Diary

I had no work to do until about 4 when I had to try to finish something by the end of the day. I managed it. I went home and played Assassin’s Creed. I heard the ending is really good but I don’t think I’ll understand it because I’m already struggling. It seems I’m meant to be collecting books and CDs while trying to fight two armies when one army has someone I know on their team. Metro 2033 had a good story with lots of enemies but that one made sense mostly. Maybe I’m just not as intelligent as I thought. I cleaned my glasses because they were all dusty and stuff.

I had some pâté sandwiches today. I like  pâté  because you get the taste of meat without having to chew.

Nothing happened today. I had to fill in my timesheet from the start of this month. I didn’t know what I had done that far back so I just guessed with vague language. At lunch, an older lady let me go in front of her when I was buying my crisps and she said that she couldn’t rush because she was old and I said she wasn’t that old. She definitely fancied me.

Greetings, earthlings. I got some Fruit Pastilles today. The packaging said 3 for £1.00. I wondered if it meant three packets of or just one packet with three tubes in. I decided it wouldn’t make sense if it was three tubes in one packet because that is just one item, as indicated by the multipack warning on the back, but that is apparently what it meant. That is misleading. I also don’t like how things are divided into arbitrarily small servings. I can’t imagine anyone eating only seven Fruit Pastilles and then saving the rest of the packet for later. In the case of sweets, there aren’t really servings anyway. Most probably, 7 pastilles aren’t placed onto plate and eaten consecutively.

I saw a car hit a small bollard today. It bent the front bumper of the car and then went between the bumper and the car. Then the lady, obviously, reversed and the bollard pulled the front bumper off. I felt I should do something, but then thought to myself that there was nothing I could do but laugh. I laughed inside.

I was eating biscuits at work which had all melted and I noticed I had got chocolate on my shirt so I went to the toilet to wash it off. While in the toilet, I noticed I also had chocolate on my elbow. That’s why I try not to eat things. I did have 2 pork and liver pâté sandwiches for dinner, though. They were lovely.

I went on the hunt for the Slender Man today. I walked a couple of miles to the forest but I was too scared to go further in than a few metres.  The first clip is taken from a longer piece that wasn’t very good. In the second clip I visit a graveyard and say Enderman. I had intended to do a bit where I spoke to the dead but I didn’t want to stay about there long. I’m not sure if I was afraid of the supernatural or of badmen.

I bought some food for breakfast and lunch but not even I care anymore. I saw on MSN News that Syria are doing a civil war. It was right next to the news that someone was trying to chat someone else up in Coronation Street. That is the lack of respect that MSN has for all the dead innocents in Syria. It’s disgusting. The civil war might result in a division of Syria into separate countries. Surely they can’t by Syrias? It’s very easy to make jokes about people dying when they’re far away.  I need to buy a stamp to send my passport to the student loans people so I might get a few and send some letters to various Middle-Eastern embassies to see if I can defuse the situation. I don’t actually know what’s going on down there so I might make the situation worse, but it’s worth a try. If that doesn’t work , I’ll get in touch with the UN to see if I can get an airstrike ordered on all the baddies. The World would be a better place if I was everyone.

I had a breakfast of three pâté sandwiches. One of them had crusts from the old loaf. They filled me up. I went out to get some toilet paper and got some Pepper MD while I was at it. I wasted my day.

I uploaded a song by the Jackson 6 to YouTube.

I went to bed at 10 last night because I was tired.

I had a plain day today. I went out and bought a pork pie for breakfast from Morrisons, then I went to Sainsbury’s. There were lots of people about and I wondered why. Then I thought it was probably the Olympic torch relay and I saw a sign that said it was. I thought I might stay and watch but I remembered I have no interest whatsoever so I didn’t. I got some ginger beer from Sainsbury’s. I think it’s good how they make beer especially for ginger people. I thought I would take my ginger beer home and then go out again because there might be girls about. I got a bit drunk with my vodka which I still have but then I was just tired so I stayed in. I went out later though to get some bread and some chunky Belgian chocolate short bread things.

I set up my TV and played ACR today. No disrespect to the multicultural team who created it, but it’s a bit boring. Maybe I just wasn’t in the mood. It is addictive, though.

Yesterday on the train, I came up with the idea for a book or film where somehow evolution is making humans unable to procreate in order to save the World from destruction. I thought it would be an interesting idea until I realised why the concept was flawed.

Yesterday, I saw quite a funny shop run by some antagonistic Asians:

I wonder if the food there is as tasty as the kebab shop I went to the other day:

I got up at 5:10 today. I had a read a bit of The Second Book of General Ignorance (ISBN: 4) last night and realised how much difficulty I have reading. I think I just skim read everything, which makes reading all of Stephen Fry’s words in the preface nigh on impossible. My alarm woke me at 5 but I decided to give myself a few more minutes of sleep so I changed the alarm to 5:10. I had a dream about a ferry tipping over. As I was going on a ferry later I was slightly worried, but no more worried than usual that the ferry might tip over. The worst bit would be getting my phone wet.

At Southampton, there was a shop front that looked like a guitar combo amplifier. On the train, I read that I could buy a mosquito net for £5.00. Just enough to buy a sandwich. I wondered what kind of gold-plated sandwich that would be. I later found out it was foot long hotdog that costs £5.00.

