Diary

In the style of GTA, I am a criminal. Virgin Media took my death threats seriously and rang my Mum up and apparently the police are involved. I really don’t know how they knew I was to do with my Mum because I sent the e-mail while at uni and I’m fairly sure I only used my details. Anyway, if I suddenly stop updating this, you can know I’m in Guantanamo Bay, or done a runner and am living in the woods.

I felt like I should go out, so I had a chat with my flat mates, who are flat because they are made of paper, and made them invite me out. We left at about 9 because Walkabout gets busy and I asked about it quite late so I had about half an hour to get some pre-drinking in me, so I went down the shops and had a couple of fruity Kopparbergs. I haven’t had a drink since last May and hadn’t had dinner, so I thought I might end up being sick all over myself, but as far as I know, I wasn’t. One of the men of the door said I was Wolverine’s brother from another mother. It’s good having a beard because people talk to you more, including the honies. One girl touched my beard and said she liked it. I did some negging on her and said I liked her beard as well, but she didn’t even have one because she was a girl. She put her arm round me, which is my third base. Then not much happened for a while and then a girl said I looked like Jesus. I said I could make sure she never got cancer by touching her tits. It worked, and by that I mean she let me touch her tits – I don’t mean I stopped her getting cancer. Then I went out to get more money but they didn’t let me jump the queue to get back in even though I had a hand stamp, so I went to my old friend – Coyote Wild. I had a drink in there. Then I just went home. Over the night I had 4 double vodka and cokes and one single coke due to a miscommunication.

When I got home, I tried to play the knife game but I didn’t have the speed for it, so I went upstairs and had a chat with a girl. I think she was a lesbian because she had short hair and pictures of ladies on the wall and was an actress. After an hour maybe, I went back to my room and played GTA. I am quite confused now because I couldn’t follow some of it. That happened in GTA IV (4) because there were too many Russians.

I went to bed at about 10 this morning and got up at 3 I think. My back felt bent and painful because of my terrible posture and it hurt to sneeze, but one time I sneezed and it realigned my back or something because it made my back feel better. As you can imagine, I played GTA all day. Yesterday, I did hotdogs and pasta for dinner, though.

GTA GTA GTA GTA! I had what I think was my first ever wet dream last night, but it wasn’t about GTA, though. I am trying to stop masturbating and have only done it once since the 19th of last month and that was when I got carried away in the shower.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand: GTA GTA GTA GTA! Nothing happened all day unti I went down to the midnight release, and I’m not talking about my wet dream last night. I planned my route out and the exact time I would leave. I was a bit late because I was a doing a poo… and had to turn back to change my pants. Ah. I went to Tesco to get it because the queue was shorter. I wanted to say to someone in the queue something like “I’ve been waiting for Ghosts all year.” but the closest I got was when someone asked if I was there for GTA V. “Yeah, but I thought it was COD.” I reckon it was fairly obvious everyone in that queue was there for GTA; I might go to the COD launch and just buy a muffin or something. That would be funny.

I went up to Durham today, forgetting that I actually went to university in Derby. Boy, was I embarrassed. Luckily, I can do big jumps so I just did a big jump and went to Derby, and all of that is definitely true. I met the people I will live with today. They are a bunch of characters. One is a warrior who has mastered the blade; one has harnessed the elements to do his bidding; one is adept with her enchanted bow, and the other two are Siamese Twins who know an ancient martial art. In reality they are just normal. There are only 3 other people here so far and none of them are ladies. It’s a disgrace. I think I came up a week early, though.

I went for a meal with my Mum. I had BBQ chicken for starters. A while later, I was going to go out, but I went ill. My face felt numb and I felt itchy all over and my nose was running and I had rashes down my arms. It went after a few hours. I think it’s the recurring theme of my chicken allergy. Chicken allergy? More like chicken gallery. I’m not going to eat any chicken from now on because sometimes it makes me ill. Maybe I am allergic to the powder they use to wash the chickens or maybe I am only allergic to the female chickens.

