Diary

I have 21 new e-mails since yesterday. That is amazing. I don’t think I have ever had that many e-mails. They’re not even all automated. I am mister popular. I am so popular, I had a chat with the lady in the shop. I asked for the cheapest vodka and she asked if I was having a party. I said no and that I was just an alcoholic but then said I was joking and then she asked me about my course and stuff. I wanted to say something to her to sound like I was engaging, but I couldn’t because she is a lady in a shop and I have no idea what to say to a lady in a shop. She definitely fancied me, though. I didn’t even drink my vodka tonight – I just had a bit to check it. It’s horrid, even when mixed with quite a bit of Vimto. I have such a low tolerance to the taste of alcohol now I’ve been drinking fruity ciders.

One of my projects that those people make me do is designing a light for use with the Citroén*(Take a seat, Weasley from off of Harry Potter) DS3. I have to research Citroén’s values and all shit like that. On their brochure, it says this:

CITROËN DS3 CAN BE AS INDIVIDUAL AS A SIGNATURE. WITH NO FEWER THAN 9 STUNNING BODY COLOUR CHOICES AND 4 CONTRASTING SHADES FOR THE FLOATING ROOF PANEL, THE POTENTIAL FOR PERSONAL EXPRESSION IS VAST.

I’m surprised more people don’t have the same signatures considering there are only no fewer than 36 to choose from. The only way in which the Citroén 3DS can be as individual is a signature is if each car has a different signature on.

*They’re French so it should be an accent

Remember when I dissed the cleaner’s spelling but said she was a good cleaner? I went in the kitchen after she’d been and the floors were dirty. Maybe she reads this and did a poor job deliberately.

I went to bed on what I would consider the ninth, and then woke up at 2 on the 11th, so the 10th never existed for me. I would tell an anecdote, but I don’t have any. How old do you have to be to have anecdotes? I was thinking about the time my Dad and I found a gun in my Nan’s loft, but it was just a replica so that story doesn’t go anywhere. I think I should make up some anecdotes to sound interesting, but that would be lying, so I’ve just remembered one that is definitely real. When I was 8, I spoke to my friend who was called Captain Gary and he told me about the time he and his frigate were destined for Venezuela, which is a real country. He was exporting some boxes, because all of the boxes in Venezuela are imported from Europe. After about 10 days at sea or however long it takes, he arrived at what he thought was Venezuela, but some wind meant he had actually ended up in neighbouring Guyana. It took another half a day to travel along the coast to the Venezuelan port he was heading for, by which time a rival frigate had delivered their boxes instead, so Captain Gary was stuck in Venezuela with a big ship full of boxes. He didn’t have an importing license for the UK which meant he wasn’t allowed to take the boxes back to England unless he continued traveling left around the World to exploit a loophole which says that you it’s only importing if you go right. He couldn’t go left because he didn’t have enough petrol so he had to find a way to get rid of a ship full of boxes. He told me he had a million boxes. He started dumping them in the Venezuela sea but they went under the ship due to hydroelastic tension force and, due to their buoyancy, lifted the ship above the water. Without the keel in the water, the ship fell on it’s top and all the boxes fell off, which was good, but it meant Captain Gary had to drive his ship back as a submarine. That was Captain Gary’s anecdote, and while was telling me it, I saw an alien ghost.

I finished playing Half Life: Blue Shift today. More like Half Life: Blue Shit And Some Wee As Well. It was alright, I suppose. Before that I played Assassin’s Creed 3 for a bit, but I wasn’t really in the mood. I noticed the screen glitching at the start and for a second I thought I had got the graphics settings wrong, but I thought it was just something to do with the Animus, even though it was supposedly real life. I just thought maybe he was imagining it or something. About 20 minutes later, I decided to change my graphics settings because it was unplayable. I reckon when Assassin’s Creed 18 comes out, it’ll be revealed that desmond is just a puppet in the Animus of someone else. If it is, copyright trademark patent shotgun that idea and Ubisoft have to give me one million pounds to use it.

In good news for a change, I can stay in my flat, so I am not going to be a little homeless fella – at least not until I’ve failed my graphics design course or whatever it is I do. To celebrate having a home, I had a few drinks tonight, and by that mean I stayed up all night and went down the shops tomorrow morning to get some Kopparbergs. I got a couple of microwaveable pizzas too. I think they should really put the microwaving instructions on the box rather than just having me guess. I drank my drinks faster than normal which was good and then I went to bed at 11 because I was really tired.

Lips are disgusting if you think about it. They are like gums but on your face, which is no different from having kidneys for ears or a thigh made of liver, which I think you will agree is disgusting. Your insides shouldn’t be on your outside because then some of your outsides might be on your inside and you would have to taste your lung or something.