After navigating the poor signposting, I got to Farnborough Airshow and it was a massive con. A lot of the space for air was taken up by planes. I didn’t come here to look at planes; I came here to look at and maybe talk to some girls. On the way to the EDT stall, I saw the Airbus A380. It wasn’t as big as I had imagined. I think I heard that you could fit the entire population of China under the wings and I wasn’t that impressed because the Chinese are only small. It’s not true, though. I reached the EDT stall and saw the other person on the scheme. I recognised him and he said we were both at the National Grid day. He had got the job. I didn’t mind too much because I reckon it’s better where I ended up. I changed in to my EDT shirt. I was a bit worried about taking my shirt off because I didn’t know if I was expected to do it there or not. I did anyway and nobody seemed to mind. There was meant to be a a girl coming but she didn’t come so I was disappointed. I was going to try to chat her up.

I helped out a bit on the stall showing little kids what to do with the hydraulic hand. They had to lift a cup using a wooden arm controlled by syringes full of liquid. There were quite a few girls coming to the stall, but they were all just years 7s and stuff.  I did accidentally get water on one of them and couldn’t help but notice she had very large breasts. Niiiiiice. My break came so I had a look about. I saw a Vertibird like off of Fallout and all sorts of other aircraft. I saw someone with a fake goatee and wanted one to put over my real beard but I couldn’t find where they were being given out. I walked about a bit more and saw one of my old teachers so I spoke to him for a bit. He told me I had my keyboard to collect at school. I saw a few people in the air cadets. A few of them looked to fat to fly a plane. I went to do a wee and the toilet room was massive. It was a bout four metres wide with about 20 urinals on each side.

I went back to the stall and helped a bit more. The other lad kept looking at the planes. They’re only planes and they’re all pretty much the same. They got the Airbus A380 out and it was banking pretty heavily. Then a small girl came up to the stall and told me her name. I recognised her name and then the EDT man made it apparent it was the girl who was meant to be helping that day. She only came up to my shoulder. She was pretty. I spoke to her a bit and she didn’t seem to hate me, which is always a good start. Then the other guy started talking to her so I thought I’d lost my chance to make a good first impression.

Then she, the other one and me went out to look at plane displays. They were walking together and I was following behind. I got to look at her cute bum. I spoke to her a few times later and I made her laugh a few times. She was even laughing at stuff which didn’t seem that funny, like when the Vertibird took off I said that I’d only be impressed if it went upside-down. We went on a tour of some American planes and a captain took us round. At the end, I asked him why his captain badge was oriented the way it because I thought the thicker bars were meant to be vertical, and he said he didn’t really know which way up it went. That’s an American. At the end, I said to Yasmin Kebab, which isn’t her real name to protect her identity, and Wilson Watson, which isn’t his real name because I don’t know it as I didn’t want to have sex with him, that you could almost forgive the man for probably killing lots of Iraqi civilians. They didn’t like the political stuff and laughed awkwardly.

We looked at some more planes and then the time came to leave. I had to hand my shirt back and it had got sweaty. Maybe I was expected to wear a vest under it. I asked if anyone fancied a pint but they both said no. We went to the shuttle buses and then Wilson left to queue up for a bus to his station so I was finally alone with Yasmin. Alone in a crowd of loads of people. We were both going back to the same station. I told her I would probably just walk and asked her if she wanted to come and she said she did so we both walked and talked for about 20 minutes. We got to the station and I asked if she wanted me to wait with her because we were going different directions. She said she’d be fine so went to the other platform. I regret not asking for her number or just slapping her arse as we parted ways.

I had to get a train form Basingstoke so I went to Basingstoke and then went to Southampton. The train went past St Denys and whenever the robot train lady said it, I thought of St Delyn which made me really want to play Morrowind. I saw the backs of some houses form the train. It reminds me of something but I don’t know exactly what. I got to Southampton and rang my Mum to ask her to pick up my keyboard next week. I had the feeling I was going in entirely the wrong direction and when I looked at my phone compass, I noticed I was heading north so I turned round. I rang Rob because I was bored. While on the phone to him, a man pretended to shoot me with an invisible gun. Because Rob, was on the phone, I had backup so I told him to fuck off in an aggressive way but then smiled to show I was joking because he had about 10 other people with him and I didn’t want to have to beat them all up. One man said to me “Lydon, you’ve been shot.” I’m fairly sure he called me Lydon, but pronounced like John Lydon. It was only tomorrow that I realised he might have said “lie down”, which makes me feel a lot better. Rob said he was about have dinner and said he’d ring back, but he didn’t because he’s a cunt.

I checked the ferry timetable and one had just gone so I had to wait another hour for the next. A man came up to me and asked for 60p. A bit later, and older and much sadder man asked for 50p. I went to Tesco and bought a multi-pack of six bags for a pound and some cream soda. I sat on a bench and tried to beat Stewart Lee’s granddad’s record of eating 4 packets of crisps in a day. I had 5, but then started to feel guilty because the old homeless man was begging for fifty pences nearby and I was just eating crisps in front of him. I offered him some crisps and then he asked if I had 50p again and I said no and then I offered him the crisps again and he took them. I still felt bad because I could have given him a ten pound note and it wouldn’t have affect me that much but he could have bought 60 packets of crisps with it. I thought even worse when I thought he would be begging while eating crisps. Nobody would believe he was actually poor.

