Diary

I heard Dramatic Exit by DMX Krew today and thought the start of it sounded like the start of Cannabis Is Of The Source of Gold by me. I put it down to a coincidence because I thought his track had come first, but I checked and his track came out in March 2013 while mine I uploaded mine in September 2012, which means it isn’t a coincidence and he definitely copied me. The more I listen, the more his remix of my tracks sounded like maybe he didn’t copy me, but maybe he got clever and changed the notes and the rhythm. He hasn’t got that clever because he’s used fifths. If you’re ever stuck writing a track, just tune your oscillators seven semitones apart to get fifths and then the track writes itself. He’s done quite well, though.

On the subject of music, I sent some links off to the Planet Mu record label because false hope is better than no hope. I don’t think anything will come of it, because if my music was any good, it wouldn’t have been on YouTube for 2 years with only 19 views, some of which are bound to have been mine. If I gave up making music and doing this Web-site, I would have nothing.

I almost died the other day several years ago. My Dad asked me to go on the conservatory and cut some wires, but they were live wires because when I cut them and so they exploded and I was knocked back. The explosion cut a hole in the blade of the secateurs. Hopefully, my Dad didn’t know they were live, but thinking about it, he did tell me to go back up the next day in the rain naked… I haven’t had any near death experiences lately because I haven’t done anything.

It’s not been a good week for European transport. The train in Spain falls mainly on the plain, and in Italy, a coach has crashed. There’s nothing funny to say about that. The Coach should have stuck to training people. See: nothing funny to say.

How comes there’s a song about fisting that can be played on the radio in the middle of the day? It’s that song by Reef. I don’t know all the lyrics but some I could make out were “Put your hands on my hole.” “Run your fingers through my arsesole.” “Put your hands up.” “You cannot hide from what’s inside.” I don’t think there are enough songs songs about fisting.

I’ve been thinking quite a bit lately about stuff, and I’m really beginning to question whether Uncle Ben is my real uncle.

In other news, I fed a fox by hand. That’s about all I’ve done this today or this week or ever.

I think I’ve made a breakthrough into establishing the nature of God. They say the Lord moves in mysterious ways, and I think they might be talking about Brownian Motion. I haven’t done any tests yet and at the moment it’s just a theory, but I think God might be about the size of an atom. I did some preliminary research by looking at some things really close up to see if I could see an old beardy face but I couldn’t. It would make sense that God is every atom because they say he is everywhere, and atoms are everywhere except in vacuums, but vacuums have dust in and dust moves in mysterious ways because it always gets on surfaces but you never know from where. As I say, it’s just a theory, but I think it’s worth some further research.

My Dad got me some Brain Burnerz. They are spicy sweets. It’s weird having spicy sweets.

I think war poetry was just the battle equivalent of football chants. Nowadays people say it’s good but it was probably just something to shout at the Germans to make them scared.

I’ve been making a lot of music lately and I just feel like I’ve run out of notes. A piano looks like it has loads but most of them are just doubles and so you’ve only got 12 really, and five of them are black so I tend to stay away from them. I should learn to play guitar.

I had to go shopping today. I got £50 out the cash machine. I call it the gash machine because when the bitches see you withdrawing 2 Smiths and a Darwin, you can’t move for pussy. I wish that was the case. I wish money could buy love. I could buy a prostitute with the girlfriend experience, and I am so delusional that I would actually think that she wasn’t even pretending and really likes me. The best money can do is buy happiness through the use of alcohol and possessions.

Looks like that royal lady has popped a baby out her arse or wherever babies come from. I was thinking about how all those royal people and how they are not really different from rubbish celebrities. They only got where they are because of their parents; they’re often in the media; they don’t actually do anything other than get seen at public events. The Queen represents everything bad about celebrity culture. Also, she is gay.

I tried to do some of my homework today. I got excited because I thought it said in big letters “Reefer Assignment” and I thought I would have to design a spaceship* while stoned or some shit, but it actually said “Refer Assignment”. That’s much less fun. I didn’t even get as far as creating a new file. I really think my best possible future will be spent in prison, because there’s no way I’ll ever be able to get a job. I suppose if I went for a job as a product designer and then had to write a report about how innovative a company was, I think I could use the argument that it wasn’t in my job description.

