Diary

What’s behind today’s door in the Advent calendar? A pile of dead bodies all dressed like Santa. I did a lot of coursework tonight and started having my toffee apple ciders at about 8. I had 4, and then I went out to Mosh. On the way, I saw very few people so I thought maybe I had gone out on Sunday by mistake. I looked at my phone expecting to see that it was Tuesday because I thought it was past midnight, but it said it was Monday, meaning it was a Sunday night out. I looked at the time and realised it was just to minutes 2 midnight which settled my nerves. I went into Mosh and nothing much happened. I saw cat-ears girl. I call her that because I really fancied her and she had a cat-ears headband. She didn’t give me a second look which was closure; I thought she might have fancied me but I fucked up, but I wasn’t sure. Her ignoral of me showed that she didn’t like me. I had a few drinks and then went to the toilet. I like the toilet because I get to talk to people as it is quiet. I was chatting to a couple of people and the last sentence said was “Have a good night mate… on your own.” Classic. Several units of time later, I was listening to a dubstep track in which the main lyrics were “Sunlight hurts my eyes”. I think dubstep is just some form of educational genre for little kids. I also heard tracks called “Don’t Do Drugs”, “The Stove Can Be Hot” and “All Strangers Are Nonces”. Several units of time later, I asked a girl if she wanted to dance with me. She looked at me as if to say “This isn’t the 1950s”. Then cat-ears girl’s friend pulled me over to dance with them. Cat-ears girl said I offended that little gay fella who was with them last time. I apologised. Several moments of time later, I said that she had ordered a girls’ drink and she said she was a girl. I apologised and said I hadn’t realised. Then I said that she was right and I was a dick. She started kissing some guy who was with her that she had met and I wondered if she was doing it just to make me jealous. I decided she really wasn’t, but the fact that she didn’t directly tell me to fuck off still means that I have no closure on whether or not she fancies me slightly. I should just ignore her and shoot myself in the head. The night ended and I left on my own. I thought that if I saw a girl alone, I would ask her if she was looking for someone to have sex with her. I didn’t see a girl alone, but I did see two girls smoking. I mustered up the courage to go up to them and ask them if they were interested in a threesome. I knew they would say no but thought it would be funny to ask anyway. One of them said “That was a stretch”. I smiled to myself and went home. I had had 6 double vodka and cokes plus the 4 lonesome pre-drinks. I should have been on the floor being sick, but I wasn’t even drunk enough to take my hand out my pocket. When I got home, I wrote all these words.

“Caution. This door is alarmed”. I imagine it’s seen some pretty alarming things in there.

What’s behind today’s door in the Advent calendar? An old man with a beard raping Mary Christ. I was up before noon today. Only because I was self conscious about the bloody chopping board I had left out. I went to wash it up but my flatmate was at the sink with his girlfriend. They definitely already saw the knife and definitely think I am mental. I am. Why do I do stuff like that? My fingernail hurts more than the cut so I made a little plaster out of a piece of toilet tissue and tied it up with one of those little ties you find holding toys in the packaging. Now my finger looks like a biblical shepherd.

The shepherd without his shepherd hat.

I found 2 videos and a picture on my phone which I don’t remember taking. I think they must be from Wednesday. The first video is of some bins blocking my path and me saying “for fuck sake” when I realise I have taken a video. The picture is some bins blocking my path. The last video is one of me cleaning up what is presumably my own semen after masturbating. Most people don’t remember having sex after a night out – not me – I don’t remember having a wank after a night out. Where did I go wrong in life? I really hope the World ends this Friday. Even better, I hope the World ends on Thursday so the Mayans end up being wrong. I hate the Mayans. They’re just shit Aztecs really. The Incas are just as bad. They’re scum. You’re allowed to be prejudiced against civilisations which no longer exist.

What’s behind today’s door in the Advent calendar? A body being eaten by Christmas cannibals. I played Halo today until it was time to stop. I was hungry. Rob suggested I take the sausages out of their skins and make meatballs with them. I told him that was a stupid idea. I still had some of the AIDS pizza left from last night. Surely I wasn’t going to risk eating that? I thought I would be immune or at least only 1/3 as sick as yesterday. As I write this, I do not know my fate. May God give me health.

