Diary

The day of the big move. Well, the day of moving about 7 items about 2 minutes away. First, though, I had to go to work. There’s someone new working here who did the Year In Industry scheme three years ago. His name is Ian, and even though he is three years older than me, he looks like a slightly fatter, slightly younger version of me. He seems nice enough, so that’s where he and I differ. I don’t think Spar were doing their offer on Monster energy drinks so I had a banana milkshake. Calcium is energy enough for me. I got some cheese and onion crisps too. The man in the shop seemed like he knew me. All he knows about me is that I have a penchant for kids’ food, with the occasional foray into something an adult might consume like Monster or some normal milk. I had very little to do today so I just mucked about.

When work finished, I went back to Gary’s and asked if there was anything to do to help. He said I could disassemble my bed. I said I’d do it when I’d moved everything out. He then gave me 100 pounds to make up for what was stolen. Though I am happy I have my money, I don’t feel that justice has been served because Gary shouldn’t have to pay. I did the obligatory refusal to accept the money, with a genuine reluctance to take it, but I took it in the end because it was the easier option and I am a Jew.

I went out to sit on a bench. The day before while sitting on the same bench or the one next to it, some slags had come up to me asking for a pound. I was on the phone at the time and I just shook my head and mouthed sorry. They called me a cheap mother-fucker. How rude. Back to today, and I went to the place about 10 minutes early because I am impatient. I paced up and down quite a bit. I would like to know how far I have travelled by pacing. Once, when I was at a London train station which might have been Waterloo, I paced up and down the platform 9 times. I’m not sure about the reliability of that figure, because it just came instantly to me, and because I don’t know if that was nine times each way or both ways, or even which station it was. The point still stands that I pace about a lot. While outside my new home, I wondered if I should have actually met the man at his house – an idea which a few minutes earlier seemed absurd to me, but as 6 O’clock grew nearer, it made more and more sense. At five past 6 I rang Carl and he had just forgotten to come. He got there at 6:15 and then we sorted everything out. I had my new room.

I went back to Gary’s to get my stuff. The first batch of things were my two bags that I had brought from home on each visit, a carrier bag, and my laptop bag. I was sweating already and the shoulder on which the bags had rested ached. Maybe calcium isn’t enough energy for me. The second load of stuff to be moved was my suit and my suitcase. Then I just had my TV and Xbox to move. I took the Xbox first because I thought it would be easier. It was, even though the handles of the bag went thin because the Xbox was slightly too big for the width so I had to carry it with a hand under it and one on the handle, like you would a baby if a baby had handles. It would save a lot of trouble if babies did have handles. If I ever have a baby, I will tear out its spine and use that as a handle. I will be  a good Dad. Then the time came to move my TV. I was offered help, but help is for pussies, so I moved it all by myself. Next time you move, why not try carrying your possessions from your old home to your new home? It wasn’t really heavy though and the box had handles so it was fine. That was it. I had moved everything.

I went back to Gary’s to disassemble the bed. I struggled with some of the bolts until I realised they weren’t actually bolts and just those bits that bolts go into. Not nuts but like nuts with a groove in the side. You know? You’ve seen them. On the beds. Yeah? Alright. The last bolt proved problematic. I used the washer with another bolt through it for leverage and the bolt came undone. I was proud of my ingenuity, if not of my strength. I took the stuff down and a girl asked me what my plans for the rest of the day were. I said I was going to buy some bedding and a towel. She asked why I needed a towel. I said it was useful to get dry. Everyone laughed. I’m hilarious. I said my goodbyes and Gary hugged me. He said that he knew I didn’t like hugging people, but he still did it. I don’t mind hugging people, it’s just that I was very sweaty. After getting to my third base with Gary, I went to buy some stuff. I reckon I’ll miss the cats the most.

I went to Sainsbury’s and looked at the cheapest stuff on offer, cutting as many corners as possible. I decided I only needed a duvet cover and not an actual duvet, and I was going to go without a fitted sheet until I saw where they were. I thought about getting some pillows, but I thought I could go without. The duvet cover came with some cardboard pillows anyway. I bought a towel as well. I also got some shower gel. I saw a bottle for 30p, but there was a larger bottle for 80p, and I didn’t want to look cheap. I certainly didn’t. About 24 bloody pounds it cost me for all that stuff. I broke off one of my fingers and put it in the slot, because I am made of money. I was looking for a barcode on the towel, and then the checkout lady came and went to enter the code. She just put the towel on the scanner where all the shopping goes and I didn’t really want my towel going on there. She had to get someone to get a different towel with a barcode on anyway. I took a bag because I was carrying quite a bit.

I got home and had a much needed shower. The rules are that I have to clean the tiles and shower off with a squeegee. That seems a bit much, but I did it. Refreshed, I had a word with Kev who is in charge of wi-fi. He is apparently a professor of lasers or something. There can’t be that much to lasers. 7 pounds a month the wi-fi costs. It is so good to have an Internet connection at home, though. You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone, but that’s just not true. It’s a good as a saying, though. The bed here have too much give and has a metal frame. I don;t like the creakiness of it, and I had a metal bed at home and one of the central legs snapped off it. Wood is much better for beds, isn’t that right, Minecraft?

I noticed that whenever I try to copy the word “Gary” from Microsoft Word to WordPress, it loses the space before and after it. That’s very weird.

In other news, all the people here for the festival have gone. Newport’s back to the way it’s always been. I hate it when people come to my town for such a short space of time and think they own the place.

I wondered today if children shower. I didn’t think they did, but I saw on some forums that they do. I can’t remember when I first showered, but I was probably about 13. I really smelled because I’d never had a bath before either.

I went to bed at about 23 PM at night because I was rather tired. Goodnight.

I woke up with a bit of a headache but nothing too bad. I slept a bit more and it went. I got up at about 11. I realised that there was a bit of sick on my trousers. The worst part is that I might not have an opportunity to wash them for a while. Gary was downstairs and asked if I was feeling better after last night and I said yes. I got some basics sausage rolls and basics orange juice. I still have the vodka beside my bed but the thought of drinking it makes me feel sick. A little while later, I had a mouthful and out I went. After bout 20 minutes, I decided it wasn’t enough to get drunk. I went to the kebab shop just to buy a drink, but the thought of a warm meal convinced me to buy a kebab. It came to £4.70. I put the extra 30p in the tips jar because they normally give reasonable service. They also have a charity jar, so I actually felt bad about giving them the tip rather than giving the money to charity. Though to be honest, the Greeks or whatever in the kebab shop could do with all the money they can get their grubby kebab hands on.

I went out in the hope that I might talk to some girls. I realised it would only happen if I was drunk. I rang up Carl and he showed me round the house. I learnt that I would need to buy some bedding and toilet paper, as well as food. The room has a double bed. I’m wondering if I need to buy a duvet and cover or if just two sheets would be enough. I don’t want to buy too much because I’m not going to be there long, and I don’t want to have lots of stuff to move. I’m not worried about buying my own food because I’ve been doing that pretty much for the last month or two, and I usually don’t use toilet paper anyway.