After I had got better, at about 1 tomorrow, my flatmate knocked on my door and asked if I had heard anyone come in because the TV came on by itself. The volume on the TV in my room went up but I thought it just had wires resting on it maybe someone had one of those multi TV remotes and messed about with it. Then I was talking to my flatmate for about an hour and then he went outside to have a faggot and then a girl came and then her friends came and I went out and then some other of her friends came and then we all went inside for a bit and then they left so I went bed.

The Wikipedia article for a spelling bee has a picture of a table of judges. Why is that necessary? Spelling bee? What’s next – multiplying ant? Experimenting crane fly? What’s that all about?

I was in the woods the other day and saw a woman covered in blood running at me screaming. I was worried for a bit, but then realised she just must have been running in circles.

I had to talk to a lady because the Internet went. My Mum made me talk to her because I am part robot because of my ankle so I know about computers. The curry lady said that the Internet was working but my computer wasn’t. I tried with my other computer and my phone and my Mum tried with her laptop and phone. None of them could connect to the Internet. I asked the lady if all our devices were broken and she said yes. I said that was obviously not true and asked her to send someone round, but she said she couldn’t because the Internet was working and hung up. We rang back and I think we might have been talking to the woman’s brother because he sounded just like his sister. After another hour, he said to change the router to modem mode, which worked, and the man decided to send someone round because apparently the router was broken. That is just our luck: not only are our computers and phones broken, but the router is as well. Virgin Media are going to be getting an abusive e-mail from me as soon as the Internet comes back. I might be less polite than in my letter to Apple and send a death threat. I have to legally state I have no intention of killing anyone otherwise I could get in trouble, so I will make clear that all my death threats are idle and I’m just joking. This can be my terms and conditions and I will link them to it and if they don’t read it, it is their fault for not reading the small print.

Dear Richard Branston,
I had some trouble with one of your Virgin Media routers and also a member of the family who man your support hotline. The router stopped working and the lady, who I would call a paki if I was racist but I’m not, said the fault was in my computers and phone. That is obviously bollocks; I sent this e-mail using one of the “faulty” computers while connected to a different network. The only fault with this computer is from when one of your engineers was looking at child porn on it and short-circuited some of the keys with his spunk. I think I now know why your company is called Virgin; it is because you are one apart from with dead people. As much as would to take my complaints direct to your call centre in Pakistan, chances are it will be destroyed by a bomb soon anyway knowing that lot, so I will direct my attention to your head offices in Hook. Hook is quite appropriate because I am like Abu Hamza, who I think I also spoke to on your technical support team. Some time in this coming month, I will detonate an explosive device with the intention of causing as much damage to property and life as possible unless a public apology is made. Your choice. Either way, I will be happy.
Yours,
Justice
Your demise will be accordant with the terms and conditions outlined in my ongoing manifesto. http://www.ohijamn.com/diary

I’ll probably one day escalate to actually sending chemicals and wires through the post so it looks like I’ve tried to send a real letter bomb. That would probably really scare the shit out of a company.

I saw a crane fly today. I’ve seen a dragon fly and I’ve seen an elephant fly, but I been done seen about everything when I see a crane fly. It was hanging off the ceiling just by one leg, which I didn’t know they could do. I tapped it to see if it was stuck but it flew away so it wasn’t. Crane fly? What’s next – bulldozer swim? Wrecking ball jog? What’s that all about?