I was fine. I went out and the bouncer said he recognised me. I only had enough money for 4 drinks, but I decided to get some more. On the way to the cash machine, I tore up my nail putting it in my pocket. I thought it was lucky I was drunk, or that would be incredibly painful. Then I realised it would be incredibly painful tomorrow anyway. I got out £20 and went back. I think I ended up having 6 drinks but I lost my money which put me in a really bad mood. The only way I could be cheered up is if I got to kiss a lady. I was doomed. I would have accepted a funny occurrence to cheer me up, but nothing funny ever happens to me. I think I tried to kiss a girl who I had been dancing with but she pushed me away. I felt really low. The night ended and I decided cutting my finger off would be a good idea. I got in and after the first cut, I realised it wasn’t a good idea. It was, in fact, the opposite of a good idea. It was one of those ideas of which I have many: a bad idea. A bad idea like going out any night or doing product design or not killing myself. I mopped up much of the blood and went to bed with my finger wrapped in toilet roll. What a depressing night.

What’s behind today’s door in the Advent calendar? Father Christmas with a dead child on his lap and a sick look in his eye. I got my model from the workshop and did some spraying in my room. I kept the window open so I didn’t get high or die. It was all well and sprayed so I went out to get a few drinks and a pizza. I asked for a 14-inch pizza with chicken on it thinking I would be fine, but I decided to ask for spicy beef instead. It was a nice pizza. It didn’t have any barbecue sauce on it and was a thin one, but I didn’t mind. I ate 75% of it and left the rest for later or tomorrow. After a couple of toffee apple ciders, I got tired. I wondered how I had got so tired after just two kids’ drinks essentially. I had a lay down and I wasn’t going to go out, but then something made me want to.

I went out, but on the way, my stomach started to feel bad. I thought it was just one of those weird things that happen and decided to continue, but then my hands started to itch and I felt worse so I went home. The itch spread all over my body. I got in and laid down on the floor. I didn’t like it because I could smell paint fumes so I got into my pants and went to bed. Then I realised I was going to be sick so I went to the bathroom but I was sick before I could get to the toilet so it went on the floor. I closed the door and then was sick again. I felt terrible and just sat in the corner of the room that didn’t have as much sick on it. I decided to mop up the sick a bit so I could lay down. With toilet paper, I pushed the sick to the side of the room and then laid down on the floor where there was very little sick. Then I needed to do a runny poo so I did that. It didn’t need much paperwork which was good. Then I was rubbing my legs and they felt really rough but then I looked at my hands and they were going black. I thought I was dying because that’s just not normal. I just sat shivering for a bit but then I was starting to feel a little better so I started to decant the sick into the toilet. The sight of the sick made me be sick again but I managed to get it into the toilet. I cleaned up the rest without being sick again but I did use a whole roll of toilet paper. I had a shower to wash the sick from me and went to bed. I felt quite well. I think the pizza I got either had chicken on it, or was riddled with AIDS or something. I had the kebab from the same place and I was fine eating that, but it does look like the kind of establishment that would have E. Coli and Salmonella on the menu. I tried some Old Spice deodorant today that I got free in a box. Maybe that made me ill. There is of course the possibility that the paint fumes got to me.

What’s behind today’s door in the Advent calendar? A small child opening his presents to find the severed head of his father. I was going to go to class today but when my alarm went off I realised there was no way I was going in. I slept until 3. When I got up, I noticed some blood on the back of my shirt and my arm felt bruised. I couldn’t find a cut so I don’t know whose blood it was. Maybe I got in some sort of fight where I used my back as a weapon. Today was one of those old-school days where nothing happened.