I went to a cash machine and got more money out and tried to get some vodka from Sainsbury’s, but they didn’t sell it to me because my passport was out of date. I protested saying that it was valid as ID, just not as a passport, but then the security guard came over and said that it was the same as if I was trying to leave the country. I said I wasn’t trying to leave the country, just trying to buy some vodka. He said it was policy and I asked whose policy and he stated the licensing laws. As far as I know, the licensing laws just say that you have to be over 18 to buy alcohol, leaving it to the discretion of the vendor how they decide your age. I left and went to Morrisons, where the laws are much more lax. I had to pay an extra pound for the vodka there, but the lady accepted my ID unlike the prongs in Sainsbury’s. On the way home I noticed how many pairs of muddy boots had been discarded. I don’t know how Boots make any money when people can just go up to pretty much any bin and get a free pair.

I went home and had a bit. It was disgusting. I waited for it to kick in and then went out. I saw some girls but wasn’t drunk enough to talk to them. I saw Gary in his car and he waved and I waved back.

I went home and Gary was showing some people about the house who wanted my bed. I went upstairs and drank some more vodka. I had about a quarter of a bottle in about half an hour on an empty stomach. Coupled with my lightweightness, that is a problematic mix. Gary came to talk to me. I have no idea what about and all I remember saying is “I’m not surprised you realised I’m drunk”.

When he left, I was going to go out but instead I felt really sick so I just spent the evening on the bathroom floor. It was only 6 PM. Most of the sick went in the toilet, but after a while I just couldn’t be bothered to aim it in the toilet or into the gaping anus of Christ, so I was just sick on the floor. I fell asleep and when I woke at about 12, I decided I should go to bed. I didn’t feel too bad. I could feel my collar was wet with sick but my trousers seemed to be fine. I cleaned up the sick as best I could and then took my shirt off. I just left it on my floor with the sick inside so it wasn’t touching the carpet and so nobody could see it.

I got a Monster drink and some cheese and onion crisps from the Spar near work. The man said I was early. I told him it was because I was hungry. As I neared the car park at work, I saw some rustling and thought it was a squirrel, but then I realised it was a rabbit. It bunny hopped away into the car park and then into a bush. Work was uneventful. I noticed that on the front of a packet of kettle crisps, it says “absolutely nothing artificial”. Not wishing to be pedantic, but where do crisps appear in nature? Of course they mean that the crisps are made of natural components, but ultimately everything is.

As I went to lunch, I got a call from Gary saying he had lost the house so I had to find somewhere else by Wednesday. He said he’d help me look. I went to lunch just to get a drink because I had already eaten my lunch. I opted for a strawberry milkshake, but I realised I had left my money at work because it kept sliding out of my pocket. Fortunately, I had my debit card. I apologised for using it to pay for one pound of milkshake. When I got home, I packed up most of my stuff apart from what needed to be washed. I decided to wear my watch. It’s kinetic so it had stopped. As I set it right, I felt like a time traveller.Garyrang someone up to ask if she knew anyone who needed a lodger for two months. She said I should talk to Carl. I had tried to get a place from Carl when I first arrived here, but because I didn’t actually have the job, he said he couldn’t rent me a place. We arranged for me to ring him tomorrow at about noon and look at the place then. After the call,Garyshowed me where it was. It was only about 2 minutes from my current place. He said it was right next to the church so I could just pop in to do my worship if I needed to. He patted me on the back and laughed before I had a chance to wonder whether or not he was joking. I went and got some pork pies and some orange juice and ate them near Sainsbury’s on a different bench from my usual because someone was on it. I got some money out for my deposit on the new place and then went home and unpacked my laptop.

I woke up at 8:20 because for some reason I had turned my alarm off. I got some money out of my drawer and left 30 pounds in there. I thought someone might have been stealing my money but I decided I had just been careless or spent it. Remember that thought. I got some cheddar and onion (cheese and onion) kettle crisps for lunch with a Monster.

When I came home, I went to get some money out my drawer and it wasn’t there. Some cunt had stolen my money. I knew it. I thought of telling Gary but I thought I’d tell his son first if he knew anything about it. I saw him and asked him about it. I’m fairly sure he took it, but I don’t have any concrete proof. I want to do one of those tricks where you say to someone else when he is there that he also took a ring and then he’ll say that there wasn’t a ring in there and so everyone will know he’s been in there. I was annoyed so I took three cans of Foster’s Amber Nectar from the fridge, which had probably been paid for with my money anyway. It’s not as bad I remember and I was drunk after just two cans. I had the other and then I went out to see if there were any stray festival girls willing to fuck me. I went down to the quay and sat against a wall and sang songs to myself. I’m not sure if I had done that because I was slightly drunk or just because I was mental mad or angry mad. I went home and saw Gary later and decided I should tell him about the money and let him try to sort it out. I told him that probably £100 had been stolen over the past few weeks. It was probably actually less than 100, but it may have even been more. I feel I am owed some for the inconvenience of the theft from my own room. I might interrogate Gary’s son a bit more until he slips up and says something that incriminates him. I backed up some of my most valuable files to stick in case the thief tries to steal my laptop or something.

I just got a banana milkshake for breakfast because I didn’t want to have to carry some pork pies about with me. I had an uneventful day at work doing work. While I was on the phone to my Dad at lunch, a choc-chip chinawoman asked me the quickest way to the town. I told her to walk by the main road, but it might have been faster to go down the hill. It’s a difficult question because the word town could refer to the town centre of the broader area of the town, which we were sort of in. The fastest way would be using faster than light travel, which I don’t think she had access to, so I didn’t suggest that to her. I got some sweet chilli and sour cream kettle crisps and a Monster drink for lunch. A girl with some boys saw me and said she wanted kettle crisps as I went past. She looked like the kind of slag who might give a blowjob for a handful of crisps, but I found out she wasn’t. I didn’t actually find that out, because that would require interacting with another human.

Tommy by The Who – Nice.
Geogaddi by Boards of Canada – Good.
Play by Moby – Mostly good, but only South Side really tickles my fancy. It sounds to me like Spirit in the Sky by Norman Greenbaum.

I got some new pants out of my drawer today and saw the packet of condoms at the back of my drawer. My Mum got them for me as a Christmas present, presumably to use with my girlfriend at the time and not with her, but it’s still weird. I never got a chance to use them, and most likely never will. I have until 2014 to use them. I think I’ll have had sex by then, but you don’t really need condoms for rape, and if you do, whoever’s raping me would probably supply their own. That would be while I was in prison for burning down and Angolan village during a rescue operation to save my buddy captured by insurgents. I’ve skipped a lot of stuff that could lead up to that, but I still think that’s possible – apart from the buddy part. In conclusion, I will never use my condoms because I cum before I even get my dick out.

I’ve realised why the fleas don’t suffocate when they’re under the lid. It’s because the lid has about 1,000 times the volume of a flea. It’s infleae to let them starve to death so I just drown them now, using the lid as a little prison if I can’t be bothered to go the bathroom to do it. If I can’t be bothered to go the bathroom to urinate, I generally use the lids of stuff for that too, but it’s really hard to stop once you get going so it just tends to go all over the bed. If I could find a girl that wets the bed, I would tolerate that. There should be a dating Web-site that just lists people’s faults.

