Diary

My girlfriend went cave diving the other day. I thought it was like muff diving but with really loose women.

I was asked to stop eating my food to save a girl who was giving a blowjob. “Save that fellater.”

I changed my SIM so I’ve lost all the numbers on my phone. I’ve still got the star and hash key, though.

I’ve had to paperbag a few girls in my time. They weren’t ugly; it’s just easier than wearing a balaclava.

If you can’t afford a duvet, just pretend your duvet cover is a sleeping bag.

I was thinking about how when I was younger, whenever something was definite, I would think to myself “I bet my life on it.” One time, the thing I bet on with myself wasn’t as clear-cut as it should have been and I wondered if I would actually kill myself if I lost. It would feel like I was cheating myself if I didn’t do it. I’m not sure if I could live with myself after reneging on a bet. I decided that I had won my life several times over on all the times I had bet it so I wouldn’t have to kill myself.

I came way back home today from my Dad’s today after the usual sausage, chips and beans of a Friday at my Nan’s. That’s one of my favourite meals. You can keep your caviar and gold-plated steak; I’ll stick to sausages please.

I fixed up my Dad’s tape player to his amp and speakers. I had to wire a plug so I felt plug pride. I also had a go at some record scratching on Metallica. It didn’t really work because I didn’t have a slipmat. We tried to use one of those little things that are used to stop symbols rattling but that didn’t help. I’ll stick to my computer music. I can be bad at that without having to stand up.

I heard about Isaac Asimov today. What I didn’t know was that he was gay and his Pakistani boyfriend was called Asim.

I was tempted to try cannabis today, but I didn’t because cannabis is a can of piss and drinking piss is bad for you.

I was doing some cryptic clues to my Dad in the style of Rockbusters except they weren’t as bad. He kept talking to me while I was trying to think of clues and the Simpsons was on at the same time. I couldn’t focus on any of it. Luckily it was just a conversation where I could nod and say yes. It was essentially just a monologue. We watched a bit of Sex Pistols live. John Lydon is such a wanker. I wish I was called James after Aphex Twin or Eno. Eno Hlallu From Morrowind is called Eno and he’s done alright for himself. I wish Morrowind was real life.

My Dad asked me the awkward question today that I’m sure every father asks their son: who do I think about when I’m masturbating. I couldn’t bring myself to admit that I thought about him. I managed to avoid the question by saying I didn’t watch much TV or film. He said I don’t look at girls much. Yesterday, there were some girls younger than me in shorts standing about and he kept saying that they were prostitutes and judging them by their legs. I don’t get all that. Just looking is pointless. I would only ever leer at a girl in the street if I was assessing whether or not to rape her. I would of course always decide not to because rape is in most cases wrong.

I was looking at my cabinet beside my bed at some of the books here. I found an interesting little book called entitled Tips & Wrinkles (Pan Books LTD, first published 1972, ISBN:4), filled with some terrible tips. I was going to choose three at random, but thee three I chose seemed quite reasonable. Here are some of the weaker ideas:

Turn oddments of bread including crusts into crumbs and freeze plain or with the addition of grated cheese for instant savoury toppings.

Bread, as crumbs or otherwise, will never be a topping. I’ve never had a sandwich and thought “You know that this needs – more bread.” Bread is just means to an end. If bread was special, people wouldn’t feed it to birds.

House plants appear to thrive more readily when grouped together.

So they have no room to grow and they are struggling for light. Bullshit.There’s no reason that could be true. House plants appear to enjoy rooms painted green because it makes them feel at home. House plants appear not to like the smell of cooked chicken. House plants appear to be really grumpy on Mondays. House plants appear to grow better in a jazz household. Rubbish.

Cooking foil makes an attractive cover to protect your dining table for a children’s party.

No it doesn’t. Use it all the time if it’s so attractive. Don’t spend money on rings, just wrap some cooking foil round your fingers; it’s attractive. Paperclips make attractive earrings. Cooking foil is attractive only if you’re a magpie.

If windscreen wipers have “packed up”, wipe the glass outside with a slice of raw potato. This will keep the windscren clear of rain for a while.

And covered in potato stains. To avoid having birds shit on your car, don’t wipe your car with food. If your indicators are broken, throw a potato out the window in the direction you are turning. If your brakes aren’t working, just toss a potato under your wheels when you want to stop. If your car won’t start, drive to work in a massive potato.