When I got back to Newport, I felt really weird. I was confused about the man knowing my name earlier and I though the bus driver had asked me what I was on. I started to think that the whole World was in my mind. A bit later, I decided I was probably just tired and would be OK in the morning. I also thought that maybe so many things had happened compared to my normal day that my mind just couldn’t handle it. Overall, though, it was a good day, especially considering it was Friday the 13th.

I was thirsty so I got a can of cherry Vimto for breakfast. I had to try to finish some work by the end of today. I didn’t manage it because some questions needed answering. There was a bit of time where I had nothing to do so I was looking at my hands. I noticed a really long hair standing alone on my knuckle. It was over 1 centimetre long. I listened to a lot of garage music today. One song was about a man apologising for sleeping with his girlfriend’s best friend, but it sounded more like bragging to me. My favourite garage artist is DJ Pied Piper because it seems like a bold choice to name yourself after a child abductor. My second favourite garage artist is DJ Myra Hindley. MC Ian Huntley rates pretty highly too.

I was dripping wet on my way home from work. It was my own wet shirt that turned me on. I hadn’t brought a coat and it was raining quite heavily on my way home. I was only slightly wetter than if I had been sweating, though.

I’m seriously considering getting a new computer because I can’t get my monitor working properly without it crashing. As it is, it’s in a slightly lower resolution than the screen’s actual size so everything is slightly blurry. Also, there are blue or red lines running across my screen and scrolling is jagged. Here is an example:

Early night tonight for me for my trip tomorrow. I’ve got to be up at 5. I’m going to see some planes or some shit at Farnborough and talk about this scheme I’m on. There’s really not that much to say, but they said they’d pay the expenses so it’s just a day out for me. There might be girls there too.

I did a couple of remixes of some Aphex Twin tracks. They’re not really remixes because I’ve just made them a bit longer, but they might interest you if you like that sort of thing.

I sprained my ankle today by stepping on the side of my foot. You’d think that after ten or so years of walking, I would be able to do it by now. I had to limp slightly the rest of the way to work. I bought two banana milkshakes, a chicken and bacon slice, and a slice that was in the A-Team – George Peppered steak. The chicken made me feel a bit sick. I had to go to Vestas. I didn’t want to though because I felt sick. I didn’t feel so bad after the walk there, but I sweated a lot on the way back and I felt hot and terrible.

Why did they put the most evil man in charge of Hell? If he wanted to, the Devil could just let everyone go. It’s like letting Peter Sutcliffe run the prison system. Another thing I don’t get is when people say that we shouldn’t use capital punishment for murderers because that makes us no better than them. Similarly, it would stand to reason that Fritzl should not have been imprisoned because that makes whoever made that decision no better than him. He should have just got a fine and been sent on his way.

I recorded myself playing Slender today. It’s painful to watch because of the three or so frames per second and the whirring of my fan. I’ll do a better job next time. Slender should be called Return To S(l)ender because that’s what I wanted to do after I played it. If I made a game, the first thing I would do is create a save system. I would do that even before I knew what the game was. That’s how highly I value saves. I saved over 3,000 times on Fallout 3.

I think my computer has a virus. Last week sometime, I was playing Minecraft and tried to open someone’s owned chest. About a minute later, my screen started flashing on and off and I had to delete and reinstall some drivers. I just put it down to a stray byte but it happened again today. I think it might just be time to get a new computer. This one’s been about for probably 6 years. It’s seen quite a bit of porn for a 6-year-old. Some people actually brag about how much porn they’ve watched which just seems weird to me.

I see that tigers and crocodiles have been eating bits of people lately. That’s why people shouldn’t  mix with Khajiit or Argonians. That Redguard in Miami was eating someone a few weeks ago as well. The World’s a crazy place. Lucky it’s going to end in December.

At work I got a score of 13,806,000 on Space Cadet Pinball. That’s going to take some beating. I haven’t had much to do today. At lunch I bought some hazlenut Galazy and a chicken and bacon slice. I thought my chicken allergy might be a mental thing so I risked it and I was mostly fine. I had a bit of indigestion but nothing conclusive.

After work I got some barbecue crisps from Morrisons. I also got some Dr. Pepper. Unfortunately, as I was lifting the Dr. Pepper, it slipped from my hand and hit a little girl in a pushchair on her head. It either knocked her out or killed her. I just ran but I slipped on a spillage, making the corner of the crisp packet go in my eye which half-blinded me. I got back up but slipped again and lost the vision in my other eye. I kept running but obviously kept bumping into things. I think at one point I knocked over some cans and entombed a frail old man in their avalanche. I could feel my head filling up with blood and the albumen stuff from my eyes. Soon after, I passed out and woke up in hospital. That’s the worst that could happen.

I’ve done a lot of stuff I needed to do. I e-mailed my boss about holidays. apparently, I have 17.5 days off and until September to take them. I thought it was two weeks and a half off until I actually thought about it and realised it’s three and a half weeks. I’m not sure I really deserve a holiday. I’ve done some good work here, but when you think that today I played enough pinball to get a high score, I don’t seem like such a good employee. Last night, I finished my student loan application and today I e-mailed my Mum to ask her to fill in some information. I’m not sure about the etiquette of e-mailing my Mum. I went for quite a formal approach in the end, but starting with just a “Hello”. I think that’s right.