I had a headache when I went to bed at 11 this morning, but some Ibuprofen sorted that out. Why are there no headaches in the jungle? Paracetamol. On the way back from school, someone shouted from a car “Oh God, it’s Jesus.” I think he was shouting about me, but I had a strawberry milkshake with me at the time, and I think Jesus would just have plain milk so I couldn’t have been him.

I completed the Half Life game today. Completing a game is my new third base. I didn’t like the story of Half Life much because it didn’t feel plausible. I think it’s because it’s presented as if dimensional rifts are possible with science, which they’re not. I’m fine with all ghost shit because I think it’s much easier to imagine a reality in which the supernatural exists than it is to imagine something impossible happening in the real World. That is why I will rate Half Life a 14.

I got a letter under my door saying that I have to see halls lady tomorrow about my fate. The tension is killing me, and by that I mean the tension in the rope around my neck. To really rub salt into the wound, the letter says I can bring a friend with me if I want.

I realised why I’ve been going to bed in the morning and waking up in the evening; it’s because I’ve got AM and PM confused, which is an amateur mistake to make. I think it’s just because I am like an engine. It takes more energy for me to get going and do something than to continue doing it. I don’t like to stop when I am on a roll, but I do like to be stopped when I’m in a roll, so I don’t get eaten.

I was wondering the proper attire in which to travel to and from the shower while in shared accommodation. Way back home when I lived with just my Mum, I used to just walk about in my pants most of the time, which I don’t know if it’s weird or not. It’s not really much different from walking about at the beach with trunks on, except trunks with cum stains all down the front… The following section sees me, the author, go off on a tangent, but it is so massive it deserves a paragraph of its own…

My plan to stop looking at porn is having a setback because I can manage to get erections just using my imagination. Admittedly, I’ve been imagining things that were at best morally dubious and at worse worthy of Beelzebub himself, but at least I didn’t have to watch anything online. This may seem like progress, but I looked at some porn, which I shouldn’t do even when fully better or my problem will start again. I suppose considering the frequency with which I have sex is as often as the Olympics, not being able to get a full erection with a lady isn’t a major problem. It would be a twice as bad a problem if I had sex with the same regularity as the Olympics and the Paralympics as well, but I don’t know If I would only be allowed to have sex with disabled people if I did that. I’m not prejudiced or anything, it’s just that I like the girl on top and it’s hard when she’s in a wheelchair. On the subject of my penis and back to the showers issues (I love it when a tangent comes full circle, even if the circle is actually 7/8 of an arc and the empty section is made of a separate curve which doesn’t quite match up to the tangency of either the tangent or original curve… Jokes involving maths and science – that’s what you people want. It makes you feel clever, but you’re not clever until you’ve won money on a pub quiz machine. This tangent has now crossed the x axis, so it would detract from this bit if I were to continue with it…

Anyway, the other day I dared myself to go the shower naked. I think I may have schizophrenia, but both my personalities are exactly the same. In my head, it never feels I’ve never properly thought something unless I think it at talking speed. I’m fairly sure I’ve said that before, but I think it’s interesting enough to repeat. Even though I’m in the room second furthest away from the amenities, I did the dare and nobody saw, but I sort of wanted to be caught for comedic effect. Normally I just travel to the shower in whatever I’m wearing and come back with a towel wrapped round me like a skirt because the shower rooms are too small to dry oneself easily. The two shower rooms, which are certainly a far cry from the the spacious showers in holidays camps like Auschwitz*, would be more aptly be called shower coffins due their size, but then that could again draw comparisons to Auschwitz. One of the shower rooms is less than the size of the cubicle itself, and there is nowhere to put clothes other than on a hook on the door which is one of the worst hooks ever, and I should know because I do product design and hope to do a masters in bathroom hook design. The main feature I look for in a hook is that the tip is higher than base, because I find gravity tends to move things downwards and when the tip is higher, the hooked object remains hooked due to the surface onto which the hook is mounted disallowing motion through it because it is a solid and has collision detection enabled. If the tip of the hook is lower than the base, whatever was formerly on the hook descends to Earth like the Apple which discovered gravity. The hook comes out horizontally from the door so the clothes would get knocked off while drying which is inevitable because it’s like trying to move in a vertical pipe one inch in diameter.

* You think I am mocking the Holocaust? No – I am mocking the exploitative nature of having Auschwitz open for tourists to visit for people’s macabre pleasure… Nah, I was just mocking the Holocaust.

