Diary

I got up today at about 5 and then a bit later I had some GHB. For dinner , I had 4 sausage in four half burger buns. I think I do cooking wrong because the kitchen always ends up full of smoke whenever I use my wok. It might be because I don’t use oil, but that is just because I am protesting against the war in the Middle East. Middle East? What’s next? Centre Left? How does that work? I’m not going to start using oil again until Saddam Hussein reclaims his rightful place as King of Iran or Iraq or possibly Afghanistan. After dinner, I felt like a walk so I went to the shop. It was raining. I just bought two bags of apple pencils and two bags of fizzy belts, so I probably looked quite weird to the person in the shop. I got really tired by about 9 because I had had such a busy day, so I went to bed. I woke up and realised I was on a path near some trees, but that was only a dream so it doesn’t count.

I woke up and really wanted to make a game today, but instead I just played Killing Floor. I was meant to go into university today to learn about placements because this week has no lessons, but my phone ran out of charge so my alarm didn’t go off. It is almost as if I did it on purpose so I could say I didn’t remember remember to go in on the fifth of November, but I didn’t. I’m glad I didn’t go though because it was terrible – I’m guessing that, but it definitely would have been.

The game I have started isn’t really working. When I said I had an idea for a game, I meant I had the basic mechanic for the game and thought the game would come along with it. It was just something to do with moving planets about to alter the gravity to make things move. I thought of the game being a planet trying to navigate between other planets or a 2D Super Mario Galaxy or something like space billiards but nothing sounds that good.

I sent an e-mail to the British Homeopathic Association today. They annoy me because all homeopaths and people who believe in it are child molesters, and that’s not even a joke.

Dear British Homeopathic Association,

Hello. You probably don’t know me because we have never met, but I am curious as to whether homeopathy can cure what has happened to my wife. I have tried many other avenues of medicine which could be classed as “conventional” or “real”, but none have worked. I will start from the beginning.

My wife and I were having an argument about dinner. She said she wanted some but I said she was too fat so she would have to wait until tomorrow. She started moaning about not treating her right, so as an ironic joke, I punched her a bit. I hadn’t meant to kill her, but as she fell she hit her head on the coffee table and even knocked her coffee onto the carpet. After about an hour she hadn’t cleaned it up so I decided she was dead, because she really hates stains on the carpet. I tried to give her the heimlich maneuver but I think I squeezed too hard and all squashy stuff came out her mouth, further ruining the carpet. By that point it was getting late so I decided to go to bed. Mary was feeling a bit cold, so I thought it would be best keep her warm for the night so I put her in the AGA. She was too big to fit, so I just took her head off and put that in, because the head is the most important bit.

I woke up the next day feeling refreshed, but then I remembered the ballache of the wife situation. I went down to see how she was and, to my horror, her head hadn’t kept warm but had actually cooked. I know it was cooked because I tried a bit – but only out of curiosity. I couldn’t really enjoy it because eating human flesh just felt weird. After I had finished, there wasn’t really anything left on the skull, so I scooped her brain out and gave what was left of the head to our sexy dog. Before I had the chance to put the brain in the fridge, which is what I realised I should have done with the whole head, our five-year-old daughter woke up and saw everything. I tried to console her and explain that we could get a new carpet, but she just kept crying and hugging me. When Mary used to hug me, it meant she was feeling amorous, but after a lot of screaming, I decided my daughter wasn’t feeling the same way, so I pulled out and finished on her face.

After I had sent our daughter off to have a shower, I remembered about my wife’s brain. I looked to the counter to get it, only to find two bloody paw prints either side of where it had been. “Damn that mutt” I thought to myself. Just then, my 7-year-old son came in from the garden where sleeps. I told him what had happened and he was about to speak but then something happened inside of me and I did a jump kick to his head. I think it was a genetic flashback to my grandfather in the Boer war when he was taught to kick children in the face to ensure they weren’t tanks withs masks. My son stumbled backwards and fell onto our kitchen spike. My wife said we didn’t need one and now I was starting to see why. The spike broke off from it’s base and our son further stumbled about, narrowly missing our snake enclosure, but landing right into our backup snake enclosure which we have for when the first enclosure is being cleaned. At the time, the maid was cleaning the first enclosure and so little Jerome, who is our son in case you were wondering, landed amongst the snakes who all started stinging him. I told them to stop and behave, but they are from Indonesia, so I don’t think they understood me. Instinctively and remembering back to when I was a jellyfish wrangler, I got my cock out and started urinating in the direction of our son to stop the bites. Due to the previous intercourse with my daughter, however, I was still semi-tumescent, and some of my urine strayed into the first snake enclosure and entered the eyes of the maid.

