Diary

That little robot kid from Britain’s Got Talent lost. People only like think he’s funny because he has CP. I have loads of CP on my hard drive, but nobody thinks I am funny for it. I am glad he didn’t win because he’s like some sort of creepy spider on wheels. He’s going to part of Simon Cowell’s harem empire, Syco. I’ve only seen it written down, but it is definitely pronounced sicko. Simon Cowell is a sicko for wanting to have sex with little disabled kids. I bet he has a lot of CP too.

They’ve found a bomber in the channel. What was it doing down there? It’s not a submarine. If I was the pilot of that bomber, I would feel really embarrassed that I travelled all the way from Germany and couldn’t even make it to England. It’s like when you do a wee and there’s not enough pressure and you go all over the seat. I bet that is how those Nazis felt when they crashed in the sea.

The new iPhone OS has a lot of new changes. The main one being the icons look a bit different, and the settings icon has completely changed. According to some prick called Jan Dawson, the change is “pretty dramatic”. It isn’t.

They’re bringing out some new GCSEs to make them harder. I’m no maths expert*, but they could make the tests harder by just raising the pass mark. Job done. Next issue please. I think they should get rid of GCSEs anyway. That time I spent learning biology and German and all sorts of other shit would have been better spent not learning biology or German or all sorts of other shit. I never had any intention of being a German doctor, yet I still had to learn them. History is pointless too. They say that we need to learn about history to learn from our mistakes. Do the people who say that think that if we didn’t learn about the holocaust, everyone would try to kill all the Jews? Maybe they are saying we should learn from Hitler’s mistakes and finish the job. History has been going on since at least the middle ages, and people still make mistakes, so I really don’t think that people learn from their mistakes. I don’t. I just try things over and over again until they work. Did I ever tell you the definition of insanity?

A little kid has been left on an underground carriage while its mother was on the platform. I think the mother was just doing an experiment and the kid was a test tube baby.

Old Nelson Mandela is going to be dead soon. I don’t know why everyone likes him. They seem to forget all that time he spent in prison. It’s a double standard of inverse racism. African Nelson Mandela is popular despite being a convicted criminal, but American OJ Simpson is stigmatised despite being acquitted.*² They are essentially the same person, but just because one is African, people like him.

On the subject of black people, the new Doctor Who might be black. I think they should make it realistic and have the new Doctor being played by an Indian.*3

*I am. I got a C or above at GCSE maths.

*² For the murder. He did all sorts of other crimes.

*3 Four years and five months too late. I wish I hadn’t checked for plagiarism.

I am the boss of gambling. I won back most of my Bitcoins that I lost. Overall, I have probably lost a few pounds, but I don’t care about that. I don’t like gambling because I’ve been addicted to it ever since Game Corner. Pokémon taught me a lot of bad habits. I taught me entrap animals in tiny containers; it taught me to get into fights with strangers, and, worst of all, it taught me to play with an old man’s balls until some Muk comes out. What’s Muk backwards? Hey? My semen did actually look like Muk once. It came out all purple and it had a face on it and then it made a noise and started crawling up my chest. My mouth was agape in shock and so it then went in. I forgot all about it but then the next day I pooed it out. It made a noise again and then crawled back inside my penis, which was agape while I was micturating. I never saw it since.

They keep saying that the GTA V map will be bigger than other Rockstar games. I think the GTA IV map was too big because I could never fold it up after I had taken it out the box. I think it should just be A4. One thing about stuff like GTA that amazes me is the number of people in America who want it banned, but who think that guns should be legal. Surely you would have to ban guns before you ban video games. If they ever ban video games, I will become a real life Grand Theft Autorer.

Nothing much happened today. I played Othello against my Dad and beat him 56-8. It was like playing against a computer on the easiest difficulty or against a baby girl with AIDS and no arms or legs. To be fair, I only think he had played it once before, though.

Last Wednesday, my Nan was going to do tuna and pasta bake but she didn’t have any tuna and pasta bake mixture. I said that she didn’t need it. Tuna and pasta bake with tuna and pasta bake mix is like a computer without a floppy disk drive. It really isn’t necessary.