Oh no, there is a plane in that skyscraper. I hope everyone on the plane was alright. Look there’s Superman come to save the day. Why is he flying downward and not wearing his costume? The building is falling over. Silly building. That’s right, it’s the 9/11 special. Some may choose to remember the dead through a minute’s silence or by putting some candles somewhere, but I pay my respects to the dead by making offensive comments about them. If I ever die, my password for WordPress is “LYDON15dabest!!!” and I want someone to continue this as if I was dead…

14th April 2015

Oh, my achy breaky heart. It must have been that lethal heart attack from all that burgers and lard I eat. I tried to call an ambulance, but when I picked up my phone, my hand just engulfed it in fat. I would like to say I shit myself when I died, but that was a build up over several days where I am just too lazy to go to the toilet. I’m down here in Hell now. I’ve been put in the paedophile wing, along with Cliff Richard and Bruce Forsyth, who both died since the 11th of September 2013. Remember? This place really is Hell. There are nude adult women all running about. Yuck. I only fancy children and also men because I am gay, but meaning naff rather than homosexual because that is offensive. I’m not looking forward to my funeral. I don’t know enough people to carry my coffin. Not only because I am morbidly obese, but because all my friends are imaginary and my family hates me probably. I don’t think they will be able to cremate me, because I’ll just melt and put out the fire because I am 95% butter.

Who the fuck wrote that? I’m not dead yet.

It is believed that the 9/11 terrorists all had testicles, which leads us onto the news that men with smaller testicles are more likely to be involved with their children. I think that’s because if you have large testicles and the child runs between your legs, the testes are more likely to get hit so you tend to stay away from children. My balls are the size of golfballs scaled down by half in one dimension. I thought I felt a lump once but it turned out it was just my penis.

The 9/11 terrorists probably once used a phone, which leads us onto news of the iPhone 5S. Yahoo says the 64 GB model is rumoured to cost £709. I bought a decent gaming computer for about 20 pounds more, and they’re selling something that can’t even run flash games. I genuinely don’t know how you can justify anything more than 300 pounds for a phone, and that’s pushing it. I am looking forward to the day when I can fit a proper computer with a full screen and a proper operating system where I can actually download stuff in my pocket. It would have to use OLEDs or holograms or something or maybe something like Google Glass.

The 9/11 terrorists were coloured, and so are Kool & the Gang. That may seem like a tenuous link, but in both Get Down On It and Jungle Boogie, Kool & the Gang sing “get down” which is what you might to say to the passengers if you were hijacking a plane. Also, I listened to Celebrate today. It seems disrespectful for them to sing that considering what happened 13 years and a day ago – I broke my arm. I have scars from where I broke my arm and some time later my Grandad, who is now like the 9/11 terrorists in that he is dead, noticed the scars said something about my “nasty scratches”.

I did some research tomorrow about the demographics of Omegle. Out of the 27 conversations I sampled, 18 were bots, 5 were suspected bots due to similarity to other bots but didn’t reply, two disconnected within the first minute or so for no apparent reason, one was a bisexual gentleman who wasn’t interested because I am definitely not gay so shut up, and the last one was an actual conversation but with a Gambian with a poor grasp of English who wanted to be my friend. Omegle should have a number of CAPTCHAs before every conversation inversely proportional to the length of the last conversation to stop bots and also make people have actual conversations. I wish I could have conversations with toys. There’s a film about talking toys.

I miss playing with Lego.  In the olden days I used to get it all out on my floor and build a little empire and pretend I was one of the little men and build decorate my little house. It was like the Sims meets Sim City meets Lego Star Wars. Early on in my Lego days, I used those little circular button pieces as cat food, but then I decided to use them as currency because that was back before I had Lego money. I called the currency Cafu because it’s like if you say catfood quickly. Cafu is a football-playing man, which is ironic because I bet he doesn’t pay for things using either cat food or Lego. I’ve still not done the thing where I staple two notes together before paying for something.

You hear about male order brides, but you never hear about female order husbands. What’s going on there? That’s today’s diary entry done.

My Nan didn’t have any tuna and bake mix so I went down to the co-operative store to get some. I hate buying tuna and past bake mix because everyone knows what you’re going to do with it. Sometimes I just have to buy something else with it so it doesn’t look weird.