The real highlight of the book is the last chapter called By hook or by Crook…, with advice for disabled people. I feel a better title would have been Tips for Crips.

A child’s push-chair with basket fixed in the seat makes a good combined shopping trolley and walking aid.[…]

And makes you look like a fucking mentalist when people look at you taking some shopping out for a walk in the pram. If you are physically disabled, you’re already suspected of having a mental disability; don’t confirm that by walking about with a push-chair with no child in it. It either looks like you’ve lost your child, or that you intend to come back with one which isn’t yours.

For anyone who has lost the ability to speak and finds writing difficult, place the letters of a Scrabble game on a tray and the patient can make his wants known. […]

This may seem like a good idea, but they’ll be trying to use Q in every sentence to get 10 points.

Those unable to get to the kitchen get much pleasure in being able to make their own tea or coffee when they want it; a thermos of very hot water together with jars of instant coffee, teabags, sugar, small jug of milk (or instant powdered milk), tin of biscuits, cup, saucer and spoon grouped together on a small table beside the chair give a great feeling of independence.

And a great feeling like you’re sitting in the kitchen. How are you going to fit all that shit onto a small table? What I would do is have two thermes, one filled with tea, the other with coffee. Thus, I would have valuable space left on my small table for a telephone, a few books, a radio, photos of my loved ones, a set of water colours, a calculator, encyclopaedias, a mortar and pestle, a giant inflatable microphone, my entire collection of vinyl records, a record player to play them on, some magnets, a set of four porcelain figures, a trombone, my pet budgie, all my clothes, a washing machine, China and all its people, and my tin of biscuits.

Blouses and jackets can be made into capes for those with very stiff arms or no movement [Then the instructions for unsewing and resewing it as a cape]

Don’t bother disassembling and reassembling your favourite blouse to make a cape, definitely not with your stiff arms, just buy a cape from shop. You may have trouble buying a cape because this isn’t the Victorian Era… I suppose the modern day equivalent would be: Several sponges stuck together create a convincing afro for those suffering from hair loss.

I wonder if Mary Sansbury and Ann Fowler knew that 40 years on from when this book was first published it would get such a lambasting via a medium of which they weren’t even aware at the time. I really doubt it. They’re probably both dead now anyway. I’m glad they’re dead because the tips are shit and the illustrations are like something a child would do. RIP.

I went to Nan’s for dinner. I had meatballs, but not in that way. My Dad keeps trying to give me advice on drinking and women. I’ll take his advice on drinking, because he knows a lot about that, but I think I’m better off just guessing when it comes to women. All I know is: every woman is a whore and they all need to die.

I started a game of Solitaire on the computer today that had no moves available. That is the first time that has ever happened, and I’ve played a lot of Solitaire. I also played a game of chess. I had two queens and he just had a king and I could only manage a draw. I forgot about that rule because it doesn’t make sense. It’s like when you trap someone on a podium surrounded by lava. It’s not a draw; It’s a victory for me.

I was thinking about how bad toilet brushes are. Really all you need is some sort of shovel because with a brush , the fecal matter gets stuck between the bristles and you have to try to flush it away. With a shovel, I imagine it would just wipe off. It might look a bit weird to have a shovel beside your toilet, though. Another thing I would like to see is quieter toilets.

I see that you’re not allowed to wear a cross at work in case it offends a vampire. It’s political correctness gone mad.

I had a sleep on my jelly bed last night. 3 mattresses I’ve got. I had a quick game of table tennis with my Dad. We played outside because his drumkit was set up where we used to play. The board we used to play on is warped and has chips out of it. It was set up on slanted ground. The spirit level we use as a net had its bubble right to one side. He was complaing about being in the Sun so we swapped ends, and it felt really weird. I don’t know why, but the table seemed to be even more sloped than it actually was so when the ball bounced normally it was confusing. I had a go on the drums. I don’t have the co-ordination to do anything complex. I can do congas and alike fine but hitting stuff with sticks is like trying to tie your shoelaces with long arms.