What’s behind today’s door in the Advent calendar? King Herod sitting atop a throne made from the bones of the children he ordered dead. Things happened until it was time to go out. When it was time to go out, I went out. Word on the street was that some event was on at Walkabout. I saw four people on my course, Amy, and one of my flatmates. Derby must be a small place. At one point, I slipped and fell on the floor. I was fine, but more importantly, I don’t think I spilled my drink at all. At one point, I think I went up the bar and when the lady asked me what I wanted, I just said I was fine and walked away. I may have just dreamt that or just thought that, though. I had 6 double vodka and cokes plus two bottles before I came out which was enough to make me forget going home. It was a disappointing night where nothing happened. The women are too young, slim and attractive in Walkabout.

What’s behind today’s door in the Advent calendar? The dessicated corpse of the Myrrh wise man lying in the desert. I had one of those dreams last night that lasts so long you get confused about what day it is when you wake up. It’s Tuesday. Tuesday is the day when no clubs are open. I played about on Pure Data for most of the day and then got in touch with my mate about going out tonight. Last night, he said he would definitely go out tonight. I wanted to make sure he was still coming out before I wasted any drinks. We agreed to meet in 25 minutes so I had to rush my dinner and get as many drinks in as possible. I only managed 2 and didn’t finish my dinner. When I left the house, I thought I had wandered into Silent Hill with all the fog about. It turns out I hadn’t. There was ice on the ground and I did that thing where I spin slightly on the balls of my feet to make the most of the ice. Everywhere was shut so my mate and I went home to our separate homes. Not together. What a waste of a day.

Why is the Apple store in New York underground? Because they hate Windows.

What’s behind today’s door in the Advent calendar? A supernova of the star of Bethlehem, engulfing an alien civilisation much like our own. I was down in the workshop today working on my model. I had to wait for stuff to dry several times and I had already balanced pretty much everything in there on my finger at some point, played five finger fillet, and drilled through a 5 pence coin, so I decided to make myself a bottle opener so I wouldn’t even have to leave my room to drink. I’ve just been using my flatmates’ bottle openers. I made what I thought would work and was eager to try it so at lunch I got 2 Mangers Berry Cider and 2 Botherers Toffee Apple Cider.

When I got in, Max my flatmate, who I have not seen in about a month, said that we might be going out as a flat tonight at about 9. I like him because I think he seems to realise that I am just weird and not antisocial. I went to my room and tried to crack open a toffee apple cider. My bottle opener pierced the lid and didn’t really hook very well, but it did work eventually. The cider was nice. A bit later, I tried my tool on a Mangers. It took about 5 minutes to open. I noticed I had a splinter and realised that I didn’t know how to get it out. I think the last time I had one, my Mum got it out. I had a go with a scalpel, but it was really hard to see what I was doing. I couldn’t tell if I was looking at the splinter or shadow in the crater I had made in my finger while trying to get it out. In the end, I managed to get it out. It was 10:30 or so so I decided that I my flatmates weren’t going out. I had another drink because I thought one of my classmates would come out with me, but he said it was too late, so I went out alone. A word of advice: don’t start pre-drinking at lunch unless you have a lot to drink. I had 3 bottles which was just a waste. I went to Sainsbury’s to get some food so I wasn’t going out on an empty stomach and then decided to just stay in and get a take-away. I got a large kebab with chilli sauce. It was lovely.

What’s behind today’s door in the Advent calendar? The aborted foetus of baby Jesus. The shower is blocked up so it takes ages for the water to drain. It also means that a shower more than about 5 minutes long causes the water to overflow and go on the bathroom floor. I think that showers should be watertight so you could use them as a vertical bath. Another thing that annoys me here is that my socks drawer is above my pants drawer. It really doesn’t feel right, but I’ve only got myself to blame. I keep meaning to change them round, but I just never remember.

What’s behind today’s door in the Advent calendar? Good King Wenceslas looking out over a war-torn wasteland. I have been neglecting my duties as a two-bit Internet comedian by not doing anything so I decided I would have a night out. I got four pint bottles of Mangers berry cider. I bought it because I thought it was some sort of festive drink but then I realised it was actually Magners. I really bought it because they were 2 for £3. I went home and did dinner and had a few bottles and decided it would be a good idea to go out with a Hitler moustache so I had a shave… with a cut-throat razor… while drunk. Ironically, I only cut myself twice very slightly, which is better than normal. I realised I didn’t actually have enough of a moustache to do anything with it so I just shaved it all off. I even put on after-shave to show women that I could actually grow a beard but I chose to shave it off. I finished off the last bottle of Mangers and listened to Saturday Night by Whigfield so I was ready to go out.