My feet have been really fluffy because I have been wearing my new socks that my Mum got me last time I went home. New socks should be defluffed before being packages because my bed is covered on loads of little black fibres now. It’s hard to tell what is a flea and what isn’t. I’ll be glad when I’m evicted. I was thinking about what I would do if that did happen. I would probably stay in a hotel, but the alternative as I see it would be to put my stuff in storage and sleep on a bench somewhere. I would probably sleep in a hotel every few days to shower. I think I’d be too much of a pussy to actually be homeless for a bit, though. I sort of like the concept of having no possessions, because then you wouldn’t have to worry about getting burgled or losing your phone. Your only troubles would be finding food and not getting beaten to death in your sleep. I’m glad I’m not homeless. If there are any homeless girls out there reading this, you’re welcome to sleep in my bed with me. The same applies to homeless men.

Gary was going to ring up the Sky people about not having an Internet connection, but said I should do it because I know about that kind of stuff. I was on the phone for about an hour and then they said they would get someone else to ring me back. As I write this, it is 22:23 (I wish it was a minute earlier), and they haven’t rung me back. I kind of like not having an Internet connection on my laptop because it means I don’t get as distracted. After finishing talking to Aneka on the phone, I went out. I wanted to buy a coconut because the washing up liquid smells of coconut and I’ve never eaten a coconut before but I didn’t get one because I didn’t know how to open it. I imagined me sitting on a bench hitting it on a rock like some sort of chimp. I got some double chocolate chip cookies instead for 69p. They were half price. I saw some girls and thought of going up to them and offering them some in the hope that they might just talk to me but I had gone past them and they weren’t there when I went back. The packet said it was a family pack so I could have tricked them into having some cookies and then they would have had to start a family with me.

As I was walking back from my little cookie trip, I saw one of the men who works in the kebab shop. I thought of nodding at him but then I realised he wouldn’t know who I was. He smiled at me though and said hello so I smiled back. It’s a sad state of affairs when the kebab man recognises you. I wonder if he has a boyfriend.

I cut my hand on the bathroom door lock today. I do that a lot. It has sharp edges and you really need to pull it hard to make it unlock so it’s very easy to cut yourself. I was in there doing a poo without any toilet paper. There was a pack of menthol hankies and I managed to clean myself with just one sheet. It expanded to very big. Plus, my anus is now minty fresh and ready to be rimmed. I wish.

Theme for today: Loneliness. I should point out that I’m not actually as desperate as I seem, but please, whoever you are, have sex with me.

I had a premonition last night. In a dream, I drank some AJ. This morning when I went into Sainsbury’s, I bought some AJ. Spooky, even if I did buy it just because of the dream. At lunch, I got a Monster drink and some sour cream crisps. They were a bit dull. I treated myself to a meal for dinner. I got a kofte kebab. It was nice, but I prefer doner kebabs and there isn’t as much meat with a kofte kebab. I had salad with it because I thought it was part of the experience. I had garlic sauce with it too. I probably ate about half the salad.

Ocarina of Time Soundtrack – Nice. Back when I had a girlfriend and didn’t cry myself to sleep every night, we used to play this because it was her favourite game I think. Happy memories. Memories now painted over with a lingering sadness.
Super Mario 64 Soundtrack – Nice. I don’t know if the soundtrack to the previous 63 were any good, but this one is. I had the DS version. I got all the stars. Ace.

I played a lot of Assassin’s Creed today.

Four small mother-fucking pork pies and some mother-fucking OJ (orange juice) for my breakfast. I didn’t really have much to do at work today. I got a Monster and some mother-fucking Vietnamese fingers, as a girl at school once called them. I should be alone in the office all mother-fucking week. That means I don’t have to share the mother-fucking fan and I don’t have to worry about playing my mother-fucking music too loud or Richard looking at my mother-fucking screen.

I’ve been a busy beaver today. I made a simple animation about cricket inspired by current events. It’s been quite some time since I’ve done an animation, but it turned out alright. I also made a dubstep remix of Sweet Like Chocolate. Dusbtep is so hot right now so people might actually search for it. To finish today’s trio, I uploaded a compilation of some of my five finger fillet videos accompanied by a funky soundtrack.

I saw a gameplay video of Assassin’s Creed 3 today. I saw the cutscene with the Union flag and wondered in what preposterous accent the British man was about to speak. Much better than any accent, he was drinking from a little cup of tea.

Assassin’s Creed: Revelations? More like Assassin’s Creed: Renovations. Half the game is spent buying shops, which strangely makes the Ottomans or Byzanitnes suspicious. I don’t understand what’s going on. I remember at the end of the last game, there were spoilers, but stuff is happening now that I don’t understand. My questions will probably get answered by the time I’ve forgotten them. I’ve noticed a few problems with people, usually guards, appearing out of nowhere. The memory sections on the island remind me of the end of Metro 2033. In Assassins’s Creed sections of Desmond’s memory are played out in a first person platforming game. These memories are unlocked by collecting Animus fragments in Byzantinopbul. To finish all the memories, I think you need to find just 30 out of 100. Completing the memories lets you run about in the past as Desmond. This is the sort of thing you should get when you complete the game, not on the first day of playing.

My favourite quote from the game is “Leave the dead be.” I just imagine someone getting really angry because I am messing about with a dead bee.

Really I just played Assassin’s Creed today. I did some washing. I forgot about it a for a few hours but it was dry when I took it out the machine. I went to Morrisons. I noticed their own pork pies were also a pound and they were slightly bigger. I got one of them and a pork farms to do a comparison. Morrisons’s own brand was slightly softer and the packaging had a few gaps in where it was wrapped. I don’t really remember which was better because I ate them too far apart. The Morrisons one certainly wasn’t disgusting, and taste is subjective anyway, so you should decide whether or not to buy one for yourself. That should be at the end of every review, be it film, album or pork pie.

My bedroom door was open at about 5 in the morning. I heard some people talking and a few gays were looking in on me as they thought I slept. That’s a bit creepy. They saw I was stirring so they closed the door. I went back to sleep and got up at about 12. I popped down to Morrisons and bought a pork pie and some OJ (orange juice). They had the same pork pies as Sainsbury’s and they were still on offer for a pound so I bought one. Their 1 litre of OJ (orange juice) was 26p more expensive, yet only contained four servings and therefore only four of my five a day. The receipt said the manage was Andy Dingle and I wondered if it was the same one form Emmerdale but I didn’t think it would be.  I don’t know what the point of eating five fruit or vegetables a day because that number seems to be arbitrarily chosen. I very rarely eat any fruit or vegetables, and yet I’m mostly healthy. I’m not very fit, though, but I think that’s mainly due to the lack of excercise. I walk about three miles each weekday, but that doesn’t count. I probably went and sat on some bench or something and then I went home.

I went out at one point and found five p. It was all bumpy because it had been in the road so I flicked it away. I aimed for a lamp post and hit it while moving from about a metre away. I was proud. I went through a carpark on my way home and as I was minding my own business, all the lights in the carpark just went out. I was surprised and didn’t understand what had happened because the light levels aren’t something I really notice. I used my Columbo brain to work out that the lights had been turned off.