I was lying in bed tonight and had one of those thoughts which are like dreams when you’re still slightly awake. Someone said something and I couldn’t understand what they had said. I just thought that was weird how I could think something and not hear it. Another one of those thoughts I had was about a zombie game where the zombies were velociraptors but instead of heads they just had human brains. Apparently, scientists think that velociraptors had feathers. That is my fact of the day.

GTA V comes out during Fresher’s week. At least that means I won’t be going out making a fool of myself like last time. What I don’t understand about Grand Theft Auto Five is why they’ve abbreviated Five to V. I think someone in the art department must have just made that mistake and had to live with it because they’d already made the logo. It’s like when I tried to start a site a fan-site about the black man Jamie Foxx called “O Hi, Jamie”, but I really fucked up so I had to do something different with the site. GTA V? More like Cheaty aviary.

I was thinking it would be a funny idea to sign up to forums and post in really old threads to just say stuff like “thanks”, but it’s not really a funny enough idea to do.

I was watching Buy A House In The Country at my Nan’s or something similar and they said that one of the places had lovely views. People say things have lovely views, but what they really mean is you can sees a long way. Lovely views usually consist of some fields or mountains or the sea. Maybe I have lived too long on this Earth, but I find it hard to be amazed by some grass, some rocks or some water. To me, a house would only have lovely views if it was opposite some lesbians or maybe some bisexual women. It could be opposite a house with films on, but they would have to be silent films, and most of them are shit. The only good silent films are screen-captures of webcams containing lesbians and bisexual women. I wish I had girlfriend.

What did the chef who was serving a mouse penis for dinner say before the meal? Boner petite.

I walked down the town today to go shopping because I had to. I could have got a lift but I should walk more because it is the only exercise I get. I wish I could fly because that would be good exercise. In Derby this year, I have to live about a mile away. I hope there are some girls where I will live and I hope I am able to and get to have sex with all of them in a big orgy. The chances of that are none.

I left my earphones at home when I went to my Dad’s so I bought a new pair, working on the assumption that they don’t last long, but JVC Cummy earphones last quite well, so I now I have three pairs. I stepped on one pair the other day because my room is like a jungle but instead of having vines, there are wires, and instead of lots of tribes and monkeys, it is just me always on my own. I managed to fix my earphones by pushing the bits back together.

I think I should give an update for my game. I made a bread knife for it so it will have a bread knife in it. I’m modelling it all for next-gen by using far too many polygons, but I’m guessing that with all the other shit I do like product design and eating crisps, by the time I have finished making everything for the game, it will be 2020, and computers will be so good that we will live inside them.

Rob came round and we played Xbox.

It was not in hill carnival recently. I think they should come up with a better name for it because most carnivals are not in hills.

David Jacobs is dead like the man from yesterday. It’s a shame because he was good in Only Fools And Horses, and I liked it when he made those crackers. It says he died while surrounded by his family. That sounds suspicious to me. Why didn’t any of them stop whatever killed him? Maybe it was an anvil that came through the floor above so they couldn’t stop it.

Dead man walking. It’s David Frost. How appropriate, because now he is cold, like some frost.  He did some interviews with Richard Nixon. He never really recovered from that scandal he did. I can’t remember exactly what he did, but I think he nicked someone’s son. David Frost doing the interview was quite appropriate, because Richard Nixon did something to do with a water gate, and a gate can only be made out of water if it is frozen, maybe as frost.

I had a acid. It turned reality on it’s head and finally discovered the meaning of everything as if I had been looking at it from the outside all this time, but I couldn’t take a photo while I was there because there was a sign that said no flash photography, so I’ll just have to tell you about it.