I thought of what I will be like when I’m older. The first thing that came to my mind was a wizard in a tower. That’ll probably never happen, though. I think my life will turn out alright. I say that as if it’s not alright now; my life’s fine, just a bit dull. If I haven’t had sex with a lady and tried cocaine within my first week of university, I’m asking for a refund. If that’s my attitude, I may as well not go. I saw my Dad and Nan and Uncle today. My Nan’s got a fox that she feeds dog food and it comes within a few metres of people. My Nan did tuna and pasta bake for dinner, but I helped make the thousand island sauce. I mixed the ketchup and salad cream. My room at Pa’s is quite a bit tidier than last time.

If you want a giant inflatable microphone, a Thomas The Tank Engine nightlight, or the game Go Go Worms with the playdough all hard and useless, feel free to e-mail me.

I found the plot to what I think is a film. It’s not really a plot because it just a random progression of events. It’s not interesting but I’ve got nothing else to put here so here it is:

Why? Lydon Pearsall 1.6.06

1
SD: why zoooms in, in curly writing then explodes. Jesus running being chased by devil in a long hall going past pictures of the producers faces. Jesus backflips pulls out a lightsaber throws it at the devil and the devil explodes and turns into spiders. Jesus: thats what I call an explosion. He jumps through a void in the wall and comes out me. Zombies, dinosaurs amd aliens come out with chain guns and fire at me, loads of blood comes out and fills up the screen. Game over comes up in westminster font. A bald guy with a rainbow afro turns off the telly: this sucks, a dalek comes in and says: exterminate this does not suck it blows. man with cow mask says it both sucks and blows. afro dude: that’s impossible, sucking and blowing are opposite actions, it is not possible to do both. Dalek: I agree let us not fight, let’s party. Everyone dances.

2
In a white room afro dude says: I’m glad I entered this room now I can sing a song about rooms:
rooms rooms rooms rooms
Eat a bucket of mushrooms
Put in the cupboard many brooms
The car zooms zooms
That was refreshing now I can watch T.V.
T.V.: the car that tells the future WOOOHOOO Afro: this looks good. The car opens door, man gets in. the sunroof closes wipers go in, Starts raining Airbag goes on car crashes.

That was the first side of an A5 page. The rest of this film it takes up the reverse side.

2.6.06 8.6.06 11.6.06

3
man with cow mask is weeing using bottle 30 secs. When finsihing puts bottles on top. Runs water in bath while running bath 2 sock puppets have a conversation about global warming then play rock paper scissors to decide who gets flushed down the toilet. Man gets in with clothes on. The phone rings so he gets out and picks it up “Hello, your country has been chosen to be bombed, your mission is to find out where and to stop it yours truly OBL and SH. Man rings others and says guys you;ll never believe this, God called.

Narrator “and so the epic story begins but the question asked must be why?” Cow man “Dalek, bald guy with afro, we have a problem, we need to go to Al Qauéda and find out where they are bombing” afro man “to Iraq” cowman “Al Qyadea isn’t a place lets just visit the headquarters, it’s an hours drive or so, we can just follow the sign posts”

4
plane goes across the screen then they suddenly end up outside the embassy. Cow man “we’re here to complain about the attack on London. Let us in or we’ll kill you. Guard with gun “London, London… oh the attack on big ben, tower of big ben dalek ” when exactly

It ends there. Either I was too much of an ADHD to finish, I’ve lost a page or maybe that was the end of some strange sentence. I think it was just that I got distracted, considering the second page took 3 days to write. I think it’s quite interesing how I implied I was Christ ressurected and also predicted 7/7 sort of.

It reminds me of the day of the 7/7 bombings. I was at school and lots of us went to the computer room to find news about it. I was just tagging along and didn’t know what to do. I had seemed to remember hearing something about information on the Al Qaeda Web-site, so I typed in something like al-quyeeda.com but it didn’t work. I showed my friend and he seemed to get annoyed. Another thing I did was compare a red foam ball to a red Bob-omb. Maybe it was too soon. Those bombings were good because we got half a day off. I suppose on the whole they were bad, but from my point of view, Al Qaeda need to get their arses in gear and bomb some more stuff. All joking apart, if you are a member of Al Qaeda reading this, why don’t you have a long hard think about what you’re doing.

Sunday. The day of sun. The sunny day. Day de la Sol. Monday’s more popular brother. Sonntag. Ice cream sundae. Sunned hay. Ra’s party time. What did I do today? What do you think I did? Correct.