The maid stumbled about in a similar way to how Jerome had done but in a less erotic way. I looked at Jerome and he was dead so at least I could stop worrying about him. He was still moving, but I didn’t fancy having to go to the hospital with him so I just pretended I hadn’t seen him and couldn’t hear his cries. The maid then tripped on her bucket and spade and smashed her head on the wall and her head came off and rolled about a bit. This day was going from bad to worse, but at least my daughter was still alive and I wasn’t going to let anything happen to her.

I was well annoyed when I found her at the bottom of the stairs. It was a fucking mess. During my nap in the lounge after seeing the maid die, I had heard a lot of banging, but Mary (which is my daughter’s name as well as my wife’s and probably the maid’s name if she had one) is really into her gabber music so I thought she was just listening to some of that so I got back to sleep for a few more hours. Looking at the macabre waterfall of human paste on the previously clean staircase, I could only speculate regarding what happened, but I had a good idea. On our stairs, we have a stair lift for when we host 80+ plus swingers’ nights, which is set to automatic. What it must have done is detected Mary’s possibly still alive body at the bottom of the stairs after she had fallen and then gone to collect her, but crushed her against the stairs somewhat in the process. Imagine the stairlift as a knife, the stairs as bread, and my daughter as a mix of jam and crunchy peanut butter. That is what I think happened.

I needed a walk to clear my mind and went to get Sutcliffe the dog, but as I was leaving the kitchen, I slipped on some of my wife’s blood, and the chainsaw I was holding fell and sliced her hand clean off. Now for reasons I won’t go into, the hand is all I have left of her. The rest is probably in Austria. Do you have a remedy which can make my wife grow back from her wrist? Her hand is a bit damaged due to an incident with some acid, but it is mostly intact. Also, if you can find me some new kids, a cleaner and a dog*, that would be great, thanks.

Lydon Pearsall

*Went on fire.

I sent an e-mail to the library lady the other day to say sorry because I need to pay those fines. It comes to a lot. I have a plan how to get it off the person who owes it to me. I have a few plans actually – none of which are legal – but hopefully one will work.

I didn’t do anything today, but I didn’t feel depressed, which was nice. I went to bed quite late because I was writing tomorrow’s e-mail. I did myself a pie during the day. Pie is weird because it can be sweet or savoury. Imagine if other foods were like that. Would you eat a toffee pizza or a sausage bon-bon? I wouldn’t. What’s that all about?

I think I almost pood myself last night. Some of my dream was about poo and it felt like something was coming out my bum. It felt like the initial blow when inflating a balloon when there’s some resistance but then it inflates. Luckily after checking, nothing left my anus that night, or if it did, it ran away somewhere before I woke up. I ate loads of food today. I had 2 burgers in buns for breakfast, which I cooked properly so they weren’t cold on the inside like the last 6 I’ve done were and I had beans and sausage from a tin at lunch and a pizza for dinner. I am just like that man from that film.

Today has been terrible, and not just in the usual way my life is. It started off alright – I felt pretty good and bouncy and I did myself some noodles in a cup which was lovely and I felt like a feather on the way to school but that was all quite worrying because I shouldn’t have felt like that. A few times, I got a feeling like my head was about to explode but not in a painful way. Then I almost fell asleep in the lecture. I think maybe the head feeling was me almost falling asleep, but that is only because I don’t know what else it could be. I messed about after the lesson for a bit and then I was being depressing so I went home. I got a Kinder Bar on the way. When I got in, I had a shower and then went to bed. I had nightmares and when I woke up they didn’t end because they still confused me and I woke up from one and someone was standing over me so I punched him but he wasn’t there. I had to turn the light on because I didn’t want to sleep in the dark. Then I was lonely so I went out to Coyote Wild and had an expensive vodka and something so then I went to Mosh. I had a double vodka and coke but it was disgusting so I stuck to coke. I felt weird throughout the night, but at least I didn’t kill myself, which I might have done if I was home alone.