It crept up on me.  This time had a lot of introspection, or what I understand that word to mean, and I didn’t like it. I ached all over and it felt like when you need more air to laugh. I got sad because I always start tripping during the day and end during the night which is sad. I had a lot of profound thoughts that I wanted to write about, but I tried to just enjoy it instead I wrote down some funny bits like when I thought I had predicted in the dream the night before that I wanted a lolly but actually it had just reminded me so I went to get a lolly. I tried to write some music, and I decided that the best way to portray my musical vision was through the use of the Roland MC-303. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find the button for “make music” so the music came out as long periods of silence interspersed with some loops and random knob tweaks. I had a think about shaving but decided I shouldn’t because I would all get cut up. Maybe these people who slit their throat on drugs or go mad with a gun and kill all their friends  just tried to shave and it got out of hand. I think I had cybersex with a girl on-line but I don’t think she was really into it so I think I did a cyberrape. I was thinking about how it can always be worse for someone else and how that is true for everyone except for one little poor kid in Africa somewhere. He doesn’t have any legs or arms and is just in some mud somewhere and all he has for dinner is twigs and hair. I would hate to be that. I came to the conclusion that life is one big trip and I have a lot of evidence for that which I keep trying to understand but there is no way to understand so take my word for it and just live with it. At one point, I was so relaxed I just ejaculated. I actually didn’t but it would be a funny idea.

The main bit of the trip was imagining myself on the fractal and that everything was just caused by an infinite number of things interacting in an infinite number of ways, and that I would never quite understand it. I kept thinking that the rational explanation was that nothing made sense but then I couldn’t accept that as the rational explanation. I understood that everything was just due to the infinite theory and that all the senses were just on senses but also infinitely many at once. If everything was due to infinity interactions with itself, why was it? It was part of a loop where I would never know everything, but at one point I think I would. That would be like being told the most incredible story every with some many plot twists that you wouldn’t believe it. That is life. I thought that I had to experience bad things to appreciate the good, but then I thought that if God existed I could just make everything good all the time. I thought I was God. I thought that life was ultimately going to be like Grand Theft Auto where I could do everything without repercussions. I went outside and was pacing up and down and I imagined I would eventually focus on an infinitely small point and be like a particle in some other universe. I decided life was all about the journey and that my thoughts were predetermined for me at some points. I knew that I would never actually be God, but that I would convince myself I would and that every coincidence in life wasn’t actually a coincidence. Every time I thought of something, I thought it was just the vibrations of the universe revealing another piece of the puzzle to do. I thought that on the journey, nothing was actually too bad, but it was just the fear of it that was bad. I was happy knowing that I would one day think I would be God and that everyone was the same person and not even people. I was looking forward to hearing the story of how we all created the universe and littered the whole place with clues as to why. Finding the clues was the journey. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be infinitely happy or just averagely happy.

I remember lots of numbers and letters. Everything was a letter or started with a letter. I thought the alphabet and colours were just numbers in a different form. None of the numbers or letters made sense, but I thought they would as I went down the madness spiral. I thought madness would be fun and people will call you mad but they won’t understand.

I remember throwing my phone on the floor and thinking I didn’t need it, but going back to get it later. I smashed the back up but the front was fine. I went into a nearby hotel and thought it was Heaven because it had a fish tank. I thought I would get in a fight so I left. It felt like I was walking the streets for ages, but apparently it was only for about 15 minutes. I remember laying in bed with my Uncle and hugging him. I thought it was a bit gay but that it didn’t matter because we were all the same person. I asked him about his job and he said it was boring. He started telling me a story and I thought his job was God. I saw the local river and thought the river looked good. I remembered when I said the best graphics were wasted on life. I also remember thinking I would one day count to infinity, and that would be the most incredibly thing ever. Five made a lot of appearances, and I decided 5 is half way between zero and infinity. I kept wanting to know how far through thought I was. I looked at a clock and realised it was a cycle. There was no point in a number because it’s all relative. Time is relative and we’re all relatives because we are the same person. I thought of my dilated pupil and how it would go all the way over my head and suck me through a massive tunnel. My Mum put the film Hancock on. I decided he was God. He was doing good but people hated him because they didn’t understand. I think it turned out he was God in the end, but then I don’t know. I know he played God in Bruce Almighty anyway. At one point in the trip, I thought that if it wasn’t real, it would be the greatest story ever written. I will one day write that story. My Mum said I should create a comedy game. I think that would be life. Life is a comedy about surprises. At one point, my willy shrivelled up to nothing and I had no control over it as if it was a fanny and I just weed on everything. It was cathartic in both senses of the word