I went to Coyote Wild. Not much happened for most of the time I was there but then I smiled at a fat lass and she got me up on the stage with her. I kissed her with tongue and everything. The time came to leave and she was talking about going home. My attempt to get her back to mine was “Do you like sausages?” to which she replied yes. Then I asked if she liked pasta and she said yes again so I invited her and her friends back to my place. Her friends just wanted to go home but she really wanted those sausages. Not enough to walk back with me, though. Maybe if I had thought quicker, I could have ordered a taxi for the two of us and I could have cooked her those sausages, but alas, she went home with her friends and I went home with all of my friends. Nobody.

What’s behind today’s door in the Advent calendar? Jesus Christ crucified on a Christmas tree. I was in the workshop until 5 today doing actual work. It doesn’t count as work because you get to go on the saw, though. When I came back, Socks the cat came in with me and sat on my bed for several hours. It was like having a friend. That was until he started clawing away at my furry noticeboard wall. I thought he was just having fun so I left him to it, but a bit later I found a drawing pin from the board upright on the floor. I think he’s trying to kill me.

What’s behind today’s door in the Advent calendar? The innkeeper knifed to death at his door. We had to do a group presentation on business today in school. I aced my bit. Considering I have no confidence, I have a lot of a confidence. We were meant to wear a suit but mine is way back home so I just went in normal clothes. Phil had brought a spare suit because he knew I wouldn’t have one. I just wore the jacket. I was wearing my belt as well. It’s just a lanyard thing that I tie round the front two belt loop of my jeans. It got me thinking about why belts go all the way round when it is much easier just to tie it round the front two belt loops.

I went to the shop and when I went to get my money from my pocket, a condom fell out. It was so embarrassing. I knew I should have thrown it away.

What’s behind today’s door in the Advent calendar? Mary Christ, lying dead after a heroin overdose. I realised today that all hats look stupid on women. Women just can’t wear hats. Next time you see a woman with a hat on, stop and think; you’ll soon see what I mean. Women’s hats look wrong and men’s hats just shouldn’t be on women. I went to the shops today and there was a funny man in there. He had a motorcycle and when he was paying for his goods, he asked the till man to just reach in his pocket so he wouldn’t have to take his gloves off. I’ll have to try that next time the lady I fancy is serving me.

A fat man and a little boy go into town. The Japanese were scared.

What’s behind today’s door in the Advent calendar? A family burnt to death by a fire caused by faulty wiring on their Christmas tree. My music computer has been glitching out to the max lately and been giving me some funny words when trying to get into safe mode. I made an collage of my favourites.

I made the most of my Tuesday by going out to buy a envelope to post away some student finance stuff. I ended up buying 5 because the Post Office don’t sell single envelopes. It’s lucky that houses aren’t subject to the same style of sale. I also bought a couple of Scottish eggs. Continuing with the party food theme, I had little sausage rolls for dinner. I didn’t drink any alcohol or fizzy pop today so I have to lose party marks there. I did have two litres of milk which contained 110% of my daily sugar intake and also my daily saturated fat intake. I suppose that’s why babies are so chubby.

And Rob says I don’t know how to cook. 20 minutes in the oven, my friend.

What’s behind today’s door in the Advent calendar? Saint Nicholas gunning down an orphan. I was down in the workshop today and got told off by the helper lady for mucking about with a bit of copper wire I found in a bin. I was bored. She said I should make another model or get some wood filler. I went to Homebase to get wood filler. I only needed a tiny bit but I got the middle-sized pot because it was 343p, which I took as a sign. I went back to the workshop and filled my old model, which is shit, and started on a new model, which isn’t as shit but only because I haven’t done much to it yet.