It’s a new month and with each new month comes a new day. I touched someone today and their arms fell off. I’ve got Thalidomidas touch. This whole situation is annoying. Not just for the people with no arms, but for me too. I’ve realised my nickname, The Lydonide, sounds a lot like thalidomide. That could be interpreted as taking the piss out of those buoys, but I could take them in a fight so I’m not worried. Even if they all came at me at once, all I would have to do is go up a ladder. They’re like Daleks in a way.

Max Bygraves has died. He is now by graves, to the max.

I’ve put my taskbar on the right just to see how long it takes me to get used to it. It’s only been a few hours but I’ve pretty much got used to it. I might try it on the left. I could even put it at the top if I want. I’m my own boss.

Way back home. Nice. It’s good to back home in a bed with all my creature comforts like a duvet and a pillow. The Internet here is pretty good. I got 5758KB/s at one point. That is mental. I’ve also been enjoying having food to eat. I had some crisps and some peanut butter sandwiches. That is probably the bad point to living alone. In the future when I live alone, I would want a woman to come a few times a week to stock up the cupboards and who would let me have sex with her. My Mum’s got the first bit covered but it went a bit awkward when I asked about the sex part. I’m joking of course. Maybe a few years ago, but not now. Still, it’s been 3 years…

One of the bad points about being at home is trying to do stuff on my laptop when my Mum is watching TV. I could go to my room but I don’t want to seem excessively antisocial. I noticed that Gyarados is an anagram of “gay as rod”. I always had my suspicions about Gyarados, but now they’re confirmed. Gyarados is gay and it loves rod.

I no longer have a job and I’m back to being a student. What do you call a big tree that has a lot of sex? A stud ent. My Mum came and we had a look around the island. There’s not that much here. I saw a lighthouse which is just like a slightly tall house. I saw the Needles, which is just some rocks. I saw a model village, which was just some small buildings. I saw a vase being made, which was just some man heating some sand and blowing it. I saw the sea, which is just a big bowl of water. Overall, I am glad I am leaving because nothing here impresses me. I did have a nice pork and stuffing pie in a pub today, though. I noticed I still have my little key fob that lets me open the doors at work. I don’t know what to do with it.

It was my last day today and I couldn’t help but cry – not because it was my last day, but because I got my ballsack trapped in my desk drawer. Looks like I won’t be having kids any time soon – not because my ballsack snapped off, but because I am incredibly ugly. I’m not even ugly and my ballsack’s fine. After work, we went to a pub by the sea for a meal. I order a rack of ribs for ten pounds. I thought it was expensive but then I saw the rack of ribs. It was about one foot long. I only managed half of it so someone had the other half. It was delicious, though. The meat came right off the bone and it had BBQ sauce with it. The pub didn’t do Strongbow so I had a Stowford Press, which wasn’t bad at all. Normally I don’t like alcohol that much but Stowford Press seemed alright. I might just be maturing because I also ate my parsley.

I spent part of my penultimate day at work disassembling a table, a callback to my second day there assembling a table. They were moving to an office upstairs so I helped carry some stuff about. By the time I had finished, my back was wetter than a fish’s minge. The back of my shirt was literally soaked and I left a massive wet patch on my chair. I need some of that botox to stop me from sweating, but that might causes me to sweat inside and get cancer.

I gave Irn Bru an unfair rap yesterday so I thought I would buy some. It was on a 2 for 2 pounds offer so I bought a bottle of sugar free and one of sugar full. The sugar one was better. I think it tasted better than Iron Brew but without having one after the other it’s hard to say. It should have been twice as good because it cost twice as much.

When I was younger, I used to think the saying “prima donna” was “pre-Maddona” and it meant that someone wasn’t like Maddona yet but was acting like they were.

I didn’t do much today, so no different from any other. I learned that crane flies don’t bite. I saw an advert that said “Attract women like a magnet”, but when I looked at it quickly I thought it said “Attract women like a midget”. The advert should really say “Attractive women like a magnet”, especially those of the horseshoe kind. Think about it.