I was going to play Assassins’s Creed: Revelations, but I thought of Hexic so I played that instead. I had a reasonable game of marathon mode and then a game of survival. I don’t know why I played survival because I don’t like it. By now, it was gone midnight and I was thinking about going to bed but I stayed up because it was a Saturday night and played Assassin’s Creed for a bit. It’s good so far.

Good morning. I didn’t go to Sainsbury’s this morning because I took longer than expected this morning. At lunch, I got a big bag of cheese and onion crisps and a Monster. I had got a strawberry milkshake but then I saw Monsters on offer for a pound each so I bought one and pupt the milkshake back.

Garlands by Cocteau Twins – A boring album from the twins Cock and Toe.
At War With Satan by Venom – Nothing special.
Wild One: The Very Best of Thin Lizzy – Passable. The first two tracks are the only two I knew and the only two I really liked.

I realised that I am older than some of the girls in porn. I always was older than the girls in the kind of porn I looked at, but now I’m older than some of the legal girls. I’m still young, but I feel the oldest I’ve ever been. I was walking earlier and felt like my left leg was too short. That shouldn’t happen to a young man like me. A few weeks ago, I had a problem with my cock where I couldn’t squeeze out all the urine so I just had to wait at the toilet for gravity to do its job or risk a big wet patch on my pants. That shouldn’t happen to a young man like me. It’s pumping at full force now so I can talk about it. I have what look like freckles on my skin but they could easily  be cancer. I don’t know about cancer but I think skin cancer might be the safest because they can just cut some of your skin off I think. It’s probably not cancer anyway. I’ll be very annoyed if it is cancer because I hear it can be dangerous.

I had the worst day ever. I didn’t have to use my AK or anything, but I went to Sainsbury’s and they didn’t have any Monster drinks on offer. I thought a nice pork pie would cheer me up, but they weren’t on offer either. I broke down in tears right there. I contemplated going to the Shivering Aisles and freezing myself with the pizzas until I slowly drifted off to death. I decided to just get four smaller pork pies instead. I didn’t know what drink to get but decidedto get a carton of OJ (orange juice). That made my day better. I drank it on my way to work. That’s five of my five a day before 9 o’clock. I was going to be unstoppable today. My first stop came when Amateur Engineer kept closing. I told Matt who is unofficial IT support and he rang up the people and then after quite some time, they decided it was the model that was corrupt so I had to start all over again. It didn’t take long though because I hadn’t done much. I got some double chocolate muffins and a banana milkshake for lunch. The muffins were quite dull, but it was nice milkshake, as always.

At work, I saw an advert for the film “Man On A Ledge”. That is the shittiest title for anything ever. I wondered what other films could have their basic premise as the title:
Boy Goes On A Trip With A Ring.
Shark Attacks
Alien Kills People in A Jungle
Man In A TV Show
Snakes On A Plane
Man Saves World
There are loads more but I’ve only ever seen about ten films and I don’t know the plot to any others. There could be a film called Can On A Hedge about an empty can of Coke that had been discarded. After a lightning strike, it comes to life and does something. Gran On The Edge is about and old lady who does lots of exciting things that you wouldn’t expect an old lady to do.

I noticed that when I cross my arms, it looks like they are muscly. I really need to cross them tightly to get any effect, though. I put another flea under the lid but then when I looked later, it was gone in a Jonathan Creek-style mystery. I came to the conclusion that either I imagined the flea, it was a magic flea, or when getting something from the cabinet, I had jarred the lid so there was space for the flea to escape. All those options seem a bit farfetch’d, so I think it was a ghost flea.

Apparently there is an eviction notice on the house for the 25th so it looks like I’ll have to move. I’m only going to be here a few more months so it’ll be really hard to find a place for such a short length of time. Another option is to meet a girl and move in with her within 10 days. They could make a film out of that. In the end, I would meet a girl and we would love each other forever and everything would be good. If I was making the film, though, it would seem like all was going well but then at the end she would break up with me because of my pessimism. That’s the sort of thing I would watch because it means someone else doesn’t have a girlfriend so I don’t feel like I’m missing out.

As I was packing my pockets this morning, I felt that I had missed something. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was so I thought it didn’t matter too much. I got some money out and got an advice slip with it. “Don’t spend it all at once” was printed on it. One day, I will actually get an advice slip to see what it actually says. A bit later on the way to work, I got weezy. It was then I realised I had left my inhaler at home. It was karma for not giving money to that asthma charity. After a few minutes, my British airways cleared up on their own. I got some sweet chili and sour cream crisps for a pound, along with a banana milkshake for lunch.

License to 3 by the Beastie Boys – Weak. No melodies or anything.
Suck it and See by the Arctic Monkeys – Yawn.
Paul’s Boutique by the Beastie Boys – Still no melodies.
Check Your Head by the Beastie Boys – Getting better, boys.
Mental Machine Music by Lurid – Alright if you just ignore it.
3 Communication by the Beastie Boys – Good.

I was thinking about MCA (Mister Cancerous Arteries) and how you’re not supposed to speak 3 of the dead. When I die, I want people to say the most innappropriate things possible at my funeral, just to see if they would actually do it. I have taken the liberty of writing my own eulogy. I want someone to read this at my funeral:

If anyone reading this is in the neighbourhood when I die, you can have 100 pounds if you read this out. That is a genuine promise.

On my way home from work, I met the cutest little caterpillar. He was wiggling about on the pavement, which is dangerous for a little guy like he was, so I picked him up and popped him on my hand, with no regard for anyone who might see me and wonder why I was picking stuff up from the floor. When I got to a patch of grass, I put my hand down and I’m sure he went especially fast to get off my hand. Caterpillars are my favourite stage of butterfly/moth development because they are just so strange and don’t resemble the final product. I wondered if women would like the idea of giving birth to babies in the form of large caterpillars. A caterpillar would do less damage to the hole because it is thinner, but some women don’t like insects. It makes you think.

I had a wander about after dropping my coat off. I went to Morissons and got five pears for a pound. My middle name is Pears because my pearants liked pears so much. I am Lydon Pears All and I like all pears. My Dad had a pear of pear trees in his garden but one fell down. I often had pears of a Summer and they were always soft and juicy. When I went outside and took one of the pears out the transpearant bag then bit into it, it was hard like an apple, which surpearsed me. It became appearant that maybe it wasn’t fully ripe, but it was OK. I read on the bag that the pears were meant to be washed before eating, but I’m a maverick pear eater, ever since I pearactically grew up on a pear farm. I went to sit on Bench Alpha but a pearson was sitting there, so I sat on Bench Kappear which is only a few metes away. As I sat there eating my pear, a lady came down and sat next to me. She got out a two pearnt bottle of milk and started drinking from it. I thought she would be my pearfect peartner, if it wasn’t for the fact she was an old age pearnsioner. This proves that drinking milk directly from the bottle is normal. Also as I was sat there I noticed a little spearder crawling about in thin air. The little guy had spun a strand between my pear hand and my leg. I hadn’t even been there long. I got rid of him because he would get sad if he built a web and then I had to pear it apeart. After my second pear, I was sick of pears, so I took the other three home and went out.