I had the job of changing some of the details on the most poorly designed site ever – nickymoore.com. See if you can spot where I’ve tried to loop backgrounds and where I’ve tried to airbrush a picture using the MS Paint spraycan tool. Hopefully I’ll get the job of redoing the site because I can get £100 for that. Think of all the pâté I could buy with that, and then double it, because that’s how much pâté I would get.

I thought I would take Sainsbury’s up on there 2 Monsters for two pounds offer. Of course, this is the week they decided to stop that offer, so I got a pineapple, banana and coconut smoothie for two pounds. I couldn’t taste the coconut. I’m not sure I wanted to though, because just the pineapple and banana didn’t really go together. It was nice, but I can’t help but think it would have been tastier if the fruits were separate, just like society should be. I think it would be better if everyone of a different religion was separate. Even better, everyone who believes in life after death should be killed. They have no reason to complain.

At about 12:30, Rushiq came in and asked where I was going to lunch. I told him and he asked me to get him something vegetarian. I said I was going at one but said I could go earlier. Then he suggested we went together so we did. I wish he was a woman, because he definitely fancies me. He is a bit like a woman; he took ages to choose what he wanted, just like a woman would; he thought he had the right to walk beside me, just like a woman would, and he recoiled when I tried to kiss him, just like a woman would. The other day he saw a Chinese man on the phone and laughed and said “look at that Chinese man on the phone”. I got two strawberry milkshakes and some Sensations Sweet Chilli crisps.

I got home and realised I needed a pound coin to do washing. I already had one but I needed two so I went shopping. I got a Sprite, a quiche, some bread, and some pâté. I’m an author now; I’m rich. Pâté is what we eat. I’m not so rich that I think 89p pâté is below me, though, and I’m not so rich that I wouldn’t steal it. I got two containers of pâté and tried to scan them in quick succession, thinking it would only let me scan the first and then I would have to put it in the bagging area. The machine beeped twice so I put the two containers pâté in my bag but only one came up on the machine. I thought it would come up later but it didn’t. I didn’t try to scan it again because I’m a bit of a geezer. I’m the bit of a geezer that steals duck and orange pâté.

I had some of that duck and orange pâté for dinner in two sandwiches. I had a bit on its own and I could really taste the orange, but I couldn’t taste it when it was in the sandwich.

My book is now available on the Amazon Web-site. I’m a proper author now. Not really though because it’s only an electronic-book, and not really because it’s not a proper book with a story. Still, it’s a good book and well worth £2.06. Amazon added 3% VAT. If you don’t buy it for the content, at least buy it so you can see my cheerful face in your electronic-book libruary whenever you feel down. I’m actually charging for this because I put a lot of time into it. I should point out that the cartoons sections is terribly formatted. I can’t change that unfortunately. It’s still readable but just looks terrible.

Yesterday I was going to buy a pizza but decided it would be a better use of my money to buy proper food and some drink. Today, I just got a pizza. They’re still just £10.00 for a large one. I left two slices for tomorrow morning. I should have bought a drink as well because I was really thirsty and had to drink water like some sort of animal.

I didn’t have any food or drink today until about 5 when I went to Morrisons. I got 4 pork pies, some Sprite, some marshmallows and some fudge. I used a bag.

I finished my book today. I had it all laid out nicely but Amazon KDP applies weird formatting to it all so I have to rearrange it all. I don’t know how long this will take, because I don’t know exactly what it’s doing.

I got really bored of having to listen to my own music over and over again because I need to be careful with my bandwidth so I listened to Stone In  Focus on repeat 18 times. That’s three hours of an already very repetitive track.

I set a new high score on Pinball today – 8,752,250. I also set a new high score for doing it one handed while eating a pork pie – 5,432,750. I didn’t think to redefine the controls so I had to stretch my hand out full span. I was a bit annoyed I lasted so long.

I had yesterday’s pork pie for breakfast. It was soft. I wondered if it was because I had left it unrefrigerated or because it was from Lidl. It was nice whatever the reason. I got a bacon and sausage bap for lunch, but then I went out again thought I may as well use up my change. I got a banana and strawberry milkshake, a Flumps and a strawberry Refresher bar.

One thing that has annoyed me in this new place is the bathroom light. It’s motion-activated but also lack-of-motion-deactivated. Other than my bowels, I don’t do much movement on the toilet, so the light goes off unless I wave my arms about every 30 seconds or so.

I had a quiche for dinner. I guessed it should be microwaved for 4 minutes, and that seemed to do the trick. I was a bit worried because I hadn’t kept it refrigerated, but I should be fine. I had some cheese as well. I noticed it was starting to get a liquid on it and it was really greasy. I wondered if it was because I hadn’t put it in the fridge. The cheese tasted OK, but cheese on its own isn’t particularly nice anyway.

The 14-year-old girl I’ve been grooming said that she wanted me to have sex with her today. I didn’t want to take her virginity because she was so young, so I did the gentlemanly thing; I had anal sex with her. She was crying and begging me to stop but I told her it was for her own good. I told her I loved her afterwards but she just curled up into a ball sobbing so I think I might have done something wrong. In reality, the little cocktease said she didn’t want to meet me. It’s for the best really because it did feel a bit weird, though talking to girls of any age feels weird to me. I need to get out more.