* I do product design in case you’ve forgotten. I’ve actually remembered everything I’ve learned in the first year: don’t waste money on university and I should probably kill myself.

I got up at about 11. I had a lot of a sleep. Rob said I should try being vegetarian, so I just had some pear halves and some tomato soup with bread today. I also had an Aero. I’ve done vegetarianism now. I can go back to eating real food. If you think about all the animals that eat meat, eg. lions, bears and sharks, compared to the animals that don’t, eg. ants and hamsters, it becomes quite obvious who is better.

I went to bed last night with respiratory issues. I hadn’t brought an inhaler with me to Rob’s so I tried to just live with it. I got to sleep for a couple of hours, but when I woke up it seemed worse so I couldn’t sleep. By about 9, I was better.

Rob and I watched the Scum Dine With Me episode with Steve Carlyle in it. He was a mega baldy prick. Rob said I should text him on 07984 421232 and call him a wanker, but I didn’t have the balls. If you have the balls, or the ovaries, please text him abusive messages. If you think he’s not really done enough to deserve it, word on the street is he’s also a child molester.

I got back home today. I was  very slightly worried that I hadn’t locked the bottom lock and the house would be pillaged or I had accidentally left the sofa on fire after the trip, but other than a few sheets of paper about and a laptop on the sofa, everything was normal. I went to bed really early because I hadn’t much sleep. I think it was about 8.

I spent today playing LAN Minecraft with Rob and watching Scum Dine With Me. I want to do a series of videos where I just narrate TV shows. It would be like Charlie Brooker’s Screenwipe but improvised and based on just one whole show. It might be funny for the first few minutes, but eventually I would run out of ideas and just start calling people gay. I’m allowed to call people gay when watching Scum Dine With Me because there’s always at least one. I stayed at Rob’s again. I’m scared to go home because my Mum’s not there to protect me if a burglar comes in.

I had an LSD today. It’s hard to explain what it’s like. It’s like real life… on acid. I think I took it at about two. At about 4, I got a text from Rob asking if I wanted to go over some time after six. I wanted to but I wasn’t sure if I would be able to. A while later, I got really agitated because I didn’t know what to do, both in life in general and at that precise moment. At about 5, after watching faces appear in the curtains and on a hat, I felt a bit better and ate a ecstasy tablet. I just laid down on the sofa and looked at the curtains. Aztec style blocky patterns appeared and everything was colourful and swirly. I think I had an out-of-body experience while still in my body but looking at my body. At one point I slightly snapped out of what was happening and felt like I either almost died or went on the greatest trip ever. It felt like even if I had died I would have kept living. I put some of my music on and it was great; LSD must be powerful. Then I went to get some paper and started writing my thoughts. I did that before but most of it was just random letters. I wrote three pages on A4 plain paper, each consecutive sheet more spaced out and illegible. Then I went on the computer to write. It’s like a fucking thesis on Noel Fielding.

At about 7 or 8 I started to become more aware and noticed it was time to go to Rob’s. I felt fairly compos mentis so I decided to go out. I had trouble locking the door. It’s a bit dodgy, so I often have trouble. There are two locks on the door so I just did the top one and went to get a train. The quickest way was to cross Nugent Shopping Park. I had to cross a few roads as well. I was still under the influence of either the elesty or the eggs2c and I wasn’t as careful crossing the roads as I should have been, but nothing went wrong. The 100 metres or so that I had to walk along the Nugent Shopping Part just looked ridiculously long. I got about half way and then when I looked to the side, I realised I had barely travelled any distance. I managed to find my way to the train station just using my memory, which impressed me. I got to the station and bought a ticket from the machine. I paid with a £20 note but the ticket only cost £5.20, so the machine gave me 14 pounds coins plus some other bits. I had to travel about jangling like a bag full of bolts. Out of the two pairs of two platforms at St Mary Cray station, I found the right one third time after looking it up on my phone. I went on the train and I was sweating ridiculously. After a few stops, I got off at Eynsford thinking I might have gone the wrong way, because I had taken an earlier train, but I rang Rob or he rang me and he told me to get back on it. Eventually, I arrived in Otford and met up with Rob after walking about the area like a chump trying to find his place.