The second shower coffin has a window ledge on which things can be put, but if the window’s open, someone might come past and steal my things as they would a cooling pie in the olden days. The window is in a extra bit of room which adds a rectangular bit of floor space with pipes on the wall perpendicular to the main bit so it effectively forms the vertical part of an L when viewed in plan but with both “limbs” of the L roughly equal length. Unfortunately, the part of the L it forms isn’t particularly useful unless you stood at the corner of the L and tried to dry while keeping your arms 90 degrees apart when viewed vertically. This is impractical, so the usable space in the room is only increased by the width of the vertical part of the L which doesn’t help much. I think if you are able understand all of what I just wrote, you will have enjoyed my comparison of a room the the letter L. You know? L? From off of the alphabet. What’s that all about? I could have more easily reminded you of something from your childhood, like when the Tweenies came out and everyone thought they were just a rip-off of the Teletubbies, or an event that happens to you, like when an object falls down the back of something eg. a ladle behind a cooker or a bouncy balls behind a sofa propped up against a wall, but my way of  eliciting the comedy of recognition involves descriptions and explanations, so it it better than just reminding someone of something. That tangent, and frankly the whole boring piece explaining how small the showers are,  has culminated on the complex plane – I could go further with it and it may turn out to be interesting but it wouldn’t be very funny.

As well as the showers, the two bathrooms are tiny. I don’t mind that too much because you don’t need a lot of room to dry yourself in a toilet, unless you’ve been weeing with an erection. For any lady readers or children who are unable to get erections, you can wee with an erection but it sprays out like when you put your finger over a tap. In the toilet room, the sink is right beside the toilet, which is good because if I ever travel back in time to the middle ages and have a meal with the king in his grand banquet hall but he poisons me because he thinks I am witch because of my time travel but I am able to detect the poison before I drink too much that it kills me but enough to make me quite ill because the day before a soothsayer had warned me how to taste out for poison because he believed the king would try to kill me, or if I eat something dodgy, I can both defecate and vomit at the same time without getting any vomit into the gaping anus of Christ.

What’s the point of a secret family recipe? It’s not like you have to protect it so nobody steals your idea and makes loads of money from your product. Having a secret family recipe can only be because the people with them enjoy keeping a secret. It’s like those houses you go to with a door that the owner forbids you to look through but doesn’t tell you why, and then when you take a peek inside while the owner is practicing harmonica or really engrossed in drinking some milk, the room is mostly empty apart from some boxes, and maybe a chair missing a leg. That’s one of the most annoying things ever for me. I don’t understand extravagant recipes anyway, because I think there is a limit to how good food can be, and that limit is BBQ flavour for savoury and caramel squares for sweet. I don’t think adding the perfect amount of sugar or adding one extra spice makes any real difference in food. I don’t know why they have flavours other than savoury and sweet, either, because they’re really not worth tasting. I would like to have an operation where they take out my bitter taste buds or whatever buds vegetables trigger so I could eat healthier without having to pull a face.

On the note from our cleaner, she had written Your’e flat was lovely + tidy. I hope she cleans better than she writes. To be fair to her though, writing isn’t her job; I’ve done a lot of grammatically correct writing today, and there are crumbs all over my keyboard, stains all down my shirt, and faeces smeared on my face, so maybe nobody is good at both writing and cleaning.

I’ve been neglecting my role as an up-and-coming drug addict lately in favour of drinking alcohol, so I decided to have some M-Kat, the most effectual M-Kat. I think it was partly because I was doing work and I wanted a distraction. I poured out what looked like 100mg but when I crunched it up to powder it looked like too much for a pussy like me so I just bombed about half of it and saved the rest for another time. For those who don’t know, bombing a drug is when you drop a missile on it. An hour and a half or so later, I wasn’t feeling anything so I had the other half, or however much it was, of the 100mg, or however much it was. I didn’t think it would do anything due to the delay between doses, but a while later while playing Half Life, which isn’t so bad if you play it while on drugs, I started really enjoying it and liking the music that plays when you’re on the sand, but I kept dying which made the music stop so I had to stop playing and just listen to something constant on YouTube to satiate my desire for sound. I felt confident and happy, and no part of me had pins and needles like last time, so I don’t know what that was all about. I think the mephedrone lasted about 2 hours. Mephedrone seems to get me writing; what a shame it is all rubbish.

I woke up at 19 after going to bed at a 9 and decided I lost enough weight yesterday so I bought two large pizzas. I actually only bought one and the second was free. I only ate 8/10 of one, so I can keep the other one in pristine condition for my collection. I think the woman gave me an extra pound change too, which I kept because it made me feel like Al Capone, and because she might not have actually given me too much change. One day, I want to go into a pizzeria and just ask for a plain pizza, and if they ask if I mean a margherita pizza, I will clarify and say I just want the base and then say it’s a religious thing if they ask any more questions. I got some Kopparbergs while I waited. What’s a Kopparberg – a Jew who hasn’t evolved into Goldberg yet?