My Nan has a lot of messy rooms and I thought I would one day get to look in all of them and find everything. On the journey home, there was a bootfair. I thought it would be an infinite bootfair where everyone would be there. The problem now is that once I’ve thought I was God, it’s very hard to go back to being mortal. You’ve walked on the Moon? Have you been God? No? Fuck off, then. There’s still a lot I haven’t done in this life, though – Grand Theft Auto V hasn’t come out yet. I don’t know if I will ever do LSD again. I hope not.

I sent letter to Omegle today. It was going to be about how everyone just posts Kik addresses, but I decided to e-mail them about more important issues.

Dear Alan Omegle,
I am deeply offended by your treatment of “pervs”. As a perv myself, I have had to put up with abuse like this since the time I was caught with the school hamster. It is wrong to discriminate against people due to their sexual orientation, and you should reconsider the hate-filled messages on your home page. They are very hurtful.
However, I am continuing to use your site in a Rosa Parks-style protest against your discriminatory policies. If you don’t change your ways, in 50 years from now, my sexy grandchildren will recall Omegle in the same memory as Nazi Germany and apartheid Africa, which I imagine is a comparison you would like to avoid. That being said, can you implement some sort of no-blacks policy? There is nothing worse than grooming a girl for several hours and when you do finally get her Facebook, she’s black. I’m not racist, I just don’t fancy the coloured ones.
If there is really no way that you feel perverts can use your Omegle site, I suggest you set up a separate site where perverts are paired with lovely young ladies, preferably nude. This is good because only the kids who are well up for it will go on it so I’ll definitely see some tits.
I hope you have a long hard think about what you’ve done.
All the best,
G. Glitter

It was Gary Glitter all along. Gary Glitter is a character I have made up who is like the real life Gary Glitter but racist. The real Gary Glitter doesn’t care what colour pussy he’s in.

What if I’m about to die and this life right now is just my life flashing before my eyes and I’m not even controlling what I do and I just think I am? Thinking about it is mad – mad as trying to count grains of sand.

On yesterday, I sent off a form so I can live in a place in Derby – which is like pea London. The form asked for a picture so I just drew one – as if I was Rolf Harris. I had to go out and get a stamp. I thought of just doing a picture of her royal majesty, but the stamp had a car on it anyway so I didn’t. I got an e-mail saying they got the letter today. That actually amazed me because it was so quick – like light in a vacuum. Well done to Pat.

On the back of my IMechE mouse mat which I got free from a thing it says “Virtually Indestructible under normal use”. Firstly, I use a mousemat because I just use my computer lying back in my bed – like a Jabba the Hutt. Secondly, it’s a mouse mat. Normal use is resting on a table having a mouse go on it. Most things are indestructible when used like that. The only things that I can think of that are destructible in that situation are a slice of bread and liquid. I want to know why they used the qualifier “virtually”. Only the Incredible Hulk could break a mouse mat through normal use. Maybe someone called him a fag on a message board and he typed out a considered reply and then he smashed the mouse to send the message but it broke the mouse mat. I would argue that’s not normal use, because there are no considered replies on the Internet. Ahaha.

My Mum was watching a TV, and on that TV was a show with Rhod Gilbert – as if he were a tiny imp in a glass cage. I call him Rob Gilbert, because Rod is the name of a bit of metal, not a human man – like Adam from old. I think he must have just got confused somewhere – as confused as a rabbit in an arcade. The thing I noticed about Rob Gilbert is that he uses a lot of similes – like a poem in a book. He is quite successful – like a man or lady with a gold medal – and so I want to do what he is doing. I think I might also have to be Welsh, though – like some ants in Cardiff – and change my name to Bar Dilbert.