At about nine or 9.5, we had dinner. I met Rob’s Mum’s new boyfriend, who is definitely not good enough for her. I don’t know when she’ll realise that she and I would make a perfect match. Dinner was an Indian meal. I barely ate any of it, which was a shame. I also had a non-alcoholic Kopparberg. I didn’t want  anything alcoholic because I thought it might mix with the ecstasy and make me sick. I probably looked like a pussy to Rob’s mum and his aunt and the other people there, but I had two class A grade drugs in me, so I was actually the coolest person there because drugs are cool. After dinner, people were having liqueurs and shots and stuff. I had a tiny bit of each. I was almost sick, but that is just because I really don’t like the taste of most alcohol. We went to bed at about 12, but not together. I was still sweating. Frankly, Rob’s spare bed is just a write-off. I was sweating so much, it must have rotted the framework.

I’m home alone. My Mum’s off in Italy for a week, so I have the house all to myself. All that really means for me is I don’t have to close the door when I have a wank. I can’t even invite any friends over because I don’t have any.

I meant to buy Batman Arkham City on Steam, but I accidentally bought Arkham Asylum. I didn’t think they would put the button to buy a different game on the same page as Arkham City. I just thought it was cheaper because it didn’t have DLC. It only cost 3 pounds though so I’m not too fussed.

Continuing on my e-mail campaign to various things that annoy me, I sent an e-mail to the Prime Minister’s Office.

Following the illegalisation of khat, a drug which may cause minor ill effects, I think it is only logical to also ban grapes. There have been several reported cases of people choking on grapes and dying. Most of these cases were children. It would be irresponsible to continue the sale of grapes as they could be consumed by children who may choke. That is the only way to ensure children’s safety. It could be argued that precautions like cutting the grapes into smaller pieces would reduce the problem, but because some people won’t do that, it is the government’s responsibility to ban grapes and possibly other gateway fruits which may lead to grape use in the future. Did you see what I was doing there? I was satirising the stupid laws that you cunts put in place where good things are banned due to potential for misuse. Most things can be misused, and most things are safe in moderation. Sort the fucking law out, pricks. Also, why the fuck aren’t I allowed to bang a 12-year old? Ridiculous

It’s quite hard to make a decent point when limited to 1,000 characters, and sometimes full stops just have to be omitted. There are lots of laws in the UK that don’t make sense. They’re thinking of bringing in tax breaks for married people. That is unfair because I will never benefit from that, unless I marry a Russian woman so she can get a visa and I get to pretend I have a girlfriend. I might get into politics, and by that I mean get into Parliament with an AK-47 and smoke those fuckers.

I got up from my bed after sitting down for some time, and I walked through a spider web on my way out the door. That shows how long I must have been sitting there.

I finally found the song that I have been looking for. I heard it once on a porn film back when I was 16 or younger. It’s Kota by Bonobo. If you know what video it was on, then you are into some weird shit.

I tried to jailbreak my iPhone today. The main reason was so I could get notes from the iPhone to my computer without e-mailing them because I can’t do that at my Dad’s. Loads of problems came to light in just a few minutes so I decided to vent my frustrations and send those pricks an e-mail.

Subject: A few things about Apple

Why are you such a bunch of paedophiles? You should stop molesting kids and actually try to use the piece of shit iPhone you created. I can’t even get notes onto my offline computer without jailbreaking it, and I can’t jailbreak it because the fucking power switch won’t stay depressed because of the shitty Taiwanese components you make it from. Also, on the rare occasion when I have to use iTunes (the “i” of which must stand for the same thing it stands for in AIDS) I can’t even minimise it without it disappearing. It’s even ashamed of itself. You’ve created the Elephant Man of computer programs. A cumbersome turd to use. As if all the issues with the device itself and the software weren’t enough, the wires on the phone charger have come exposed. This happened with the last charger I had as well. The cables must be made out of the same weak shit as Steve Jobs’ pancreas. Apple must be named after the apple eaten by Eve that ultimately caused all sin. If she would have known the atrocities you have committed, I don’t think she would have eaten that apple. Even Hitler would be turning in his grave at what you have done. I hope all you cunts and all your children and your childrens’ children burn in Hell. Goodbye.