I felt terrible this morning. I felt very sick and ill and scared. I tried to go back to sleep but I kept getting a throbbing in my head and thought I would die. I was then going to get a pizza but I felt too sick to go out. I am mostly better now but my head keeps going weird. It doesn’t hurt but it’s just worrying. I can feel the heartbeat in my head sometimes as well. I didn’t sleep because I was working on a little game and I was probably a bit scared about dying while asleep. This game I might actually finish because it is doable.

I’ve come up with some ideas which I think are good and really easy. Firstly, it would be good if there was a way to disable a phone alarm just for the next time if you are already up but don’t want to risk turning it off permanently. Also, having your phone go on silent and then loud due to a timer would be useful for me. One idea which I think is bad is watches in phones. They don’t really add anything.

I’m sure my penis never used to be this small. It’s basically just the bellend. I read some news once about a man whose penis was so big that at any given moment, at least one inch of it was in every woman at once. I wish my penis was like that. I was reading about Kurt Cobain, or as I call him Hurt Blowbrain, and I read about his death and I cried a tiny bit. It wasn’t news to me and I already knew he was dead, but it still brought a tear to my eye. Some other stuff about death did as well, but it was fine if I kept my mind off it. If someone is worried about dying, why do people sometimes say “We’re all going to die” in an attempt to be reassuring? If they were on a bus that was falling through the air after it had just gone a cliff, would they be sitting there calmly saying the same thing? I don’t think they would.

I asked Phil, who I call Fill because he is full of stuff like guts and nerves probably, if he wanted to go out with me tonight and he said yes, which was a surprise. On the way back from uni, my stomach started imploding and I felt terrible. I was going to cook some food but I was tired instead so I had a lie down. I went round to Phil’s and had a toffee apple cider and a burger with mayonnaise on the way. I was a few minutes late because the burger took ages to cook. I thought it was supposed to be fast food. A bit later a girl came round and then we played drinking games for a bit before we went out. I had already had a lot to drink (by my standards, so about 2 whole half shandies). The girl had to go home because her boyfriend was being a dick. I suggested she have sex with me to teach him a lesson but she said that would be a bit extreme. I hoped that meant I’d have to tie her up or she would do a wee on me, but I don’t think she did.

I went with Phil to Coyote Wild and on the way the man in the pizza shop gave him a free pizza because Phil seems to know everyone in Derby. I got most of the pizza because Phil wasn’t hungry, but then Phil started chatting to a homeless man he knows and I gave some of the pizza to the homeless man and also some money because I am generous but mainly drunk. He was reading a book. Then we went but stopped for a bit while Phil talked to someone he knew. In Coyote Wild, Phil was talking to all the staff because he used to work there and so knows everyone. We had a couple of drinks and then I think we went to go to Walkabout but the queue was too long so we went to Boutique. It was very dark in there, and I’m not talking about the lighting. We stayed for a bit and Phil saw some people he knew but so did I because it was Louise from off product design. I call her Lewis. She gave me a hug which is the closest I will ever get to having sex. Then I think we went to Walkabout and then I was walking home. When I say walking home, I mean I was just walking and hoping that I would end up at home. I stopped and sat down a lot to play games on my phone. I cried for a bit about nothing really and by about 5, I thought I should look at my phone to see where I was. Turns out, I was in the sea and had become a mermaid, which was weird. I was actually only 2 miles away from home, but considering I had started off probably about 1 mile from Derby and been walking for about 2 hours, that is annoying. I went to the cashpoint because I had spent all my money and I got four consecutive five pound notes. I didn’t even know ATMs did that. I got home at 6.

I think I left at about 6 and wandered down to the park, getting a chocolate milkshake on the way. It started raining so I headed back and wandered about town for a bit. By then, it was about 8 so I went to the university, even though my lesson started at 3. I sat on a bean bag seat for a bit and then went into a computer room. I was feeling a bit groggy due to lack of sleep and comedown, but nothing too bad. Then Andy came in early to do work and shit so I just spent the rest of the time before the lesson annoying him. At one point, I was looking at something and it started moving about loads which was mad. All I had to eat today was some meatballs and that was just because I thought I should.