I wanted to buy Half Life last week so I just waited until it was all on Steam sale. Unfortunately, Half Life is shit. I call it Calf Life, because the life of a calf is as boring as playing the game. The good thing about being a little calf is getting milk, which you don’t get while playing Half Life, so I’d rather be a cow than play Half Life.

You know what really annoys me? When someone pronounces surfaces as services. I never knew it annoyed me until one of my lecturers kept doing it the other day

Have you ever noticed how the games console “Wii” sounds like what you do from your willy?

I got up quite early at 3 which makes a change and made some music.  I started my new diet today. It is a special one I have created where I only eat some peach slices because I can’t be bothered to go out or cook. I didn’t drink much either other than some water as if I was an animal.

I had a KA Karibbean Kola on the way to my lesson, which is my new favourite drink. I can’t help but think it’s part of some sort of racist conspiracy. I had another in the break with a meat feast Ginsters slice, and one on the way home with another meat feast slice. It reminded me of 15 Storeys High when he gets addicted to Blue Rat. I didn’t even want the second slice and third Kola, but I went to the shop to avoid talking to the Brazilian girl on the way home. The more I talk to her, the less likely I am to have sex with her. Soon it’ll be in negative probability. Anyway, Phil said he was going to the shop too and so the Brazilian girl stayed outside and spoke to him as he smoked on one of those white things and I did my shopping. Then I said bye to the two of them, but then the Brazilian girl said bye to Phil and then caught up to me so I had to talk to her anyway. I don’t really like talking to people who don’t have English as a first language because I always get the impression they don’t fully understand what I am saying, but considering most of the stuff I say is about bumming ants and ginger beer, I’m surprised anyone knows what I’m talking about. Did you get the bit where I suggested KA Karibbean Kola was a product of the KKK due to its initials? Well done if you did. On the way back home up the hill, I felt like I really shouldn’t have had two meat slices and two Peperamis at breakfast. It felt like I would do a poo and then be sick. When I got in, I did a poo and then had a shower and then had a sleep until about 10 because I stayed up all night last night working on some music. Stay tuned for some new music (ripping of Squarepusher this time). I didn’t know whether to go out or not, but either way I knew I would be drinking so I popped down the shop and got a sausage roll, two toffee apple ciders, and a Dragon Soop. All the energy of a dragon, trapped in a can^[1]. If anything, it had all the energy of some soup. I just felt tired after it, but alcohol does that to me. If you’re a square, Dragon Soop is an alcoholic energy drink. I got it, even though it was 3 pounds for 500ML because it has 8% ABV, so the alcohol in it is cheaper than toffee apple cider, but it really isn’t that nice. The mix of caffeine and alcohol is like a pussy speedball. My Mum rang up to say I had a letter from the Illuminati, aka da government. Apparently, I paid too much tax when I had a job, so I got about £1,000 back, which was nice, but it still won’t get me the one thing money can’t buy – a dinosaur^[2].

It was midnight and I was in the  limbo between staying in and going out. If I stay in, I will have perfectly nice night but regret not going out, but if I go out, will feel like I have accomplished something even though I’ve only wasted time and money. Whatever I do is a waste of time anyway. Time is like that Diablos toy. You’re given it as a gift and you feel you should make use of it but you can’t because you don’t know what to do with it. You see other people using it and you think they have it figured, but they’re just wasting time with it by using it as much as you are by not using it. Just get a fucking yo-yo, you pricks. Anyway, I went out to Mosh and had 5 or 6 drinks and then came home. Nothing happened, which was a shame. Maybe my luck is changing because last Friday I tried to sleep on some grass and the Friday before my actions resulted in a one star wanted level, so nothing really happening is probably a good thing.

^[1] Adapted from 15 Storeys High
^[2] The Simpsons

I got up at 7 today because I was pretending I was in my bed with a nice lady, but then she had to go and do her job which is playing violins in an orchestra and she woke me up. Not much happened today until about 10, at which point nothing continued to happen. I did pasta and hotdogs for dinner.

I think I actually passed that thing I said I failed. I got a sheet that said pass next to the module and a C* under grade, but I’m sure I got less than 40%. I don’t want to ask any questions and find out I failed it because at the moment, as far as I understand, I have passed. Ignorance is bliss. That is why I should theoretically be the unhappiest person alive. In reality I’m only in the top 10.

I started downloading Autodesk Alias today. I already had an account on the Autodesk site. Forgot your password? Yes; I last used it four years ago. I tried to get a torrent of it but inadvertently downloaded the whole TV series Alias. I thought it was a mistake so I downloaded it twice more just to check. I thought Alias was a series exploring the nature of ale, but it’s about a spy or something probably. I don’t know, because I have never seen it or downloaded it.

I was reading a bit about how books are better than e-books. One of the points was that e-books don’t have the same smell as books. I would say that if you are reading a book for the smell, you’re missing the point. I don’t read many books because I normally would do that in bed while laying down. I usually lay on my side, and a book just flaps down because it is a big load of shit.