What automaton traverses water using oars? A rowboat robot. What is his name? Robert.

I had an acid at about lunchtime when I got up because I didn’t want to wait. After about an hour or so nothing happened so I had another. About another hour later nothing much was happening so I had two more. I was tripping mad. There were loads of visuals and stuff was moving a lot. Then I went mental. I was obsessed that I had to write everything down about everything I did and explain everything and then I could follow the spiral to find the meaning of life. I thought that all the old Norse and Aztec Gods and shit were the result of misspellings from writing and that all media would merge into a continuous stream. Then I thought that the whole universe was a conspiracy and that every atom would be explained to me in long detail. I thought that everything that seemed coincidental was linked and that all the powers of two were converging to 0 and the Xbox one was near the culmination of this plan. I thought that 0 was God so I tried to ring 0 but nothing happened. I thought that everyone was the same and that I had to become liquid and shit and piss myself. At one point, I thought I was going to have a heart attack and that I had to have a heart attack to carry on with life. I had my phone with me and It was almost midnight and I had 1s on some of my apps and it was on low battery. I kept thinking that it was all the greatest conspiracy ever. Then I was on a train of thought that everything I was thinking was just a point on a massive fractal in the universe and that it was all being thought for you and that I had to have the fear of death before I could have happiness. I thought that as your went further along the fractal, the faster you would go. I thought that I was on a spiral and that I was getting increasingly more intelligent until I would comprehend everything and it was making my head hurt. Then I was thinking that everyone from the past had been a prophet and that Lewis Carroll had been almost God and that I would become God by going down the rabbit hole. I didn’t know where to go, though. I thought there were all sorts of life energies that I had to keep balanced. I went downstairs and then into the conservatory. Then I remember going outside and thinking my Dad was going to shoot me in the head. Then I fell over. Then I was in the front room and I thought my Dad and his friend had been where I was and were further on the path to being God than I was. Then I fell over onto my Dad’s drum kit. Then there was a man who reminded me of a rabbit. Then I went to hospital. In the ambulance, I thought I was in the fractal going really fast down the Doctor Who credits, which I thought were part of the conspiracy. All the letters seemed to be relevant and part of the conspiracy. I was sad that my Dad wasn’t real and just part of the vibrations of particles on this massive fractal. I thought that hospital was the culmination of the exponential thinking theory and that soon I would go on a fantastic journey. I saw some Chinese nurses and thought that they were part of everyone being the same. A while later, I was becoming more aware but was still confused as to whether life was real or not. My Dad and I were in the hospital for about 3 hours. I was eventually discharged from the hospital at about half five in the morning. My Dad and I got a taxi back. The taxi driver’s voice had gone and when he did talk, he sounded like Barbara from League of Gentlemen. Overall, it was great fun. I got a few bruises and my neck really aches, though. I learned today to only have one LSD, and also to not do it with my Dad about.

Update: I remembered some more stuff. While I was still relatively sane, the keys on the iPhone seemed to have a blue yellow fringe to their bottoms and words were standing out the computer page in 3D and they had yellow and green bars between them. I saw a car outside and it looked really warped. My desktop background was just going mental. Waves were going across it. It was excellent. At one point I was going to go for a walk but I’m glad I didn’t. I had two burgers for dinner. I could only handle one. As I held it, it felt like it was made of playdoh and that it was squelching out the sides. I was thinking about The Creation of Adam from off of art galleries and how that point at their fingers was where some spirals meet. I laid down on the bed with my arm outstretched and imagined I was Adam and I was pointing down the stairs and I had to go down the rabbit hole. My Dad has been doing a thing lately where he says “Give me one.” (not like that) and it is like a high five with one finger. I thought that was another reference to the creation of Adam. At one point my phone was charging because it had died. I thought that when I unplugged it, I would die. My Dad told a rubbish joke and I laughed at the idea of the joke being part of the conspiracy. I hugged my Dad and was crying a bit because I thought he was right about all that stuff he believes and that he had been hinting at a greater existence. will.i.am was part of the misspellings theory. I was downstairs at one point and we were watching American Dad. I thought that they were speaking as my Dad and his friend were speaking. I thought I just had to relax and then the spirals happened. I remember my Dad telling the ambulance man to check my head. I thought he was going to inject me with a massive needle which would be agony. I thought my Dad was the mad hatter and one of the ambulance men was the rabbit. He seemed to be talking and then stopping as if to heighten the tension. I remembered them putting pads on my chest to monitor me and I thought there were 10, which fit in on of my number theories. I thought my life had been a down point in my overall existence because I thought that everything would be gone when I died, but now I thought that everything counts and that everything I did had a point. I had almost worked everything out and on the exponential spiral I had about 60 years left to live. I thought that everyone knew what was happening. I rang Rob and he was acting as if he knew that I had almost worked it all out. I thought that I had to just enjoy myself rather than obsessing over everything.