I made some music today. I took extra care to make sure none of it is clipping. I went out to get some doughnuts and some HP sauce flavour crisps. Every day that my arteries haven’t exploded is a day I’m lucky to be alive. I also got four litres of fizzy pop. Firstly, Iron Brew flavour – a satire of Irn Bru. It’s a good satire because it’s cheap and tastes mostly of fizz with a slight taste of something else, just like Irn Bru probably.It may have tasted of oranges. The liquid was orange coloured so presumably also orange flavoured. I had a drink which was “made with real orange fruit” once. The second flavour of pop I had was Kola Kube flavour. I imagine the creators sitting in their office: “We can’t manage to create a Cola flavour drink. It just tastes of sweets.” “Why not pretend it’s meant to be like that and call it cola cube flavour?” “Is that hip enough, though?” “How about Kola Kube flavour?” “Bingo.” For that exchange to work, it would need to be written, unless cola cube was pronounced using soft c’s, in which case it would sound like solar soup.

I thought I would have go at doing some Rockbusters. I’ve done 50 of them. I’ve tried to make them as tenuous as Karl Pilkington would while still being possible, but I really don’t think they are all gettable. If you do somehow manage to get all of them, e-mail in and I’ll send you a prize, which will probably just be a picture of my cock or some ingots or something. I can pretty much rest assured that nobody will get them for two reasons. 1: Most of them are weak and some are just wrong. 2: Only about no people read this. It’s like on the Karl Pilkington radio shows where they say that nobody is listening, but it’s actually true for this. 14 unique visitors I’ve had this month. Three of them are probably me on my home computer, work computer and laptop, so that leaves 11 people. 11 people read this. 11 people. That’s why I don’t want to get a Twitter account. I would be able to see every time I log on just how many people following there were. 11. It’s not even a good number. If someone at school asked you if you favourite number was 8, 10 or 11, and you said 11, you’d never hear the end of it. I was thinking what I would be doing if I didn’t do this, and I would just be playing Xbox, making music that nobody will listen to or going to bed early every night. I hate having Autism.

I see in the news that old Neil Armstrong has died, or so they say. I don’t think he is dead and actually believe that the return from the Moon was faked and that Neil and Buzz, or the moon twins as I call them, are still on the moon. I’ve seen footage of Neil jumping out his little spaceship but never him getting in it and taking off again, ergo, he is still on the moon. An fact about Neil Armstrong is his name is an anagram of angstrom liner, which is a really small ship.

Apparently, Neil Armstrong orginally wanted to be a triple jumper in the Olympics. He was great at the giant leap but kept putting one small step before it.

It’s Friday, or as I call it, Frightday, because something might frighten me. Nothing frightened me today, though. I had to fill in my timesheet at work. It went back to a few weeks ago so I just guessed what I was doing. I bet I won’t have to fill in a timesheet when I’m an astronaut.

Rushiq today asked me “Have you ever been to pool?” I thought the meant the game like billiards but then I thought he meant swimming. I asked him if he meant swimming without really thinking that everyone has been to pool. He then clarified that he meant Poole and I said no. Apparently it has a nice beach. That’s such a left field question that came apropos of nothing, I would never have guessed that is what he meant. The reason I didn’t realise he meant the place when he said “To Poole” rather than “played pool” or “gone to a swimming pool” is because he comes out with sentences like “My body is paining”. I just looked that up, and I’m not sure if that is wrong because it appear a lot. It’s probably just like how people say “I could care less”. Think about what you’re saying, you prick. It’s “I couldn’t care less”. You’re a fucking idiot if you say “could care less”. Fuck you. I try not to get too angry about stuff like that because I’m hardly the model of perfection when it comes to the English words, but at least I know it’s Peperami now. I also learned today that I have been using “beg the question” incorrectly. I’ll give it a few more years and then the way I’ve been saying it will become accepted.

I went onto my old computer to do some music. I’m less likely to get distracted on my old computer because the Internet connection is intermittent due to a dodgy switch and the page scrolls are jagged.

I’ve noticed Google’s results are different now. It seems to be giving lots of links to the same Website on each search; YouTube links don’t have a picture next to them, and Wikipedia’s not always near the top. If I wanted to search Wikipedia or YouTube, though, I should just search Wikipedia or YouTube. I knew Google was going downhill since they changed the favicon. It’s not that I’m a Luddite, because I think some change is good. For example, I like Windows 7 because I can just search for programs and I like the ÿ + Tab combination, even though there is never a situation I would use it other than boredom.