I had a late night last night because I couldn’t sleep for some reason. Maybe it is because I am God and I have to deal with all your shitty little problems. Get over it, you fuckers. They made me help with the dodo, and look what happened to that. Just have some fruity cider, and all y0ur problems will go. I’ve heard some people say they can’t sleep if there’s a light on, even if it’s really dim. I think those people should shut their eyes when they sleep. To make up for my lack of sleep last night, I went to bed when I got back from university at 2 and slept until about 9. I wanted to go out, but it was raining a bit and I left a bit late so only the gays would be out so I decided not to, but then I decided that if I don’t  go out, I will have just been drinking alone today, rather than pre-drinking alone, which isn’t as bad. I had 3 fruity Tinbergs and then went out at about 12.

I think I may have had the worst night ever, but with my declining  mental health, I think that every day. I don’t even know if I’m joking any more. It’s like I am always joking even with myself so I never know what I genuinely think. I probably make myself laugh more than anything else does, which is sad, but good in a way because it means I can have fun alone, which is inevitable.  On the way to town, I had something thrown at me from a car. It hit my shoulder. I smelled it but I didn’t know what it was. I thought it would be funny if for the whole journey the car just went round the block and threw things at me. The a car went past and someone threw something at my face. It wasn’t funny. With my omelette skills, I decided it was an egg. I wanted to get them back but I couldn’t. I was annoyed for being a pussy, but there was nothing I could have done. Then I realised I am not a pussy. How many people would go to a club on their own even though they had a massive egg stain on their shirt? The filter in my head which stops normal people from doing weird things stops me from doing normal things. I took an autism test online just for a bit of fun, and I scored 26. Scoring more than 32 means I have autism, so I am normal. I also took a depression test the other day and it said I had anxiety. Anxiety, isn’t that a river in China (Shaanxi)? I was doing an ADHD test the other day but there were too many questions so I stopped.  I did a general knowledge quiz and I scored very good. I only got 4 of 25 wrong.  Back to today, which wasn’t my worst day ever because at least a thing happened, and I put my skills to test on the quiz machine in Coyote Wild. Really, the first two rounds are fairly simple general knowledge questions, and then the third round is just luck due to the obscurity of the questions. I put a pound in and lost the first game, but then on the second one I got my pound back.  I really went there just to see if they would let me in. They did. It was like a ghost town in there. I had a double vodka and coke, broke even on the quiz machine, got called Jesus in the toilets, and then left. I don’t know why I go out. It is definitely partly to try to meet some ladies, but even I know people covered in eggs don’t get chicks, unless they’re mourning for their unborn sibling, so I think I just go out in an attempt to be normal, but then if I was normal I wouldn’t go out with egg on my shirt. To cheer me up, I sent an abusive letter to a CNET.

Subject: I expect compensation

Dear Cunts,
I did an install of some shitty little game through your site which I thought could be fun but before it had even finished installing, my anti-virus software started telling me about how you had given it AIDS. You installed some Wajam shit on my computer without even asking, which is trespass on my computer. I expect compensation of £10,000 for the mental anguish you have caused me. I am already very ill, and this is the sort of thing which may make me go out and kill another child. If I had that money, I could use it to buy some therapy to ensure the little girl next door isn’t found in a pool of blood with her throat slit. I don’t like killing children, but sometimes their death is unavoidable. If you get an erection over the thought of dead children, I don’t expect any response, but if you have any decency, you will stop giving out viruses like a Namibian prostitute and give me the money for damages.
Fuck you motherfuckers,
Lydon

I made sure to not actually make any threats in this one, and it actually has caused me some annoyance. If the police get involved this time, I clearly pointed out that I don’t like killing children, which I really don’t. I’ve felt really bad about the last few. I’ve felt a lot of my anger towards organisations is somewhat misplaced, so I’ve decided to send a message to the Coalition For Marriage who are against gay marriage. I’m not as fussed about the gay marriage issue as the human rights abuses committed by CNET and think that gays should just get over it, but if I had to vote and wasn’t allowed to stay at home, I would vote in favour of the gays getting married. If nothing else, it means they are less likely to molest our children.

I am a massive bender and love my boyfriend Steel like a normal man would love a woman. Steel and I do all sorts of stuff together like bumming and willy in mouth, and we feel the next stage of our relationship is to get married, but people like you are stopping us because you are gay, but not meaning homosexual, obviously, just meaning you are dicks. We want to get married because there is not an equivalent verb for entering into a civil partnership and we think marriage is even more romantic than that thing we do where we do a bumming loop between the two of us, which is possible but somewhat painful.