I got my first shipment of drugs today. I can’t say what I bought, because it is illegal, so I’ll have to spell it out: LSD*. Hopefully that trick works with the police as well as small children and dogs. I haven’t had a chance to try it yet because being at my Dad’s is like being in North Korea. He’s always doing me drinks and food and I hardly have a moment without him about. It’s really hard to masturbate, because him watching really puts me off. I will probably have to wait until Monday before I can phone the purple Snake. That is what we in drugs call eating an acid paper.

I used to be very anti-drugs, but something my Nan said changed my mind. When I said I didn’t like cabbage, she asked if I had tried it and I said no. She said I couldn’t know if I liked it or not if I hadn’t tried it. Extending that logic, that is why I want to try every drug. That is also why you might be gay. Unless you have had sex with a man and not enjoyed it, you are gay.

In case you were wondering if I ever went to Dawnstar, I went there yesterday. It was a little disappointing. I regret leaving it over a year now.

*little sausage dogs.

Big shout out to mah momma. Mah momma so birthday she has all pussy blood on her head and an umbilical cord sticking out her stomach.

On the subject of parents, I finished off that song that mah pappa wrote dem ol’ lyrics for, mah friend. I’ve used a vocoder on it, but it still counts as singing. On the subject of shit music, I’ve done what I think is quite a nice track. I keep listening to it on a loop. Whenever I listen to music not by me, I get sad about not being able to make good music. I should cheer up.

I’ve been getting into the Bitcoins. Because the coins are just a number on the screen, it’s like playing a video game in real life. The problem with that is I have been gambling with it. I have lost a little over 40 pounds, so I’ll probably stop now. It’s only money. The problem with bitcoins is that sometimes there is a delay between transactions and you’re left wondering if something’s gone wrong. It hasn’t yet, though.

Here is my special donation account Bitcoin password address hash Bitcoin address: 7jiJ5z9m4xd6Awezh6tJt4QQhhfAGnsTQ. I don’t expect any money for this shit, but false hope is better than no hope. I reckon I am more likely to get donations with a Bitcoin address than PayPal or some shit because Bitcoins are much easier to transfer. Please give me money. I need it to buy sausage rolls and a haircut.

The Thunderball was a fear I had a child. I think I had heard the word and not known what it meant. I remember one day while at the New Forest, I heard a rumbling and feared a giant red ball about 50 metres in diameter would roll over the trees and crush everything. I didn’t actually think it would happen, but it worried me to think about it. I called that ball the Thunderball. One time in the New Forest, I got an ninja Action Man that had a button in his back and when pressed, he would use his katana. I seem to remember it cost £6. That can’t be how much it cost because there is no possible way I could remember the price of an Action Man from about 13 years ago. What makes it more unlikely is that somebody else must have bought it for me, so I wouldn’t know how much they paid.

I was reading through my own diary, because nobody else does, and I remembered just how incredibly funny I was. Admittedly, most of it is shit, but some of it is solid gold comedy dynamite. I was also impressed by how it all links together, but then it is my life which does tend to have a plot.

My Dad said he had some messages on his phone. I told him to wipe it off and be more careful the next time he was having phone sex.