I came home and played some Halo and got bored so I went to bed at about 11:30. I should have gone out. I don’t know why I decided Halo was better than going out. I should go out more. As I said to Rob, my two goals in life are to get laid and to try heroin. Neither of them are going to come about by sitting on my room doing fuck all all day. I’ve never really thought about what my real goals are. I want to have a job earning £20,000 a year, a wife, two kids – a boy and a girl for balance. That’s all really. Easily doable. Ideally, I would so something with my music or comedy, but that’ll never happen. I suppose somewhere in my goals should feature me as a famous product designer,  but I don’t really give a toss about that. Teacher was asking us today why we decided to do product design and I hoped he wouldn’t ask me. Luckily, I was saved the embarrassment of having to say “Someone suggested it and I just thought ‘may as well'”.  I could have lied but I didn’t think of that at the time. Maybe subconsciously, I want someone to tell me to tell myself what I want in life. I want an axe. I was looking at the axes in Homebase last time I went. They feel nice. I need one if I am ever going to do Minecraft in real. The first step in Minecraft is flawed, so it’s maybe not the best game to base my future on, but it’s a nice idea. If I ever have a large chunk of free time, I will definitely live in the woods for a bit. I would only take and axe and possibly a saw. I would live beside a stream so I would have water and fish. I’d cut down a tree or two to make a little shack and I could build a little water wheel and connect that to something. That is my new ambition in life. I want to be a hermit in the woods. I reckon I would get bored very quickly, though. Still, it’s always an option.

What’s behind today’s door in the Advent calendar? Angel Gabriel with a bullet in his head. I woke up before 12 and went out to buy some fruit and drink. On the way, some men walked past me and called me Barry and said they hadn’t seen me in ages. I smiled and said hello. I can only assume they thought I was Barry White. To be fair, I have put on a bit of weight and become black recently. I seriously don’t know how they could think I was Barry White. Maybe they were trying to be clever and thinking of Barry Lyndon and they thought my name was Lyndon. It’s not, though; it’s Lydon. I bought 8 apples in the shop and ate 5 today. Apples aren’t at all filling, though, so I went out later and bought some onion rings crisps and a couple of naans. I had them with Reggae Reggae sauce. Ketchup is Pop Pop sauce. Brown sauce is Rock Rock sauce. Garlic is Minimalist Minimalist sauce. Mint Sauce is Classical Classical sauce. Mayonnaise is Jazz Jazz Sauce.  Salsa sauce is already done.

What’s behind today’s door in the Advent calendar? It’s one of the magi hanging himself. Shit. Happy birthday to my Uncle who is about 50 today. I managed to unsmudge his card because of the glossy finish so I redid it in pencil. I didn’t go out tonight. If I had, I probably would have lost some money on the quiz machine, danced with a 40-year-old and thought I had a chance with her, been mocked by some people and got drunk. None of that happened. I feel good.

I’ve not written much so I’ll put a link to a page of articles and shit. I was going to put reviews on there but I’ll just put stuff that doesn’t fit within the main diary.

I went to lecture even though there was no lecturer. I needed to get my card scanned. I didn’t know what to do so I just walked about for an hour harassing people. Most of them were just on Facebook so it’s not like I was missing anything. I went home and played Halo but I kept losing so I went to bed. I woke up thinking it was tomorrow and when I looked at my phone and saw it was 16 O’clock, I was very confused. I worked it out and then went back to bed until 6. I was woken by the people in my halls talking loudly. It’s 6 in the evening; good people are trying to sleep. One thing about halls which I was disappointed about is that I thought everyone would be in rooms off a few massively long halls several hundreds of metres long. The hall here is maybe only about 10 metres long. What a con.

I didn’t go out tonight. As far as I’m concerned, by not going out, I’ve made a profit of about £20. It does mean I don’t have any funny stories of rejection, though.

Big shout out to my Dad who was born 52 years ago today. I think he must be about 50 by now. I can’t remember what I did today. I probably just sat about for most of it playing Halo 4 and masturbating. I’m living the dream. I saw Amy again as I was leaving the shop after buying caramel squares and Tango. I’m sure she’s stalking me.