They say they don’t reply to e-mails, but I really hope those fuckers do. It reminds me of this. That was a little hoax I knocked up after sending an angry e-mail to Bungie, probably after playing shitly at Halo and blaming the game. I should send more angry e-mails to companies that will never read them because it’s therapeutic. It’s like talking your troubles through with a cat.

I thought of buying Dishonored and Max Payne 3 just yesterday, and today I found out they were on a Steam Sale. That was a stroke of luck. Max Payne was about infinity gigabytes though so it took ages to download.

I have a joke that Max Payne is worth £2.50 because I got it in a 4 for £10 deal. I said to the old history teacher once that in Egypt they used shiny discs with a hole in the middle as currency and he said he knew, but he didn’t because I was making it up so he was a liar. What makes him worse is that after quitting his teaching job that he’d worked at for 20 years or something, he cried in front of the whole assembly. What a girl.

My Dad got me an ice cream from the ice cream truck today. I got some in my beard and so my face looked like my pubes after I’ve jizzed directly upwards and the jizz has landed. That’s about all that’s happened today in my boring life.

What do testicles and trains have in common? Carriages.

Which actress in the Friends TV show knocked part of her leg on a vagina? Caught-Knee Cock-Socket.

I wrote a poem today because my Dad said I wouldn’t be able to.

When I sleep the faces speak.

Or so I think it seems.

In my slumber, the voices weak,

Influence my dreams.

The tangled mess of unconscious thought,

Some dreams long and others short.

The faces talk and make their choices.

The mind can’t process all the voices.

The voices write the random dreams.

Or sometimes form a nightmare.

One face frowns, another beams.

Regardless of mood, they stare.

What?

I didn’t do nothing today. When I say that, I mean I just mostly made music.

I did a bit of live action Minecraft today; I cut some branches off a tree. I was using a saw though so so it wasn’t much like Minecraft, and I used a ladder and the trunk was round and the branches not at right angles so it wasn’t much like Minecraft, but Minecraft is the only reference point I have. I suppose it was like cutting a sausage but vertical.

I thought up a character for a sketch show called Date Rape Doug in which a man called Doug tries to date rape woman, but it ultimately ends up in him ingesting the drug and then having something bad happen to him (eg. getting mugged or raped). Not only is it very funny, but it also had a moral. The moral is that rape is bad.

I have another character called Bart Ender and whenever he is in a pub and someone calls for the bartender, he always looks round because his name sounds similar. It keeps happening because he doesn’t know the word bartender, so it would work each week in a 6 show series.

Why were the playing cards in the sideboard not stolen in the robbery? It was just the lock of the drawer.

I realised today and yesterday I’ve been a bit down. I think it’s that magic magic E when I dropped that E. It took me a while to notice that I was thinking a lot more than usual about the futility of everything and that how I will one day die. It’s not too bad if I just occupy my mind with something, though. This experience has taught me to never try drugs again, unless maybe I am trying to look cool in front of some girls. I’m always trying to look cool in front of Anne Frank up in Jew Heaven, though. I bet she’s looking down on me and masturbating over how cool I am, unless people age in Jew Heaven in which case she’d be about 73 and then she’d wear her fingers away on her dry old sandpaper-flaps pussy.

My Dad called me arrogant today because I questioned one of his little theories. His theory was that the east end of any town was always rough because that’s where the industry starts.. I do criticise a lot of his theories, but I feel I am justified in doing so.

I spent most of the night working on a Pd patch to try to convert images into sound, and I actually managed it. I very rarely achieve things. The best thing about Pd is the filetype – .pd, or a pd file.

I got up at 10 today and I didn’t feel particularly tired. Mum wanted me to do some hoovering, even though I’m a man, so I set my alarm for 12 because I was going to father’s, but I woke up early like a pro. I had to go shopping with my Nan and Dad, which was boring. My Dad bought me a can of Ginger Beer and he didn’t even want the 38p for it. What a nice man.