I went to Delta Bench by the quay and noticed that the stone commemorating the Queen’s visit said that is where she first stood when she arrived, rather than just that she stood there. That makes more sense. A lad came and sat on a bench near me and then some girls came who knew him. They were pretty girls. I see pretty girls everywhere I go, but unfortunately, I’m not quite retarded enough to have them chase after me.

I remembered to bring a coat this morning because it was raining. I bought a Monster and pork pie from Sainsbury’s and saw a boy of about 11 in there with a man. They were holding hands. I think the man was his father, but it’s still weird. When I got to work, the front of my shirt was soaked. I think the rain had run off my chin and then down to my chest. I had chocolate milkshake for lunch. I don’t like chocolate milkshake much so I’ll stick to fruit flavour instead.

Americans by John Barry – Not bad
Jazzmatazz by Guru – A fusion of jazz and hip-hop. More like Spazzmatazz. It’s really just hip-hop after the first album. Bad apart from the first one.

I had a bath when I got home. As usual, it was cold. I decided to wash my feet first in shallow water so I wouldn’t have to sit in all the fluff and stuff. While washing, I got lots of poo on my hand, but it was only sham. I miss having showers.

I was going to go outside but my phone was low on charge so I played Deus Ex. Later, I was going to go and get dinner, but I notcied I had a demo of a game I think was called Pingle. It was esssentially just bagatelle, but it was good fun. I played the demo levels and by then it was too late to buy anything from Sainsbury’s and I didn’t want to get a kebab twice in a row. I went out anyway because I thought something interesting might happen. I was wearing red and green and it reminded me of Christmas. After walking about a bit and sitting on Bench Gamma(in the park) singing to myself, I saw a girl walking somewhere. I followed her but my Assassin’s Creed skills taught me not to let her now I was following her. I wanted to talk to her but it was dark and she might think I was a rapist. If she didn’t think that and started talking to me, she might also ask where I was going, and if I said I was just walking about she would think I was weird. She went off a different way which not many people go so I didn’t go that way because it would have been obvious. I went to Beta Bench and had some thought. There’s a point in your life when you think about what you’re doing with everything and what the future holds. It’s usually about 11 o’clock for me. I went home and one of the female friends of the boy who lives here started talking to me. She seems nice, but she’s not genuine. It would be interesting to see how far she would take her little game. I might ask her out one day to see how devoted she is to teasing me. The joke would be on her, though, because at the end of the night I would rape her. One – nil to me.

My alarm went off at 7:45 this morning. I turned it off because it was the weekend. After a few seconds, I realised it wasn’t, so I set my 8.00 alarm and went back to bed. After fourteen minutes, it felt like my alarm should have gone off, but when I saw the time I relised why it hadn’t. I was intimate with myself and then went to Sainbury’s. I got my current usual but the machine wouldn’t accept my pound so a lady switched it for two 50 pence ps. I’ve been trying to open cans one-handed while holding a pork pie in the other. I can do it, but I dent the can a bit in the process. i heard a knock at the door at work. I was alone in the office because Richard was on a trip. It was a pretty young lady and a man. They were asking for money for asthma. They asked if I had anyone I knew had asthma. I said I did. They probably thought I would give their charity some money.  They had scratchcards that cost 5 pounds each. I said that I didn’t have any money. I lied.  There are more deserving charities than giving money to someone who’s a bit out of breath. I want to know why they are in the offices. That’s just weird. I got wet at lunch because I didn’t bring my coat. I got a couple of milkshakes, one banana and one strawberry.

The American Way by Sacred Reich – It’s not much like Steve Reich which is what I was searching for. It is heavily divisive on YouTube with one like and one dislike, but I think it’s alright.
Amnesiac by Radiohead – OK, but a bit boring.

I was tired of the same old routine every day, so I went out into the World and had burger sauce on my kebab. That’s the first dinner I’ve had in a while. I finished my apples a few days ago and I think I should buy some more so I have something not unhealthy in my diet. I saw the burger sauce was white and I don’t generally like white sauce because it reminds me of the time I was bukkake raped, but the burger sauce was alright. I still prefer barbecue. I noticed my trousers have a split in the seam. I sewed that up once and it lasted quite a while. I don’t think it was proper sewing because I just passed it through one side and then the other several times and then tied each end together. The way I didn’t do it properly proves I’m not gay.

I played a bit of Morrowind today. I had a browse arond Solstheim and met my first Morrowind Draugr, which scared the shit out of me. It reminded me of the time on Skyrim I jumped up to look in a pipe and a Falmer came out. I turned the difficulty on Morrowind up to 36 so there was more of a challenge, but the biggest challenge is continuing to play despite the combat system. I like Morrowind and Oblivion more than Skyrim, but I think it’s just because they came first and so they have nostalgia in their favour. I modded Morrowind so an NPC called Lydon can buy all my items worth several thousand gold, because not being able to sell stuff is more annoying than the combat. Another annoying thing is the journal. Bloodmoon adds a quests page which vastly improves the journal. I like the way it doesn’t tell you exactly what to do, but I think it should tell you where the quest was started because I have to kill some lady in Cloudrest and I seem to remember being in Cloudrest when I got that quest but now I don’t know where it is and I don’t want to look it up online. I also think that every place that has been entered should be displayed on the map.

When I was younger, I used to think that semen was stored in the scrotum and the balls were just in their to stop it getting lumpy or something. 17 years old, I was.

“Cameron leaves daughter, 8, at pub.” Not the first time he’s lost a child.

I went to bed late last night at about 4:30. I was going to go for a walk, but I was too tired. A walk would have been pointless anyway.

Assassin’s Creed Revelations Soundtrack – There’s clearly audible noise in it. If you’ve heard any of my tracks with samples, for example, you may think I don’t have a right to complain, but it just sounds out of place on a professional disc. I had to take out my disc for my MIDI drivers to play it. That disc just stays in there because I had to reinstall the software whenever I wanted to use the cable. Although it says Yamaha on the disc, I’m sceptical since the button to close the autorun screen is labelled “closed”. The music of Assassin’s Creed Revelation is good and, as far as I can tell, the same as Assassin’s Creed 2 and Brotherhood. Why do CDs still not come with metadata in them? Why do people still use CDs anyway? Anything tangible is not the future. I think that within my lifetime, there will be neural implants that allow us to search the Internet and see stuff just in our minds. They might even already have that in Japan.

I went out to get a pork pie. I went to Sainsbury’s and got a Monster Khaos but when I went to get a pork pie, they were sold out. Cunts. I bought a sausage roll instead. It didn’t last as long and probably wasn’t as filling, but it was an acceptable substitute. I didn’t do much/anything else today.

I came up with a nickname for myself today. From now on, I will be called The Lydonide. It makes me sound like a cool robot or something.

I woke up in the mood for a bath, so that’s exactly what I had. I got my pants ready and my little pink hand towel and slipped into a nice bath of cold water. The water felt slightly warm coming out the tap, but didn’t retain any warmth while actually in the bath. It got me clean, though. That’s all that counts.

