Diary

I had work to do today but I didn’t know what to do because in involved mechanics and I didn’t really pay much attention in mechanics. I did actually but I just didn’t understand it. I mainly didn’t understand why I would need it. I still don’t really understand why I need it. I shouldn’t have to work with numbers; I just want to make pretty models. I would have asked boss what to do but he was in a meeting for a lot of the day so I just watched stuff online. I saw Hello Ladies by Lanky Goggle-eyed Freak. It was a bit weak. Certinaly not as good as Dependence day by Rob Newman, even though I don;t understand half the references. Rob Newman looks like Robert Peston.

I fancied a coconut today because there were some in Morrisons for 80p so after work I went to Morrisons and they were only 69p. My only fear was that I wouldn’t be able to open it. I thought I might be able to punch it open but then I felt the weight and realised I wouldn’t be able to. It didn’t stop me nearly breaking my hand when I got home. When I was in the shop, I had trouble approaching the coconut. I am coconut shy.

Nothing.

I wanted to play Battlefield 3 but I couldn’t  because it needed an update and I didn’t want to download 2GB because there is a 15GB a month cap here. I thought I’d play Halo Reach instead but I think that must be at home so I went to the graveyard and sat about for a bit. Ants and bees are some of the few insects that actually seem to be doing something. Most insects just walk or fly about doing fuck all. A tiny fly landed on my nose today and I had to be really careful getting it off. How bored must an insect be if it can go about landing on people’s noses? There was a normal fly on the wall and I went to punch it and it took ages before it flew away. I could have easily killed it and it didn’t even care. It’s almost as if they live by different standards from humans.

I bought a pork pie from Morrisons for a pound. It was a reasonably sized one. I also got 4 litres of fizzy pop for £1. It seems they’ve stopped trying to even bother giving them proper flavours, instead I got one bottle of strawberry laces flavour drink and one of  Jelly Baby flavour. “No artificial flavours”, the bottle proclaims, yet I would argue that the taste of Jelly Babies isn’t exactly natural; you never see a woman give birth to a jelly baby. That’s probably just because you never see a jelly lady, but maybe if we stopped eating jelly babies for just one damn minute, they would grow up and have a new generation of jelly children. The drink smells just like those beans you can get but tastes as you would expect for a 25p per litre drink. I had some cream soda yesterday and it tasted of nuts. I thought someone might have put cyanide on it because that apparently tastes of almonds, but I’m not dead so I don’t think it was poisoned. Maybe my genes make me resistant to cyanide. Afterall, my father was a Jelly Baby.

I had a kebab for dinner today but did nothing else. I stayed up late playing Minecraft and went to bed at 6 tomorrow morning. I had some muffins I think. I am wasting my youth. I wish it was just gone so then I wouldn’t feel I was wasting it. Writing this doesn’t help. If I wasn’t so lazy, I would stop playing video games, stop writing this shit, and then just kill myself. I would set up a contraption that decapitated me and then my head rolled off onto a pressure activated catapult which was fired into a busy area. That would be really weird for the people going about their business. It would be even better if I did it so each limbs was also cut off and catapulted. If I am ever in a vegetative state, more than I am now, the amputation/catapult method is how I would like to go.

I  managed to make 49 saves on the Google football game today. Square. I’ve really lacked motivation at work this week. My input is finished on the last project and so there’s not much for me to do. I’ve had a few little things to do but I’ve been pretending they take longer than they actually do. I left early from work today because it seemed everyone else was. Rich was there and suggested I go to Cowes Week, but it is too hot for me to go out.

I was on Hoth the other day and I was a bit lost so I thought I’d get a GPS device. I got a Tauntaun satnav.

I got a couple of punnets of raspberries this morning. None of them were off, but some of them were very sour. I also had dinner today. I had some pasta with cheese and ham. They had some Edam for a pound which is cheap cheese – probably because it’s 50% plastic. Adding the cheese on the plate makes the pot much easier to clean.

Which member of Boyzone is always masturbating? Onan Keating.

With my laptop, I got a subscription to PC World something. It’s a direct debit but the first few months are free. I was thinking of cancelling it now before I forget so I tried to log into my on-line bank. After entering my debit card number, I was then asked to enter my five digit security code and some letters of my memorable word. If a 16-digit number  isn’t secure enough, I think they should create a new system that is. I don’t get why they need more than just my debit card number. On-line banking could use the pin system but instead it uses some more random digits and a memorable word. I don’t know exactly how many words I know, but I would say it’s at least 500, meaning I know at least 500 memorable words, so how am I supposed to remember the one that I picked ages ago. Using on-line banking in addition to just normal stuff means that you need to effectively remember 9 digits.