A tornado has killed a few people in Oklahoma. I wonder if any kids in Oklahoma run into their parents room scared about winds outside their window, only to be told by their parents that it’s probably just a ghost.

I meant to get some earphones yesterday when I went to the town, but I forgot. I left mine at home. I thought I may as well buy a new pair because they never last long. The orange Gumy earphones were cheaper than all the others, and the pink pair were more expensive. That seems weird nowadays when I would expect all colours to cost the same. It’s just another form of racism. At the till, I saw lots of cheap wires and stuff. I impulse bought an HDMI cable for 50p. It’s 20 times the length of my erect penis, but 75cm should be alright if I prop my Xbox up. I hope I can whack my laptop through my TV using the longer one I have. don’t really have any purpose for it, but the novelty value would be worth 50p.

My Dad is a fucking idiot. He believes in ghosts. He asked me if I believe in aliens and I said yes. He said that was ridiculous. Then he said that our paths in life are laid out for us and that we are just following them, but then he wondered who made the paths. I suggested God, and he asked sarcastically if God was the only person who could create such paths. God is the only person who could do that. He doesn’t even believe in God. What annoys me most is the inconsistency with which he believes in bullshit. I might get him sectioned again.

104 moves, my friend. You can take that medal back and replace it with another better one. If they held championships for two-suite spider solitaire, I would definitely win.

After reading up about the Xbox One console, it just looks like a shit computer that you can’t install programs on that doesn’t have a keyboard. My advice regarding the Xbox One is to just get a computer and play stuff on that. That makes more sense really. I saw an interview with a Microsoft person who said that before Xbox One, whenever you had a babysitter over, you would need to give them a long list of instructions about how to play a DVD. From that, it can be deduced that Xbox One is for babysitters. That is a very specific demographic for Microsoft to target. Good luck to them.

I popped down to central Dartford to get my Mum some presents. I got her two mugs and four candles. I really hope she didn’t want fork handles. She didn’t, because she asked for some scented candles. I really hope she didn’t want some addition that has entered some owls in cans. When I came back from the town, I had to walk up a hill. I was sweating like a badger in a cow hut. Topical. I was sweating like a drummer in Woolwich. I wonder if maybe the black man who killed him was just really hungry and thought the man was a chicken drummer.

I only just realised how small my current Mum’s fridge is. Using the dark night and kitchen window as a mirror, I noticed that I was taller than the fridge. I was confused for a bit and thought I had become a giant until I realised the fridge was so small. I suppose because the fridge and I grew up together, I never really noticed that it hadn’t grown but I had.

My current Mum made me change my bedding. My pillow had a pillow protector on it. What the fuck is the point of a pillow protector? I have a fucking pillow case. That is all the pillow protection I need. It’s a conspiracy by the pillow protector companies trying to sell us things that aren’t necessary. All the pillow protector companies are run by pillow cases, or as I call them, pillock aces. I thought up a film called “Pillow Without A Case” about a pillow who lost his pillow case and doesn’t have a pillow protector because it’s not a pussy. It is accused of rape because some of a rape victim’s blood was on the pillow because it didn’t have a case. In pillow court, it has no case.

I wasn’t really tired last night but I wanted to go out today and get my Mum something for her birthday. I can’t just draw her a picture that says “I love Mummy” on it any more. Yesterday’s sleeping tablets really seemed to work and I didn’t wake up until 3. I couldn’t be bothered to go out.

I did my review for Far Cry 3. In related news, Tulisa N-Dubz has got a new tattoo. If Far Cry 3 is anything to go by, her new tattoo will give her a new skill. Hopefully, it will grant her the ability to give better blowjobs, hey fellas? Her new tattoo says “Lucky you.” Normally it would covered by her massive bush, but if she shaves it, you are lucky because you won’t get hairs under your foreskin when you have sex with her. I think she should have tattoos by every hole on her body describing how lucky you would be to put your dick in their. She could have one on her upper lip saying “Don’t bother”, one circling her anus saying “Happy birthday.”, one on her palm saying “Normally this would cost you a fiver”  and several on her ears, nose, umbilicus, milk holes and pores saying “Unlucky you if you fit.”