I was in the mood to get a haircut, so that’s exactly what I did. I popped down to the local 36-pound an hour barber and went in. The table had four visible magazine on it. On the cover of one was a bike, another had a muscular man, another had a car and the other had a pretty lady on a bike. I didn’t dare even take a quick look at any of them in case the barber laughed at me for trying to be manly. He shouldn’t though because he’s essentially just a hairdresser who does beards as well, and if you ask me, that’s [Behind the scenes fact: Microsoft wanted to change “that’s” to “that am”] just one step away from gay. The man before me finished quickly and it came to £8.50. He just gave the man ten pounds. I realised I would have to do that because you probably have to tip the barber, but if I chose to give him the 50p, I would seem cheap, and if I gave him the pound, I would seem cheap for wanting to keep the 50p. I asked for a normal haircut and then decided I just wanted it shorter. He knew so much about my hair like how it sticks up when it’s too short. He said I had nice hair. I knew he was gay. A slightly chubby lad with glasses came in with his girlfriend who was quite attractive. How did he manage that when I have girls openly laughing at me in the street? I’ve never seen that but I know it happens.

The barber finished quite quickly and I gave him ten pounds. I could have bought 10 pork pies with that. Instead, I settled for buying one pork pie and a Monster from Sainsbury’s. I ate them on Beta Bench. There was a girl of about 8 feeding ducks by the water’s edge and I wanted her to fall in but she didn’t. I went home and didn’t do much with the rest of my day. I made a font called Goodstone which is like Rockwell but with minor differences. A lot of the symbols fit the style of the font better than those of Rockwell. Goodnight.

If I keep eating pork pies, I will look like one soon. I had one for breakfast, risking looking like a fat coloured man with flaky skin, and I wondered if coloured people get eczma.  I looked it up online and saw that they do, but then I wondered why you never hear about it. I came to the conclusion it was because eczma is the most mediocre illness so you never hear about it in the media, and I don’t know any coloured people who might talk to me about having eczma. If you are coloured and have eczma, why not write in?

I noticed the curtains were closed at work so I used my fob to change the locked/unlocked state of the door. Unfortunately, Richard was in there but hadn’t opened the curtains so I had inadvertently alarmed the room. I heard a beeping so I went to the Deus Ex-style keypad and turned off the system with my fob. The beeping stopped so I think I avoided embarrassment. I had a bit to do today at work. God must have been holding in his farts for a long time because it was really windy at lunch. At one point, I actually struggled to walk. I got a strawberry mikshake for a pound.  I was going to get some Penguin bars just because nobody buys Penguin bars anymore and they were on offer, but I decided against it. I missed out on nine good laughs there. Here are what I imagine the jokes would have been:

Why did the cow get on a train? He was a commooter.
What did the Jamaican name his fish? Sam, mon.
What board game do U2 play? Bonopoly.
What was the schoolgirl’s favourite party food? Hopscotch eggs.
How did the feral dog keep warm? With a rabiesator.
Where did the footballer live? In the Rooneyverse.
What television manufacturer had to have stitches in its leg? Sony.
Which alcoholic football player is made out of plums? Damson Ginola.
What happened when the Chinaman hit his dentist after waiting eleven minutes to be seen? Two fought, he won.
And one for luck:
Where would Charles Manson live if he was on Skyrim? In a Jarl’s mansion.

I wanted a pork pie on the way home, but there were none so I got a packet of those cheesy meat sticks that I used to buy about a month ago. They were not as good as a pork pie and not the best cheesy meat stick I’ve ever tasted.

I got a letter from Olivia Ramsbottom of the University of Derby today. It’d be lovely to ram her bottom, even though she’s probably an old lady. There is an open day at Derby tomorrow. I would go, but it’s too long a journey and I probably wouldn’t even speak to any girls. That’s the only reason I would go. I like the girl on the back of the student halls brochure. There’s something about her that makes her look weird, but I still love her. I hope I go to Derbyand meet her. I can show her this and she will think I’m so sweet (and not creepy) apart from the bit where I called her weird. You’re not weird. You are the most beautiful girl in the World. No, I’m not just saying that to have sex with you. You’re much better than the 30-year-old woman posing as a student on the inside. The girl holding the cue looks alright, but the view is quite limited. On the front, there is a fat girl doing washing and a girl pouring a cup of milk for a man, presumably her lover, while another man, probably just a ghost, watches and laughs at the man because he likes drinking milk. This would all mean something if you had the publication, but I think I’ve described it pretty well. To sum up today’s female review:
Weird ginger girl – Yes
30-year-old – Yes.
Cue girl – Yes.
Fat girl – Probably
Milk girl – Yes. I hope she likes milk, and not just the kind from the end of my cock, but normal milk.
Olivia Ramsbottom – Probably

There’s a bit in the brochure about disabled rooms. Is that a room where the door doesn’t shut properly and all the tables are missing a leg?

I stopped playing Deus Ex today because I got a bit bored with it. I can’t help but feel like video games are wasting my life, but if it turns out that the meaning of life is to be good a video games, I’d still have wasted my life because I am no good at video games. The only thing at which I am good is self-pity.

I bought a pork pie for breakfast. I literally had no work to today. That may not be true, but I literally did no work. I watched the first series of the Adam and Joe Show. It’s good. God must have been holding in his wee for a long time because he really let loose from the heavens today. Not being into golden showers, or silver showers as they are when you’ve drunk enough water like God does, I didn’t go to lunch, so I didn’t get to see Thursday Girl. It might just be a coincidence that I’ve seen her on Thursday. I hope I see her next Thursday. I might even talk to her then, but I know I won’t.  I wonder if she likes golden showers.

Kid A (8-bit) by QuintonSung (from off of YouTube)- Not a proper album, but good.
OK Computer (8-bit) by QuintonSung – I remember I didn’t like the original several years ago. It might be different now because this one is quite good.

On the subject of music, I learnt that that Prodigy song is called “Smack My Bitch Up”. I always thought it was “Smack The Ketchup” and it was about when there’s some ketchup in the bottom the bottle and you can’t get it out. I don’t like it as much now I know the real title. I still like their one about the funky ship, though.

I replied to the Coventry lady saying I wouldn’t be able to get together a portfolio, on account of not being gay. Anything requiring a portfolio is gay. I did make a nice perfume bottle shaped roughly like the female form, though. I don’t like perfume or anything, but I do like women’s bodies, even if they are just torsos made of three blended ovals with two spheres for breasts.  I was going to a nice render of it, but Catia doesn’t export to any useful formats, and Pro E should do but it didn’t work because it is shit software.

I bought another pork pie and a Monster drink on the journey home. I need a haircut, and was thinking of just getting a grade cut because I thought it would be cheap, but it’s 5 pounds. What is that for? Electricity? 50p at very most if you’re running the clippers for a whole day. Sweeping the floor? Sweeping the floor is a minimum wage job, so taking minimum wage as 6 pounds, and assuming sweeping the floor takes 5 minutes, which is much longer than it would actually take, this costs 50p. Cleaning the clippers afterwards? I assume they just dust them off, but if they fully cleaned them with fluid and everything, this could cost a pound, but never would. Unless I’ve forgotten anything else, that means that 3 pounds are left for the actual work. Work that would take no more than 5 minutes. This means that hairdressers get paid 36 pounds an hour. If I was a woman or gay, I would be a hairdresser.