They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I proved them wrong. I went to Vestas today to do a bit of work. They have a moat around their building. It’s  not got water in, but you still have to cross a bridge to get to reception. I had a lunch of jacket potato and chilli. I didn’t think I liked jacket potatoes because of the skin, but it was a choice between potato or rice, and I don’t like rice much so I lumped for potato. The skin was the tastiest part, and the chilli wasn’t bad either. It was almost healthy, and by that I mean it didn’t contain all my RDA of something in one sitting. It was nice to have a warm meal. I’ve been getting lax lately. It’s not laziness that stops me from cooking food, it’s the fact that I might have to talk to someone.

Rushiq from off of work was talking about pubs and food places in Newport so I got his hints and asked him out on a date. I regretted it because we have nothing to really talk about; he is 30-year-old Indian man and I am a 19-year-old English man/boy. We are as different as our age and culture differences would suggest. I said he should invite the new guy who is also Indian so they could talk about curry and Bollywood while I cry into my pint. We decided to go to McD’s when he had finished work. I don’t know why it’s called MC Donald’s because nobody ever does a  rap in there.

I finished at 5 and went to Lidl on the way home, forgetting we were going to McD’s. I don’t like Lidl because I feel like scum in there. Actually, I feel like royalty compared to the scum in there. I also don’t like the way the price is written above or below the food in different places within the shop. I got a Pork Farms pound pork pie and some pretzels for 7?p. I didn’t think I like pretzels, and I still don’t really. I met Rushiq at McD’s. The queue was long and while we were there, Vamsi or some shit joined the back of the queue.  I asked if there double burger existed. It was just a cheeseburger without the cheese.  Rushiq proved there is such a thing as a free dinner and paid for me. He also let me have some of his chips. I hadn’t introduced myself to Vamsi or whatever he is called at work because, if you remember, I hate all people. He seems nice enough, though. After McD’s, we went to the pub next door. Rushiq paid again. I do offer to pay, but he doesn’t seem to mind. I had a Strongbow. I was quite thirsty so I was looking forward to it. The first sip wasn’t too bad, but all those after it weren’t as nice. Then we went to the Price of Wales, as I call it. I had a shot of vodka. Rushiq paid again. Then we left and Vamsi or something said he was going home. He did have two bags of shopping which must have been annoying. Rushiq and I decided to call it an evening too at about 7. I gave him a peck on the cheek and we went our separate ways.

I realised I am breaking the EU directive on cookies by not displaying a notice on the site. Here’s your notice: Fuck you, EU Nazis. I might go down for this. I’m like a Wild West outlaw or something.

I tried to type the word fat today but it came out as gay because a couple of my fingers were calibrated too far to the right. I’ve sorted it out now, but I think my fingers might be aiming too far to the left now. I should be fine as along as I don’t have to write about the French commune of Vimy.

I got some OJ (orange juice) and pork pies for breakfast. The smaller pork pies tend to be crunchier because they have a lower meat-crust ratio so they’re not as nice. I got some banana Frijj for lunch.

I went to Morrison’s to buy food and drink. I got some flapjacks. Then I went to get some ready meals. I just got a quiche for 83p.  I went to get drinks next. I passed some Sprite for a pound but thought I’d have a look at their even cheaper drinks. I laughed when I saw cola for 17p. I had to buy it just to see if it was disgusting. It’s not that bad. I got some Sprite as well, though. I was happy because it all came to a nice square four pounds. Any number that is a square number of pounds is also a square number of pence. I like that.

What was the name of the virus whose outbreak in 1968 and 1969 killed an estimated one million people worldwide by martial arts? Hong Kong Flooey. I’m glad all those people died so I can tell that joke. I actually wish more people had died so Hong Kong Flu was more well known, because I’d never heard of it before.

iTunes opened today because I was charging my phone through my laptop which I tend not to do because it takes longer. I see Stone Roses have got a greatest hits album out. In other words, they’re re-releasing their first album. Maroon 5 have got some new music out. I like their African tribute band, Cameroon 5 with their song “Moves like Gagger” about how the residents of their little village can recognise when someone’s about to be sick because that means a free meal.

Why is the fiddler crab called such? Well, have you seen its right arm? That is too good a joke for it to be original.

With all this news about Jimmy Carr, I realised that he is actually a real person. I always was thought he was just a character played by Jim Carrey. It makes more sense that I know he’s real because they look nothing like each other. It’s obvious now I think about it. At least I can speak in a Jimmy Carr accent. “Hey, rudeboy. I and I be from Jamaica an’ ting. Bumbaclot badman.”

I was thinking about writing a comic about the emo version of Spiderman called Suispiderman. He slits his wrists to make webs of blood come out and swings about the city in a noose. I haven’t really developed the idea.

I see they think they’ve discover the new Higgs Bosom particle, which apparently looks like two regular particles touching each other but with two smaller particles sticking out from the surface of the larger particles. What I want to know is how many of these God particles will it take to construct God? It doesn’t matter anyway, because the whole LHC thing is just a cover for the massive Halo being built underground in case the galaxy needs to be cleared of the Flood.