I got a new key today, which will cost me 40 pounds. Add that to the £20 I already lost that night, and that is a huge loss for a night out. I decided to go out tonight to Mosh and had 3 ecstasys over the course of the night and what felt like about 20 half pints of coke. It made Mosh feel bigger and different. Also, it made my willy shrivel up and I couldn’t go wee. I think I lost another £20 on the way there. I saw my old housemate. When I got home, I couldn’t get to sleep because I just kept thinking the same thing over and over again without reaching a conclusion so I just went on the computer, but I didn’t know what to do so I went for a walk.

I spent most of today just making music, which I will dedicate this entry to because I really like it. You should listen to my music because some of it is alright.  I put some of my tracks on my Dad’s MP3 player and he said I was a genius – for the creating the tracks not just putting them on his MP3 player. He doesn’t listen to much electronic music so I think maybe he would think all electronic music is the work of a genius.

I ended up with three coat hangers last night. I think so anyway because they were outside my room. I don’t know why or how I would have them, but I suppose for some people it’s traffic cones, for me it’s coat hanger. I think it’s probably because I wanted to start that clothes shop that I’m always going on about. I went to the office today to get a key but nobody was in so I tried to go home but nobody was in so I went to the town to get some money. After an hour of sitting outside Subway, I’d only got 63p, so I just went to the cashpoint and used my card. That is me doing a joke. On the subject of jokes, and more specifically the subsection unfunny, my Mum was with those people whose house  you go to and do stuff and spend time with because you just generally enjoy their company – I don’t know what they’re called – and my Mum ended up Googling my name and now knows I wrote a book. I regret using my real name for my secret Internet life now. To be honest,  if I was that worried that much about anonymity, I shouldn’t have used a massive picture of my own stupid face on the front cover.  To me, my Mum finding out about my book and then reading it is like her walking  in on me masturbating and staying to watch.  Because my Mum will eventually end up reading this, I should point out that that has never happened, much to my disappointment. Once again Mum, if you’re into that stuff, I’m not, so keep your perversions to yourself. Love you.

Apparently, the librarian to whom I sent that e-mail the other day was offended by it and she grassed me up to my lecturer. She thought it was undermining. I thought my e-mail would alleviate some of the boredom from her job, but apparently she would rather just put all the books in height order or whatever librarians do. She didn’t even reply to me, so I couldn’t get a humorous exchange going like on 27bslash6. What the library whore has done is run to the teacher because I was singing Itsy Bitsy Spider and she is scared of spiders. She shouldn’t have been offended by it. My lectureman said it would be courteous to send an apology, and I would if I had done something wrong, so instead I will send this*.

Dear bookslag,
Did you hear about the man who went into a library to buy a book on suicide? I won’t tell you the punchline, because I know you don’t like jokes, so instead I will tell you what happened to the man. He ended up killing himself, and maybe you should do the same. I understand it must be hard for you working in a library considering the number of stories and book titles that you may perceive as offensive. I bet hardly a day goes by without you ringing up a publisher and complaining about a book title which you think insulted you somehow. You’re not even bold enough to contact the author directly because you are a pussy. After re-reading my e-mail to you, which I didn’t even have to be drunk to write because it was so harmless, I struggled to see what elements of it you found offensive. Maybe you prefer cheese and onion crisps? I think maybe you disliked the triviality with which I wrote the letter considering the length of time the books have been overdue and the magnitude of the loans. I realise lending something to someone and not getting it back can be very annoying, because I am in exactly the same situation as you. Thinking about it, the part of the e-mail you probably disliked was the bit where I suggested you become a robot. I didn’t know you already were, but it does make sense as to why you don’t like humour.
Suck my dick,
Harold Shipman

* I won’t send this.

I was at the old pedestrian crossroads and a girl was there and she got out a banana and started eating it. I thought that might be her subtle way of saying something – perhaps that she wanted to actually eat my penis. It was all bruised so I think she must be into some kinky stuff.