I played Deus Ex all tonight again. It’s one of those games where every corner has a chamfer and every bit of free screen space is filled with a random graph. Mass Effect was like that too. In the future, unlabelled graphs with no correlation to anything will rule the World. Another thing I’ve noticed with games in general is that lots of stuff is shiny but nothing is actually reflective. On the first Deus Ex, the floor of your headquarters reflected stuff. There aren’t enough mirrors in games. One of the augs on Deus Ex lets you kill enemies in a 360 degree arc. I’m no mathematician, but I think a 360 degree arc is a circle. One annoying thing that’s not the fault of Deus Ex is that because I don’t have an Internet connection, my Xbox date keeps resetting to the same day, so choosing the load last save option just loads the last save I made the night before.

I wanted to listen to music last night. I had no choice but to listen to my own music. In my tired state, I thought it was really good, but once when I was tired I laughed at Michael McUntyre, so I’m not a reliable critic when I’m tired.

I got a Vimto this morning. The other day, my Dad was telling me about how he had got a Vimto drink and was drinking it around the shop and thought it was really sweet and then realised it was squash. He’s mad, he is. I was early by about 10 minutes. I didn’t really have much to do at work today. I reviewed Kid A by Radiohead. It’s good. I got a Yazoo strawberry milkshake and some Sensations chili crisps for one pound each. I need a portfolio to go to Coventry because it seems this is an art course or something. I should have really checked. Still, art is a piece of piss. I aced my GSCE with a C. I could have got higher if I had tried and was better at art.

I semd most of tonight playing Deus Ex. I haven’t played it long enough to decided whether or not it’s my GOTYSFFMTTAT. I still think that’s Metro 2033. I didn’t have dinner because I didn’t want to stop playing. It’s annoying how you get more points for letting people live on Deus Ex. I just want to run in shooting. I’ve decided to not go for the stealth achievements. I might play it again if the game is any good.

I see that lots of people have been complaining about the Jubilee coverage, saying it was “tedious”. What the fuck do you expect? It was a show about an old woman on some boats. The boats weren’t even racing. If I was in charge, I would have put cameras and micrphones on the Queen’s boat but not told her. I would have also had a Big Brother-style elemination where the public vote to throw the Royal Family off the boat into the Thames. Dave Benson Phillips could host it.

My dog wrote a poem about black and white lines. It’s a bark ode. 

The other my left lower leg muscle bunched up and formed a lump. It was really painful. It’s happened before. It feels like it’s going between the bones in my leg.

My Dad did me a couple of bacon sandwiches for breakfast, just like the good ol’ days. I played with my keyboard for some more and then we walked upto my Nan’s. We went via the park. There was queen stuff on at Nan’s. After a bit, I was driven home. On the journey home, my Nan asked what my Mum had got me for my birthday. I realised she hadn’t got me anything. 

When I got home, I went on the computer. It was so good to have a reliable Internet connection. The time came to pack my bags. I don’t like travelling with a bag, but sometimes it has to be done. I packed some socks, a pair of shorts, some apples, some sausage rolls and cocktail sausages, my two games, a wire, and some UCAS papers. It rained quite heavily at one point on the journey, but it soon cleared up. The car was a little low on petrol and my Mum asked me if we should stop at the next stop or risk it. I said to risk it, and as soon as we passed the turn-off, the low fuel light came up. My Mum said she wasn’t panicking, but I’m fairly sure she was. We found a place, though. As we neared Southampton, the time for her to surprise me with a present diminished. i was hoping she’d bought me a boat but she hadn’t.

She dropped me just as the ferry was due to be leaving, but probably due to the weather, it was delayed by a few minutes, which saved me an hour wait. In the queue was a woman with a really high voice. I noticed on the ferry that my Assassin’s Creed had come with a soundtrack on disc. I will review that at some point. I’m allowed to do that one at home because I have it on disc. I really needed a wee from near the start of the journey, and I didn’t know if there were toilets at the ferry terminal, so I just had to wait until I got home. I waited at the bus stop for a bit. When the bus came, I let someone go before me and said “you were here first” and he laughed. I wasn’t funny. 

Then I got off the bus. Ah. At Gary’s, entry is via the back door. The back gates were locked, though. I knocked on the front door, but nobody answered, so I climbed over the fence. It’s a fence on a wall, so I had solid footing. Gary had done my washing so I texted him to thank him. I decided to play Deus Ex. I consider myself an expert at Deus Ex ever since I played the first one. I didn’t play past New York, but I’m still an expert. I would have gone further, but one of the NPCs went missing so I couldn’t. I got a call from an unknown number. I thought it was probably Gary and it was. As my ear to the streets, he brought up to speed about what’s going down. Someone who lived in the house, who I didn’t even know about, had left because of a police matter. Hopefully, they’ll all get put in prison so I can have the house to myself and invite round girls. I’d try to invite the skinny girls, but they’d just turn me down. I learnt that the Internet should be back on the 15th. That’s really poor service. Gary is getting keys cut for the front door so I shouldn’t have to climb over any fences now. I had an apple and finished most of my sausage rolls and sausages. I’ll have the others for breakfast tomorrow. I noticed that I have a cut on the palm of my right hand. I think it might be a stigma because I don’t know how I did it, and I could very well be Jesus. It’s right on a crease so it hurts if I move my hand the wrong way.

Happy birthday to my Mum, who is about 50 today. I woke up, as I do most mornings, had a wash and then went downstairs. My Dad was doing burgers. I had burgers. They were nice. In the olden days, I used to have sweet chilli sauce on them, but he forget to get any. Then we walked up to my Nan’s. It’s about a mile and a half and some of it is uphill, but it wasn’t a hot day so it was an OK walk. We went by the duck ponds and my Dad told me to look out for the four foot tall Canada Geese. At best, they were two feet tall. At Nan’s, we watched loads of Queen stuff, but that might have been yesterday. My Nan really likes the Queen. I was hoping that she would be assassinated and we’d get to see her head explode, but it didn’t happen. It didn’t happen to the Queen either. For dinner, we had tuna and pasta bake. I had carrots with it, so it was an actual meal. After dinner, we had cake and then my Uncle drove my Dad and me home. I set up some new wireless phones for Dad. At one point, we needed a phone signal splitter. My Dad suggested we look in the shed. There was a sleeping bag in the shed along with all sorts of other tat and about five different toy guns. It was weird. He might have been sleeping in there. He said he had had a master plan but he couldn’t remember what it was. We couldn’t find the splitter in there, but when we turned to go back in, it was just laying in the yard with lots of dirt in it. I cleaned it out as best I could and it worked. I went upstairs to play with my organ. I tried to record some stuff to tape but I didn’t have the right wire to use the portable one, and the fixed one didn’t seem to work, so I had to resort to positioning the tape recorder onto the speaker of the keyboard. I thought I may as well just do the same with my phone. I had had a taste of how musicians of days gone had to make stuff. Back in the olden days when music required effort. I rang my Mum and told her where her sander was. I didn’t wrap it, because I was too lazy, I’m bad at wrapping, and didn’t really have the opportunity. She sounded pleased, but then everyone does. I never think I sound sincere when receiving gifts, though – Not even when I like them. I settled down at about 12.