You make a lot of bold claims against gay marriage on your Web-site without any evidence to support them, and a person who says he had lesbian parents but wishes he had a Dad doesn’t count. I had heterosexual parents, but would have loved two gay Dads to give me fashion tips and all other gay stuff. Unlike your organisation, Steel and I are prepared to back up all our claims of homosexuality with video evidence if required.

You ask on your site that if marriage is redefined to allowed gay couples to marry, what is to stop polygamy? That is like asking if the drug laws are redefined to include new drugs, what is to stop them being redefined to include water meaning we all die of thirst. Presumably you would have opposed the abolition of child marriage because it could lead to allowing polygamy.

There’s all sorts of other bullshit on your site which I am sure you’re away, but I am very busy man and have a lot of gay activities to partake in so will end this letter now.

Yours faithfully,
B. Bandit

I was going to send a letter to the KKK, but I just can’t disagree with their beliefs. Also, their Web-site is down. I think I have done enough good deeds today anyway. Maybe whoever threw an egg at me was a campaigner, rather than just a cunt, and wanted me to do something about gay rights and the child abuse committed by CNET.

I was going to beans for dinner, but it turns out it wasn’t just beans in that tin… it was beans and sausages. This is the happiest day of my life.

Merry Christmas 2015. Christmas gets earlier and earlier, doesn’t it? Anyway, I’ve digressed before I’ve even started. What am I like? I’ve decided to turn my life round and be a normal. I finally had to take a long hard look at myself when my lecturer suggested I was autistic. I was so offended I recited all the prime numbers upto 2,000 at him. He didn’t outright suggest I had it, but because I don’t actually have autism and am just a bit weird, I can tell when someone suggests I’m on the spectrum. He was talking to people individually and called me over from my special chair which I sit on away from everyone else (because it has armrests and a nice back – not because I don’t like people) and asked me about the course and if I had had help throughout school or been in special classes. He said I reminded him of his son, who he’s previously said has autism or Aspergers or AIDS or something. If I did have autism, a lot of the stuff I do would make a lot more sense, but I think I have to actually be diagnosed with it before I can use it as an excuse. I said to my lecturer, Terry Watson (my boy’s got 1,000 Gigawatts), that I just need to try harder and he agreed so I went straight down the library.

I didn’t know what to expect but I heard studious people went there. Turns out it’s like a massive tree but has books instead of leaves. I remembered I had been to a library before and that was on Metro 2033. This one wasn’t as big and the librarians weren’t big hairy creatures… apart from one lady. LOL. That is what normal people say when they do a joke. I got some books out on Dieter Rams (male sheep eating less) who is my new design hero for an assignment and took some notes right there in the library. I was going to take the books out but I couldn’t work the lending machine. I saw a girl and I was hoping she would come over and say she liked Dieter Rams too and then we would do love to each other, which an autistic wouldn’t want, but it didn’t happen. I only had a pen and no paper so I just used my phone. I was all professional and read it rather than just looking at the pictures. I even found myself skipping some of the pictures to get to the text, but that was mainly because books are so boring. For those who don’t know, a book is like someone talking to you but in a foreign language so you have to read the subtitles. I was in that library for about 2 hours. Watch out, Einstein, I am going to take your place… in your coffin after I die from all my hard work today. I hope my putting in effort to stuff phase lasts longer than my crab expert phase.

I did some washing today. I think one of my shirts has mould on it. It was a good one as well. Another of my shirts has a stain on it and I don’t know what it is from. It looks like bleach or something. I think I can get away with it and say it is the same thing as jeans with rips in. What is fashion all about? Admittedly, I doubt ripped jeans were in fashion since the ’90s, but still. I want to create a new fashion for men where you just go naked but have one bulldog clip on your foreskin and one on your ear and they are connected by a wire but it is too short so you have to walk stooped over. That is just as sensible as a clothing from one of your expensive brands you have nowadays like Chanel or BMW. Nobody ever wore skirts with rings round them or hats with balls on the top like the 50s people thought we would, which I suppose is a good thing because that looked ridiculous.

The other day, I saw a bit of a girl’s bum. She was bending over and I just saw the top of her crack. That’s my fourth base. I also saw a bit of a girl’s bum today as well but she wasn’t very nice looking, so that counts as rape.

I have a bruise on the palm of my left hand. Last week I had a bruise on the palm of my right hand. What the fuck is going on? I keep waking up with bruises and cuts and shit. It’s only a matter of time before I wake up with blood on my hands and a dead prostitute  beside me. If I ever do kill a prostitute, it will most likely be through boredom.

I was listening to some Vengaboys who are my favourite band, and on their video for Boom Boom Boom Boom, I’m sure one of the women has her knob out. Look at the woman on the left just after 47 seconds. She is definitely a ladyboy.