Eric Skyes has died. His name is an anagram of cerise skys, which is quite nice.

I had some orange juice in the morning. I listened to Corvo Branco by Philip Glass. That’s an opera which makes me sophisticated. I quite liked it. When lunch came, I only had a 20 pound note so I went on a bit of a spree. I bought some Sensations crisps for a pound, two packs of Oreos for a pound and some Strawberry Frijj for £1.54.

I was annoyed to see that two jokes that I had thought of were on the Sickipedia top ten of today page, so I decided I had to finish my book soon. Unfortunately, there’s a whole chapter that I’m not happy with so I’m re-writing it. It’s quite satisfying, though.

Snowboarder Nelson Pratt was found dead with a noose around his neck. He got some major hang time there.

I decided to see if Tramadol Nights was really as offensive as people seemed. On the whole, it was fairly average, but there were some good bits, as well as several bits that didn’t really go anywhere. There were some bits that I was surprised he got away with. I thought I might have a go at trying to court some controversy so here is a routine from the deleted scenes of the Tramadol Nights DVD.

I was watching one of the 4od adverts with the sound off. It was for a film. To clarify, the advert was for a film; My watching of it wasn’t being recorded for a drama about the modern day elephant man. I was thinking that a film is good if you can watch it from start to finish with the sound off and still enjoy it. So many films these days place an importance on dialogue, when everyone knows the secret to making a film is explosions and topless ladies, or even better, topless ladies exploding.

I was running a bit late this morning so I stopped off at Spar. I got two pineapple juices and some sweet chilli Sensations for. Both Tony and Richard were there. Richard soon left and Tony stayed for most of the day. When I first joined, there were 3 other people in the office, but at the end of today, I sat there alone. I wondered if people hate me as much as I think they probably do, or it’s just a coincidence. I’m sure it’s coincidence. It must be. I got some breakaway bars for lunch. They’re fairly basic chocolate with biscuit in, but they’re nice enough for the price of 8 for a pound.

Combat Rock by the Clash – Bit boring. I like the Lock The Taskbar song, though.
Modal Soul by Nu “I can’t drive” jabes – Not bad. Bit boring, though.
I also listened to “Hey You” by the Rocksteady Crew about 24 times today. I got the repeat counter up to 23, and I’d listened to it a few times before that, but it really started to get annoying after that. I feel that gives me the right to rate it as if it were an album. Good but repetitive.

I went to bed quite late last night because I was busy doing fuck all. Doing things, even if it is just something on the computer, makes me tired, so it seems I only go to bed late on nights where I’ve got nothing to do. I came up with the idea for a film called  Shelfshifters about an alien race that transform into shelves and other furniture as a disguise. It’s a good idea because if I saw a chest of drawers coming at me, I wouldn’t know what the fuck was going on. Even if I realised I had to defend myself, I have no idea how I would defend myself from some drawers. There could be a big fight scene with a cupboard and it’s doors are swinging about smashing people in the face while people go at it with screwdrivers. It would be better as a parody of rubbish movie premises in a sketch show, but I have chosen to present it as if it is a good idea.

I did some stuff today. I had a pork pie with an egg in it for breakfast/lunch/dinner. I realised I haven’t eaten bread in over a month. Today was possibly the most boring day I have ever had.

I had some Web-site stuff to do and yesterday’s diary to write so I went on the laptop when I got up which was at about 10. I think I get cold at night with just a togless duvet cover over me so I might buy a duvet. I still don’t need pillows though because I’ve got a nice big jumper.  When I had finished that it was half twelve so I had a couple of mix-in-the-stomach cocktails of a mouthful vodka followed with a mouthful of cloudy lemonade. I tried to mix them in another bottle but I just ended up with some bad-tasting lemonade.

I went out and I decided I was at just the right level of drunkenness, which is as drunk as possible while still being in pretty much full control.  I went to get breakfast at Morrison’s I decided to get the biggest pork pie there which cost £1.69. Not only square, but also the sum of a square and a funny number. The queue was long but I didn’t have much choice and I was drunk so it was fun. I saw a young lad and a young lass go to one but then to another. I went to the one they had moved from and it said “please take your bags”. I pushed down the bagging area to try to reset it or something and then the lad casually suggested that I should try punching it, so I performed a fairly forceful downcut on the bagging area. That didn’t work so I just got the lady and she fixed the machine.

I went to a bench which doesn’t have a Greek letter inscribed on it like the others do so I don’t know what it’s called. I ate my pork pie and I was very happy for a bit. Then I started to just go back to indifference. I still wasn’t drunk enough to approach girls. I went home and turned on my laptop. I signed up for a free dating site like a Jew. I went on Omegle as well. I had a few boring conversations and then I had one with a girl. Turns out, she’s from Blackgang. I think that’s what she said; she might have been actually telling me she was a member of the Crips. Blackgang’s just a three hour walk away, or 30 minutes or so on a bus. There’s just one little problem. Well, other than the fact I’m an ugly freak with borderline mental retardation, she’s 14. I joke about being a nonce quite a bit, but I don’t know what I should do in this situation. It’s a moot point because I doubt she’d be actually interested in me anyway. If I’m lucky, though, I can go on a date with her and for a short space of time I can pretend I have a girlfriend. She might even let me hold her hand.