I decided to go out so I had a double vodka and Vimto and then a quadruple vodka and Vimto to finish the bottle off but it was vile so I did the old coffee/milk trick where you top up a drink you don’t like with one you do until you just have the good drink left and then I went to Mosh and had 4 drinks but then I got a text from Shaun so I went to Walkabout and I reckon I had 2 but I like to think I had about 5 because I think I lost 20 pounds and then there was an ambulance I think because I was laying down on the pavement because I was tired and then I think I was sick but then I went home but I didn’t have my key and then I was in the office with my flatmate who was getting me a key and then I went to bed.

Last year, I criticised the fireworks shop for having the slogan “Fireworks all year round” and I thought they wouldn’t remain for all this time. They have, but they are very rarely open. A more apt slogan would be “Fireworks stored all year round, but only sold around November the fifth.” How comes on Monopoly they had a waterworks shop? Are they like water-powered rockets?

6,400 tins of baked beans have been stolen. This is a situation where I should be able to make a joke about it but I can’t. They have bean stolen. That will do. In other news, nothing at all.

I handed in my work today and then after being at the university I went with Andy who is my new best buddy to play table tennis. I think I annoyed the person doing it because he said something about bats but I corrected him and said they were racquets. He didn’t look happy and said that they were bats. I didn’t want to argue with him because these people can’t be told. I was alright at table tennis, but I ended up very wet with sweat. On the way back, Andy told me some dead girl had been found nearby. When I got home, I overheard that it was one of the halls helpers, so as a tribute to someone who I might have once spoken to, I will not make a joke about her death. If I was to make a joke about her death, however, it would probably be something about her name being Bannister and how it is surprising she didn’t die by going down the stairs.

I’ve done another e-mail. This one is nicer because it is to a real person who doesn’t really deserve it and I might one day encounter so she might beat me up.

Hello and welcome. Sorry for not giving the books back, but I can assure you it is not entirely my fault. I very rarely go to the library, because I would rather be at home eating crisps. I am not having a go at the library – it’s just not really my scene. Saying that, I went to the library the other day to read some books about some man, but that was only for an assignment. I think all books should be on computers now instead because that is just much easier nowadays. I know that would put you out of a job, but you could work in a zoo instead. I think you would have more fun in the zoo because of the animals. Imagine a library for animals. If you don’t like animals, you could be a pilot or one of those ladies from the olden days who works at a telephone switchboard but you would have to go back in time for that one because it is probably done by robots now. You could become a robot. These are just examples and you don’t have to do them if you don’t want to. Anyway, back to what I was saying before you interrupted me. One day, I went to the library with what can loosely be called a friend just because I had nothing better to do as I didn’t have any crisps to eat. My favourite crisps are probably prawn cocktail. The person I was with was getting some books out about graphic design or whatever course we do, but when we got to the laser sprayer, he realised he had forgotten his card. I think I might have done a joke about him being like a goldfish but I know for a fact I didn’t. As I am a nice man, not dissimilar to Jesus or Rob Brydon, I lent him my card thinking he would give the books back before they were due, but because he is a massive idiot – if you’ll excuse my language – he didn’t. I told him today to give the books back so hopefully he will, but I don’t know if he will because he is quite unreliable.
Lots of love, P37666029

I saw an advert today which said: “Become A Model – Do You Have Model Looks? If You’re 3 – 24 Yrs- Enquire Now!” I wonder if they get many three year olds applying to that. All three-year-olds have model looks anyway because they all look the same. That’s why if you have a fantasy about having sex with twins, you subconsciously just want to have sex with some babies.

Have you noticed how big flies are more scared of humans than little flies? I think it is because their brains are bigger so they are able to perceive threats better. Who named them flies anyway? I bet they wanted to call fish swims and humans walks. What would they call a kangaroo? Hops probably, and snakes would be slithers.

I had a mallow sandwich today by Kandy Andy, which is Flumps between marshmallow with little balls on it. It was too much marshmallow, and that is coming from someone who ate six Flumps in a row the other day. I like Flumps because I can pretend I am eating a rope, which I like.

I have been bothering a company again, and I will continue to do so until one of these pricks sends me a reply. I’m just lonely, really. Though I have had no direct contact with Moon Estates, the concept annoys me so I decided to send an e-mail to them posing as a prospective buyer. I have written it in poor English because I am undercover. I am like Panorama.