It’s Thursday, or as I call it, Thirstday, because every Thursday I have a drink to try to prevent thirst. I sometimes call it Fursday because I stroke an animal but I didn’t today. I’m working on an FE model at work which is boring. I’ve got to remake a lot of the geometry because it’s clashing. I don’t think I’ll get it done by the time I go because Monday’s a bank holiday and I’m hoping they’ll let me bring in games on Wetnessday because it’s my last day. I was going to go out and get a drink at about half 9 but I just went went to bed instead.

I got a stamp stuck to my tongue today. Apparently, they stick automatically now so I didn’t have to lick it. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t also fallen into a post box. I was stuck in there for a couple of hours when the postman came, at which point I stuck out my tongue to show him my problem, but he must have thought that I wanted to be posted so he put me in his bag and took me to the sorting office. There wasn’t much air in the bag so I passed out. I woke up in a jungle. The stamp had pretty much dissolved so I was able to ask one of the locals where I was. He told me I was in Nicaragua. I was wearing my Nuka Cola shirt at the time so the postman must have misread that and sent me here. Now I’m stuck here, and all because stamps are so expensive now that they cost the same as a flight to Nicaragua. I hadn’t thought of an ending to that story when I started, so consider it a bonus.

It’s Wednesday, or as I call it, Wensleydayle, the day I have retroactively decided that I eat something that has cheese in it or something that has cheese flavour to it. I had cheese and onion crisps. Yum. I sometimes like to call it Wetnessday because I get wet. Today’s wetness came from the shower, sweat, and my throat got wet too from some drinks. Also, my face got wet when I cried myself to sleep and my wrists got wet when blood came from them. I’m not depressed or anything, it’s just that I’ve masturbated so much that my skin on my wrists has rubbed away.

Rushiq came to Spar with me today. He came yesterday as well. He asked if we could go earlier than 13:00 which is when I usually go, so I don’t know why he doesn’t just go on his own.

I was thinking about how you never see a sad advert for something like car insurance or loans. They usually try to be funny. I would like to see an advert where somebody dies in a car crash and it’s revealed that the other driver is uninsured. It would be a car insurance advert, obviously. I would also have one where a small child dies from ill because her mother didn’t clean the kitchen using the proper spray. The woman then kills herself. At the end, the husband comes home and sees what has happened and starts crying. He then disposes of the bodies and cleans the area with the spray because a flashback shows that he had an argument with his wife after she found he was cheating on him so he thought he might get blamed for her murder. Another advert would be someone falling off a roof, breaking their neck and cracking their skull open. It would then cut to later with the man dribbling in a wheelchair, but he’s got a cheque on his lap from Cash4SmashInjurySolicitorLawyers. I’m not sure if these would sell the goods, but it’s worth a try.

For the first time in what seems like 3 days, I went to work. After about 8 hours of being at work, I left work and went to where my bed is. It’s not my home. I don’t have a home at the moment. They say home is where the heart is but that’s only true if you’re a snail. I’m not a snail. I learnt that my boss is leaving the job in a month so I’m hopping I can have his job. I would be the prefect candidate because everyone else there already has a job, but I won’t have next month. I can even say “nominal” a lot if needs must.

I went out to get some drinks at about quarter to 9. It closes at 8 so I hurried. There was hardly anyone in Morrisons and everyone seemed to be rushing about, which is how it always should be. Nobody was walking slowly with with trolleys or getting in my way, and I didn’t get too hot on the way there. Nice.

I did nothing (ie. played Minecraft) until dinnertime. I was looking forward to some more cheesy pasta. I put the pasta on and then went for the cheese. It smelled like nothing I had ever smelled before. It was like what I imagine rancid wine would smell like. It really wasn’t nice so I threw it away. That meant I just had luncheon meat to go with it, but who did I see crawling about in the packet but a fly. I maybe should have put the meat in the fridge, but I still don’t expect flies to be crawling all over it. I threw that away too. Thinking about it, I should have just washed it off, or if I was that worried, removed the top piece and cut round the edges to remove all possible fly surfaces. I don’t really like flies. I don’t like insects much on the whole, but some I do. I like bees, wasps, spiders (they are essentially just enformed (like deformed but good) insects), ants as long as they don’t come inside, shield bugs, moths and butterflies, pond-skimmers and dragonflies. I don’t even like beetles really because they’re a bit creepy. It’s been ages since I’ve seen a pond skimmer and only just remembered them because I saw them on some page to do with insects. My main worry with insects is that they will climb up my sleeve and I’ll accidentally crush them. I don’t like getting messy and I don’t really want to kill insects either. Anyway, I just had to eat my pasta on its own because it was already cooking. I had some barbecue sauce with it, which just didn’t taste right.