I was hungry so I went out to buy some dinner. I wanted some bacon, so that’s what I got. I noticed some cooking bacon for 99p. This was some heavy-duty shit, not like that pussy stuff that you eat. The fact that it was cooking bacon implies that the other bacon is meant to just be eaten out the packet, which I don’t advise. I got some barbecue sauce to go with it. I got home and did about half the pasta I had left. I cut up some cheese and put it in the water with the pasta to make cheese sauce. Though this did give it a small bit of flavour, I had a nigger of a job trying to wash the pot afterwards. I didn’t realise just how thick the bacon was until I came to cook it. I wondered if it was actually able to be fried, and I had the idea of looking on the packet. Normally, I just judge how long things should cook for by sight or feel, or by applying a random coefficient if I microwave oven food. I timed the pasta and bacon surprisingly well, and they were both ready at roughly the same time. I ate it, and it was nice. To recap: Get pasta, cheese, industrial-size bacon and barbecue sauce. Cook the pasta with the cheese and cook the bacon separately. You don’t need oil if you forgot to get some. Put it all on a plate with the sauce.

I went out again to get some drinks. I got some 14-up from Sainsbury’s because they were on offer. I didn’t get a bag, but I really wished I had, because there’s no way to carry two two-litre bottles without deforming your hands into unnatural positions. It was worth it, though.

I had some orange juice and pork pies for breakfast. While I was in the shop, there was an old woman in a wheelchair with her tongue sticking out and it sounded like she was going “wassup?” I thought of doing it back to her but I concluded that would be in bad taste. I had no work to do today. I went to lunch.  I got two litres of pineapple juice for two pounds. I thought I could turn it into an experiment to see if it really does change the taste of my semen. I risked having 270% of my RDA of sugar in pineapple juice alone in the name of science. The result? Pineapple juice does not make semen taste like pineapples. If I had had courage I would have asked for a second opinion from some street slags but I can’t talk to girls.  I wondered if maybe it affected the taste of other bodily fluids. I tried my sweat and that was just salty, and I didn’t even bother trying my piss because that is just too far even for me. I can conclude that what you eat does not affect the taste of what comes from you, though it did make me shit a whole pineapple.

The Last Resort by Trentmøller – OK. 
Project 56 by The Deadmau 5 – How could it take 5 people to do this? Not bad, though. It reminds me of something I would do with lots of songs which aren’t actually bad, but have nothing memorable about them

I got some pork pies for breakfast. I did no work all morning. I got some cheese and cream crisps for lunch. My Dad told me it was Thursday. I thought it was Wednesday. I did no work all afternoon. I made a Klein bottle in Catia. Stuff like that scares me in a way. It’s similar to the way that you can’t move faster than a mirror can see you. That used to worry me when I was younger. I listened to Time Out by The Dave Brubeck Quartet and Aquemini by Outkast today. Aquemini was average, but Time Out was good.

I went shopping today. I thought I should buy an actual meal for dinner. I decided to buy pasta because I think that is healthy. I bought some tuna to go with it because I know how to cook it, and some cheese to liven it up. I thought that tuna was cheap, but it’s a pound for a little tin. I won’t be buying that again. I got some raspberry lemonade too. I didn’t get a bag because the tuna and cheese fit in my pocket. I did something and then had a couple of mouthfuls of vodka and then went out. Nothing happened. I came home and then did something else. I started doing dinner at about half ten. I used half the bag of pasta which looked too much as soon as I had poured it into the water. I added the tuna but I didn’t want my cheese to get wet so I left that out. It took ages to cook. I noticed that the water wasn’t going and then I realised I could just drain the water away. Before when I had done pasta, it always had sauce so I didn’t want to waste it, meaning I either had really runny sauce, or that the pasta absorbed all the water. A man who looks like an old Neil Morrissey told me where the strainer was. The meal itself was bland. I tried to fit as much pasta in my mouth with as little cheese as possible because the cheese was the only thing with taste. The tuna just fell apart into tiny pieces. I got about halfway and was just really struggling, but I ate most of it in the end. There was no point in eating it for the sake of it. I might try to do a better pasta meal tomorrow. That’s something to look forward to reading about, isn’t it?

I woke up at 7:30. I was tired, but I had to write my dream down. I was awake enough to get up after this. I decided that it was a better idea to shower after work when there’s no rush and when I’ve actually got a need. I generally don’t get dirty when sleeping. As I had woken so early, I decided to go to Morrison’s to buy my breakfast. They didn’t have any pork pies at a good price, so I just got some pineapple and apple juice. It was much better than the pine, apple and apple juice I had the other day.

At lunch, I wanted something meaty (not like that), but, once again, nothing was at a good price, so I got a banana milkshake and some BBQ beef Hula Hoops. I once came up with the idea that Hula Hoops were the dried foreskins from circumcisions, but I was saddened to see that someone had already thought that up. Iain (Ian) needed something on a memory stick so he threw the stick to me with no warning. I caught it. I hate being thrown things because I don’t trust myself to catch them. At school when I was working with the IT guys for my course, one of them was about a metre away from me and threw a computer to me. I caught it, which was lucky.