I had the best day ever today. For all my weeks of loyal shopping at Morrisons, I was rewarded by £2.33 in the change slot of the self-checkout machine. It’s a shame that finding a girlfriend isn’t as easy as just picking her up from a tray.

My alarm wasn’t set in the morning so I woke up at about 8:45. I got ready in about 5 minutes and went to work. I was 10 minutes late. It meant I didn’t get breakfast. It would only have been some pork pies so it’s quite good that I didn’t. I had a runny nose and managed to get a giant snot bubble about 1 inch in diameter to pop from my nose. I made sure I was in the toilets when nobody was looking.

I realised that the Olympic Google logos are games. My personal best for hurdles is 17.9 seconds, basketball is 30 goals and kayaking is 19.3 seconds. I actually time travelled to tomorrow to play the kayaking.

I didn’t play Minecraft today and got a kebab for dinner.

I remembered the time that I thought I was magic when I was younger. I had an aftershave bottle and I tipped it upside down and the liquid wasn’t coming out and so I thought I was magic. My Dad explained to me it was just that the bottle had a narrow head, but I still don’t really understand that. Maybe I really was magic and he was afraid.

I see some Cameroonies have gone missing. Maybe they just wasted away from not eating enough, or maybe all their training for the Olympics was just to enter the UK and live here. I said that as a joke but I see the Guardian Web-site are saying that is a possibility. I’ve got to try to say something that won’t be on the Guardian site… The niggers are loose. It’s going to be difficult to catch them because they are so fast. I’m actually being racist against white people because I’m doing a satire of how all crackers are racist. If you are white, you should be ashamed of yourself. Still, I bet you’re glad you’re not a hungry thief (still satire).

Lately, I’ve been enjoying trying to get the fruit pastilles wrapper to spiral down the whole packet without breaking. I keep forgetting though and tearing it off. It’s like trying not to chew them. I can manage to suck them when I walk but when I’m sitting down I can’t help but chew them.

I noticed I had some sort of spot on my foot and it was a bit sensitive so I got a razor blade out and tried to gently cut it off. It didn’t work so I tried to slice it open. It’s amazing how little pressure is required to cause bleeding. A bit of pus came out, and now it’s fine. I’m still using the same razor blade that I bought about a year ago, but I’ve really only used it a few times because of the usual cycle. I generally grow a beard, then see someone else with a beard and realise how foolish they look, then realise that I look foolish by extension and then shave my beard. I can’t even actually grow a beard.

I’ve been eating a lot of pork pies lately. I’ve been getting two variety packs of 6 for 3 pounds. I haven’t had much else over the last few days. I think I said I was going on a diet several months ago. What I’m currently eating is a diet, but not a particularly good one, even though they’re only small pork pies. Talking about pies got me thinking about Georgie Porgie and how he and I have a lot in common.

1. We both like pudding and pie. I imagine Georgie Porgie is fat because it sounds a bit like Georgie Porky. There was a fat boy at my primary school called George so I imagine Georgie Porgie looks like him.
2. He makes girls cry by kissing them. I’ve never actually kissed a girl, but if I had done, she probably would have cried.
3. We are both afraid of the big boys.

I didn’t do much today. I got some overpriced ham and some ginger beer and cream soda. The ham was 3 pounds for two packs of 10 slices. I need something to go with all the bread I bought a few weeks ago before it’s more green that white. I feel like a coward if I don’t eat the mould but I can’t enjoy a sandwich if it is mouldy so I have to tear the mould off and eat it separately. Back in my day, we were lucky if we got mould for dinner. There was nothing we liked more than coming back up from the mines to have a nice bit of mould maybe with a glass of stagnant water from frog pond. The kids of today don’t know how easy they have it. If an old person complains to you about how kids have it easy or are spoilt now compared to the olden days, ask them if they grew up in the Victorian era when life was even harder. If they say no, tell them they look like they did.

I had a nap this afternoon from about 12 until 7 and then stayed up until 3. I wasn’t playing Minecraft, which is progress, but I can’t remember what I did. I went out and got a Monster drink and some cookies.

Have you heard they’re renaming the Paralympics? It’s going to be called the Olimpics.
Have you heard they’re renaming the Paralympics? It’s going to be called the Parrotlympics and only parrots can enter.
Have you heard they’re renaming the Paralympics? It’s going to be called the Parrotlimpets and should settle the age-old dispute between parrots and limpets.
Have you heard they’re renaming some of the events in the Paralympics? Now they’ve got the mong jump, spac and field, spazketball and retarchery, but personally I’m looking forward to wheelchair hurdles.
Have you heard they’re renaming the Paralympics? It’s going to be called the Windowlympickers.