I helped my Mum move things this morning to help get ready for her party. I’m stronger than I look, which means I can lift weights upto 1 kilo, so it was all easy for me. At 3, my Uncle and Dad came to pick me up. My Dad’s better now. We went to my Nan’s who is slightly better now, but she still needs crutches or a zimmer frame to walk. I had pizza for dinner. Then Uncle drove Papa and me back to Papa’s. I was intrigued to see what state it was in. It was always quite messy, so I was dreading to see what it was like now. When I got to the outside, I noticed the front wall wasn’t all there. My Dad had kicked that down when he went mad. He’s doesn’t have superhuman strength, it was just a weak wall. The house number sign was also smashed along with the doorbell and the front glass door. I knew about the door already. Inside, it was very messy – worse than my current place. My Dad insisted he was tidying it. I used to go upstairs and play about on my flaptop as he calls it, but I left my flaptop in the Isle of Wight so I sat and watched TV with him. He kept talking though. I went to bed at about 11 because I didn’t have that much to do. I wanted to play my keyboard, but there was some stuff on it. There’s also not a very good connection to the Internet her for my phone.

See if you can spot a metal toy plane, a Playstation Equaliser cheat cartridge and some playing cards.

I woke up this morning, had a shower, had some cheese and egg muffins and then went out. I had to get my Mum a present because it’s her birthday on Monday. She asked for something cheap which I forgot what it was or I would have bought it, some gold earrings, which aren’t cheap, and a sander. I went out to go to Game to use up my points. I had 25 pounds on my loyalty card and 10 pounds on a gift card. I got Assassin’s Creed Revolutions and Gayus Sex Human Revelation. I haven’t played them yet, but I would give Deus Ex an 8 out of 10 because I don’t like one of the game mechanics and Assassin’s Creed also 8 out of 10 because it’s too similar to the last one and the one before that. Then I popped down to Screwfix, but they couldn’t find a woman to have sex with me, so I bought a sander. They didn’t have the cheaper sanders, so I had to pay £30 for one. I don’t even like my Mum that much. I got a random orbital sander. I thought it would have an in-built MP3 player playing Chime and Omen and all the classics, but it doesn’t even have that. My Mum had better give me a blowjob for this.

My Mum also asked me to buy her a lighter, but I didn’t have ID. I tried to buy a DVD player as well but I needed ID for that because it could be used to watch 18-certificate DVDs. I tried to buy some aftershave earlier but I needed ID because it could be used to make myself attractive leading to intercourse. I tried to buy some gloves but they don’t sell gloves anymore because they could be used to conceal one’s fingerprints in a murder.

I agreed to go to my cousin’s borthday party today. I don’t know why. It was boring. I got slightly drunk after just two Bulmers and I ate lots of little sausage rolls. I would say about 30. While sat there, I got talking to a fat lady. I am sure she was trying to chat me up. She touched my leg and said she liked my hair. I had balanced some toy cars on each other and she said it was impressive. If she didn’t have a husband, I would have, even though she wasn’t much of a looker. I had probably either misread the situation or she was just taking the piss, though. I had a bit of a kick about with my little 4/5/6-year-old cousin. After kicking him about, we played football. I was so much better than him. It came time to leave and I had to stay over at a different cousin’s house. We walked through the rain for about twn minutes and we were soaked. I hoped that my cousins’s wife or girlfriend would take off all her wet clothes and then have sex with me, but she didn’t even give me so much as a handjob or even breastfeed her baby in my presence. I don’t think even old paedophile me would get turned on by a woman’s breasts with a baby suckling on them. Unless maybe the baby was really fit.

My Mum told a story of how when I was younger I used to sleepwalk around the flat, and when she asked me about it, I said the grey lady at the end of my bed would protect me. Spooky.

I put my sheets in to be washed this morning. The flea was still alive because I could hear it hitting the inside of the inhaler as it jumped. I quickly put it under a transparent lid so I could see it. I don’t think it will suffocate. Do fleas even need oxygen? I got an orange Monster from the shops. I prefer green. I noticed that when I drink from a can, I put my upper lip over the ring pull.

I was doing lots of work about natural frequencies and cantilevers at work. It was boring. I got some some strawberry milkshake and 3 bananas for lunch. I might like strawberry now more than regular. Regular being banana flavour.

Rubycon by Tangerine Dream – Nice.
Textures by Brian Eno – Nice.
Super Mario Galaxy Soundtrack – Nice. Didn’t get to hear all of it, though because the video cut out about the 2 hour mark. Inspired me to play the game from the start again. I’ve got about 13 stars now. I got the Surfing 101 star first time in 1:03:51 and I got the cake level one second try. They were hard first time round.
Shadow of the Collusus Soundtrack – Nice.

I shaved yesterday.I look about 12 now. I got on a bus and the driver asked if I wanted an adult ticket. All I need now is a haircut. Before, my naffro blended with my beard to create a mighty lion’s mane, but now I just look weird. Weirder than normal. I also have less of a chin than I remembered.

I went to Lidl on my way home. I saw some Kinder child food for a pound so I chose that. I was skeptical because it seemed cheap. The checkout lady climbed over the counter as if she was in a cop show. It turns out that it actually cost about £1.50. The lady said the prices were above the things. I said “I’m new here” and there was a pause and she sort of laughed, but it was probably at me. Still would, though.

When I got home, I hung out my bedsheets. This meant I couldn’t go on my bed. The flea was rolling about on its back. Poor guy. I had to charge my phone, but I couldn’t stay at home with my phone due to the bed situation. I risked going out without my phone and left my inhaler behind as well, but I don’t use that much anyway. I packed a paper and pen so I could write some stuff the old analogue way. I could only find the back of an A4 sheet to write on. I took the front of the sheet as well. I could never write that much in an exam, but I thought I would probably write more when I can talk about any rubbish.

I went to Bench Beta and got out my paper and pen, but of course I didn’t have anything to lean on. My text was almost eligible. I also had now way of telling the time other than the position of the Sun. Judging by the current position of the Sun, I would say it’s day time. I saw a gang rape. It was only ducks, but it still turned me on. Ducks don’t really seem like birds to me. I don’t know why. It’s only when you look at them that you realise how silly they look. One duck looked like it was half pigeon and I regretted not having my camera. There was one female that got chased a bit but ultimately looked a bit dejected that she wasn’t getting raped. All females are whores. Especially the humans. I saw right up a girl’s dress at her pants when she was on a bike. Nice.

I came/went back to London. I mseeed up the timing again on the ferry so I was about 40 minutes early. I bought six McCoy’s crisps for a pound and six bananas for 18p each, bring my banana total up to 9 for the day. I only ate 3 of them, though, and my Mum had one.

I was thinking about how men and women have separate Olympic events and how I think that black people and white people should have separate running events too.

I noticed that some livestock have been hit by cars in Australia. It can’t be the first time some sheep have been rammed over there.

I was reading my issue of Xbox World that I got for Christmas, and I noticed that of the 25 games that everyone must own, I had 12 of them. I’m so mainstream.

I was browsing porn last night and a gay one  came up. I thought I would try to watch it just to see if I could, but it just made me laugh because it was so weird to see two men kiss like that. Strangely, the actual dick in the other man’s arse part didn’t seem as creepy. I was never confused.