By now it was about half 9 so I went out to get something. I was going to go to the local shop but then thought I could go to Sainsbury’s and wondered why I hadn’t thought of that in the first place. It was because it was Sunday and it was shut. Luckily, I realised* pretty much straight away so I went to the quay. I didn’t want to sit there because there was light upon the bench and I didn’t want people to see me sitting on my own by the quay looking like a freak, so I kept walking, which goes by the graveyard. I went in but got scared so I came out again. I don’t know what I’m afraid of. I don’t believe in the supernatural, and I don’t think there would be a murderer there. I think I am just a pussy. Once when I was just 16, I walked through a dark field with only dots on the horizon lighting my way and I wasn’t that scared then. I think I did it a few times actually. One time I heard voices and thought that they might be gangsters. I got closer and saw that were all dressed in army gear. The man in charge stopped talking “while this young lad walks past” and I said thanks and then the army people laughed. It was probably for saying thanks but I didn’t care at the time because that was back when I had a girlfriend. I remember one time I said I was going to piss in her mouth and she actually thought I would have done. I didn’t even get my cock in because I couldn’t hold her hands down and get my cock out at the same time. Bear in mind that I wasn’t actually raping her because she didn’t mind sucking me off. I really don’t know how I tricked her into liking me for as long as I did. Anyway, I carried on past the field and hotel and walked along a dark path. Before I had turned back at that point, but that was because the terrain was a bit bumpy and it had been raining so I didn’t want to step in a puddle. This time I walked as far as it took to agnise that I was mental and that I was walking for no reason along a dark path so I turned back. I’m not sure if I am actually mad or just pretending to be mad.

It was gone ten so I went to the late night Spar. I got a 7-pack of 4-up or a Tupac of shoot-up or something for a pound and some Blue Riband. You may be thinking that the Blue Riband was an interesting choice, but the shop was closing soon and they were on offer for a pound. I don’t like having too much change. The man at the counter seemed so bored that nothing was happening and actually looked happy to see me. That must mean he was the loneliest man ever. If it had been a woman, I would have regretted not talking to her. I think I broke the first can of 7-up because I hard a pop noise while trying to get it out the packaging and the top of the can had a tumour. The ring pull just pulled off and only made a tiny hole. When I got home, I used Blunty to lever some cuttage on the can so I could pour it out into a bottle. I had to drink the last of my vodka mixed with ginger beer to get an empty bottle. There wasn’t even enough to get “half shandy” me drunk. I ate all my Blue Ribands that night and came to the conclusion that they are the dullest chocolate snack ever. “With that wafer taste you know and love”. I know that taste, yes, but to say that anyone actually loves the taste of wafer is taking the piss. If wafer was popular, why are there no bars with just wafer in them? Next time you go to a friend’s a house for dinner, just ask for a piece of wafer instead and just wait for them to ask you to leave. Wafers are just air in rice paper probably, so maybe they’re more popular in China. Not only do they contain rice, but they contain a few puffs of unpolluted air. Anyway, the way to eat is definitely to just buy stuff and then eat it immediately. That way, cheese doesn’t end up smelling like wine and meat doesn’t get flies crawling all over it.

*I realise I use the word “realise” a lot, so I will use the word “agnise” from now on, which I think means roughly the same thing. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t matter because nobody reads this shit anyway. It’s a tricky situation when one agnises that one uses a particular word too much. A few that I overuse are “though” and “also”, though I’ve noticed I don’t seem to be noticing them as much. In that last sentence, the “though” wasn’t deliberate, and I’ve agnised I use “notice” too much as well. At work, Richard say “Just out of curiosity/interest” too much. My boss uses the term “nominal” more than the average person, and Rushiq is the best for this. The number of times he has asked me to do “just one thing” or to do something “in the meantime” or “what we can do”, when it’s really just going to be me doing something.