If I wanted to, I could get a tattoo. I might get one like David Thorne got that says Sheep. He makes a good point about how people who get the same tattoos as everyone else are like sheep, so I want to get a tattoo like his to show how stupid everyone is.

My magnum opus (pussy magnet) is complete. I’ve done an album which is the soundtrack to a game. I finished it a month or so ago but then I did a bit more because I felt I hadn’t fully expressed my artistic intent and because I had nothing better to do. It is most excellent. 7/10.

I tried to kill myself tonight by overdosing on sleeping tablets. It said to take one but I took two instead. I’ll tell you how my overdose went tomorrow.

I spent a lot of today playing Far Cry 3 which was lent to me by one of my Mum’s friends. I might do a review of it soon. It’s alright. Since today was a gaming day, I did nothing else. My Mum probably did dinner, but I don’t remember. I thought I might try getting up earlier because that way I have more time to do more things. I like doing things. It keeps my mind of my impending suicide.

No matter how depressed I get, I will never be as depressed as my Pink Panther. You can sense his sadness from his cracked dead eyes. Maybe he is because of his paralysed arms which have no use other than as a noose with which to hang himself. His whiskers suffer the same affliction due to some sort of deficiency probably, as he has no mouth. I’m fairly sure the pink panther had a mouth. Every day he curses his creator and wishes he was dead, but has no means to kill himself. He tried to jump from a building once but he is made of fabric and so landed unharmed. I never noticed how sad he looked as a child.

If I was a stuffed toy.

I should do a biography of all my stuffed toys, except most of them have an uninteresting backstory. One of them was orphaned when insurgents killed his parents in the second Chechen War, but he would rather remain anonymous.

In Nanna’s garden there was a little dog. We couldn’t catch it because it kept running away and in the end it ran down the alley. I finished a game of 2 suit spider solitaire today in 107 moves. That is my best game. A few days ago I did it in 108, and I thought that was impressive, but today’s score pisses all over 108.  The score is so good, it deserves a medal, so I drew myself a medal.

Medal for outstanding achievement in the field of two suit solitaire.

Friday is sausage day at Nanna’s, but not in a gay way. I decided to stop receiving e-mails from Match because they send loads a day and I have no intention of signing up. Me signing up for Match would be like Stephen Hawking signing up for Steam. He might have a special system where he plays video games one frame at a time and uses a special add-on for his computer to control his actions. He’s shit at multiplayer, though.

I am still pathetic. So far, being 20 has been really boring. Most of my life has gone and I have nothing to show for it. It reminds me of the time I was at the girls’ school and some things were being handed out by job people. I took a bag and looked in it but it was all paper stuff so I gave it back. So many interesting stories from girl’s school. There aren’t any really. I was pathetic then and I am pathetic now. I need to get out more.

What is dichotomy? A male to female sex change.

I successfully got very slightly high today. I smoked the marijuana like a cigarette. I am proud of myself because I managed to roll a bad but almost-functional joint. I am pathetic in every way.

I am a 20 years old man now. I feel so old. I remember back when I was young man of 19; the whole World was ahead of me and was also my oyster. Now I am an old man and my best days are gone. I should think about settling down with a lady and having kids. The lady part will never happen, but if there are any kids listening to this and you don’t like your parents, I will be your Dad. I’m not interested in you if you’re a baby because, with all due respect, you are shit. Ideally you would be about four because that is interesting. I would want to ask some deep existential questions to a four-year-old just to see if they would understand them and get their take on the World. If I ever have a child and it lasts long enough to talk, I think I could have a good conversation with him. I very much doubt a lady daughter of mine would have anything interesting to say. I feel a bit sorry for my unconceived children because they will be half me. If you volunteer to be my child, I promise not to molest you.