I had to wash up my wok today. That is the bad side of an omelette. I used to think omelettes were the answer to all of life’s problems, but I didn’t realise there are consequences involved with omelettes. I will never have an omelette again. I might have one more because I have two eggs left.

I’ve decided to give up on my dream of becoming the World’s leading spider expert because there are just so many things to learn about them. I learned today that a spider isn’t even an insect just because it has 8 legs. What kind of rule is that?

I’ve been sleeping weird times lately like from 6 till 6. Sometimes when I sleep, nice things happen to me but then I have to come back here where nothing ever good happens. I got my retaken coursework  back. Failed again. Maybe I’m just no good at innovation, or maybe I’m too innovative and they can’t properly grade me by current standards. Probably the first one. As time goes on, I think moving to the woods is the best thing for me. I wouldn’t have to write this shit every day, but then I would have nothing to do.  I need a hobby.

I did some cooking today and then some eating which is my new hobby. I did some meatballs from a tin, which still counts, but then I was hungry again at 2 in the morning so I did a meal I like to call cheesy eggs. To make it, you poorly smash 3 eggs into a wok and then add an obelisk of cheese. An obelisk of cheese is when you cut down the lump so the cross section is a square. I added some Peri Peri sauce with it. A lot of it got burned to the wok, but what wasn’t was actually surprisingly nice. If you hadn’t gathered, cheesy eggs is an omelette. I did a bloody good job for my first omelette. There was a bit where I thought maybe I had to add milk, but I just added another egg and kept the omelette moving, which is the secret to a good omelette, and I made a good omelette. The thing with omelettes is they’re fast and cheap and very flexible. Add some ham for a ham omelette or maybe add some bacon for a bacon omelette. You could even add some meatballs in their sauce and have a tomato meatball omelette. The possibilities are in their thousands. I might actually buy eggs now I am an omelette pro. It is worth carrying them some distance because of how nice omelettes are and how good I am at making them. The thing with making omelettes is you always remember making your first omelette. It’s like your first kiss (2009) or the first time you learn to ride a bike (about 2000 – 2006). You never forget. Omelettes are something that most people take for granted, but I don’t because I know how nice they are. I am the Omelette King and all omelettes are my little omelette children. All omelettes are eaten as a tribute to me, the God of all Omelettes and you will always think of me when you eat an omelette.

Then I had some pineapple. I’m not a great fan of pineapple if I’m honest, but I suppose they’re alright. Remember when they got rid of the old apples and brought out new apples but nobody liked the new apples so they brought back the old apples and called them classic apples and called the new apples pineapples?

I’ve got a massive graze on my right wrist, just as the bruise on the back was going. It looks like I’ve been self-harming with a pumice stone. It’s happened at a time when I have run out of t-shirts so I have to wear a long-sleeved shirt which is rubbing it.

I did a meal today. I had some tuna and pasta and I also did an egg. I don’t know what it’s called when you just put it in some water out of its shell. It might be poached but it came out all stringy. I topped it all off with some cheese and Peri Peri sauce which I didn’t like at first but it has grown on me. Once I’d eaten the stuff with sauce on, it was just bland, but I ate it all like a good boy.

I decided I want to become an expert in ants today because I think that is a funny area of expertise. So far, all I know is head, alitrunk, petiole, post-petiole, gaster, which is it’s body parts from left to right if it is facing left. I don’t fancy ants or anything, though.

The Google logo for today is filled with fun. My high score on it is 165. For readers in the future, Google was like a map of the Internet and the Internet was like the Whizz-chip you have in your heads but it was on a cloud or something and we all had special windows to see the Internet on, not like the how you see this directly into your brain, or whatever you have in the future.

I was tired after going to uni today so I had a nap until about 10. I had an Ironglacier cider and got some toffee apple cider on the way but I had to go home to get a bottle opener to have one. Then I went out to Mosh. One of the songs they played was by Papa Roach. What’s next – Mama Ant? I was wearing my jeans where the zip undoes itself so I used one of those packaging twisty things to stop me getting a jeans vagina. I saw Rhia from off of my past there. I remember having 6 of my usual but checking my funds tomorrow I think I had 7.  Then I was lying down on some grass. I tried to stand up to go home but I couldn’t so I laid back down. Then some men came and raped me, and by that I mean they walked me home which was nice.

I woke up at 03 and did myself some Ravioli. I think I last had a hot meal over a week ago on Monday so I really enjoyed it. I played GTA until about 10 when I got tired. I can’t remember when I woke up. I fancied some pizza so what I did was I went to Pizza Hut and bought a pizza. It was 15 pounds for a BBQ Meat Feast medium which I thought was steep but I got a free one so that was good. The man in the shop thought my name was Lydol, and it isn’t because Lydol is a drug. I also got some Kopparberg while I was out because the fizzy pop was too expensive. Kopparberg? What’s that – a big bit of ice made out of some pipe material?