After sausages for dinner at Nan’s*, I came home and had another ecstasy. I just swallowed it this time. I didn’t think I would feel much due to short-term tolerance, but after a while I was really getting into music and feeling happy. I noticed going cross-eyed didn’t hurt, but it was hard to eat a biscuit. If there are any little kids reading this out there, definitely give ecstasy a go. If there are any kids reading this, do you have a webcam? My Dad didn’t notice I was on a ecstasy. He said I was sweating a lot, but I just said I was hot. To be fair, it was a hot day, even at 23:30 PM at night.

I was playing Solitaire and I noticed my left hand was resting of the W, A,S and D keys. That’s now my default pose when at a computer I think. That means I am a proper computer gameman. One thing I noticed about PC games is there’s no analogue control on movement. I miss that because sometimes on Xbox I like to walk about in game by just pushing up on the stick gently. I always get bored after a few seconds and revert to running, though.

Have you noticed how if someone says “game over”, it sounds a bit like they are saying “gay mofo”. Gay motherfucker is a rubbish insult because a gay man wouldn’t want to fuck a mother, unless they look like a man, like your Mum does.

I did a test to see if I recognise emotions by looking at people’s eyes and scored 30, which means I am the high end of average. I am like an alien robot who has come to your planet and can recognise emotions but cannot have any of my own. When I went to bed, there must have still been some ectoplasm, which is what we in drugs call ecstasy, in my system, because in the dim light I was hallucinating very slightly. I had to concentrate, but when I closed my eyes, I could see lots eyes looking at me. When I go to bed, I can usually see/imagine shapes and colours on my vision if I really focus, but the eyes were quite vivid. It was mad.

*On a Tuesday? Yes. The Dartford branch of my family had fish and chips last Friday so we had the sausages today. If I ever was in control of what meals to do myself, I would definitely do sausages every day… or maybe just crisps or nothing.

My Mum said she was going out for the night so I had a ecstasy. I read that chewing it before swallowing would produce a more powerful high. I also read that it makes one really hot and want to drink lots of water. Bullshit. The water is to wash the taste out your mouth. I was just in my pants like I usually am at home yet I could still feel sweat dripping down me. A bit later, my Mum came home. I thought I would struggle to hide the sausage roll, which is what we in drugs call being under the effects of a ecstasy, but she never bothers me much. Living with my Mum is like living with someone you barely know in a flatshare. I might say hello in the morning, but that’s about it. I am only exaggerating a bit there. After about half an hour, I suddenly felt a tingle all over and began to feel really happy. It was great. I played Sleeping Dogs while on it, so maybe I didn’t make the most of my first ecstasy, but it was still great. There was one mission, or it could have been several missions to be honest – I’m not too sure, where there was a lot of talk about love. I thought I might have been imagining it but definitely wasn’t. If I become addicted to any drug, I hope it’s this one. The only downside is that afterwards it made jaw ache because I kept trying to swallow saliva which wasn’t even there. The same thing happened with the cocaine the other day.

I played Killing Floor Today. Waves of freaks come at you and you have to deal with them. I imagine it’s like working in Lidl. It’s pretty fun. I liked the demo week version so much, I actually bought it because it was only 3 pounds. I also bought Sleeping Dogs. It’s pretty fun. Well done to the developers. There is a Warp radio station with a Squarepusher music on there. The announcer is the same man as on the Ninja Tune station and he just lists three tracks before they play and describes them as if he’s reading a Wikipedia article about them. It’s weird. Maybe that is how it works in Bangkok or wherever it is. I also noticed that their outdoor staircases have a weird bit. The platform at the top of one flight of stairs is divided into 3 triangles which are steps themselves. I haven’t explained it well, but rest assured it’s weird. One problem with the game is that have used the same character model for everyone in the game, or at least it seems that way.

Today is the 17th. I have no idea what I did 11 days ago. I suppose that’s a lie because I do have some idea – I can’t have done anything interesting like leave the house because I would have made a log of that. Today was probably just another one of those reason to kill myself days.