I wondered if it was possible to make a child that was comprised entirely of me by putting two of my sperm in the large hadron collider and making them impact at high speeds. I also wondered what it would be like if I met myself from the future. I don’t think we would get on because there is nothing I could say to him that he doesn’t know. He would be telling me about whatever technologies they have in the future, like wireless mice* or whatever, and I would be trying to crack wise, but he would have heard it all before.

*The future me from two days in the future came back to tell me a story about how his Dad went to the job centre and was amazed by the wireless mouse that the lady in there had. He came back and asked me if I knew they existed. Garlic bread?

I didn’t do anything today. I need to get out more. I have noticed a lot of my hairs seem to be falling out. I think it is because my hair is longer and heavier so gravity exerts more of a force on it.  Also, I am getting old.

I’m trying to cut down on masturbating to no masturbations. I haven’t had one since Thursday. It is very difficult for me because I have a habit of sleep wanking. A few times, I have woken up and realised I am masturbating. I think I have become so impotent that even my wet dreams need help.

I bought a hard drive from off the Internet because I remember hearing a really good song once about the benefits of backing up one’s data. It’s only 500GB, but that’s enough to store all the erotic fiction I write.

What do you get on your hands after wanking? Wang ink.

Why do you call a skiing event where you need to zig-zag between Hanukkah candles and detached foreskins? The shalom.

My Dad gave me some of his poems/songs to put music to. I found a good one.

BRAIN RUNNING AWAY © 1st March 2012

I wonder when my thoughts will stop

Those brief ideas so deep.

The sparks appearing suddenly

In daytime and in sleep.

All I want to do is relax

To try to stop my thoughts

Alcohol and illegal drugs

I hope I don’t get caught

I think my brain is too high

The intenseness makes me frown

Please tell me what a man can do

To get this highness down

The more I take

The more mistake

The drug scene

Aint no piece of cake

Think what you are really doing

Excactly who you’re screwing

We can all get wasted any day.

Then get deserved to be thrown away.

Thoughts are flushing through my head

The memories of things I’ve said

Many pictures of my lonely past

…Vast…

The sexy female

On my bed

Is not an image

In my head

But cover of a magazine

So I can think stuff that’s obscene.

The sun ascends another day.

I’m really glad that I’m not gay. ©

G. Pearsall © 1st March 2013

If you found the ending amusing, this was written shortly before my father was sent to the madhouse, so you’re laughing at a mentally ill person. I hope you feel proud about yourself. I might get in trouble with the law for posting this, because it appears to have been copyrighted 3 times. I will do a song of this with me singing and everything. I might change some of it, though, like the gay ending, because that is homophobic, and I think all people are equal, be they heterosexual, white or male. ©

I came up with the idea for a film about a black cop who is called in to discuss with hostages. It is called The Negrotiator. He is always on the scene fast and if some hostages ever need to get out a window after a negrotiation, he gets a massive black man erection and the hostages can slide down it like a firemen’s pole. He is a bit of a maverick, and, being black, is also a petty criminal. This is frowned upon by his law enforcement buddies.

I thought up another film about a lady cop who talks with hostages. It is called The Nagotiator. She is always on her period so the hostage takers can never win and most just kill themselves after talking to her.

I thought up another film about a homosexual cop dealing with hostages. It is called the Negaytiator. He dresses up as a woman and then tells the baddies to come to the window so they can see a pretty lady. The gay man, who from a distance looks like a lady, dances around for a bit while subtly masturbating over the big butch baddie, and then he spunks so hard it hits the baddie in the eye so he falls out the window. He faces his toughest challenge when he has to negotiate with a baddie lady.

I thought up another film about a handicapped cop who talks to hostages. It is called the Negotiatard. He just confuses the hostages so they don’t understand what is going on. This messes with their heads enough to make them give up.

I thought up another film about a normal cop dealing with hostages. It is called The Heterosexual White Negotiator Man Who Isn’t Mentally Disabled. He doesn’t have any special powers like the others, but is still better than all of them.

I thought up another film called The Negotiators Become The Negotiated in which the first four negotiators take the fifth negotiator hostage because he has outdated views and they all wee on him. There are no other negotiators in town so he has to get weed on a lot.