Hello and welcome. I am investigating into the purchasing of a plot of land on a different planet with the money I have made from my job which is a fireman so I can escape the rustle and bustle of life on the world. I have intentions to build a home and spend my own retirement there, and I have elected the Moon as a potential suspect, but I have some questions to make before I commit to conducting a purchase.

Can I make sure I am to be purchasing a plot of land on the shiny side of the moon? I think there will be a lot of crime on the dark side and I experience enjoyment during the construction of jig saws which is difficult when I am operating under a bulb, so it is very important for me that I am to live on the shiny side.

Is it really cold on the Moon as everyone is saying? Must I wear big clothes and hats like Space Men or is that only when the Moon was colder because of global warming? I think it would be hard to do a jig saw while I had entered my hands into two gloves because I tried it one time when the Season was Winter. Also as a question, when the Sun enters through the Moon when an eclipse is happening, does the Moon become very hot?

Am I allowed to make viewings of the plot of land I will buy before being bought? I know the moon is built with cheese so I want to make foundations on a solid cheddar and not a feta. I am joking because I know the Moon is not built with cheese. I am not joking about making viewings.

What is the time difference when I am on the Moon and I am also very concerned regarding the slow motion while I am on the Moon. I am unable to decipher if being in slow motion will make my life bigger or smaller. I am hoping it is bigger.

Do aliens live on the Moon? I read a film once which said they do, however, they were not encountered when Neil Armstrong and Bus Aldin went to the Moon, so I am not certain. I have heard a story that Neil and Bus did not actually go on the Moon and they are just special puppets in the desert, but that is not true because you don’t get a cactus on the Moon. If there are some aliens on the Moon, are they good or bad and do you see them on many occasions? I now have a question but it is not concerning the Moon but I would be grateful if I had an answer. Why don’t aliens wear clothes?

How do I go on the Moon and what is the time it will take? This is very important because I have made a daughter and she visits me when her work is off so the time must not be a long while.

Hello again. You can now answer my questions please because I have finished. I am thanking you for your time and effort in response.

Lydon Pearsall

That e-mail was obviously inspired by the Peacock and Gamble complaint letters, but I doubt you know what that is so I am safe. I intend to also send similar messages to the same company regarding their sale of land on Mars and Venus, but as if I don’t know it is the same company. They are making the sale of many more items which are not useful to a person. They are selling a single share in your favourite football team, provided it is Celtic FC. I am going to start a campaign against this horrible site. One of the things they are selling is some rose seeds which you get to name and then they put that name in a database. What cunts.

I thought up a good idea today where you can sponsor some of the hair on my arms. You will be allocated a hair and I will give you a certificate and a welcome pack and a history of hair leaflet and it only costs £20.00. You also get one free tour of my arm.

I did an essay which went over the word count, which I think is the first time I have ever done that. I’ve mostly this week just been designing vases. You may think it’s good that I am focusing on my course, but that is nothing to do with the course – I just like vases.

I went down to Hobbitcraft to buy some mounting boards. I asked the woman in the shop for mounting boards and she took me to to the paper section. I said I meant mountainboards like what you go downhill on. Then I asked her for an A4 piece of paper, so she just pointed me to it because we were already at the paper section, like I just said, but then I said I wanted to do a trade of a  blade of dried grass for some paper. Then I asked her for four candles. She tried to be clever and took me to the kitchenware section, but I actually had said falcon dolls. She said that they didn’t even sound the same so I just asked her if they did mounting boards in A3 instead of A1. She said they didn’t, so she told me I had to get 3 A1 mounting boards to get one in A3. I told her that’s not how it works and then I kicked her and ran away. The only true bit of that is them not having A3 mounting boards, so I had to try to walk back in wind with what was essentially a massive sail. It wasn’t too windy, though. I rang Rob on the way back. He said he saw a horse that was nine feet tall but I said it was bullshit and he said going by the height of its head which isn’t how you do it so he is a liar and gay.

I installed SolidWorks today and it came up with one of the most specific dialogue boxes when it had finished:

The computer must restart before running any SolidWorks products.

If you are filling out a survey or reading notes, you may choose Restart Later.