I stayed up playing Minecraft today. If I actually had something to do, staying up all night would be quite productive. It probably wouldn’t be actually because I was just playing Minecraft by instinct.

I tried to watch the hammer throw event but they only had coverage of them actually throwing it and not them spinning round. The revolution will not be televised.

I bought a variety pack of pork pies. Those with apple and honey in were really tasty.

I went to the pub with people from work today. The pub I like has stopped serving Strongbow so I had some Aspall cider instead which tasted the same. They also took the best game off the quiz machine. I got served without ID in there, but we went to a different pub later and they said that they’d throw us all out if they saw me drinking. I didn’t have my passport because the loans people sent it home and I said I probably didn’t need it. Just a few of us went to a third pub but I couldn’t finish my pint because I was really tired. I had about half of it, though. I went home and then I went to bed.

I didn’t do much today. I was looking at the prices of bearings at work and I really wanted to buy some ball bearings. I think it would be nice to have a lot of them because I like the feel of them. There’s nothing funny about it, I just like smooth small balls.

I haven’t made much music lately which is a shame. The path to all my VSTis is different now so I would have to save them as patches on my old computer or redo them, both of which would be a bit tedious. I might do it this weekend if I can stop playing Minecraft. The only 3 VSTis I really use are Xhip, Synth 1 and DSK Minidrumz. I used to pretty much use Synth 1 for everything. ProtoPSG was also a good one. It’s probably quite boring for you to read about this – more than my usual stuff, – but it would have been weird if I only wrote 2 lines. This has really started going downhill since I stopped writing about what I had for lunch. I was already pretty far down that hill, but now I feel I’m in negative hill, or valley.

I think I played Minecraft today. I can’t think what else I would have done. I went to work as well but nothing really happened there. The fire alarm went off at about half 6 in the morning. I thought it was probably just a drill so I got dressed but then it it stopped so I just laid down on the bed.

I notice the Olympics have started and England aren’t even in it this year. There’s no point in wanting Britain to win anything because this country is rubbish. Nowadays, GB stands for Gay Britain rather than Great Britain, so that’s why, instead of supporting GB or any other country, I have decided to support the forces of good during this Olympics. This might be difficult, because it’s hard to tell whether someone is good or evil without looking at them, and I have no intention of watching any of the events.

I went back to work today and had Spicy Bikers and Transform-A-Snacks for lunch just like in the good old days. At about 8 in the evening, I got a headache so I lied down on my bed. I woke up at about 12 and changed into my nightwear and went to bed properly. Minecraft was lagging a lot so I stopped playing it.

I stayed up until about 12 this afternoon. I had done a sausage sandwich at about 6 and someone was surprised I was up early and then even more surprised that I hadn’t gone to bed. I woke up at about 17 and played Minecraft. I didn’t drink today apart from a tiny bit of water before I went to bed at about 2. I’m back to work tomorrow so I can go back to my normal sleep patterns.

I went to bed last night at 12 because I was sleepy. I got up at about 12 after stirring from my sleep several times. I only played Minecraft today. Not only did I refrain from going out for no reason, I also didn’t eat anything and only drank about half a litre of juice at the start of the day. The other day, I was speaking to my Nan and she asked if I was eating properly. I said yes. She said that I had better not return looking thin and pale. I think she wishes I was Barry White, or Carry Weight as I call him. Well, I used to call him before he lost all that weight in 2003.

I’ve decided that Minecraft is GOTYSFFM2012, surpassing Metro 2033. I got the Technic pack on Minecraft. It’s good because there’s not actually that much on regular Minecraft. It’s still good, though.

I stayed up all night again. I was playing Minecraft. The divide between one day and the next seems somewhat arbitrary when you don’t go to bed. I was drinking Pepsi and I felt some stuff in my mouth. I put my finger in and took out some brown stuff. I felt a bit more in my mouth and there was even more brown stuff. I thought their might have been something in the Pepsi. I went to the bathroom and washed my mouth out and lots more brown stuff was coming out. I thought it might have been part of my insides. Then a big piece came out that looked like flesh. I was confused but then came to the conclusion that it was probably just mango that had somehow become trapped in my mouth  and then been coloured by the Pepsi. I don’t know how I could have so much mango in my mouth without noticing, though.