Vanessa Feltz is going to do the dancing program. It’s called Strictly Come Dancing, not Strictly Come Eat Some Cakes. Why is she called Vanessa? Because she is the same size as a van. She’s called Feltz, but there isn’t enough felt to cover her, because she is fat. Still would, though. They didn’t want Rebecca Adlington to do dancing. I’m not going to make any jokes about her, because she can’t help the way she looks (ugly). I am being particularly mean today because I remembered I have only had sex with one girl properly and that was 4 years ago, and I blame all women. The thing with Rebecca Adlington is that she looks OK in thumbnail pictures or if you squint, meaning she can only have sex with men with long enough dicks that they don’t have to get close and Chinamen. Still would, though.

On the subject of the handicapped in the Olympics, people with arm stumps can do running in the Paralympics. I don’t think that is a disability enough. People with arm stumps should have to stuff like javelin but not with their good arm if they have one. Hollie Arnold is a girl with a gammy arm who does javelin, but she uses her good arm which is cheating. She is on my list of Paralympics who I would like to meet and then have sex with. Also on that list are Oliva Breen and Sophie Kamlish and Bethy Woodward. If you’re not on that list, don’t worry; get in touch and I will probably have sex with you to the best of my abilities. You do have to be disabled, though. I wish I had a normal disabled girlfriend because normally if they have a bit missing, they struggle to run away, but that’s not really applicable if she’s a Paralympic.

Something I have noticed about the Paralympics is that you don’t get black people in it. I think that is because black people are Terminators which is how they run so fast in the normalympics but they can’t be Paralympics because if they get damaged they just go liquid. I wish I had Terminator girlfriend.

I had a Wagon Wheel today. The packet bore the legend “NEW CHOCOLATEY TASTE”. Notice the “y” on the end of chocolate. It implies it doesn’t actually taste of chocolate, but instead tastes a bit like chocolate. Also, remember when Wagon Wheels were bigger? What’s that all about?

I was thinking about a hypothetical object that alternates between two places at once infinitely fast. Is it in both places at once or neither place at once? Would you be able to move into one of the locations? It’s pointless because it is impossible but so is Hilbert’s paradox of the Grand Hotel with “countably infinite” rooms. It is shit. Who has enough time to count to infinity, and where is build this hotel? Hilbert is a prick, and his curve isn’t even round.

I was at my Nan’s and I bent over to get some kitchen roll and I got a stabbing pain in my back. It felt like my muscle had broken. The pain made my vision go blurry and gave me tinnitus. After the normal tinnitus, I got some white noise tinnitus, which was weird. That went, but the pain lasted right up until I went to bed. About an hour ago I had been talking to my Dad about tempting fate and I said I definitely wouldn’t die within the next week. Maybe I had tempted fate, or maybe I had just been sitting with a bad posture and bending over made my muscle go spastic. Twice I had a thing where the muscle in my leg felt like it had bunched up and I could feel a lump in my leg. It was incredibly painful. Earache is also one of the most painful things. I hate pain.

What’s all the fuss about chemical weapons about? It seems weird how it’s fine to kill people with normal weapons but chemical weapons are off limits. If I was in charge of Nato, I would take everyone not affiliated in a war into space and then separate everyone who wants a war and give them each a missile silo. Ironically, the missiles are programmed to go round the World and blow up themselves, but the other countries might think they are headed for them so they will also fire. After 20 years, the rest of us would return to Earth. All the baddies would either be dead or living in peace. It’s a flawless plan. Mutually assured destruction is a weird idea, though because it’s so petty.

Back To Syria and Bashar al-Assad, who doesn’t look like a Bashar and has the facial hair of a 16-year-old. The problem with bombing him is that another baddie will take his place because everyone in charge of anything is a baddie, especially in Asia. That is why I will make a country run by computers.