I’m back to being average at Halo. I got bored so I went to sleep at about 6 and woke up at 10. I just laid about for a bit and then went to buy some sausages and did dinner. On they way from the shops, I thought I saw a couple of girls wearing fancy dress. Then I realised only one was. Then I realised I think it was just some strange pink costume which wasn’t even fancy dress. Then I realised it was Amy. They needed to get some money out the cash machine but the local one wasn’t working so they asked me where the nearest one was. I said they should go into town. I did my meal and finished it at about 12:30.

I moseyed on down to town to try to find a birthday card for my Dad and Uncle. That’s two separate people. I tried the local corner shop but they didn’t have any cards. I just wandered about town until I found a card shop. It was full of old ladies buying all sorts of Christmas shit. I found two cards which were almost funny so I just got them. On the way back, I bought Halo 4 on the condition that I wouldn’t go out this week. When I got home, I smudged my Uncle’s card which annoyed me, so I did my Dad’s in pencil. I finished the Halo campaign on legendary solo which wasn’t too hard. Then I played online. I did amazingly. I got two rampages and I was getting spreads of about 28. I thought I was really good but decided I had just been paired with the novices because I was just starting out.

Lesson complete. I popped down to Homebase around lunch to get some paint. A mile journey became a two mile journey due to mistakes and confusion. I got there eventually and I went home to have a shower. Then I sprayed my model and made a shitty split-wood pencil case. I came home and fucked about auf dem Computer? Ist das der Wort? Then I had a shower and then went to Mosh. I had had 3 Kopparbergs throughout dinner as a predrink. I had 3 double vodka and Cokes* at Mosh. I think some people moved to a different floor to avoid me so I left. I had a wander and a slash in a corner and then went to a cash machine. I asked for just £20 but it didn’t give me it. I assume I asked wrong because I requested another £20 with a receipt and it worked. I went to Coyote Wild and there were 8 punters who were not me in there. I had a brief chat with the little gay fella who works there and eventually ordered a double vodka and Shard or something. I lost 50p on the quiz machine. I drank my drink and felt like I would be sick so I left. I had had four double vodka and fillers in less than half an hour. I was sick but managed to keep a whole mouthful in. Then I was sick on the ground. I got a bit on my shirt. I ran for a bit but got self-conscious. I took my shirt off for a bit but felt self-conscious. I went home and had another shower. I’ve been thinking a lot about heroin and cocaine lately. Is addiction the same as obsession?

*Not cocaines.

I probably got an OK amount of sleep after sleeping on the floor like a tramp. It really was uncomfortable, though.Then Rob and his boyfriend left and I had some sleep for about 6 hours. Then I did pasta and bacon, which is a proper meal and nice. Then I went to sleep. I stayed up quite late drinking banana milkshake.

Today was just yesterday part II, and I so I already wrote about it all. Last night I was going to talk to a girl but she fell over. I think she just really didn’t want to talk to me. Another girl turned out to be French. I didn’t embarrass myself as far as I remember, which is a shame. Ideally, I’d meet a nice girl and hold her hand and stuff, but failing that, I want to embarrass myself in front of a nice girl because that’s funny.

I went to a fancy dress party. Mine had frills, a really nice pattern and sequins all over it. Maybe it was too fancy because I just got laughed at.

Then I played Battlefield 3. I kept seeing the currency symbol but whenever I went over to it to pick up the money, I kept getting blown up.

Rob and his little friend were coming down and I was so I excited. I shouldn’t have been. It was shit. We went out and then came back and those cunts started bumming or some shit on my bed so I went out and came back at about 6:30 after trying to sleep on a bench but being too cold. I played Halo 4 with the sound down. I’ve done quite a few of the levels of legendary. It doesn’t seem as hard as I thought it would be. Then I played co-op with Rob when he got up. Then we went to see about a fight and then I came home and played Halo because I was interested in their little fight. Then they came back and then they went out to see sight. I stayed in and had a nap. Then I heard someone banging on my window and it was Ron. It was one in the morning. I said we should go out but they said they had already been out so we went to sleep. I slept on the floor. I used the pillow to lay on because I have bony sides and I put a jacket on because I was cold. It was an uncomfortable night, but at least I went to sleep. This entry covers tomorrow as well because it was all just one long depressing day.