I got a text today asking how my new laptop was.  I said it was fine, but I have no idea who the text was from because I lost all my numbers. I can only think it was from Rob, but it featured far too much punctuation for something written by Rob. I like the idea of texting whoever it is for ages while not knowing who it is. That could be a plot for next week.

I wasn’t looking forward to going out today, but I didn’t have to, so I didn’t until I went to get some juice just before 10 when Sainsbury’s shuts. I feel I have to go out every day. Going out feels like I am doing something, even though I never actually do anything while I am out. I was sweaty when I got back despite it being ten at night.

I played a game of chess and lost in 12 moves. That has to be some sort of record for losing the fastest while playing against the easy opponent.

I was going to go out this morning but it was too hot. I got sweaty just standing up. Still, I went out to get mangoes. I took my knife so I could eat them out. I wanted to go to the quay but all the benches were taken so I went to the graveyard. I  don’t think the mangoes were ripe because they were quite tough and sour. They weren’t too bad, though. I finished them and then saw what I think was a hummingbird moth because it kept flying about without stopping and looked like one. It was red. I went and got some Pepsi.

I won a game of chess against the easy AI. I had played yesterday and I just couldn’t get to grips with it, but that might have been because I hadn’t slept that night. Chess is good when you don’t have to wait ages for the other person to move. I won a few more times but also drew some times because the opponent was unable to move while not actually being in checkmate. If I was in charge of chess, that would count as a win to me. It would be like killing a general’s army, forcing him into a hut, surrounding him with soldiers and castles, and then deciding the war is a draw because he’s safe in his hut as long as he never wants to leave. Only the first win or draw was legitimate, though because I used undo on all the others.

The other day, I saw a man on a cherry picker cutting down trees with a chainsaw. What was weird was that he was just dangling the chainsaw over the edge by the lead and cutting the stuff like that. At least I think that’s what he was doing. There was a chainsaw dangling off the edge and when I walked past I heard  chainsaw noise. I think it was the same chainsaw.

Yesterday or something – I’ve got a bit confused – I heard a buzzing and thought a bee had got trapped in the folds of the curtain. Then I realised the buzz was emanating from my leg so I thought a bee had got trapped in my pocket. After about a second I came to the conclusion it was my phone.

I went out and realised that shopping is my hobby. It’s a good way to pass the time and I like having something to eat at the end. I bought some doughnuts and went down to the quay to eat them but when I got there, they had all gone so I went home. I rang my Dad like he still wants me to do everyday and it was so boring as he went on about what he did in his day – stuff like having medicine delivered or doing lunch. I realised that that is all this is, and that’s probably why nobody actually reads it. Another problem with this is that nothing I do is genuine. I feel I have to do weird things so I have something to write about.

I got an actual meal today. I did some washing and I had been dossing about in my pants all day so the only stuff I had to wear were some work trousers and my creased, faded Gio-Goi shirt. My uncle got loads because they were faulty in some way so he gave a lot to me. I think this on is meant to have a solid pink logo on it but it has a gradient to it. I don’t care, though. Not caring about my image is part of my image. Anyway, I went to Sainsbury’s because I fancied a change from Morrisons. I got some pasta, some beans and some sausages. On the way home, I was thinking of ways how I could limit the number of cooking processes. I decided to mix the pasta and beans together. I made the mistake of mixing them at the same time, though, so the beans were done when the pasta was still hard. It looked like I had really burned the sausages too. It all tasted fine, though. The sausages were very nice and weren’t burned at all, and the pasta wasn’t too crunchy. The beans were cheap and tasted as such. I have 12 more sausages to eat. I will look forward to them.

This new computer has McAfee installed but I don’t like McAfee because it rhymes with Gadaffi. I’m a bit worried that it might start deleting files on my system while wearing a funny hat.

Day 2 of Project Insomnia was a dull one. I went to bed at 2 in the morning because I was bored. I could have stayed up but there was no point. I nearly fell asleep while masturbating today. That’s how jaded I have become. Onanism offers me no thrills anymore. Especially when I’ve done it about five times in a day. I have nothing else to do with my time.

I got up and went to PC World and then Curry’s. I updated my iPhone last night which took ages and resulted in my losing all the stuff on there. I backed up the good stuff, though. I lost all the numbers on my phone. Luckily, I still have all the individual digits so I am able to re-enter the numbers, but it’s going to take ages to do it with the ten or so contacts on my phone. Because of the hassle of updating my phone, I was reluctant to update my computer.  I went to look at the all-in-one PCs and tried the weight of one. It was too heavy to have on my lap and I’m sure an alarm went off so I put it down. I settled for a Toshiba Satellite for £400. I came home and then went to get some drinks and then came home. On the way, a woman smiled at me and said “alright, love”. I think she may know someone who I live with, because she seemed familiar, but she might have just fancied me. I set up my computer and then played Minecraft until about ten to eleven when I went to get a kebab. That was my first meal of the day. I stayed up until at least 8:00 which is the time now. I like staying up because it makes things seem like they happened so long ago and when I am tired, I can sometimes get quite happy.