I went out to the shop and bought some Vimto and 4 doughnuts. That’s all I ate today. These Ramadan people could learn a lot from me. I was going to have some more pasta and cheese but I was playing Minecraft so I didn’t. I don’t mind cooking if nobody else is in the kitchen at the same time. I hope I live alone soon, or at least with someone I know. Maybe even a lady who lets me touch her and stuff or who is at least a heavy sleeper. If I rape someone and nobody wakes up, does it still count? If someone wanted to have sex with me in my sleep, even if it was a man or ugly woman, and they could do it without giving me the AIDS virus or making my bottom hurt, I would let them.

Yesterday, Rich said there was a fireworks display in Cowes and I said i might go but I decided not to because fireworks are a bit boring, and I’m a bit wary of fireworks since I burnt all the skin off my hands once. My Dad told me that two fireworks were sparklers and so I was holding onto them. They started sparking a lot but I didn’t want to let go even though they were burning my hands but then they suddenly went off. They were pretty big and the force of them pulled me over so I smashed my chin on the concrete and some of the skin on my hands burnt off as well. I’ve just remembered that never happened, but fireworks are still quite boring.

The secretary was dusting about the skirting at work. I’m fairly sure she wouldn’t be hired as a secretary and cleaner so I think she was just doing it because she’s a woman. I tried to test how much of a woman she was by asking her for a sandwich, but instead she just gave me a blowjob. I wish. In reality, I was looking at her and then she looked at me and then I smiled, but she probably thought I was staring at her. I did have my mouth open dribbling at the time.

I had my pasta and cheese today. It was the best of the pasta-based meals I have had. The cheese was Greek salad cheese, so it was all crumbly and mixed really well. I had a bit left over at the end and it was a bit salty on its own, but still nice. The luncheon meat was nice too. That’s just a little recipe idea there for you if you’re scum.

I got some Yop at lunch which was like yoghurt juice. I then read the bottle and it said it was drinkable yoghurt. It was nice. I also got some marshmallow squares. I’ve been getting quite a few of them lately. I had some Quavers too. I got something different to do at work today and so the last thing which I couldn’t do is now irrelevant, which is good. It’s taught me a valuable lesson to just take so long doing something that it no longer matters.

I went out to get some cheese to go with my pasta at about 9. Pasta on its own is terrible, especially raw, but cheese makes it edible. It’s still dull without cheese so I got some pork luncheon meat to go with it. My Nan used to get that and I used to sometimes have it on a plate with some crisps and sauce. She might still get it. She’d get it from me any day. I also got some fruit and vegetable juice and some cookies, because I consider that a balanced diet. The juice just tasted like regular fruit juice. I went down by the quay and sat about for a bit then went home. I didn’t even have pasta for dinner.

On the way to the shop, I saw a thing on the edge of a bin. It was about five metres away and in darkness. I thought it was just a duck but I looked a bit closer and decided it wasn’t. I went in for a closer look but slipped on some grass, and when I looked up after my tumble, It was running away. It looked like a fast rabbit but it might have been a cat. I think it was a cat because I don’t think rabbits can climb. I thought of doing a challenge once where I have to try to stroke e very cat I see, which would require me to climb over fences and run along walls.

There was a girl in the kitchen. I said hello and she said hi or something. She definitely fancied me. There are all sorts of new people there now. I’ll be moving soon so I can just ignore them if they try to talk to me.

I managed to eat some of my coconut today. There was a screwdriver at work which I used to carve out one of the eyes to drain out the water. I liked it because it gave me a good idea of what it would be like to gouge out a baby’s eyes. The cocowater was a bit gritty because it was going through the hole and picking up lots of cocofur. On the way home, I smashed the coconut open on a wall like some sort of chimp. I liked it because it gave me a good idea of what it would be like to smash open a baby’s skull. The cocomeat was tough so I couldn’t eat it until I got home. It was still hard to peel it with a spoon and Blunty my knife. I tried just eating the cocomeat with the cocosoftshell inside, but it really wasn’t nice so I peeled the skin off. I liked it because it gave me a good idea what peeling the skin off a baby would be like. I don’t really like coconuts.

I had a large pizza for dinner. I ate it all. I feel like such a glutton. I paced a lot in the shop so I think I burned off one slice of pepperoni doing that. I listened to Kevin Eldon Will See You Now. It is bad, no disrespect to Eldon.