do this work well, which I suppose is plausible, I will get a degree and so I’ll have to do work like this until I retire. That’s why I won’t be too fussed if I fail this course – it will give me more chance to pursue my lifelong dreams of being either a Wild West gunslinger or a robosolider. In a way, I already am. Life is just a video game you can’t pause. If life was a videogame, childhood and university would be the tutorial level – which is ridiculous considering it probably takes up about a quarter of the game of life.

I got a couple of pizzas today, and I spoke to a girl in the shop. She sneezed and I said bless you and she said thank you. One of my pizzas was a traditional BBQ Meat Orgy and the other had supreme in its name, but I can assure you it was by no means supreme. I liked that pizza the other day that had peppers or some other rubbish on it, so I went wild and bought one with all sorts of garden tat on it. I hadn’t realised just how vegetable heavy it would be until I opened the box and was faced with what can only be described as some shit on a pizza. I wasn’t looking forward to it, but I was pleasantly surprise because it was alright, and I had the added feeling of accomplishment after eating some vegetables. That is how pathetic my life is; I think eating some vegetables is enough of an event to write in a diary.

I saw the most depressing thing in the World today- a single unused staple. It’s yet to fulfil its purpose, but it will never be able to due to its isolation from the rest of its group. The only possible uses for a stray unused straple would be as ant goalposts or possibly as square brackets if you didn’t have a pen.

Does moving one’s hand up and down when holding something actually help in the deducing the weight of it? Why do people do it? Maybe they think their arms are joined like an old pair of scales so they can compare the weight to some air. People don’t do stuff like that with other things. If a girl asked you how she looked, you wouldn’t rock back and forth to see her better, would you? Similarly, I’ve never once been asked to taste something and had to move my tongue in and out like a lizard to taste it better. You should just use a set of scales anyway.

I went to an aluminium factory where they extrude aluminium shapes. The man doing the tour said he had worked there for 17 years. I really don’t know how that’s possible, because after only half an hour in there, I was contemplating killing myself. It was very boring. Especially the bit where we were given earplugs to block out the sound of industry, but also had to listen to the man giving the talk. There was an old midget lady working there. I don’t think she was actually a midget, but she was really short. She was a bit like a Smurf. Imagine getting sucked off by a Smurf… We got some free stuff and in our notepad I drew a poster for a film called Alien Breakdance, but I put it down for the tour and I couldn’t find it when I got back. I like the idea that they collected that up and will give it out to someone else on another tour who will look at it, possibly smile, and then just get very confused. I kept hold of the free pen, though. A pen is mightier than the worth of a thousand swords.

After the trip to the box factory that was BOAL, we all hopped on the coach and went to the Rolls Royce museum, which was moderately interesting but would have been better if we got to go round at our own pace without some man talking about plane engines. All plane engines look alike, and that’s not racist because they weren’t even Chinese engines. The best bit was the end where they had lots of old electrical equipment, which I think is interesting. I have an oscilloscope. From the museum, I decided to walk home because there was a bit of traffic so I thought it would be faster. It probably wasn’t, but at least I got some exercise. 2 miles walking counts as exercise if you are fat. I’m not even fat so shut up.

I have to set up some sort of sales Website for one of my Mum’s friends. I think I may have bitten of more than I can chew, or been force fed more than I can chew. I would rather be out frocklicking in a field with a Bambi than here doing a Web-site for someone. At least I got to set up a company with PayPal as a placeholder. I am now the Executive CEO of Vice Assistant Directing Manager of Megacool Industries. We draw pictures for films and TV that look like children have drawn them. Often, a child won’t be able to produce a convincing child-like drawing, so that’s when you need the professionals like us here are Megacool Enterprises.

I bought some sweets called blue balls which made my tongue go all blue so it looked like I had been sucking off Papa Smurf. It also made my poo go blue so it looked like I had swallowed all of Papa Smurf’s blue jizz when he came in my mouth. It would be hard to fellate a Smurf without getting the whole Smurf in your mouth. Does that count? If it does, that means that you have done oral sex on any insects that have been in your mouth. Also, they’ve probably died in there so if you’ve ever had an insect in your mouth, you’ve done necrophilic bestiality, you sicko. The other thing with the Smurfs and oral sex is that if one were to suck your cock*, it would be like a baby on a nipple. Because I am a massive child molester, that would turn me on, but unfortunately my penis is small even by Smurf standards so it would be like a baby sucking on a molecule of air. That is a to-scale description of what it would be like.

*I hope one day Smurfette will do it to me because I love her.