I noticed I have quite a few hairs on my chest. If my nipples are anything to go by, I will have a hairy chest. I have one hair on its own where my third nipple would be. I don’t like hairs because I feel that to wash them properly I would need to get water and soap between every individual hair which isn’t feasible because the shower gel makes them stick together. Chest hairs are just be another place for food to get trapped. That’s possible because I sit at such a terrible angle when I eat.

The cut on my face is really annoying. I keep trying to clear away the excess scab but it keeps bleeding when I do. I was tempted to do one the other side and I could say I was doing a Joker. I don’t know who I would say that to, because nobody talks to me.

How did I spend my first day of my one week holiday? Doing flip all. I did stroll up to the marina but then I didn’t know where to go so I went back via the road. That’s got to be at least a four mile walk so I feel I am allowed to sit about like a lazy cunt for the rest of the day. I went through Seaclose Park and nobody was about so I had a go at walking with my eyes shut. I went for about 30 seconds when I felt the terrain change. I opened my eyes and I was perpendicular to the direction I was facing when I closed my eyes. I don’t know how I could have been so far off. Other highlights of my walk were seeing an old rusty boat and seeing a mad lady with a dog in a pram. One thing that confused me was seeing people sitting on moored boats. I don’t see what the point of that is.

I looked at buying a new computer today, because my current one is shit. Computers are from the future nowadays. One of them had two touchscreens and folded up like a book. That’s mental. I’m not sure what computer to get, because, despite using computers for most of my day, I know very little about their specs or how much memory and RAM I should get. I was looking at a touchscreen all-in-one PC (SONY VAIO VPCJ21M1E/B.CEK) because I can keep it plugged in all the time anyway and touchscreen seems to be the future. One problem is that I’m not sure if I will be able to balance it on my legs. The one I looked at is about 10kg, which would be equivalent to having two heavy babies on one’s lap. I put a shelf unit on my legs for a few minutes and it didn’t seem too heavy, but that might have weighed less than 10kg and the weight was spread out.

Another issue is the price. I don’t want to spend loads of money on a computer when I’m going to be hard-up at university soon. The job I have now pays £14,000 a year, which seems to give me quite a bit left over which I don’t understand. There must be something that I’m not paying for that normal people buy. I reckon I spend about £30 a week on food which I reckon is average, but quite high considering most nights I don’t have dinner. I really shouldn’t have moved from home because I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing when it comes to living alone. I’ve survived, though, and I’m not too unhealthy, so maybe I am a robot. I went through a metal scanner at the airshow the other day and I was a bit disappointed the metal in my ankle didn’t set it off.

I’ve decided to stop checking Amazon KDP every few hours to see how many books I’ve sold because Rob will inform me whenever he convinces someone to buy one. I’ve sold 3 so far. I bet Hitler didn’t have this problem when he was selling Mein Kampf. For every copy sold, I will kill 10 Jews. Will that make you cunts buy it?

A girl asked me out today. I sighed and said OK and just carried on walking. If every girl who said they wanted to go out with me actually did, I wouldn’t cry myself to sleep every night. I had gone out to get dinner but instead bought two Peperamis, some cookies and some juice. I had a cut on my face that looked like food. I was going to get a kebab but I got a pizza yesterday so I didn’t want to get two fast food meals in a row because that’s unhealthy, as opposed to Peperami and cookies for dinner.

I went out at about 10 and just went to Sainsbury’s as if on autopilot. I got some cookies and bananas and ate them on my bench. I went home and then got drunk and then went out again. I went to the bench again. Then I went to the park via climbing over a fence from a graveyard. I did a wee in some trees and then I had a lay down on some grass. I thought of going to some jazz events that are on this weekend, but I didn’t. I do like some jazz, but I don’t like live music because it’s much better to be at home in comfort when listening to music.

I went home but then went to the graveyard again and annoyed some bees with a long piece of grass. I came home and played LFDT. Rob said I should do some on-line dating and I agreed. I shaved off my beard and almost gave myself a Glasgow smile in the process. I had almost finished but I just went in too quick and cut into my flesh. I didn’t even cry. Cutting oneself comes with the territory of shaving using a straight razor without lube like a fucking idiot.