I popped down the NEC in Birmingham to a convention about rapid prototyping. We were meant to be there for about 5 hours, and I’d pretty much seen it all in the first few minutes. Once you’ve seen one 3D printer, you’ve seen them all. There might have been more there but I wasn’t really paying attention on account of I don’t give a fuck. A convention is just like a Google search with only adverts that you have to walk around. After a couple of hours, some of us went to Wetherspoons for a bit. I had a Strong Bow, forgetting how horrible they are because I haven’t had one in months. Then we just went out the front and sat on the grass and I saw a spider. Then I went for a walk by the lake and laid on a bench for a bit and played with a stick. On the way back, I almost fell asleep on the bus so when I got home I went to bed at about 5 or 6.

I had my first lecture today. I think I did badly last year because I have to do product design again. Throughout the lecture, I just kept thinking of puns of everything said, like the one about the Chinaman who was there – the presentation. Also today, I saw the lady about whether I stay in halls or not. She said the decision has to go to someone else who then has to decide if it goes to a committee decision who then decide my fate. The suspense is killing me, and by that I mean the suspense of hanging from the ceiling with a noose round my neck. Walking back from uni, which is my special name for university, I think I overheard someone describe me as a tramp. I bought some of that Amp energy drink for 99p. It was horrible. It tasted like every possible flavour mixed together in one can, like some sort of drink bukkake. No stars out of some for the Amp drink.

I woke up at about 6 because I just couldn’t be bothered to get up. I think I went to bed at about 4 last night so I had quite a substantial sleep. I got a letter under my door about seeing the house lady about getting kicked out for having a weapon. If I do get kicked out, I might put all my stuff in storage and become a little homeless fella. I’ve got the beard and harmonica and the tattered clothes. The only way I’m not homeless already is that I have a home. I don’t think being homeless is that bad if you have money. I could become King Hobo and buy all my new homeless friends pizzas and then I could unite all homeless across the country and get them to do my bidding. £20 on black. That is my bidding. Ahahaha.

Have you ever looked at an elephant? I mean properly looked at an elephant. They look made-up. It’s like they were normal but then someone put a long leg on their head and then just moved onto emus. Emus probably look weird, but you’ve really got to be in a special mood to see how strange animals are. I’ve had a break from GTA V today to look at elephants. An interesting thing about elephants is that they can hold their body weight just using their trunk and sometimes do so as a way of attracting females. That’s not actually true so I think that means it’s not classed as a fact, but it is still interesting.

I was playing GTA V and I went to the police station. I did in the game as well. I brought a kitchen knife out with me last night because I thought it would be funny, and I still maintain it was. I didn’t take it to the club or anything, it was just when we went somewhere else, but I don’t know where. Some people got scared and grassed on me to the law, so today, midway through the final cutscene of GTA V, some police came in all annoyed and shit so I was like “FUCK COPS!” and pulled my AK off the shelf and took those suckers down and then robbed a car and then hid in an alleyway until the stars went. In reality, I co-operated with them because I respect the police and realise they are doing a tough job. I agreed to go down the station for an interview. I thought it seemed weird how they were going to give me a job but it wasn’t that sort of interview. In the end, they let me off with a police record but not a criminal record and drove me back home. Now I’m in the same position as I was in last year where my flatmates don’t want to talk to me. I understand why this year, though.

I was playing GTA V, drinking happily in the privacy of my own room, when I got a knock on my door at about 8 saying to socialise with people in the kitchen. I went because I fancied a change. I’d only been up a couple of hours at this point. I didn’t do well with the people and had 4 Bulmers or Magners or possibly Kopparberg. It was Kopparberg. Then I went out to get some more drinks. I think I got Magners or Bulmers. It was Bulmers. I had one and then people went to get food so I went with them. They were indecisive so I went to Coyote Wild. The quiz machine wasn’t even on. I had four of the usual in there and regretted whatever choice in my life I made which meant I was alone drinking a drink I don’t like in a place I don’t like surrounded by people I don’t like. I went back home and apparently a knife was involved. I don’t really remember.

I saw an advert saying that you shouldn’t text and drive. That’s why if I ever send a text in the car, I make sure to let go of the wheel and put a brick on the accelerator so it’s not actually me driving.

I have a massive bruise on the whole back of my hand and middle and ring finger and it’s grazed. I don’t know what happened. I think a car went over it or an elephant stepped on it.

I had a good idea for a way to input text on a games console which is just a big wheel with the letters round it and you select the letter like you selected weapons on GTA V. It saves time going from one letter to another because they are all effectively connected. You might need two wheels so you have more precision because it could be hard to choose 26 letters on one wheel.