On the way home from work, I saw a yellow and red bird. I thought it was a kingfisher, because I know they are interestingly coloured but I couldn’t remember how, but I decided it was a woodpecker. I get them mixed up anyway because the words are similar. Sometimes if I need to remember the name of something,  I can remember how many letters are in the word and maybe what letter the word starts with. I sometimes play a game where I see a word and then try to modify that word so it is a multiple of five letters long. For example, “multiple” could become “multiplied”. I think I pay attention to words too much. My mind is like a supercomputer calculating pi to an unnecessary number of digits. It’s completely wasted. Everyone’s is, probably. Pi is interesting because its actual name is the letter used to represent it. The same is probably true of several other numbers. I think pi should be called circleference. I don’t actually think that, but if anyone tries to steal the name, I want people to know I came up with it first. I don’t want another foreskin Hula Hoops situation on my hands.

While researching the last bit, I found one of the strangest pages on the Internet. For those of you without Internet access, it is a fairly simple page with a list of mathematical constants, accompanied by a picture of a lady wearing a dress. She doesn’t have much in the way of breasts or hips, so maybe she is illustrating a constant figure. Whyever* she’s there, she gives me the creeps.

*Language evolves. This is now a word. So is eachother.

I’ve been wearing my watch lately and it’s a bit too big for my wrist. I’m apprehensive about adjusting the strap because taking out the springy bit is the sort of job you want to do while naked in a completely empty room for fear of losing it. I have a fear of being naked in an empty room ever since I had to stay the weekend at Uncle Fritzl’s.

I went out to get some dinner. I was going to get something healthy, but I couldn’t be bothered to cook it so I got a couple of BBQ rib Rustlers and three cans of blue Source Energy drink for a pound in total. On the way, I encountered some Spanialards, or at least they sounded like it. The chief Spanialard asked me to take a photo of his friends’ and his human pyramid. He only had four people with him so it was a shit two-tier pyramid. At least I got to see what a Spanialard  iPhone camera screen looked like. It was similar, but had some Spanish words on the HUD.

I got back and microwaved my Rustlers. I spoke to a few people. They seem nice, but it’s always the nice people who turn out to be the murderers. That’s why if you’re ever in a murder mystery, you should do some peripheral murders so nobody suspects you of the main murders. I met Fran walking about in underwear on the stairs. I was saddened to learn that Fran was actually a man. Fran has the room next to mine. At least now I know he’s not a woman, I don’t have to worry about masturbating too loudly. I’m always quiet as a dormouse when I engage in onanism anyway. I’m like an special forces agent of wanking. I’m silent; I often operate in high-risk situations; I always finish the job within minutes, and someone ends up dead by the time I’ve finished. Nobody suspects the man who jokes about murder of murder – especially after a double bluff.

Though I had meant to go to bed at 23, my computer had updates to install so I stayed up until about half past. How can there still be updates for XP? When the computer has shut down, I decided to use a jumper as pillow. It was all scratchy on my pretty-boy face so tomorrow I might use a shirt or a towel or something. I could just buy a pillow, but I’m not the Sultan of Brunei.

I got a pork pie on the way to work. It was about £1.30 because it wasn’t on offer, but I bought it anyway. I had Thai sweet chilli Sensations for lunch with a carton of pineapple juice and one of cranberry. I seem to remember liking cranberry, but it was too bitter. The pineapple was nice, though. That’s 10 of my five a day just in liquid form. Soon after leaving work, I needed a poo. I thought about going back, but I decided to soldier on. I realised I would need toilet paper, but I thought it would be embarrassing to have to buy toilet paper on its own. I thought about it and then decided it would be more embarrassing if I didn’t buy toilet paper, so I was going to go to Sainsbury’s but realised I didn’t have enough money with me. I went home to relieve my bladder and I didn’t need to poo as much. I went out again for toilet paper. I went to Spar and bought some luxury toilet paper rather than the cheap stuff they had. I went home, and then what happened is between the toilet and me (I had a shit).

I got an e-mail and it was addressed to Mister Pearsall. It doesn’t feel right to be addressed like that. I think e-mails should just be start with “hey, kid”, at least until I am a proper adult, if that time ever comes. In some ways I am a proper adult. My back aches like an old man after lifting a few bags yesterday.

I saw a discarded cigarette packet and initially thought it was a trading card. They could have used the pictures of tumours and cancer and made a trading card game for their cigarettes in order to make children buy them. I was thinking of giving smoking a try because I’ve never properly tried it and yet I’m quite critical of it. I tried to smoke some cannabus through a pen once but I just choked on the fumes of burning plastic. I have drawn what the Smoking TCG might look like. I don’t know how the game works or what the numbers mean, but I know Cancerhead is overpowered. It’s times like these that I wish I was able to draw.

I thought up of an idea for a film involving a man reminiscing about something but instead of the film recording the action of what happened, it just shows him telling the story for the length of the film. This would be a bold/foolish move. It would have to be done in one take for my artistic vision to be truly realised.

I have keys now so I’m currently using a paper clip as a keyring. In the words of Pokémon, it’s not very effective. I think I have a keyring on the USB stick I got from work. The USB stick stopped working soon after I got it.

I got a kebab for dinner. I had a 7-Up with it. Tomorrow, I might get a proper dinner like a microwave pizza or something.