I wondered if any good songs have started from a single rhyme. I mentioned the word dawdling in thought and rhymed it with maudlin but I didn’t think a song up about it.

What’s brown and comes in a jar? An African who loves Marmite.

My jeans have a rip in at the knee and they’re not even supposed to. I am worried someone might think I am trying to be trendy. It would be funny to buy jeans with deliberate rips in and sew them up. I cut my beard so now I just have a goatee. I would have shaved it all off but it’s quite useful to have as a bib to stop food getting on my shirt.

My current Mum rang up yesterday and said I had food in the freezer, so that is a result. I had pizza for breakfast today. It’s nice in the microwave because it doesn’t get all crispy and burned. Why is it called a double pepperoni pizza when really it just has two different sizes of pepperoni on it? I also don’t get why it was called a stoned baked pizza. Has it been smoking cannabis?

I shaved most of my hair off today but did myself a mohawk and kept my beard, so now I look like I should be a character from something. Apart from not being black, I look like the man in the tank from the old Snickers advert. I thought shaving my hair would make my cock look bigger but it doesn’t.

For dinner, I did some fucking burgers and some fucking noodles. It was nice, but the burgers looked a bit fucking  pink on the inside so I couldn’t fully fucking enjoy them without worrying about maybe getting fucking beef AIDS or whatever raw meat gives you. I like cooking because it fucking  is like when I make song but made from fucking food instead. You might be wondering why I am fucking swearing a lot.

I realised today that the word rewind comes from when the tape was wound on spools. I had never thought of that before. That’s the only thought I had today. I got wet walking home, because I really needed the toilet and couldn’t hold it in. It was actually because I didn’t have a coat and it was raining. Maybe I would wear some form of coat if rain was made from earth or fire, but it’s only water, and water is the second weakest of all classical elements. Only air is weaker than water. Did you know that if someone dropped a mile cubed of air on your head, you wouldn’t even feel it?

I came up with an idea for a company which is like Moonpig but they send cards automatically. You enter everyone’s birthday and what kind of card they want and it sends them automatically and it does Christmas cards too. I hate cards because they are so pointless. I don’t really like presents either because you spend on average as much on presents as you receive and the chances are that a lot of presents you don’t want so you should just spend money on yourself.

What cook can cook her footwear? Delia Smith, because her footwear is “Delia’s shoes.”

I’ve been going to bed early and getting up early. It’s good because it means I’m awake when the shops are open so I never have to go hungry if I don’t have food.

I realised I don’t actually know how to use a hob. Is it the hottest when it makes the most noise or when it’s at full rotation? I came up with a great idea for a food which is like tomato soup but a solid so it’s easier to eat.

I fannily bought some bread. I don’t like getting bread because even though I always have 2 sandwiches at a time, I can never get through it fast enough, but now I am a megachef, I might do more sandwiches. I have been meaning to get bread this past week or so because I found some peanut butter and corned beef in the cupboard that Mum (mine) got me, but I always get distracted in the shop and buy Kopparbergs or crisps instead. I came back with quite a bounty: Vimto, 7-Up, Double Dip, Skittles, Chocolate Caramel Wafers, Giant Parma Violets, bread. I quite like the idea of that being someone’s shopping list. Really, I like the idea of just a Double Dip being on any shopping list. Who goes out to buy a Double Dip? You never hear someone say they’re craving a double dip, do you? That is my comedy done for this week.

Who’s that writing his, diary? It’s chef Lydon. What did you do for lunch today, chef? Pasta and egg. Nice. That meal involved two different cooking containers, which means I am ready to go pro. If you want to eat my food, come round my house and you can pay £10 and a £1 tip and I will do you any meal as long as I either have it or you bring the ingredients. My signature dish is omelette. I will even eat the food with you and that is just like watching a film with the star of the film with you. Please come to my restaurant. I am lonely.

I started playing Half Life 2 today. It is much better than than the others, so well done to Gabe Newell, or as I call him, big fat Gabe Newell. I am allowed to say that because I am fat myself, but I’ve learned being fat doesn’t mean I’m allowed to call Josie D’Arby a nigger.

I had some vodka and then I was going to go out for a walk and post a letter and do some shopping but I just went to bed. It was only about 8.